A/N: Hey, guys! I know it's been forever since I've posted any fanfiction at all, so I'm kinda rusty. Beware, for the next part is going to be weird. Enjoy!
Ah, a beautiful day in Faron Woods. Save for the very few monsters that reside here, it's quite the peaceful place. You know, it's a perfect place for taking a walk, going on a bike ride, having a picnic, getting eaten by Boko Babas...what? Did I say too much? Nah, nevermind. Anyway, Link and his annoying spirit sword...uh, buddy, Fi, were walking in the woods still looking for Zelda. Apparently, Link had absolutely no idea how to dowse for her aura (even though Fi told him how, like 6 times) and simply got lost throughout the forest. That is, until Fi decided to magically pop out of the Goddess Sword to deliver an important message.
"Master, the batteries in your Wii Remote are nearly depleted."
A frustrated look appeared on Link's face, as if to say "I've been wandering for hours and all you'll tell me is that my WII REMOTE BATTERIES ARE ALMOST GONE?! Wait, what's a Wii Remote...?" But no. Link doesn't talk. At all. Not even a fanfic titled "Link's Big Mouth" will make him talk. Or will he? Link grunted and continued to wander endlessly throughout the woods. Was it C to use dowsing or was it Z? Was it LT or R2? T or G? WASD?! ASDF? Pokemon X or Y?! The questions flooded Link's silent mind (yeesh, he must be dumb) as he struggled endlessly to find out how to dowse. Welp, it looks like Link might be there for a while.
"Is there something I can help you with, Master?"
Fi randomly interrupted his train of thought, in case if you can't tell. He'd probably tell Fi to shut off the system so he can get some rest, but NOOOOO. Link can't talk. And besides, he can't shut the game off, anyway. Because, you know, he's part of the game and doing that would cause a ripple in the space time continuum and would break all of reality and Link would never save Zelda thanks to that and because...well, wibbly wobbly, timey wimey!
...Okay, this fanfic is getting boring pretty quickly. So let's bring it up a notch, right? Right. .
So Link decided to end the repetitive descent into madness by sitting on a conveniently placed park bench that was there for some unknown reason. Yep. He was absolutely, utterly, decidedly, gorlickerly, undeniably, bored. What was there to do? No, really, what? Well, half of the things he felt he needed to do were halted by his lack of speech. Maybe if-wait. That's brilliant. That's genius! That's a bird! That's a pla-yeah, you know exactly where this gag is going. So, Link opened his mouth and...
Nothing more than a squeak came out of that piehole. Wait, did someone say pie? *Leaves for three hours, apple pie in hand* Yum. Pie. Anyway, *stuffs entire slice of pie in my mouth* It ammfeers fat Link camft tok. Afghan. Waimt, Afghanistan? Muh. Feird. *Gulp* After that fairly stupid gag, it appears that Link can't talk. Again. Everything feels like it's about to crash all over Link. Well, at least until Link rages with rage. And then UNrages with rage. Until finally, finally, Link discovered something. He couldn't talk in character. So, Link decides to somehow go into the depths of his brain, tinker with some things that he really shouldn't be messing with, or anybody, really, and completely and utterly messed himself up.
Kids, when you get bored, you do stupid things. Don't try this at home. We're what you call 'experts'.
So, after flipping off a few switches and turning on a few others, Link was about to press the gigantic, red, blinking, blatantly screaming "DO NOT PUSH". Wait, why are there blinking red buttons and switches all over the place? I mean, Link just HAH, SEYAAAH, HURGH, HAAAAAAAA, and TOOYAHs, so why should he have options about who he is?...What? Did I ruin him for ya? You feeling ok? I sense you crying in the corner because of the horrible things I'm-uh, LINK is doing to Link. Now, I don't care about how you feel about this because that's for the review section. Moving on! A voice in his head said "HAAAAAA SEYAAAAA HOOOOOOYAH!" In Link language, that probably means "Don't do, Link! You mess up all world!" Because Google Translate told me so! But guess what? He pressed the dreaded button because YOLO and what else was there to do, anyway? So, all of reality broke before his face and Link stepped into the light.
"Master, are you alright?"
Slight pause.
"...Well, duh! I'm just sitting here. How long have YOU been staring at me?!"
Another pause.
"Master, I calculate a 99.99999% chance that you are talking. That is quite unusual."
"Then what happened to the other .000001%?" Link asked with a smirk. This was fun already!
"Master, I sense that something has malfunctioned in your central processing apparatus. I advise you seek assistance immediately."
"What do you mean? I'm LINK! I don't need any assistance!"
"Master, I do not understand. I feel you may be out of character. I will send you to character court."
"Wait, wha-" And suddenly, both Link and Fi disappeared. They would be before a stereotypical judge with those curly white hair...uh, thingies. As soon as they arrived, the judge began whacking his gigantic gavel and BOOM BOOM BOOM! "ORDER IN MY COURT OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!" Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
"Uh...ok?"
