Buck watched transfixed as Esmeralda brushed through her long black hair. He could not tear his eyes from how it shone in the lamplight of their room. She was beautiful. He had thought so from the moment he laid eyes on her and now…she was even more beautiful.
She looked the same, to be sure. But now he saw the woman within, the woman who had hidden far too long. He saw her playfulness and her heartache. He saw how fiercely she could love. And she had given him something, a gift with no rival.
That gift drew his attention now as he gazed upon her in her cradle. Azafrán. When she had been born, they had not known what to call her. Buck had been so overwhelmed with emotion that he could hardly think at all. He told Es how looking at their daughter made him feel as he always did when he saw the first stubborn green of the crocuses in the spring. Hopeful. Joyful.
"Azafrán," she had said matter-of-factly. "Crocus…in Spanish. It is prettier sounding word, I think."
She hadn't been suggesting it as a name but it occurred to them at the same time, he thought. And that was what they called her. The others found it a mouthful and Teaspoon had taken to calling her 'A.Z.' which had become just 'Azie' for short. It was cute, Buck thought.
As for himself, he often called her his little flower. She was truly the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and became even more beautiful every day. He was starting to see why so many beautiful princesses in fairy stories were locked in towers.
For as beautiful as Azafrán was…nothing and no one could take his breath away like Esmeralda. It was an unconventional meeting and a nonexistent courtship but some things were just right and this was.
Buck watched Es brush her hair and then twist the thick, midnight tresses into a braid. Something was not right with her. Esmeralda's moods could be subtle and he was glad for having learned to be so observant. Many others, men and women alike, would miss the small shifts that signaled her fears or unhappiness.
He stayed quiet until she finished and came to bed. She did not reach for him or pull herself close to him as she often did. So he shifted closer to her until he could wrap his arms around her.
"What's wrong, Picarita?"
"There is nothing wrong."
Buck squeezed her tighter and kissed her firmly on her temple.
"Yes there is," he said softly. "I can see your sadness. Can I help?"
She shook her head against him.
"You can't," she said and was quiet a while before speaking again. "Does Rachel like me?"
"Rachel? Why do you ask? Did someone say something to you?"
Buck was maybe too much on guard about what others might say about Es. He didn't think that her past was all that scandalous really. She had survived as best she could. But he knew how fragile she could still be even though he was certain no one else would guess as much. If anyone mentioned anything…he dreaded to even think of such a thing.
"No…no one has said anything. I ask…because I thought maybe I could talk to her. I think I need to speak with another woman and…I think she could…help me. But she…I have never spoken to her alone. I…am…"
Her brow folded on itself as she tried to think of the word.
"Nervous?" Buck offered.
"Yes. Nervous."
Buck sighed. He didn't spare much thought at all to how she had made her way in the world before he met her. He doubted the others did either. But Es still felt shame.
"Es…Rachel loves you," he began. "She's tried to give you time and space to feel settled in and comfortable here. It's been over a year now. I think she might have been worried that you didn't like her. But everyone here loves you. I think little would please Rachel as much as you coming to speak with her. And if I can't help you with your troubles then I am glad there is someone here who can."
"I think perhaps tomorrow I go."
"I'll get the buckboard ready after breakfast."
Esmeralda stood on Rachel's porch. She lifted her hand three, maybe four times before finally getting the nerve to tap lightly. Buck said that his family liked her, loved her even. She should not doubt him. But then he was very protective of her feelings. Still, if he wanted to protect her, he would not have let her come if he thought Rachel might be unkind. For as much trust as she lacked in most people, she trusted Buck implicitly.
Es thought about how life had been since she met Buck. Being with him was like nothing she had dreamed of. He was so kind to her, so thoughtful, so understanding…and so passionate. And he had brought her to this place where very few knew her past. She dressed like a respectable woman and lived as his wife. She had even given him a child. For all the days she spent feeling like any decent woman ought to feel, when it came to being around the people who loved Buck most, she felt shame. She felt unworthy. Unworthy of them and of him as well.
