Kanji Tatsumi was a fool when it came to Naoto Shirogane.
It wasn't out of any kind of natural clumsiness. Okay, so he was clumsy and a bit awkward when trying to talk to other people, but that didn't really apply with his friends of the Investigation Team. The bonds they'd formed throughout the year in which they'd first met and in which they'd fought together and shared so many things had pretty much shattered any kind of awkwardness there could be between them.
No, the reason Kanji Tatsumi was an utter fool when it came to Naoto Shirogane was because he had (as Rise had teased him good-naturedly more than once) the biggest crush ever on the Detective Prince. In her presence, Kanji was reduced to a blushing, stuttering, tongue-tied mess and usually ended up saying either pretty stupid stuff, or stuff that made no sense at all.
Today, however, was one of those days in which there was no place for awkwardness and he had to find it in himself to be able to help the girl that was, first and foremost, one of his precious friends. The boy made sure he was presentable by checking himself one last time in the mirror and then quietly left his house, his footsteps heavy as he made his way past the shopping district.
Naoto Shirogane felt as though the world in which she was living was surreal.
It simply didn't make sense; none of it did. Yesterday had been a day like any other in which she'd gotten up, changed into her everyday clothes, had had breakfast with Grampa and Yakushiji-san, and had gone to the police station to retrieve a copy of the latest report on a case in which she was an active collaborator.
She had frowned as she read though it, because once again the primary suspect of the case had slipped between their fingers after almost having concrete proof of something so they'd be able to take him in. Frustrated, she'd given up on the police providing a proper tail for the man and had decided to shadow him herself. She had allowed herself about a minute to indulge in memories of teaching Senpai the basics of detective work (among which there was the art of following suspects while going unnoticed), before once again concentrating in the work at hand.
It had been long and tedious, but she'd managed to find her suspect after few solid hours of searching. Once she had him, she'd almost literally become the man's shadow, being only a couple of steps behind wherever he went. Finally, after spending the entire afternoon walking around the city and having almost lost him thrice, she'd been rewarded for her efforts as she'd spied him coming into contact with a Yakuza representative; backup had been called, arrests had been made, and she had gone home feeling like she'd done well by the Shirogane name. Her grandfather and Yakushiji-san had been ecstatic at the news, and the elder Shirogane had declared that a small celebration was in order. That night, Naoto had gone to bed happy and proud of herself, Grampa's words of praise still in her ears. Her last thought before sleep claimed her had been that maybe she wasn't unfit after all.
When she'd gotten up the next morning, she had expected to be able to relax and spend some quality time with Grampa. The man had made a tradition of taking her out somewhere so they'd be able to spend time just the two of them after every case, and she was very excited at the prospect. She'd gotten ready and had happily made her way to the dining room for breakfast.
The first sign that something was wrong was that Grampa didn't come down to eat. While there had been a couple of instances in which Naoto had woken up and been ready earlier than him, the man was always at the breakfast table, a warm smile on his lips, at the same time each day: namely, early in the morning. It was something he had done ever since she could remember and there wasn't a single day that he had not been there. It was past the usual time now and he wasn't there.
Concern had tugged at the back of the detective's mind, but she had pushed it aside, hoping he had merely overslept. Her grandfather was an elderly man and he was getting tired more often as of late. When lunchtime came and went and she still didn't see him her concern grew exponentially and, after much debate, she decided to wait just a little more.
At two o'clock, when there was still no sign of he who was the closest thing she had to a parent, she'd had had enough of waiting and marched to his room, trepidation in her every step. With trembling hands she knocked on the door, then opened it with a soft "Please excuse the intrusion."
Grampa was in bed, unmoving.
Shock stole through her. It was like being punched in the stomach and there was no air. Her vision blurred, her knees buckled as her legs were no longer able to support her weight, and she sank to them, unable to believe the sight before her eyes. There was no mistake about what she was seeing, but there was no way it could be real. It couldn't be, it simply couldn't. Hadn't he been there yesterday, smiling and laughing, his soft voice stringing together words that he and only he could say? Hadn't he been there yesterday, in the library, re-reading one of his favorite novels and with a cup of that tea he loved so much? Hadn't he?
No, this had to be some kind of joke, some kind of mistake, some kind of error. There was no way this could be true; she wouldn't believe it because it was absurd. There was no way, just no way that she was awake, that this was her reality. It couldn't be. There was no logic to this, no good reason for which it would happen.
Her eyes, eyes that were the same blue as his, stung and burned and she didn't even try to do anything about it because she couldn't feel anything but the horrible, horrible emptiness inside. She faintly heard a scream and it wasn't until Yakushiji-san shook her (and when had he appeared beside her?) that she realized that it was coming from her own mouth.
No, it couldn't be. It just couldn't be.
Things were very, very vague after that.
Naoto, still in shock, saw things in blurs, her memory registering bits and pieces of what was happening around her, but unable to really compute anything.
Yakushiji-san must have called them, because soon there were paramedics and policemen and they were asking her questions, but she didn't understand a word they were saying.
