MOONRISE KINGDOM: AN ABRIDGED SCRIPT
FADE IN
Int. THE HOUSE of QUIRK 1965
A GROUP of YOUNGSTERS listens raptly to a BENJAMIN BRITTEN ALBUM while a perturbed KARA HAYWARD paces around peering through a pair of binoculars.
BENJAMIN BRITTEN
"Whoa, I must admit, I never thought my music would be featured in a WES ANDERSEN film, much less used to entertain a bunch of little ones but hey, I'll go with it."
KARA HAYWARD
"Poor me. I am trapped in a STERILE, MAKE-BELIEVE DOLLLHOUSE world. My brothers are classical music fans, my parents ignore me - I think I'll go brood."
MAVERICK AUDIENCE MEMBER
"Hey, you live in a LIGHTHOUSE on a gorgeous island. I grew up in a split level in the suburbs. Even though we're only minutes into the film, your life seems cool to me."
REST OF AUDIENCE
"Shhh! Do not argue with the BRILLANCE of DIRECTOR WES ANDERSEN. Just surrender yourself to his whimsical world, and wonder will be yours."
Ext. The CAMP of QUIRK
EDWARD NORTON
"What are you doing with that magnifying glass? Burning helpless insects?"
SCOUT (holds it up)
"See, your usual handsomeness is completely obscured. You're unrecognizable except to those who've paid attention to the casting list."
EDWARD NORTON
"Well, that's an indie movie for you. Even handsome stars look hideous. By the way, where's JARED GILMAN?"
SCOUT
"Search me. I hate him. Actually, we all hate him. It looks like he cut a hole in his tent to escape."
EDWARD NORTON (real quote)
"Jiminy crickets, he flew the coop!"
MAVERICK AUDIENCE MEMBER
"You're quoting a MOVIE that wasn't made until decades later than the movie you're currently in? How META is that?"
REST OF AUDIENCE
"Shhh! Or go sneak into 'TED.''"
Ext. The WHEATFIELD of QUIRK
JARED GILMAN (monotone)
"I think we're alone now. Finally, there don't seem to be any REPRESSIVE ADULTS around. Ready to run away into the wilderness?"
KARA HAYWARD (monotone)
"Yep, I brought my brother's record player, stolen library books, a bad attitude and a kitty cat. I hope you brought the essentials, such as food and shelter."
JG (even more deadpan)
"I've got a canoe, a tent, fishing and cooking gear, a compass and a q quirk-ometer. It will beep when the movie reaches super-high levels of preciousness."
KH (even more deadpan) "Then we're good to go."
Int. THE OFFICE of SPLIT SCREEN BUREAUCRATIC QUIRK
BRUCE WILLIS (on phone)
"Hello, sir. As the only POLICE CHIEF on this godforsaken island, I wish to inform you that your FOSTER SON, JARED GILMAN, has done a bunk."
JARED'S FOSTER DAD
"Then we can't possibly invite him back. You're stuck with him."
EDWARD NORTON
"Wait, you mean to tell me that JARED is an ORPHAN? That wasn't in his file."
JARED'S FOSTER DAD
"You'll have to get in touch with TILDA SWINTON… I mean, SOCIAL SERVICES."
Ext. THE HOUSE OF QUIRK
FRANCES MCDORMAND
"Our daughter appears to have run away with a strange boy with whom she's been corresponding for year. Do you think this is your fault?"
BILL MURRAY (real quote)
"That's a loaded question."
BRUCE WILLIS
"Do you have any idea where they may have run off to? Does the fact that your daughter has a pen pal you've never met bother you? Are you even aware that you have a daughter in the first place?
FRANCES MCDORMAND
"Vaguely, but I doubt the fact that I've been neglecting her to have an affair with you has anything to do with it."
BILL MURRAY
"You're what?"
FRANCES MCDORMAND
"I'll break it off! See, I'm doing it right now. Now we can be a happy family again."
BILL MURRAY
"Whatever. I think I'll get drunk, get an axe and go chop down a random tree."
AUDIENCE
"So that's why KARA ran off with JARED. It's Connect-the-Dots Movie Character Motivation."
Ext. The FOREST of QUIRK
JARED GILMAN
"Does this movie have a PLOT? We're a quarter of the way in, and I still haven't glimpsed one."
KARA HAYWARD
"No, dolt. DIRECTOR WES ANDERSON is an ECCENTRIC, BRILLIANT GENIUS. Plots are for hacks and mere mortals."
JARED GILMAN
"So it's just going to be a bunch of RANDOM QUIRKY CHARACTERS stumbling quirkily around the quirky wilderness."
