These fights
He hates it when they fight. Lately it's all they seem to do. He wishes everything would just go back to the way it was. Back when he only had to worry about Lex, business or even Lois…
No. Honestly, he doesn't want to go back to her, doesn't regret leaving her. He is happy with him. But it's just hard these days, really hard. If only he could go back in time, stop this madness, put his life back on track...
Maybe he'd go back just before the wedding. Everything seemed so simple then. He just wants things to be perfect again. But he couldn't really say when it all really began.
He wants to look forward to the end of the day again, to the coming home, the cuddling, and even the harmless arguing. He just wants to love simply again.
It's not that he doesn't care about the rest of the world. He does, God, so much. But sometimes, he figures that maybe, just maybe, if some impending doom or another wasn't constantly lurking around, things with Clark would be like they were before.
They'd both agreed to stop this, whatever it was in the beginning, if it ever came in the way of their duties. If they were perfectly honest with each other, they'd see it was. But he's come to love him so, more than he would normally care to admit. He doesn't want to give him up. Some childish part of him argues he shouldn't have to.
He has his faults, too. He pushes Clark so hard, and pushes him still. He knows this. He doesn't want to drive Clark away, mind you; it's just that he believes in him so much. He's only trying to bring out the hero he knows Clark can be, the hero the world needs him to be.
He will never completely share his morals. Yet he admires him. Often he's frustrated with his hesitation and tendency to see good in everyone. But he'll always stick by his side, no matter what happens. He may say otherwise, but he knows, regrettably so in a fashion, where his heart lays in the end.
And still, just this once, he would like Clark to trust him. But he's never good enough, it seems. He never trusts his opinion. Isn't that what relationships are all about? Trust? He just wants what's best for him, just wants to protect him.
Because Davis will never be able to suppress entirely the beast. It's in his nature. Because Chloe truly cares for Davis, no matter what he is. If only Clark would understand this! But then again, he figures, it's in his nature too.
In the last couple of days, they've fought more than he cares to remember. First in his office, then home, and just then, at the Isis Foundation. It's wearing him, really. It's like he doesn't know what else to do, or how to be with him anymore.
These fights, they all look the same. It's just one big epic battle. But Clark never finishes, always leaves. He hates him then, hates his powers. Sure, Clark will always win the rounds, but the battle never ends.
He feels the mattress move ever so slightly as he breathes. He knows Clark's not sleeping. He can always tell. He can't sleep either. He figures Clark knows too. He'd once told him he could recognize his heartbeat anywhere. He figures, lying together, it's not very difficult now.
They should talk. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after, maybe. They should even talk right now. But they're tangled in each other, and neither wants to break the silence, nor the peace. They're both so weary and, for all their courage and strength, so powerless against each other.
They've made up just earlier. Strangely, it was the gentlest they've ever been with each other. These fights, it's like they're eating them little by little in the inside. Neither wants to give up what they have together, so they try to mend and salvage everything they can. But often, it's just bigger than them.
After, sated but for the dull ache in his heart, he clings to Clark as if it were the last time he would ever get to do so. He hasn't let go yet, and Clark doesn't complain, nor will he. They haven't really talked about what they really were to each other, or together. But now, like this, nothing matters. They reckon there'll be time, sometime. Maybe they just don't need to say it to make it real.
In the morning, he knows everything will start again. The worries, the fear, the arguments. But he knows he'll help Clark look everywhere for Chloe, against his better judgment. He knows he'll have his team of expert scientists look into Davis' case, again, and perhaps even mobilize the League too.
In between, he'll bury himself in work, meetings, and other business…business. He'll come home late, skip dinner and surely fight with Clark countless times, then make up, or not, and maybe if he shakes himself enough, he'll even patrol.
But most of all, he knows he'll still love Clark at the end of the day, and the next, and the day after.