Kanji knocked at the door of the gigantic Shirogane estate and waited impatiently until a grey-haired man in a suit opened up. Though he wore sunglasses, these did little to hide the trail of tears that were still falling down his face. Sighing, Kanji went inside and asked about the sleuth.
"Naoto-sama is still unresponsive." Yakushiji murmured softly, probably to prevent his voice from breaking. "Kujikawa-san and Amagi-san are already here; I have contacted the rest of your friends and I have no doubt they will be here soon as well. Naoto-sama is in the Master's bedroom, from where she refuses to move. Please go see her, Tatsumi-san. Naoto-sama will need all of her friends' support right now."
The bleach-blond nodded, thanked the estate secretary, and went to find her friend after getting directions to where the sleuth was.
Rise had dropped what she was doing at the time when she'd gotten Yakushiji's call and had sprinted at full speed toward the Shirogane home, making her way there in record time. The reality of the situation had first hit home when she'd knocked on the door and was met with the tear-streaked face of the estate secretary. Paling at the sight (for she had never seen the man in such an emotional state) she could barely ask where Naoto was before once again taking off at full speed to find her.
Naoto was curled into a ball, sitting in a corner of her grandfather's room with her arms wrapped around her legs and staring into nothingness when the idol found her. The redhead had gone to her and, as best she could, wrapped her arms around the grief-stricken sleuth to give her a gentle hug. The other girl didn't move, didn't blink, didn't react. She kept staring at nothing at all and her eyes were empty and lifeless.
Never before had Rise ever seen her best friend like this.
No matter what she tried, Naoto wouldn't respond, wouldn't react. She remained unmoving from her position, eyes blank and staring into nothingness. Rise felt like was failing Naoto, not being able to do anything for her. And although she wanted to cry, now wasn't the time to lose her head. She had to remain strong and find a way to help instead of devolving into a mess of tears. She couldn't just go and get depressed on her own when it looked as if someone had stolen her friend's soul.
She pulled out her cell phone and quickly dialed a number, pressing the mobile to her ear when the ringing started. "Yukiko-senpai? It's Rise. I don't know if you know yet, but you need to come to Naoto-kun's place as fast as you can."
Rise-san and Yukiko-senpai were there, but much like with the paramedics and the police, she couldn't understand a word they were saying. They were also very blurry, and she couldn't really discern what they were doing. She wanted to tell them that she couldn't understand, but for some reason her mouth wouldn't work. She didn't know why, but she felt very heavy and tired, yet she didn't want to sleep. Everything was strange, wrong, as if everything had been tilted in some way that she hadn't noticed and nothing made sense anymore.
Suddenly she felt herself be thoroughly shaken and the world came into a semblance of focus once again.
"Naoto-kun!" Rise-san yelled, and she could now understand her. Had she been so loud before?
"Rise-san, not so loud please." She found herself muttering. Talking was painful, as if someone had glued her mouth together.
"Oh, thank goodness you reacted!" Yukiko-senpai this time, and she could also understand her. She briefly wondered why she couldn't before.
Then the meaning of her words sank in and she frowned slightly. Of course she reacted when her name was called. Wasn't that the natural thing to do? Her head hurt, but it wasn't from a headache. It was as if her brain had too much information, too many thoughts tumbling in one after another, at such a speed that she couldn't even process what they were, and it hurt. She felt empty, yet at the same time it seemed as though a bunch of strange emotions were coursing through her at the same speed as her thoughts. Everything hurt and she wished she could somehow make everything stop.
Yukiko bit her lip as she watched the sleuth's eyes switch back and forth between being in and out of focus. She was clearly still in shock, and though both she and Rise-chan had tried, no matter how much they tried to talk to her out of her stupor, they couldn't get her to snap out of it for more than a few seconds.
There should be something she could do, something she could say to help, but she was coming up empty. All she could think of was to try and comfort Naoto-kun, but she couldn't figure out how. She wanted to say she was sorry; she wanted to say that things would get better, that it would be okay eventually, but she didn't have the heart to. It wouldn't help and she knew it.
So, she had to content herself with letting Naoto-kun know that they, all of them, were there for her no matter what, and that if she needed anything, she just had to say the word.
She almost cried in relief when Rise-chan shook the detective so hard that she actually managed to get her back.
When Kanji got there he found Naoto stuck to a corner, and Rise and Yukiko-senpai trying their best to cheer her up. Thing was, no matter what they did, there was no cheering up someone who had lost a parent. There was nothing that could be said under those circumstances, nothing that would make things better. The only thing they could do was to make sure Naoto knew that they were all there for her, that they knew she was in pain, and that it was okay to need time.
Silently, he made his way next to the sleuth and sat down, giving a couple of nods to Rise and senpai before addressing Naoto.
"Doesn't seem real, does it?" He asked conversationally even though he didn't really expect a response. He pointedly avoided looking at her so he wouldn't interrupt his own train of thought. He couldn't be awkward and tongue-tied right now.
