Fast Times At Monster Academy, an aaahh!!! real monsters fanfic

Fast Times At Monster Academy

an Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic

by Save Fearow

Author's Note: Probly the most detailed account of what school was like for the Gromble's most famous graduating class (1832-1872) and the immediate aftermath of an unexpected tragedy occuring in their lives. Have fun spotting the cameos and seeing how certain events weave together. There's no requirement to read anything beforehand but the other prequels all hint at various moments contained within. 'Growing Up Slickis' is largely the Director's Cut because it contains a few additional scenes and omits much of the gossip while giving his perspective on a key moment, whereas 'Dance Hall Days' is entirely devoted to the grandparents' story. Of course there are many other stories that give insight into how Ickis perceives things, and how his relationship with his Dad changes and evolves.

So much in life was unknown, it was hard dealing with absolutes. Squelia's father taught her that early on. While Squelia couldn't -quite- grasp how this extended to undefined mathematical constructs (where you could change a negative to a positive whenever you chose, although sometimes it was better to leave a negative alone), she -knew- how prevalent it was in actuality. You could never tell whether a scare would be successful, what topic would be considered gweebie by classmates, when the best foraging opportunities would occur, or why certain monsters always fell for obvious ploys (but maybe they weren't obvious at all, and were actually cunningly phrased?) She didn't know how Yaggoroth managed to be so confident- maybe too confident- but she was content to follow his lead more often than not. And she -knew- Yaggy appreciated it, he wanted SO badly to be respected, like the heroes in the scary tales their mother showed in her shadow plays. It would have meant the world to him if someone else could see him as dashing, not the fluff-headed son of an unimportant sales monster and a blissfully ignorant homemaker. Not that Squelia agreed with either of those sentiments, although she understood that the other monsters only said those remarks out of ignorance, it didn't make them any less cruel.

"The Academy will change -everything- sis. We're gonna be famous, unforgettable! We are really gonna matter!" Yaggoroth had predicted.

If it was a matter of being noticed, Yaggoroth was finally in the right. The Gromble lost no time in lecturing his students, constantly demanding more and more from their schoolwork, and never once letting up on the insults. Yaggoroth was quickly dubbed a fearless fool by the Headmaster. She thought of telling her brother this was NOT a reputation he should be rooting for, but it made him happy to concentrate on the first half of that assessment, and really who was she to tell him no? Squelia was timid, insecure, unambitious, take your pick, the Gromble had a steady supply of snide comments. The other girls would probly add 'gweebie' to the mix, Mimbo had coined that word within the first week of class. She didn't think gweebie was such a bad thing, not if the alternative meant being condescending.

"It's so pathetic. Almost all the Academy boys are total losers." Mimbo opined.

"Not all of them!" Squelia protested.

"You -would- say that. Where's your dumber half today?" Mimbo sneered.

"Yaggy's in detention. That doesn't make him dumb." Squelia tried to sound confident.

"It's very dumb to throw mudballs in the hallway, right in front of the teacher's office." Mimbo asserted.

"Maybe he heard that the Gromble -liked- mud." Squelia huffed.

"Then he was dumb to listen to rumors." laughed Mimbo.

"Yaggoroth's a fluff-headed wannabe." explained Chizzle, Mimbo's roommate.

"Fluff-heads still want to be good monsters!" Squelia insisted.

"Hmm, I s'pose he's better than some. Have you seen that dirt-dragger Horvak?" Gorrifica, the most grotesque monster, giggled. "Totally hideous, but also a self-centered buffoon. I do think it might be worth hanging out with Horvak -sometimes- just for the stench. But other than that, I can't find ANYTHING worthwhile about him!"

"Um, shouldn't we be studying? It IS study hall, not gossip hall, and maybe the Gromble will be mad at us for slacking." Squelia piped up.

"What are you gonna do, tattle on us?" Mimbo sneered. "You're such a gweeb, you should be THANKFUL we're even talking to you today."

"Is this friendship?" Squelia asked tentatively. "I was afraid you only wanted me to copy down notes, because I have nice paw-writing. Not as nice as some of the boys do, they were very impressive! But it felt good to get even a tiny compliment from the Gromble, even if it -might- lead to being mistreated by false friends in the future!"

"It's NOT friendship. You just happen to be nearby, so it's as if you're on the -periphery- of the 'in' crowd, without actually belonging to it." Mimbo clarified.

"But if I am -in- the crowd, doesn't that make me part of the 'in' crowd?" Squelia theorized.

"Now I know where the fluff-headedness comes from. Are all pouncers idiots, or just you two?" Mimbo inquired.

"They're twins, so maybe they share a brain!" Gorrifica joked.

"...I don't think that's possible. We didn't even share an egg! I s'pose identical twins might, but I don't know any of -those-, so I couldn't say for certain. Fraternal twins have more differences, although they may have similarities as well, siblings tend to have a few commonalities by default." Squelia pointed out.

"Speaking of common, there are some common gutter monsters here. There's Horvak the hick, and Jorch the big lug. I heard his father works for the monster correctional facilities. Can you imagine the shame of having a jailbird in your family?" Chizzle commented.

"What about Grunjin, isn't he the hick's cousin or something? Grungy's training to be a tour guide, if you can believe that!" remarked Pheldra, the oldest girl in the group.

"That -is- so boring and stupid, it fits him PERFECTLY. I don't think Grunjin even -likes- girls, that's how lame he is." Mimbo crowed.

"Maybe we could try being more likeable and not so quick to judge." Squelia whispered.

"Did I tell you that you could speak? Gaaah, you are so annoying!" Mimbo snapped.

"There's that smart boy. He's kinda sneaky too, so he's not a TOTAL nerd. Trawlf, the one-legged monster?" Gorrifica mentioned.

"When it comes to legs, I always think the more the merrier." Chizzle professed.

"Trawlf has potential." Mimbo admitted. "But it's more like he's the best of a bad lot."

"Oh, there must be other boys who could amount to something!" Squelia persisted.