"WE ARE ON THE CASE THAT LINK HERE IS ACCUSED OF MURDER, ARSON AND JAYWALKING! ADDITIONALLY, HE'S GUILTY FOR OVER 9,000 ACCOUNTS OF MESSING WITH THAT THING IN HIS HEAD THAT CONTROLS HIS PERSONALITY AND STUFF! PHOENIX WRONG, PLEASE STATE YOUR CASE!"
The lawyer who has a very oddly familiar name began opening his scroll that he had for some reason. "Ahem. My case is blah blah blah blah law law law law CONTRACT! It was clearly written in the Terms of Use that you don't mess with the thingumajig in your brain and DON'T press the shiny and very tempting button of DOOM to activate it! You must've pressed Agree without reading the thing! YOU'RE GUILTY!1!1!ONE!"
Before our hero could say anything, the 'judge' butted back in. (hehe...butt)
"THE COURT RULES IN FAVOR OF PHOENIX WRONG! LINK IS HEREBY SENTENCED TO AN ENTIRE FANFIC ABOUT HIS WRONGDOINGS! TOUCHDOWN!"
"Hey, isn't that what I'm in now?"
"SILENCE! THE VERY INACCURATELY PORTRAYED COURT HAS SPOKEN! DISMISSED FOR PINK LEMONADE BREAK!"
And Link disappeared again for some unknown reason. I suppose Fi teleported him to Skyloft for some reason? Oh, and she can suddenly teleport. That would've been useful, like, when she FIRST MET Link. Welp, someone lacks common sense. Anywho, Link ended up right at the festive bazaar of Skyloft (BOOM! Nailed it!) alone, save for the quirky shopkeepers running the place. A particular one named Sparrot whose name begs for a cracker stared at Link with those especially creepy baby-faced eyes and...ugh, just makes me sick thinking about it. Speaking of, I need a barf bag. Like, right now-BLEA-
"You there! I see you, yes! Come, allow me to-"
"AUGH! GET AWAY FROM ME, FREAK!" And lo and behold, Link began screaming like a little girl and ran right out of the Bazaar and, of course, Groose happened to be standing there. Hoo boy. I need to get this vomit cleaned up real fast...hey, wait a second!
-INTERMISSION-
That's better. Now, onto the show-aw, c'mon! There's still a speck of it on the floor! Hang on a second...
-INTERMISSION-
Alright, now that that's out of the way, Link did-OH WHY THERE'S A COMPLETELY IGNORED GIGANTIC SPLATTER OF IT ON THE KITCHEN STOVE WHYYYYY?!
-INTERMISSION-
Ok. That's all of it. Onto the show. Man, this part was unnecessarily disgusting. I wanna sue the author for making me barf all over the place! Oh, wait...
"So, you finally decided to come back after...hm, I don't know, giving up on trying to find Zelda?" Groose (or should it be Gross? Or Goose?) asked, apparently eager to find Zelda herself and probably DIE EIGHT MILLION TIMES ON THE WAY, DARK SOULS!
"...I suddenly feel like quoting some Zelda CD-i right now, actually."
"RAUGH! HOW CAN YOU TALK?"
"Mah boi, this dinner is what true warriors strive for."
"What do you mean? You're kinda freaking me out now!
"What?! You dare bring light into my lair?! YOU MUST DIE!"
"WAAAAH!"
ZAPPITY ZAPPITY ZAP! And Groose Goose here has been toasted to perfection and will be served at a French restaurant near you! Order Groosey-o's today from to have as part of a complete and cannibalistic breakfast!
After killing his friend, everyone stared in disbelief and, of course, being the absolute derp he is in this fanfic, Link said "Gee. It sure is booooooooooooooooorrrrrrring around here. So...YOU MUST DIE!"
Cue Attack on Titan theme, burning Skyloft, the Statue of Liberty destroyed, and maniacally laughing Link in the background. But that never happened. Somehow, Link got his hands on a TARDIS and flew off to a different dimension, where a bridge fell on him and Link died.
Yep. I just dropped a bridge on Link. I guess you could say...*puts on sunglasses* this fic is abridged. YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And all this happened because Link decided to open his big fat mouth.
Moral of the story? If you ever get stuck on any video game, especially Skyward Sword, USE. A. WALKTHROUGH. End of story.
A/N: Welp, that nightmare is over. What did you think of it? Did it make you laugh endlessly or scar you for the rest of your life? Please leave your thoughts in a nice little review for me. After all, you don't want Mr. Impartial Judge packing on the death sentences, now do you? Phoenix Wrong is on his side, so YOU WILL DIE. That said, see you later. Or not at all!
-Lord Lizalfos the Conqueror