She tugged lightly at the straps on the cradleboard and shifted her weight before daring to knock again, just a little louder. Just as Es was about to turn and descend the porch steps, the door opened and she was presented with Rachel's bewildered face. The look of confusion fell almost immediately away as a smile took its place.
"Esmeralda!" Rachel exclaimed. "What a wonderful surprise. Please come in. Is that little Azie on your back there?"
Es merely nodded before dropping her eyes to her feet which she watched intently make their way into the house.
"You've come at just the right time," Rachel went on as if frightened that even a moment of silence would frighten the poor woman away. "I was just thinking how a cup of tea sounded so very good right now and had just begun heating some water. May I take Azie? I confess I just can't get enough of her pudgy little face…and those eyes."
Esmeralda slid the cradleboard off her shoulders and extended her arms to Rachel who slid the baby out of it and cuddled her close.
"I just can't get over how contented this babe is every time I see her," Rachel said in between cooing at the child.
"She is a good baby," Es replied.
"You are a good mother," Rachel countered with a smile.
Esmeralda wasn't sure what to say. Buck told her she was a good mother and Emily had said so too from time to time but for some reason, this was different. Es knew that Rachel had never had children of her own but she had been a teacher and she had cared for Buck and the men he considered brothers.
"Now you know you don't need a reason to come and visit," Rachel was saying as she saw Esmeralda struggling for words. "But you come so rarely…in fact, I believe you've never come on your own…it makes me think there is a reason you've come. And you look troubled."
Es nodded and tried to think of how to tell Rachel what was bothering her. Rachel came to sit down beside her and placed a hand over her own. The simple kindness of the act made tears come to her eyes.
"Sweetie, whatever it is…I'm sure we can sort it out."
"I…I do not know how to say…"
"Are you alright?" Rachel asked suddenly becoming alarmed. She didn't know this woman all that well and didn't quite know how to read her like she might the others in her life.
Es nodded and then looked almost helplessly at Rachel.
"It is…I came to ask for your help."
There it was out. It felt better to have that out. Es hadn't asked anyone for help in a very long time and in her past anyone she asked for help seemed to have their own interests in mind more than hers.
"You look so scared, Esmeralda. Is it such a frightening problem or are you that scared to ask me?"
Es tentatively raised her eyes and that was all the answer Rachel needed. She hugged the poor young woman with the arm that wasn't holding Azie.
"People haven't been good to you, have they?"
"Buck is good," Es whispered.
"He is," Rachel acknowledged. "Most others haven't been though, I fear."
"How I was…it is just how things are."
"Sweetheart," Rachel said softly trying hard not to cry at Esmeralda's blind acceptance of her previous mistreatment. "No one deserves for people to be unkind. Especially not a dear hearted woman like you. I don't know what all you endured in your life but I thank God every day that you and Buck found each other. For both your sakes. You're good for each other."
"He is good for me. I thank God too."
"So what is upsetting you?" Rachel asked pointedly.
"I do not know how to…please him," Es said looking sheepish. "Not like you."
Rachel was taken aback.
"I-I don't know what you…what did Buck tell you about our relationship? I think you've been misinformed."
Es felt her cheeks burn with shame.
"No," she said abruptly. "That's not…I know…I didn't mean…"
The tears flowed freely down her face. She should go now. If Rachel liked her before, she surely didn't now.
"Es," Rachel said gently and Esmeralda looked up at the shortening of her name that Rachel hadn't ever used with her before. "I'm sorry. I jumped to conclusions. Please. Tell me what you mean."
"He talks about you…how it was when you took care of him…of him and his brothers. He seems sad sometimes," Es said and then thought better about her words. "No not sad. But like it was happier then. Like something is missing now."
More tea was poured as Es continued to explain what she needed of Rachel and Rachel soon saw what she could do to help. The two spent the next couple hours formulating a plan.
Buck walked into his home to glorious smells. There were the usual smells of Esmeralda's cooking. She had learned some dishes that he was more accustomed to but he had found that her cooking was more inspired when she made the things she had been raised on. And he really enjoyed those meals too. But there was another smell. He could not place it but it was familiar to him all the same.