"You mean boys like Slickis?" Pheldra mimed making 'bunny ears' and snickered.

Mimbo, Chizzle, and Gorrifica all burst out laughing. "Oh sludge, I'd almost forgotten about Chubs!" Mimbo chuckled.

"He's not chubby, he's... well rounded?" Squelia searched for the proper adjective.

"Slickis is a fat imbecile. Have you heard him talk? 'Hullo, mizzy. They's servin' weevils inna Mess Hall. I'd sho' nuff et the whole platta, if'n y'all turn yo' back fo' a spell! Thaz why I'm such a fat idjit on account'a I like to stuff m'self on a reg'lar basis. A'course I'm an unneredjicated fo' so I don' rightly worry none! Lemme jus' stan' here grinning all'a time mebbe use some gib'rish? Au reverend!'" Mimbo imitated.

"Au revoir." Squelia corrected. "It's French! He doesn't live in New York, that's the reason he talks funny. The Gromble is always trying to get him to enunciate more, that's why he was writing on the blackboard yesterday. Wasn't his penmanship flawless?"

"So what if Chubs something right, one time in his life? Even -Yaggoroth- can scare a human now and again, so the gweebiest of boys are not -always- failures, they have to settle for being near-constant losers." Mimbo allowed.

"My father speaks of an uncertainty principle. They haven't confirmed it in mathematics yet, but he theorizes that the more precisely a position of a molecule is known, the less precise its momentum can be calculated and vice-versa." Squelia chirped.

"What is THAT s'posed to mean?" wondered Mimbo.

"I'm not sure. Buuut I think the more precise a negative label you give a monster, the less applicable that description will become." Squelia asserted. "Maybe. It sounds possible, don't you think?"

"Yeah, right. And maybe Slickis will become this Academy's Most Esteemed Graduate, proving us -all- wrong!" Mimbo snorted.

"It -could- happen." Squelia replied. She picked up her Monster Manual and walked away. "...and we wouldn't ALL be wrong." she added quietly.

She didn't think Mimbo was right to laugh a week later when Slickis fell in that fountain. What if it hadn't been shallow, and his ears filled up with water, and he drowned? What could be more horrible than outliving a classmate? No one would dare mock him then! Of course, he wouldn't be alive to appreciate it, but maybe ancestral spirits could still communicate with the monster world if they really wanted to? The Gromble DID speak of a pool of elders in class one day even if he was rather vague about the subject.

"Mimbo shouldn't tease Mr. Slickis, it isn't right!" Squelia told her brother.

"Mr. Slickis? Pretty fancy title for a monster you don't even know." Yaggoroth commented.

"We-ell he's an older monster, by 6 months, so it seems polite to speak of him that way." Squelia bluffed.

"Somebody's squishin' yes she is. Somebody's wishin' she'd be his." Yaggoroth chanted.

"Yaggy, no! Don't say that, you'll jinx it!" Squelia clapped a paw over her brother's mouth.

Yaggoroth roared with laughter, as he gently batted her paw aside. "What are you worried about? Nobody -else- wants him, you could never have a better chance at dating somebody than you do right now! Go find him, tell him how great you think he is, blah blah. Heck, just stand in front of the cafeteria and he'll pass by at least 4 times in a single afternoon!" Yaggoroth asserted.

"It's not that simple. What if he doesn't feel the same way?" Squelia fretted.

Yaggoroth frowned. "Heartbreaker is he? Pretty hard to stand you up if he can't even -stand- upright. I'll pounce that jerk so hard he won't know what hit him, ya-ha!" Yaggoroth threatened.

Squelia's eyes widened. "You can't do that either! Oh please no, don't say anything! Don't do anything!" Squelia insisted.

"Lemme get this straight. You like him, but you don't want to SAY you like him, and you don't want ME to do anything but wait and listen to all your squishy thoughts that you -never- plan to act on?!" Yaggoroth was incredulous.

"That's it exactly! I -told- them you weren't a fluff-head! Thanks, Yaggy!" Squelia hugged her brother.

Yaggoroth sighed. "I just know I'm going to live to regret this." he acknowledged.

Little by little, Slickis was starting to sway the other monster's opinions. Squelia of course documented all these improvements, happily regaling her brother nightly with tales of Mr. Slickis' latest exploits. It was enough to make Yaggoroth question the Gromble's policy of letting siblings room together. Of course, if HE moved out, there was a small chance that the big loomer might move in and there was absolutely no way he was going to let his sister be taken advantage of.

"Mr. Slickis climbed all the way to the top of the ropes in the Gym and rang the belch!" Squelia exclaimed.

"The same belch that tells us when it's time for lunch?" Yaggoroth questioned.

"Yes!" Squelia chirped.

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me." remarked Yaggoroth.

"That's not all he did today! I saw him carry a box down to the river, hold onto it with one paw, and start paddling! Do you know what he's doing, you'll never guess, it's too amazing!" Squelia gushed.

"Trying to get out of class tomorrow? Gromby will NEVER let you fake it, but if you're desperate enough I s'pose you could make yourself sick." Yaggoroth realized.

"No. He shook himself off very thoroughly afterwards. I don't think he would try it if the water was cold. He's teaching himself to -swim- Yaggy, just as if he were an aquatic monster!" Squelia detailed.

"Really? I think MY plan was more practical. Y'know, I never finished that essay Gromby assigned. Wanna punch in the stomach a few times sis, see if I can't throw up before class?" Yaggoroth asked.

"Yaggoroth! I would never hurt you like that!" protested Squelia.

"Fine. Keep talking about how squishy Mr. Slickis is, maybe that'll make me vomit." Yaggoroth quipped.

"That's NOT a funny joke, Yaggoroth. Mr. Slickis would -never- tease anyone like that. He's very polite and sort of charming, even if he's really making an effort to get rid of the accent, I actually liked that, it sounded natural coming from him. It isn't fair of the Gromble to single him out that way, Horvak has an accent too, it's just more common. And that's not even getting into the humans, if you pay attention, you'll see that they have a real variety of dialects!" Squelia chattered.