KARA HAYWARD
"The GORGEOUSLY PHOTOGRAPHED WILDNERNESS, you mean. Just look at these fields of undulating beauty."
JARED GILMAN
"Plus, it's got a totally ECLECTIC SOUNDTRACK featuring BENJAMIN BRITTEN. BOB BALABAN as a deadpan narrator. And BILL MURRAY in plaid pants with an axe."
KARA HAYWARD
"Who?"
JARED GILMAN (sagely)
"This movie isn't intended for OUR AGE GROUP. Just the GROWNUPS who used to be QUIRKY OUTCASTS. We're their stand-ins."
THE FOREST OF QUIRK
JARED and KARA stand on an embankment facing a group of SCOUTS carrying homemade weapons.
SCOUT
"Will you surrender and come with us peacefully?"
JARED GILMAN
"Not! Let there be blood."
In the scuffle, a SCOUT is stabbed by lefty scissors, and a DOG is shot by an arrow.
JARED GILMAN (monotone)
"It appears the dog is deceased. That is definitely an ex-dog."
KARA HAYWARD (monotone)
"This would be an excellent time to express genuine emotion over the loss of an innocent animal, so the AUDIENCE doesn't take us for a pair of sociopaths."
Glances off-screen at WES ANDERSEN who is shaking his head and frowning.
"Or not."
Int. THE OFFICE of SPLIT SCREEN BUREAUCRATIC QUIRK
BRUCE WILLIS
"Ma'am, we regret to tell you that JARED'S foster parents don't want him any more."
TILDA SWINTON
"Thus I have no choice but to institutionalize him in a place where he'll get electroshock."
EDWARD NORTON
"Now, wait just a minute here…."
TILDA SWINTON
"As the designated villain of this film, I have no choice but to come out to the island of quirk to retrieve JARED. Of course, if he did have another adult willing to volunteer to take charge of him, I couldn't possibly be persuaded to change my mind."
BRUCE WILLIS
"Another lost adult stumbling through his life, waiting for two pint- sized, wise-beyond-their-years youngsters to make him rearrange his priorities and grow up?"
TILDA SWINTON
"Precisely. That is definitely not going to happen."
Ext. The COVE of QUIRK
BILL MURRAY
"My God, my daughter's sleeping in a tent with an emotionally disturbed boy. That's the last you'll ever see of him, KARA."
REST of MEAN, NASTY, SOULLESS ADULTS
"Yeah. Now you've had your little adventure. Time to get back to reality."
KARA HAYWARD
"But we love each other! Not like you guys."
Int. THE CAMP of QUIRK
SCOUT
"I've suddenly had a change of heart, and decided that we were all big meanies to ostracize JARED. Let's go help him escape again and be reunited with his one true love, even if she did stab our friend with scissors."
REST OF SCOUTS
"WTF? This is what passes for character development? An After- school Special has more complex motivation changes."
SCOUT
"Hurry, we've already spent too much of the movie acting like one- dimensional bad guys."
Ext. ANOTHER CAMPSITE of QUIRK
JARED GILMAN
"Here's JASON SCHWARTZMAN, who for not too clearly defined reasons is the only guy on the island who can marry us. JASON, will you do the honors?"
JASON SCHWARTZMAN
"OK. But what's that beeping noise?"
KARA HAYWARD
"That's just JARED's quirkometer."
JASON SCHWARTZMAN
"We'd better hurry, though, because there's a SYMBOLIC STORM on the way."
JARED GILMAN
"Weren't you the star of some WES ANDERSEN movie that came out when we were toddlers?"
JASON SCHWARTZMAN
"Yep. Kids, take a good look at me. In a decade, you, too, can appear as the older, sort-of-authority figure in an WA movie, even if your film career goes nowhere after this."
Ext. A CHURCH TOWER of QUIRK
JARED GILMAN
"Let's jump! Don't fear the Reaper!"
KARA HAYWARD
"Farewell, cruel, mean, soul-less adults."
BRUCE WILLIS
"Wait! SOCIAL SERVICES says I can adopt JARED. Apparently, they don't know about the scene where I gave JARED a beer."
TILDA SWINTON
"He's right. You guys are free to live forever in this quirky wonderland. I'm going back to the real world."
FRANCES MCDORMAND
"As a lawyer first, and a mom, second, I can assure you, KARA, that this arrangement is fully legit. Plus, if JARED wants to sneak into your bedroom from now on, that's cool, too."
KARA HAYWARD
"So except for the dog, we all live happily ever after. That's…curiously conventional, but I guess there's enough quirk here that it won't lose any indie cred."
DIRECTOR WES ANDERSEN
"Quirk. It does a body good."
END