He crossed the room and slid up behind his lovely wife as she stirred a boiling pot of something or other on the stove, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the side of her neck.
"You look happier, Picarita," he said giving her one more squeeze before releasing her. "Did you and Rachel have a nice visit?"
"Very nice," she answered with a genuine smile. Buck loved her smiles. He loved how her dark eyes danced and sparkled, how her full lips parted slightly as if she were on the verge of laughing. Her smiles were the very essence of joy.
"Will you tell me now what was bothering you?"
"Later."
He thought to protest but she had a mischievous gleam in her eyes that he had learned meant good things for him if he played along.
"Alright Picarita, my little scamp" he said. "Maybe I'll have to tickle it out of you."
His fingers began a gentle tickling assault of her ribcage until at last she begged him to stop, gasping for breath through her laughter.
"I still will not tell you...not yet," she said defiantly.
"Later?" he confirmed.
"Later," she replied turning her dark eyes up to him. "I promise."
Buck held her face reverently in his hands. He stared a moment at her finding himself lost, as always, in the trust of her eyes. She took his breath every time he looked at her. He would always marvel that such a woman could be his, could be sharing his life.
Slowly he lowered his head to bring it nearer to hers. He could see her breath quicken and knew his pulse was reacting in kind. Softly, tenderly, he brushed his lips to hers before pressing lightly. He heard her small sigh and held her tighter to him as his lips moved over hers. Even if he had he wanted to break the kiss then, he would not have been able to for her arms tight around his neck, holding him to her. He didn't want to anyway.
He held her fiercely drawing a small gasp from her. He took advantage of her opened mouth to nibble lightly on her bottom lip and allow his tongue to explore to already very familiar terrain of her mouth.
In time their mouths parted and he rested his forehead against hers delighting in her breathlessness. He planted one last kiss upon her forehead before straightening up and offering her a smile.
"Can I, at least ask how my little flower was today?"
"Perfect as every day. I should bring her to visit Rachel more."
"Rachel would like that, I'm sure."
Their dinner conversation was light and they each laughed often. Esmeralda loved when it was just the two of them and their daughter. She felt it like a cozy little bird nest. But now she was seeing that there home wasn't the only safe place and Buck's was not the only kind heart. It felt good. Family wasn't something she had ever counted on much and maybe it was time for her to learn the lessons Buck said he had learned all those years ago.
Buck placed the last bite of food from his plate into his mouth with a satisfied smile. He then stood as if to leave the table but Es placed a hand on his arm.
"I want to tell you what Rachel helped me with," she smiled. "No…not tell, I want to show you."
With that she stood and left the table returning a few moments later with a pie in her hands and a triumphant look on her face.
It became clear to Buck then. He spoke often of the warmth of the old bunkhouse and the good times he'd had there. He also spoke of the lovely sweets that Rachel used to make. If the truth was told, Buck had a bit of a sweet tooth. He loved Esmeralda's cooking but he often missed the sweet treats. She just didn't know how to bake. He would love her and be happy anyway, he had thought.
But she had seen what he missed. It had weighed on her and she had braved possible rejection to do this for him.
"Picarita, I don't know what to say…"
"Rachel helped me make this one," she said. "So I know it is good. But I know how. I can make another. This is from raspberries in Rachel's yard."
Pie! Fresh baked raspberry pie. Buck's mouth watered at the very thought. He watched as Es sliced the pie and put a rather large slice on his plate. He could feel her eyes on him as he took the first bite. Even if it was terrible, it would be wonderful for the love she had put into it.
His eyes closed in bliss. It was really good.
"Es…this is amazing. Is there nothing you can't do?"
She smiled at him and shook her head.
"Not as long as I have you."
So...the one everyone was waiting for. Yeah I do know my audience. I only hope you all keep with me now that Buck has had his pie. There are more stories to come. I think they will be sweet too.
I hope it wasn't confusing to bring Es into this story. I really love Es. I had so much fun with her. I know not everyone read that story but I hope this was not too confusing. If anyone hasn't read Home already...that is the introduction of Esmeralda.
So...until next time...I hope everyone is enjoying the pie. As always, let me know what you think.-J