"Terrific. Let's all take after the humans!" Yaggoroth muttered.

"I didn't mean it that way!" whined Squelia. "I just think Mr. Slickis should be allowed to embrace his heritage!"

"He already does. If I had a toenail for every time Slickis told the Gromble an Army marches on its stomach, in defense of his snacking, I'd have alot of toenails." Yaggoroth commented.

"Mr. Slickis is a loomer. A really GOOD loomer. He even cracked the Liberty Bell on our field trip!" Squelia recalled.

"Nobody knows for sure how he did that. I wonder if it was even deliberate." Yaggoroth mused.

Squelia scowled. "Of course it was! Mr. Slickis always plans his scares." Squelia opined.

"Even the fountain one?" Yaggoroth asked. Squelia threw a pillow at him.

Scaring that human from the road sign WAS really impressive. Most monsters were a little bit afraid of any human contraption with wheels, even the Gromble kept his distance from them. Squelia had been the first to sing Mr. Slickis' praises, but lately Yaggoroth worried that her voice might get lost in the crowd. And there -was- a crowd now that Slickis had discovered he could sign up for Academy sporting events. The Gromble had laughed the day Slickis picked up a tomato and asked if he could pitch it. As soon as the Headmaster saw him hurl that fastball, the Gromble had actually gone down on his knees and BEGGED the loomer to join the team. Mimbo had been furious, she'd spent weeks circulating a petition for girls to even be allowed on the team, when the pudgy boy was given the most coveted position without even completing a tryout. Of course, the instant she pointed out the unfairness of that, Slickis -volunteered- to do everything by-the-book. He happily tossed 50 pitches, all within the strike zone, went to bat 50 times (and got 50 hits, 45 of which definitely qualified as home runs, and the others were so close you'd need to get out a tape measure to be sure) and then set a speed record as he ran the bases. After that, Slickis dropped to the ground and did 50 push-ups on his ears, clapping rhythmically as he counted aloud.

"Fiddy isn't a number!" Mimbo roared afterwards. It was the only complaint she could muster.

"Jus' fine. It would be my plessuh to be yo' teammate." Slickis drawled.

"Say it again! Write it out even! Your is Y-O-U-R, the R is always pronounced!" the Gromble snapped. "And then you can play Sewerball. Win just one for the Gromble!" he added.

"Yessuh! Suh? Sir?" Slickis repeated.

The Gromble breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. So you CAN be taught. That's always encouraging to see." the Gromble noted.

It would have been -more- encouraging if Squelia had actually gone up to Slickis then, but she still persisted in hiding behind the bleachers, or the lockers, or the cafeteria tables. At first Yaggoroth believed she was merely scouting good pouncing locations, but then she never made that great leap forward! It got to the point where Yaggoroth HAD to speak to her, or else rescind on the promise not to get involved. And he didn't feel too bad about breaking that promise, because it was obviously conflicting with a vow he'd made earlier, to always look out for his little sister's best interests. Yaggoroth didn't care whether a monster was 3 minutes or 3 decades older, being a big brother was a big responsibility. The pouncer family was already smaller than usual (Daggoroth's parents had been in a boat that capsized during a return trip to Cuba, Kelia's relatives were the victims of so-called 'friendly fire' during wartime), which meant the survivors had to make an even greater effort to protect one another.

"Tell you what, -I- will talk to him, find out if he's squishing on anyone. Maybe he's got a girl back in L'awleens or whatever the heck he called it." Yaggoroth volunteered.

His sister looked more nervous than ever, wringing her paws in desperation. "Oh please no, don't let him say that, what if he says that, I don't want him to say that..." Squelia moaned.

Yaggoroth scowled furiously. He would beat the crud out of that jock if Slickis even -dared- to dismiss her. He sauntered up to Slickis and immediately began launching into a speech about Squelia's good points, neglecting to mention that she was a female pouncer. Slickis had very politely started to refute the idea, until Yaggoroth clarified that he was speaking on his -sister's- behalf. Then the big loomer had grinned so broadly you'd think Yaggoroth had just told him the cafeteria had completely revised the menu, and they needed a taste-tester to pronounce judgement over each recipe. Yaggoroth couldn't fully trust ANY monster who could look that eager (maybe Slickis had just been pretending to be a slob earlier, so he could play off the sympathies of some unsuspecting girl then force her to be his Shnookie. Yaggoroth wouldn't put it past him.) He watched Slickis approach Squelia and offer to carry her Manual for her, feeling torn between annoyance and acceptance.

Grunjin tapped Yaggoroth on the shoulder. "You were just talking to Slickis, right? If you don't have any plans for tonight Yaggy, maybe you and I could go somewhere." Grunjin began.

"No! I like girls, they just don't like me!" Yaggoroth sulked. "And don't call me Yaggy. I don't let just ANY monster use that nickname."

"You can call me Grungy whenever YOU want." Grunjin offered.

"Not interested!" Yaggoroth snapped. "Where's Chizzle at? She's only turned me down twice this month, third time's lucky!"

"That WAS a really great scare, Yaggy!" Squelia noted happily.

"Ya-ha! We still got it, sis! Nobody can beat us at pair scares!" Yaggoroth boasted.

"Mr. Slickis thinks we demonstrate excellent teamwork." Squelia proclaimed.

Yaggoroth groaned. "Can't we go one evening without talking about Mr. Slickis?" he asked. "You make him sound like he's an adult when you do that."

"Mr. Slickis is very mature, a true gentle-monster." Squelia replied. "That's why we're not going to do adult things until we are adults. But then..." she giggled coyly.

"NO." Yaggoroth snarled. "I don't care if he gives you so many brass fasteners you look like a hardware store. No."

"Don't be jealous, Yaggy. Chizzle is almost halfway to partially accepting your flirtations!" insisted Squelia.

"You think so Squelia? I have -been- polishing my horns more, hope she noticed." Yaggoroth remarked.

