Oh if you could see me now.
"No." I say out loud. Almost screaming, I bite my lip, trying to hide these emotions. They can't be shown, not even now, not even when there's no one to see them. I hold my breath, trying to control myself. How could this have ever happened? I should have been the one that was selfish, the one that's lying on the ground, helpless, slowly dying. I should've been the one that got shit instead of her, instead of him. I watched my mother sacrifice her life for me. I killed one of my best friends, I should've been the one that died out there. I shouldn't be sitting here right now, I shouldn't be the one living if I am so damn weak.
"Wait a second." I say when I hear a knock at the door. My voice is trembling, I hate it.
'"Tris, are you all right?" I just nod. Knowing that it won't have effect because he can't see me. I just don't want to answer his question, he already know the answer. And it hurts to say it out loud, it hurts to say I'm not okay.
Oh if you could see me now.
I try to breath in and out, I try to control my breath that's shaking with every time I breath in or out. I need to be strong, this can't happen now. I can't show my weakness. It's already hard enough that I really am weak, I don't want to show it. I need to try to be strong, be as strong as my mother, be as strong as Will. If I could wish for something, I would wish that I was in their place. They would be much stronger then me, I know they would.
"Tris, can I come in? I'm worried about you." I shake my head.
"N.. No Tobias, I.. I'm fine.' I say, my voice is trembling even more, and I wish I was strong enough to just open the door and let him hold me. Let him comfort me, I wish I wasn't embarrassed for this. I wish I was brave enough to be weak around the people who care about me. But I can't, I'm scared that people will start seeing me in another way. I'm scared that he will start seeing me in another way. That he won't love me anymore because I'm not the same as I used to be. I'm not brave or strong anymore. I'm not what he fell for. I'm just another girl, and I'm scared I will always be like that from now on.
"No." I whisper, I don't want my tears to come out, but I just can't, I can't control it anymore. I blink and feel a tear. A single tear stroking my cheek, and suddenly, I can't handle it anymore. I start crying, crying like I did when I saw how my mother got hurt.
"Tobias.' I say trough my tears. The door opens and before I know it I feel two arms wrap around me. I start crying even louder. It hurts, it hurts so damn much. My whole body shakes and I know that I look weak now, but I don't care. I don't care anymore. I just want to be a little girl again, wrapped in those strong arms, being comforted. I realize I just want top be weak for a moment.
I want to be weak so I can come back stronger as ever.