Hotch has been my favourite character right from the start and one of the things I love about him is that from the very first episode you see the dichotomy of his character as he struggles between the roles of Agent Hotchner and family man, Aaron Hotchner. This fic attempts to explore his troubles with this duality after Hayley has left him, so it is set mid-season 3.
Hotch may seem a little OOC in that he actually expresses emotion here instead of hiding it all behind his usual stoic façade, but the point of this fic is to explore the character when things get to be a bit too much for him.
I've reviewed and re-edited this fic, expanding it in the parts that I felt needed a little more flesh and correcting any little errors I've found along the way, but I haven't changed the story-line.
Not many people ever get to meet Aaron Hotchner these days, as he's hidden behind a smart suit, a stoic façade and a pair of dark, watchful eyes.
Agent Hotchner, however, is well known.
Agent Hotchner is a brilliant profiler, a highly competent team leader, an excellent Unit Chief and a dedicated FBI agent.
Agent Hotchner is a born field agent who always gets his man; his dogged determination to see each and every case through to the end has earned him several nicknames throughout the FBI, some more colourful than others.
Agent Hotchner is a man that his team can always rely upon, whether for emotional support after a rough case, back-up in the field or standing up for them against the ever increasing demands and pressures brought forth by Section Chief Strauss.
Agent Hotchner is the FBI's BAU 'go-to' man.
Victims who meet Agent Hotchner are treated with care and respect, calm and compassion; he doesn't drown them with false sympathies or ply them with meaningless and unwelcome platitudes. He doesn't drag out questioning; Agent Hotchner is polite but to the point, empathic but probing.
UnSubs who meet Agent Hotchner see a stone-faced FBI agent with a steady gun and sure aim pointed their way. They meet an agent they cannot fool; every movement, expression and word they make is carefully catalogued by those dark, watchful, calculating eyes.
It is agreed by most who meet him that Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner is one hell of an FBI agent.
Aaron, however, wishes that sometimes, just sometimes, it is not such an uphill struggle to separate himself from Agent Hotchner.
It is hard to go home after cases involving children and look into his vulnerable young son's eyes and truly believe that Jack will make it through the world unscathed.
It is hard not to look at his own childhood and, with the clinical detachment that a profiler's eye must carry with it, compare and contrast the abuse he suffered at the hands of his cruel and overbearing father with the upbringing of his latest UnSub.
His academic background might be in law but he has taken enough courses and gathered enough experience for a solid understanding in the basics of psychology, and because of that he knows he has issues.
His abusive childhood left him with little in the way of a support network; his father's overbearing nature and quick temper left a lasting impression that decades could not erase, even after the man's premature death. When the man flew into a drunken rage, taking everything from him, from childhood innocence to any form of control, Aaron was left a beaten, bloody mess trying to understand what he could possibly have done to deserve such treatment.
He knows his issues with his mother are just as deep, if not more so, for a son cannot help but wonder how or why his mother simply stands aside and watches as her husband beats his child into submission, never offering a word of comfort as cuts are cleaned and bandaged while an irreversible distance grows between them.
He knows that he feels resentment towards Sean, because Aaron had acted as his protector and spared him from the cuts and bruises, the anger, the despair and the self-flagellation while he had no one to save him. He also knows that this resentment is unfair and hates himself for it, but no matter how hard he tries he cannot seem to let it go and, in a continued effort to protect his brother from any form of pain, keeps Sean at arm's length.
His courses and seminars in psychology tell him that all these feelings are perfectly normal and certainly understandable, words he has used himself when interviewing UnSubs and victims alike, but regardless he cannot always come to terms with them.
His knowledge allows him to understand that his need for control relates to his total lack of it during his childhood, that his wary nature is related to too many years of being forced to rely solely upon himself and too often being disappointed with the actions or inaction of others, while his somewhat aloof personality is nothing more than an added barrier of protection for his already battered heart.
Such comprehensive introspection is not uncommon amongst the members of the BAU who have the know-how to go about analysing it all.
Sometimes this introspection is more than a little unwelcome.
Sometimes the inability to lie even to yourself, to make yourself believe that everything is going to be ok, is exhausting.
Sometimes he curses the knowledge and self-awareness this job has brought with it.
It is at times like this where he cannot fault Gideon for leaving, even if he detests the way the older man went about it.
He knows that Boston changed many things, including the decrease of quality family time; Gideon's major depressive episode and the scrutiny that attracted from the top Brass had forced Hotchner into an even heavier case load which undoubtedly affected his home life.
He wonders if the fallout from Gideon's abrupt exit exacerbated or numbed the effects of Hayley and Jack's departure; sometimes he feels as though he is stuck in a tailspin, unable to even catch his breath, while other times he feels as though the clocks are dragging their hands.
He loves Hayley with a deep passion that years of marriage has never managed to diminish; even after taking his son from him, Aaron can find no malice for her.
Their marriage had always been a good one but it was never perfect and Aaron's jaded outlook on life had stopped him from believing in those long before he joined the FBI, long before the issue of marriage ever came up.
Hayley had her doubts when Aaron had expressed an interest in swapping his law office for the Academy, but she supported him nonetheless, knowing that he felt passionately about the change and that he needed something different, something more. Explanations and understandings seemed so much easier back then, before his work with the BAU spiralled so quickly into a never ending demand on his time and energy.
Hayley has always been fiercely protective of those she loves and Aaron has only seen that trait strengthen since Jack arrived into their lives. For her, family always came first no matter what, and she couldn't understand that while Aaron was just as protective, he didn't have that same staunch, blind faith in the strength of familial bonds; he would undoubtedly do anything for his family, but he also knows that Jack and Hayley are not the only ones who need him.
His team needs a leader they can trust, now more than ever. With the gap left behind by Gideon's abrupt departure still being keenly felt, and the introduction of the rather unorthodox BAU legend, Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi, things are far from being on an even keel and Aaron does not want to be the one to upset the careful balance they are beginning to find for themselves.
So he has to hide his doubts, and he has several: how can you ever believe there is any real value to your life when your own mother never once even attempted to stop her husband from beating you? How can you imagine the possibility of learning to love someone new after the one person you've loved most of your life decides your marriage is no longer worth fighting for? How can you be a good father if your son isn't there when you come home? How can you be a good boss and a good friend at the same time?
Aaron is a man plagued by self-doubt, but he hides it all behind a stoic face. He has, over the years, hidden so much of himself behind the job, behind the persona of FBI SSA Hotchner, that sometimes he has difficulty finding Aaron at all, even in the darkness of his own, empty house.
There we have it, chapter one up and done with – please let me know what you think.
Brass – slang term for the higher ups, usually referring to the military or law enforcement.