"They're gleaming. You should come to the Gorblat Alley with me tonight. I'm going to watch Mr. Slickis, but Chizzle often shows up, too." Squelia suggested.

"I never liked that game. The jumping part's fine, but I never seem to pick up the spare." Yaggoroth revealed.

"It's alright to be bad at it. The first time I tried, I tossed the Gorblat in the air and it got stuck in the ceiling, but I couldn't jump high enough to pry it loose, so Mr. Slickis loomed and retrieved it for me! He's so gallant." Squelia gushed.

"Maybe looming has its uses." Yaggoroth admitted reluctantly. "I'd still rather do something else tonight."

That was all Mimbo needed to hear. She swooped down, startling the twins. Both Squelia and Yaggoroth ducked and ran for cover.

"Yaaah!" Squelia shrieked.

"I wasn't scared!" Yaggoroth lied.

"Of course not. You're always -such- a brave monster. Maybe you even have enough bravery to, no, you're not up for that." Mimbo declared.

"Whaddya mean? I'm really fierce, I can handle it!" Yaggoroth maintained.

"Yaggy you don't know what she wants. It could be dangerous!" Squelia protested.

"Only a coward would say that. I dare him to be a truly brave monster. The kind who would lick the metal poles, find out if they were as tasty as everyone claims they are." Mimbo detailed.

"Is that all?" Yaggoroth laughed. "I eat pieces of metal for -breakfast-! This will be easy!" He walked right up to the giant flagpole and gave it a big slurp. "Thash wuzzin har?" Yaggoroth tried to pull his tongue back but it was frozen in place.

Squelia gasped. "YAGGY! What have you done, Mimbo? You trapped him, now let him go!" she demanded.
"Have an ice day!" Mimbo taunted before flying off again.

Yaggoroth grabbed the pole with both paws, trying valiantly to break it loose.

"You can't do that by yourself. Let me help, Yaggy!" Squelia offered. She also tugged at the flagpole but found it wouldn't budge.

"Gaaah, geh off." Yaggoroth fumed. He glared at the beligerent flagpole, as if it would do any good. It certainly couldn't make things any worse.

"I'll get Mr. Slickis. He'll help you." Squelia promised. "Wait for us, Yaggy! We'll hurry back!"

Yaggoroth sighed. As far as plans went, that was only a small step above licking the pole in the first place. But Squelia -had- promised him, and he knew she was a monster of her word.

"Mr. Slickis! Mr. Slickis!" Squelia yelled above the roar of the crowd in the lanes.

"Hey Squelia." Slickis waved to her. "Come to watch me roll a perfect game? I've really got the momentum going tonight!" he exclaimed.

"Yaggoroth is in trouble!" Squelia blurted out. "Mimbo dared him and his tongue is stuck to the pole and I -promised- him you'd save him so you have to, oh please Mr. Slickis! Yaggy's my brother and I don't know what I would do without him!" she sobbed.

"You never have to find out. I'll go rescue Yaggoroth right now." Slickis vowed.

"But yer in the middle of a game! You gotta roll your other frames!" Horvak protested.

"Alright." Slickis scooped up as many Gorblats as he could carry, flung them all so they lined up in a row, then stepped on each one in turn. The Gorblat goop went rocketing forward, hitting every single pin in every lane. The crowd burst into applause. "Game's over. Time to save your brother!" Slickis announced.

"That was incredible." the owner of the Gorblat Alley acknowledged. "Might even be a -world- record. We should have a celebration throughout the lanes that's all to do with you."
"Sounds wonderful, but it'll have to wait. Thanks anyway!" Slickis hollered as he raced outside, with Squelia running alongside him.

Yaggoroth was NOT scared. If anyone asked, he was shaking from the cold and nothing else. Their classmates only thought Squelia was flighty because she was careful and had learned to consider all the potential outcomes of a decision. Yaggoroth never bothered to look before he leaped but he'd always landed on his feet before. He'd get through this too somehow. Squelia was very reliable, she would never leave him to die alone, confused and maybe even a little frightened.

"There's Yaggy! Oh, I'm so glad he's still here! Not that I want him to be stuck, I just was afraid some human would come here first and do something HORRIBLE to him." Squelia clarified.

"Mimbo's gone WAY too far. That's not a prank, or a joke, or whatever she wants to call it. Yaggoroth could have been really hurt, might still be in trouble." Slickis declared.

"We're the only witnesses, and the Gromble doesn't consider us very credible. Actually, I try not to talk to him very often, but I know he never listens to Yaggoroth, even when he's -not- making excuses." Squelia confessed.

"It doesn't matter if Mimbo isn't punished. There are worse things than thinking you've gotten away with being cruel. For now it's enough to get Yaggoroth home." Slickis opined. He loomed and sliced through the pole with his claws. Yaggoroth fell to the ground, with about 6 inches of metal still dangling from his tongue.

Squelia patted her brother tenderly. "Oh Yaggy! How could she hurt you so badly? I'm sorry, we'll get you home right away so you'll be nice and warm!" Squelia insisted.

"It's probly faster if I carry him." Slickis offered.

"Oh, would you? Thank you Mr. Slickis! I'm sure Yaggy thanks you too!" Squelia chirped.

Yaggoroth tried to growl, but it came out more like a croak. He -wanted- to tell her that there was nothing more shameful than a big, strong monster needing to be rescued by his -little- sister's boyfriend. But it was so much easier just to go to sleep, the sounds of Squelia's soft assurances and Slickis' calm replies drifting in and out of focus.

The Gromble sighed. "According to the Board of Education, this class needs an Academy President. It's purely an honorary title, and grants the student no authority over MY academy but it -should- teach you mud munchers about the electoral process." the Gromble detailed. "You can NOT nominate yourself, and every potential candidate needs to be seconded before his or her name is added to the ballot. Afterwards we'll take a vote, someone will demand a recount, and I will laugh in their face. That's democracy for you."