"You're gonna feel lost for awhile. A very long while, even." He looked up toward the ceiling because even now he could still see her from his peripheral vision and he had to be strong and actually be there for her without his feelings interfering. "That's normal. Just remember not to bottle things up, Naoto. That is no good and it'll only hurt ya in the long run. Trust me, I know about that. When Dad died I wasn't even there. I dunno what the hell I was doin' that day. I don't remember. I just remember coming home and being told that Dad had collapsed and taken to the hospital. I rushed there, but he was gone already. It pissed me off and I still hate hospitals to this day."
Kanji shook his head, scowling as he continued. "Last time we talked, he told me 'If you're a man, you have to become strong.' At the time it pissed me off 'cause it was like he was tellin' me that I wasn't a real man. I took it all the wrong way and started tryin' to be tough and all that. I realized a little while ago that that wasn't what Dad meant at all. That's how I took it, and even though I felt sad at times, I'd just keep pushin' my feelings aside 'cause I thought 'men don't cry' and that kinda stuff. It all ended up turning to anger and did more bad than good."
"That whole 'it'll all be okay. In time you'll be fine. Every hurt heals' is a bunch of crap that you don't need to hear right now, 'cause it don't help and it don't mean anything anyway. This kinda thing stays with you. Sure, in time you do get a little better, and it starts stinging a little less, but it'll always be there. You just learn to live with it, but it don't mean you'll magically not feel anything some day. Nah, it just means that you start rememberin' that person without feeling like someone's shoved a knife in your chest. It means you ain't so lonely anymore, but you'll always miss 'em. And when you see someone do something that reminds you of that person, you'll feel like bawlin' your eyes out 'cause it's just how they used to do it, and that's okay, too. It means you haven't forgotten, which is well, 'cause you shouldn't."
The boy took a deep breath in, tried as best he could to rapidly steel himself, and finally turned to look at the young detective. He almost crumbled at what he saw, so instead he started talking again, perhaps a little faster than he had before. "So, y'know, if you feel sad, cry. If you feel angry, let yourself be angry. If you wanna scream, do it. Ain't no good to be carrying that stuff around and inside you; you'll just hurt yourself. S'okay to miss him, Naoto. And I know that right now nothing makes sense and it's as if someone had flipped on a switch that put stuff out of place and it doesn't seem like anything's real. That's also okay. Take your time sorting yourself out, 'cause we'll be here. You got all of us, y'hear? It ain't gonna be easy, but you don't have to go through it alone. Whatever you need, you just call us, okay? We'll come running so fast you won't even know how we got here."
Finally his courage failed him and he blushed and looked to the side. "And, uh, if you wanna talk or somethin', you can always come to me. I can understand what you're going through, so if nothin' else, I'm good as a ranting post, or something. I really don't mind."
Kanji's ears turned a very dark pink at the end of his monologue. He felt thoroughly embarrassed, as though he could die. Goddamnit, what is with me and babbling like an idiot all the time?! I just went and gave a huge speech that might not even have done any good. Damn it, what the hell am I doing? Why am so pathetic?!
His self-deprecating self-rant ended when he found himself with an armful of shaking, crying Naoto.
Wh-Wha?!
It was impossible for Naoto to do anything else at the end of that speech.
It had been everything she'd needed to hear, to know that someone actually understood how she felt. Yes, Souji was kind and he was in general the most understanding of them all, and Rise was the one that knew her best through having taken the time to deepen their bond of friendship. But they couldn't really understand how much it hurt. They could sympathize and be honest in their feelings; she knew her friends would obviously all be worried and they'd want to be there for her. It was just impossible for them to empathize, to be able to really know how much it hurt inside, to know what it really meant for her whole world to have suddenly come undone before her.
Kanji could. He'd suffered from the same kind of loss, and at an even younger age. He was a bit awkward and clumsy, but he was kind, and he had said exactly what she needed to hear.
The realization that everything was real (from an intellectual point of view if nothing else), stung like nothing she had felt before, and she flung herself at him, shaking and with a torrent of emotions tumbling through her at such a pace that she felt she would explode if she didn't somehow let it all out.
Logic had no place here, and she discarded it, pushing it into a box that she'd retrieve later. Right now was not the time for logic or rationality.
And though she hated being frail, hated being emotional and absolutely hated showing any kind of weakness, Naoto Shirogane broke down and was finally able to cry.
You're not alone anymore.
A/N: This was inspired by my grandmother's death yesterday. Happy New Year indeed…
I'm hoping I was able to keep everybody fairly IC. Naoto is pretty much the exception since I have no idea how she'd react to her grandfather dying, but I based her reactions here as a mix of my sister and myself. Randomly finding someone dead who was walking around and being there just yesterday is ridiculously unreal, and I still haven't quite shaken the feeling that I'm going to make my way upstairs and grandma's going to be there like she always was.
I chose Kanji to be the one to comfort Naoto because he's the only one of the team to have actually lost a parent and who can really get what Naoto's going through here. The rest of the guys might try to help and might feel sorry, but they won't be able to really understand her feelings since they haven't gone through something like this. "Takes one to know one" the saying goes. Besides, I felt it suited Kanji's sweet yet clumsy personality to be able to do something like this. It's funny, because I always thought I'd utterly fail at writing him. Well, I'm not entirely confident, but time will tell.