Where Babies Come From
Author's Note:
Wrath gets curious one day… and I want to thank my friend Jake for this idea. Late night ramblings over Instant Messager between two friends, two teens with way too much free time makes one hell of a funny story.
XxX
Wrath wanted to know where babies come from. He hated to hear their cries, so in his head he thought perhaps they cried so much because wherever they came from was much better than this world.
Wrath walked up to Sloth.
"Mommy, where-"
"Wrath, I'm not your mother."
"Where do babies come from?" the young homunculus asked, ignoring the comment from the ex-Trisha Elric.
"They…" Sloth paused, remembering her past human life and suddenly growing angry, "Hell if I know."
Wrath frowned, but he wanted to know, so instead of leaving it at that, he went to ask someone else. He found Lust.
"Lust, where do babies come from?" Lust looked at the boy oddly, wondering why he would want to know something so stupid.
"It's a human thing, you don't have to worry about it. Now go play with something."
Wrath still wanted to know the answer to his question, so he walked about the house until he came upon Gluttony. He went to ask Gluttony where babies come from, but he decided Gluttony were too stupid and would just say he was hungry. So he kept going until he met up with Greed.
"Hey there kiddo!" Greed greeted, still hoping the kid might decide to join him after all.
"Hi Mr. Greed, uh… do you know where babies come from?"
Greed flushed red, looking away and trying to think up an answer. His hesitation made Wrath realize he was going to make something up, but he wanted to hear it anyway. He wanted to know!
"Well… babies come… from the hospital, that's it! The hospital."
"The hospital? But how do they get there?"
"Well, they… uh…"
"The Stork brings them." Pride came up, wanting to talk to Greed, but he knew he had to get rid of Wrath first.
"But where does the Stork get them?"
"No one knows, it's a mystery." Greed added.
Wrath still wasn't satisfied, and the only one left to ask was Envy. He was hesitant. He was a smart kid, for a kid who grew up all alone on an island. Envy tended to over exaggerate and be blunt in his answers, but at this point, that's what Wrath wanted. He had been told too many different stories and he was more confused now than he was before.
Envy was sitting alone on the balcony, on the railing with a leg on each side. He was looking out toward the city.
"Hey Envy!" Envy jumped, almost falling off the railing as he turned to Wrath.
"Oh, its just you kid. What is it?"
"I wanna know where babies come from, and I already asked everyone else and they don't know. Greed even said a bird brings them to the hospital."
Envy was a bit pissed that he had to answer the kid, but then he grinned. No one said he had to give the kid the exact truth. He hopped off the rail and turned to Wrath.
"Alright kid, I'll tell you." Envy sat at the table on the patio, and Wrath sat across from him, waiting for Envy to answer his question and end this quest brought on from boredom.
"When a man homunculus and a woman homunculus love each other they hug and kiss and sometimes it's just not enough, so the man goes to a store to buy a condom."
"What's a condom?" Wrath asked.
"It's protection."
"Protection from what?" Envy grinned coming up with a lie.
"Protection from the State Alchemists."
"Oh, okay, because the State would want the baby right?"
"Right kid." Envy smirked, "But the store doesn't have any condoms, so the man homunculus kills the store clerk because that's what we do."
"Cool!" Wrath said.
"So he goes home but the woman homunculus refuses to have sex without protection-"
"Sex?" Wrath blinked, but Envy decided to keep going.
"So the man suggests a romantic candlelight dinner during which he gives her lots of cheap wine, and then the man take his shirt off, and then the woman says 'no no no' but she means 'yes yes yes', then after all the sticky parts are over, the woman tells the man that she cheated on him with a 14 year old boy with yellow hair, a metal leg,and a metal arm, and the guy tries to kill her. But unbeknownst to them someone was filming the entire scenario, so when he tries to kill her, he invokes the sacred horror movie rules."
"The horror movie rules? You mean from that movie 'Scream'?"
"Exactly. And being that she is a half naked chick with big boobs, she then kills him in some really bizarre way."
"How? I like killing!" Wrath grinned. It was almost too easy fooling the boy.
"Hell, I don't know, stabs him with an umbrella or cuts his hand off with a spoon or some weird shit. Then eight months later the baby homunculus is born premature with a shitty momma complex and she named him 'Wrath' because his father tried to kill her, the end."
"Wait…"
"And that's where babies come from."
"But… but… but…"
"Yeah kid, your mom is a dirty whore."
Wrath ran off screaming and crying, and Envy just sat there and laughed and laughed.