Mimbo frowned. That title should be hers! Why did the Gromble have to complicate matters by forcing her to rely on her classmates for support? They were all such morons.

Squelia's paw shot up into the air. "I nominate Mr. Slickis!" she announced.

"Really? I don't think I've -ever- seen you volunteer information in class. I was under the impression you were AFRAID of me." the Gromble noted.

"I'm terrified sir." Squelia admitted. She was shaking, but did her best to look the Gromble in the eyes.

"You've got every reason to be." the Gromble snarled. "Why do you think Master Slickis is qualified for the job, because he -nuzzles- you in the hallways? I've ALREADY thrown him in detention 4 times for that, and I'll do it -again- if I have to."

"Looking forward to it, sir!" Slickis called out.

Squelia smiled. "Mr. Slickis is amazing. He can do anything he wants to do! He'd be a great Academy President, there's -no- doubt in my mind. This time I'm sure of it!" Squelia asserted.

Yaggoroth looked stunned. "You're THAT confident? Whoa, hard to argue with that endorsement." Yaggoroth realized. He shrugged. "Okay, I second the nomination. Go for it, Slick."

"Thank you. I would be honored to serve my Academy." Slickis declared.

"SLICKIS! SLICKIS! SLICKIS!" chanted Horvak.

Mimbo ground her teeth together. She was -not- going to let this election get away from her. "Chizzle! What do you think our chances would be?" she hissed.

"Slickis is very hebopply now." Chizzle chirped. "Too bad he's taken. His friends aren't so bad, now that I -really- think about it. Yaggoroth's still single, isn't he?"

"Horvak's uglier." Gorrifica piped up.

"True, but he's selfish and lazy. If you don't care about intelligence, Yaggoroth is the better monster." Pheldra opined.

"That's not what I was talking about!" Mimbo snapped.

"SLICKIS! SLICKIS! SLICKIS!" the girls chorused.

Mimbo sulked. "He'll be sorry. I don't care how long it takes, they'll come a day when the wave of popularity ebbs, and Splishis wipes out!" she vowed.

"Are you still calling Slickis that? Making fun of him is sooo yesterday, I thought you were smenkier than that." Pheldra remarked.

"I like it when he goes wave-riding. Squelia is the luckiest girl, who would have thought it?" Chizzle exclaimed.

"She may have luck, but I've got the looks. That's the most important thing." Gorrifica insisted. She stroked her tendrils happily.

"Power is what really matters." Mimbo argued.

"Oh. In that case, Slickis is definitely the winner-takes-all. I bet he has an unanimous victory, I -certainly- wouldn't nominate anyone to oppose him!" Chizzle decided.

"Me neither." Pheldra concurred.

"It would be pointless." agreed Gorrifica.

Mimbo glowered at her girl posse, but she knew when to keep silent. She would wait, and when the time was right, she would strike.

"You are such a loser!" Mimbo snarled. "What kind of Academy President asks the Gromble for a pie?!"

"The kind who jogs 10 miles in the morning." Slickis replied. "Really works up an appetite."

"You're still fat." Mimbo insisted.

"Doesn't bother me. I could loom it and lose it with a snap of my claws." Slickis professed.

"I'd like to see you TRY." Mimbo sneered.

"Okay." Slickis snapped his claws, blood dripped into his eyes, his fangs extended, and he ballooned until he was 20 times his usual height. Mimbo cringed reflexively.

Squelia clapped her paws in delight. "Oh, Mr. Slickis! That was your best loom today!" she announced.

Slickis shrank back down, laughing. "That was fun. Thanks for the warm-up, Mimbo. I bet I get some great scares for my mid-term. I've actually gone OVER the 25 scare quota, but I figured this way the Gromble could pick and choose his favorite moments." Slickis detailed.

Mimbo's jaw dropped. "You can't get a better grade than me! I've been aiming to be valedictorian since the FIRST day of class!" Mimbo protested.

"Ah, you've got a head-start on me, then. Maybe that will be enough to put you over the top! Still, I think I can give you some fierce competition." Slickis remarked. He held out his paw for her to shake. "May the best monster win." Slickis offered.

Mimbo spat on his claws. "I'd sooner clip my wings than shake paws with you." she vowed.

"That would be quite painful." Slickis acknowledged. "Best of luck, anyway!"

Mimbo narrowed her eyes. "Why don't you enter an ugly contest? With that stupid notched ear you'd definitely lose!" predicted Mimbo.

"I would vote for him!" Squelia declared. "Mr. Slickis is the most grotesque monster I've ever known and I love him! You can't take that from us!"

"That's all I'm ever gonna need!" Slickis claimed. He nuzzled Squelia. "Let's go scaring, squishy. It'll be fun."

"Yes! I'd really like that!" Squelia agreed.

"Nuzzling is against school rules!" Mimbo shrieked.

"Good thing we're outside. Then I don't have to stop." Slickis realized. He nuzzled Squelia again, and then kissed her. Squelia laughed and kissed him back.

"You have no decency! I wouldn't surprise me if you two engaged in Shnookie!" Mimbo bellowed.

"It's become customary to wait till marriage." Slickis admitted. "Although my father thinks there's nothing wrong with consensual Shnookie at any time. Girl's got to ask for it first, however."

"Your father's insane." sneered Mimbo.

"That's General Brickis, to you." Slickis stated. "He saw alot of combat durin' the war. That could upset any monster, and the Army still considers it an honorable discharge. He'd whup your butt if he heard you talking like that, and Dad's got really good hearing, so keep that in mind."

"I'm not afraid of any loomer." Mimbo claimed.

"Huh. I used to think you were smart. It was your most redeeming quality. What a shame to be proven wrong in that regard." Slickis commented.

"So you admit you were wrong!" Mimbo called out gleefully. "That makes me a... a..." she trailed off miserably.

"There's a thesaurus in the library if you can't think of the proper adjective. You used to call any monster you didn't care for an 'imbecile'. I've always felt that was a little harsh, but you're free to make your own decisions." Slickis told her. He put his arm around Squelia and the two of them walked away before Mimbo could come up with a suitable retort.

Squelia's eyes sparkled with delight. "Look at how smenky the decorations are!" she exclaimed.

"The committee did a great job. They must've gone all out, knowing it would be our last homecoming." Slickis noted.

"Then they've saved the best for last." Yaggoroth commented. He linked his paws around his date, Chizzle.

"They have a booth where we can get out picture flashed, Yaggoroth." Chizzle mentioned.

"I -could- get you a better souvenier than that." Yaggoroth vowed.

"I'm not that easy." Chizzle gently reprimanded.

"I like a challenge!" Yaggoroth responded.

Squelia sighed. "Be careful, Yaggy. You don't want to get expelled. It was sad enough that Horvak flunked out." Squelia recalled.

"Yeah, that's right. They got Jorch as your roommate now, Slick. What's he like?" Yaggoroth questioned.

"Quiet and respectful." Slickis answered. "After Horvak, that took some getting used to."

"I think I may have gotten used to him because I miss him sometimes even though Horvak -was- rather rude. He was still our friend!" insisted Squelia.

"We can visit him on weekends, if you want." Slickis offered.

"I hear they got the same visitation deal for monsters in the slammer." Yaggoroth remarked.

"I don't know too many monsters who might end up there, but for your sake I'll keep it in mind." Slickis joked.

"Go swallow a slime pie. You're less irritating when your mouth is full." countered Yaggoroth.

"Can I have something tastier?" Slickis wondered. He began kissing Squelia on the lips. She wrapped her arms around him.

"They don't even wait for the music to start." Chizzle observed.

"They don't always wait for -class- to end." Yaggoroth corrected.

"Academy romances are very popular. Look, Jorch and Pheldra just came from the flash booth!" Chizzle commented.

"Makes you feel sorry for all the dateless monsters. Gorrifica turned down Voral, Bludge, and Trawlf only to show up with that jock from the Monster Preparatory School, Ogherik." Yaggoroth detailed.

"I think she only turned down Trawlf because Mimbo wanted him." Chizzle theorized.

"Guess there are worse things than going stag, then." Yaggoroth quipped.

Mimbo glared at him. "Why don't you stick your tongue to a flagpole?" she taunted.

"Why don't YOU ask the Gromble the same thing? He's always wondered whose idea that was." Yaggoroth threatened.

"He's not chaperoning. He -trusts- us to be on our best behavior." Mimbo simpered.

"Oh my. That explains how Slickis and Squelia ended up rolling around on the floor." Chizzle judged. "Ooh, I've never seen -that- before!"

"What? Get off'a her, you big creep!" Yaggoroth snapped.

Squelia glanced up briefly. "Mind your own business, Yaggy. It was MY idea." she clarified.

"SQUELIA!" Yaggoroth wailed.

The anthraxichord players provided a merciful distraction as the auditorium was filled with monster music. The couples all began dancing, while a few solo monsters lingered awkwardly around the punch bowl, slurping goopade. Yaggoroth spun Chizzle around enthusiastically. Jorch and Pheldra swayed to the beat. Gorrifica mostly clung to Ogherik's tentacles, but did allow him to twirl her a few times. The real stars of the show were Slickis and Squelia.

They stood up and patted their fur down. Slickis brushed his ears back. "Follow my lead, Squelia." he instructed as he squeezed her paw. Single-shuffle, double-shuffle, claw snappin', foot tappin', Slickis led her all across the floor, crossing their legs back-and-front, waving their paws, spinning her away, pulling her back, and dipping her gracefully. Kick and high step, clap the paws, another twirl, and then the grand finale where Slickis loomed as Squelia ran and slid under his legs. He shrank back down and she leaped into his arms, where he deftly caught her behind-the-back.

"You're so fearless and masterful. That's what I love about you." Squelia whispered in his ear. Slickis beamed.

The crowd cheered. "Okay, everyone! The musicians are taking a break, so on behalf of the Homecoming Committee, I say it's time to pick our King and Queen!" Voral announced. The monsters dutifully lined up and cast their votes.

"We're going to win!" Mimbo hissed. "There's no way you can beat me tonight, Chubs."

"Wouldn't it be more approriate to call me that AFTER I've had supper? I've been holding off on the punch so far, but my resolve IS weakening." Slickis claimed. He eyed the punchbowl longingly.

Voral emptied the ballot box and began counting out the results. "Lessee, there's 67 votes for Slickis and Squelia, 2 for Mimbo and Trawlf, and 1 for Slugger and Lilac?" Voral revealed.

Ogherik shrugged. "I don't go to school here. But your pitcher really skunked us at the Sewerball Championship. Total shut-out!" Ogherik explained.

"'Preciate that. You made me work for it though. We might face each other one final time before graduation, make a real pitcher's duel of it. You might carry your team to victory!" Slickis offered graciously.

Ogherik laughed. "Not unless you were on the disabled list." he reasoned.

"There's a thought." Mimbo muttered. Squelia gasped, and Slickis wrapped his paws around her protectively.

"What did you say? Try anything nasty and I'll pounce you so hard your wings' will snap!" Yaggoroth bellowed.

Mimbo scowled. "Is the little wannabe trying to sound tough? I'll bet -you- stuffed the ballot box because you wuv them so!" Mimbo accused Yaggoroth.

"Who the heck d'ya think I'm creepily obsessed with? My -sister- or her boyfriend?! That's twisted and NEITHER one meets my requirement for a squish! All I ask is that the GIRL be unrelated to me, with great legs and a wicked grin." Yaggoroth snarled.

"What if she were married or had another boyfriend somewhere?" Chizzle asked.

"I'd probly work around that." Yaggoroth reasoned.

"Yaggy, no!" scolded Squelia.

"Just keeping my options open Squelia." Yaggoroth insisted. He glared at Mimbo. "Not -that- open, Wings."

"That the best insult you could come up with? I might as well start calling you Horny, how does that sound?" Mimbo sneered.

Yaggoroth laughed. "Why else would I come here?" he wondered.

"You're funny, Yaggy." Chizzle giggled.

"Y'know, these horns aren't just for show." Yaggoroth answered. He winked suggestively.

"Chizzle! Think of your reputation! Do you WANT to be known as the bride of Fluffzilla?" Mimbo snapped.

"Um... can I get back to you on that?" Chizzle queried.

"Knock it off, Mimbo." Slickis interjected. "It would be better if you worried about the reputation -you're- getting. There are consequences when you go around disparaging other monsters. Keep it up and you won't have many friends." predicted Slickis.

"I'm only friends with the RIGHT sort of monsters. Isn't that true, Chizzle?" Mimbo maintained.

"I'm your roommate." Chizzle replied.

"See? And Chizzle knows how to be hebopply." Mimbo added.

"I -do- care about that." Chizzle admitted.

"We'll talk later." Mimbo whispered. "Come along, Trawlf. You may take me to my dorm."

"But you won't get anything!" Yaggoroth hollered after them. "She won't even nuzzle on the first date!"

"The Gromble doesn't allow that ever." Chizzle pointed out.

"The Gromble doesn't have to know." Yaggoroth countered.

"You're bad!" Chizzle exclaimed. But she was laughing even as she said it.

"I know it!" Yaggoroth agreed. "Let's dance Chizzle, and you can tell me once again, who's bad?"

"Poor Yaggy." Squelia observed.

"Pour is right. That's the 5th drink he's had tonight." Horvak commented.

"I don't think Chizzle should have dumped him. The Homecoming dance meant alot to Yaggy." Squelia replied sadly.

"Hepa-doodle? What does that even MEAN?" Yaggoroth roared. He waved his mug angrily, sloshing some of the liquid onto the table.

"I think it means you've had enough gooze for one night." Slickis insisted.

"I can keep this up longer'n you can, loomer boy." Yaggoroth countered.

"Maybe. But I don't see the need to sit around and feel sorry for myself." Slickis stated.

"He's not sitting, he's drinking! G'wan and chug it!" encouraged Horvak.

"You heard Horvak. HE thinks it's a great idea and we -all- know what great depths of knowledge Horvak possesses!" Slickis exclaimed loudly.

That seemed to sober Yaggoroth up. "Oh jeez. Horvak wants me to keep guzzling this?" he questioned.

"He's the -only- one who does." Squelia piped up. "Please stop it, Yaggy."

Yaggoroth sighed. "I guess I could stop for the night. ...Chizzle's only a girl, no 'fense sis, that's not worth moping about." he stood up, a little unsteadily. Squelia rushed to his side.

"Of course. There are plenty of good girls out there Yaggoroth. You might find one someday." Slickis offered.

"See? Mr. Slickis believes in you Yaggy, and he's always right!" Squelia chirped.

"I'm not infallible." Slickis protested. "I jus' do the best I can. Is he too heavy for you, darlin'? I can lend a paw if you need it."

Yaggoroth scowled. "I am -not- that far gone!" he argued. Yaggoroth straightened up as much as he could and staggered towards the door, flanked by Squelia and Slickis.

Horvak yawned. This was getting boring. How else could he stay entertained if everyone took Yaggoroth back to the Academy dorms before he could make a total fool out of himself?

"Hello, hideous. Can I get you something off the menu?" the waitress asked.

Horvak glanced at her. She was a light peach in coloration, bobtailed, and a trifle heavy-set but that had never bothered him. Her nametag read 'Shlumm'. Noticing Shlumm bat her eyelashes, Horvak was very glad he'd thought to douse himself with spray-on odorant before meeting up with his former classmates.

"I reckon I see somethin' I like." Horvak noted.

The wedding was a very skanky affair. At first Yaggoroth was mildly annoyed that Horvak had been chosen Best Monster, but then Squelia reminded him that Chizzle was her banshee of honor and the 2 members of the wedding party always had to stand together throughout the entire ceremony. Since both Horvak and Chizzle had significant squishes, (apparently Chizzle liked some gweebie mail carrier. As if Yaggoroth couldn't deliver a bigger package!) neither monster felt any obligations toward the other and were content to just go through the motions. Yaggoroth was -not- going to sit there and eat his heart out. He'd already offered his best wishes to the happy couple, even going so far as to admit that Slickis was far nicer than he'd expected, and would make a good husband to Squelia. All he'd gotten for his touble was an offer to meet the Gromble's little sister, Frawli. She had pointy fins on the sides of her head like the Gromble and her mottled coat reminded Yaggoroth of a sea cow. He would sooner be a bachelor forever than approach THAT horror.

At least the lice cake was delicious. Shlumm had really outdone herself as caterer. Yaggoroth didn't know where Horvak had found her, but he was one lucky monster!

"Isn't there another single lady besides Frawli here?" Yaggoroth questioned as Shlumm refilled his gooze.

"That's your limit. I was given -specific- instructions regarding you Yaggoroth." Shlumm detailed. "You know all the guests from the Academy, it seems. Wish I'd gone there. There -is- another waitress working today who is currently unattached. But I should warn you-" Shlumm began.

"I'll take my chances! What's her name, what's she like, can she howl, does she bite?" Yaggoroth asked eagerly.

"I really don't believe Burvi is the one for you. She's not entirely what she appears." Shlumm cautioned. She pointed out a squat monster with bright red hair and a happy smile.

"Hellooo, Burvi!" Yaggoroth whistled. He sauntered towards her. "Looking hideous Burvi. Great name! I think 'you' and 'I' could 'be' something with those other letters, oh yeah!"

Burvi's head spun around, revealing an angry scowl and yellow hair. "How dare you!" Burvi screeched. She slapped Yaggoroth and flounced out of the reception hall. As Yaggoroth watched her leave, the redheaded half winked at him.

"I just can't win." Yaggoroth realized unhappily.

"There's more to life than winning, Yaggy." Slickis called out. It was easy to say that when he had Squelia hanging on to his every word.

"Slickis is right! I've never been happier than just to be here right now, married to the greatest monster ever, surrounded by friends and family!" Squelia chirped.

"Wait'll I get you alone." Slickis promised. "You might have thought I was the great before, but -we- can be better together."

"Ooh, it's going to be fantastic! We're going on a honeymoon to Louisiana, Yaggy!" Squelia exclaimed.

"All the way south of Missasaxaphony?" Yaggoroth struggled with the word.

"Mississippi." Slickis corrected. "Now -there's- a river!"

"If you say so, Slick." Yaggoroth permitted. "But you are coming back, right sis?"

"We-ell, I haven't decided. New York is all I've ever known, but Baton Rouge might be nice,and I just want to see the sights but maybe I'd want to see them for longer than a weekend?" Squelia hesitated.

"Whatever you want, Squelia. Name it, and it's yours!" Slickis offered.

"I don't know, I just want you!" Squelia gushed.

"Already got that." Slickis replied. "We'll live wherever you want. N'Awlins, New York, don't matter none. Might even travel, see the world! Remember that beach your father spoke of, a secret area in the Yucatan Peninsula? Almost nobody's heard of Cancun, barely even on the map, it could be our own private resort!"

"Really? An entire geographical location just for the two of us?" Squelia questioned.

"Only to start. I think there might be room for three." Slickis allowed.

"No way! I'm staying here! You couldn't drag me down to- oh." Yaggoroth's eyes widened. "You are NOT talking about me, are you?"

Slickis grinned. "You'll like being a bonsty's uncle. Might give you a chance to get the last word in." he remarked. Squelia giggled.

"But bonstys don't talk at first!" Yaggoroth pointed out.

"Exactly." Slickis replied. Squelia was still laughing when the reception ended, to Yaggoroth's displeasure.

"Con-grad-iations on finn'ly havin' a bonsty egg! You an' Shnookie done good!" Brickis noted.

"Her name's Squelia, Dad." Slickis corrected.

"Jus' fine. Any girl who's yo' Shnookie oughtta be proud, yessuh!" Brickis boomed.

Squelia blushed slightly. "I don't really mind." she assured Slickis.

"Alright. If you're happy, I'm happy. And it is really exciting waiting for him to hatch." Slickis replied.

"It's only a matter of days now." Squelia professed. She stroked the egg lovingly.

"We're still thinking of names for him. If he'd been a girl, I would've called him Smalvara after you Mom!" Slickis revealed.

Malvara frowned slightly. "You do realize that any bonsty of yours -will- be small in stature, at least prior to looming." Malvara acknowledged.

"He'll make a wunnerful suljuh, yessuh! Train him up right an' put him onna fron' lines!" Brickis predicted.

Malvara sighed. "You -used- to recognize that monsters with faulty camoflauge genes are ALWAYS declared unfit for the Army. Slickis, he'll -have- that recessive impurity, so remember that." Malvara cautioned.

Slickis didn't seem at all concerned. "I hope he's a loomer! It'll be great to take him out on looming runs, jus' like the one Dad an' I will go on today!" Slickis proclaimed.

"You -are- your father's boy." Malvara admitted.

"We'll scare fiddy humans a'fore we return to base camp!" Brickis announced. "Bonsty will delivuh the repor', start makin' a name fo' hisself."

"Because Lieutenant Bonsty couldn't -possibly- be mistaken for any OTHER soldier, it sounds too unique." Malvara quipped.

"No suh, Bonsty ain't been ranked yet, gotta start as a Private. He'll earn those promotions sho' 'nuff!" Brickis persisted.

Malvara knew when to surrender. "Have fun looming. Dismissed!" she called out. Brickis saluted, while Slickis waved farewell.

Squelia watched them go. "I miss him. I know Slickis will be back -very- soon but I always miss him when he goes away." Squelia revealed.

"That's a burden every wife and mother faces." Malvara informed her. "You need to be determined and confident so they know that they have your unconditional support."

"I'm more confident than I was in the Academy! At least I think I am!" Squelia exclaimed.

"There are ways to develop that. Have you tried singing to the bonsty egg? It gets the bonsty used to your voice and it makes you feel exhilarated." Malvara suggested.

"I don't know if I know how. The Gromble taught us a little bit about wailing but I don't think I understood the concept entirely." Squelia confessed.

"Non! La vraie musique n'est rien comme cela. Le chant est une compétence intéressant l'étude." Malvara insisted.

Squelia blinked. "I don't understand French either." she responded.

"This is all you need to understand! Do mi so mi do mi so mi fa la so mi do. Do re mi fa so la ti do!" Malvara intoned perfectly. "Start with one octave, master that, then work to expand your range."

"Do re mi fa so la ti do?" Squelia repeated cautiously.

"You're a natural, dear. Stand up straighter, it will help you project your voice." advised Malvara.

"Wow. Have you been doing this long?" Squelia questioned.

"I've been doing it for over 200 years. I started at the bonsty orphanage but they NEVER cared for music there! 45 years I waited for an adoption that never came, 'aged out' at 150 and tossed on the street. I would -still- be in that dance hall, screeching and shaking my tail for a few paltry toenails if it weren't for Brickis. He has ALWAYS cared for me. The Army had the -nerve- to suggest he might be better off in some assisted living facility! I -know- what government run CHARITIES are like. They take your hopes and throw them away like so much garbage! No husband of mine is -ever- going there!" Malvara snarled.

Squelia nodded. "Why should they do that to General Brickis when he has such a loving wife and son? Slickis always told me how kind you were, and the only time I ever saw him get angry was when somebody insulted his family, or by extension, me. He even stood up for Yaggy! My brother -lets- Slickis use that nickname now. I think they've become good friends." Squelia stated proudly.

"I'm glad to hear it. Would you like to know the bonsty song I wrote for Slickis? I sang it every morning until he hatched, and I really think it resonated with him." Malvara declared.

"Yes, please Malvara!" Squelia requested.

"You will rise up when you loom, you'll light up the room as