"Are you breaking up with me?"
When I hear those sappy love songs blare out of the speakers of my truck, it just doesn't sound the same anymore. Nothing feels the same anymore without her around. Then our friends talk about her and it hurts a little every I hear her name. It's something I don't want to listen to, but obviously I hear it anyway. I was bound to hear about her and the new love of her life, but I didn't think I'd be this devastated. It hurts so much that I've been having nightmares and these halls are haunted by memories of us. All I know is that I miss her.
"You need to stop thinking about her, because she's not thinking about you."
Maybe I should have tried harder. From the very beginning, I should have held her hand. But I let my insecurities get the best of me. And our relationship was doomed from that very first day at summer camp. And now I'll never have the chance to clean up this mess I made. I absolutely regret it. After all the lies that I made her believe, maybe she does deserve better than me. I shouldn't have ever told her about sophomore year. About how I noticed her staring at me obsessively. About how I was embarrassed to be seen with her. Mortified by people knowing I was into her. I should have never hid the fact that I was sleeping with Jenna. I knew that was wrong, but I thought I could save this.
So I tried hard to fix things and be a better person. To make amends. To make sure that she always felt wanted and secure. I probably should have read her blog, or papers, or something… I thought we had something special. I mean, our sixth-month anniversary just passed and we were completely comfortable. Everything that she gave me, made me a better man. One day we were in love and suddenly it all just disappeared. I thought we could last forever, but we can't because now he's taken my place.
How could she leave me for that pretentious bookworm? Prince-fucking-charming that came riding into Palos Hills all high and mighty on his white horse?
If Jenna wanted to have long philosophical discussions about life while we sipped espresso, I could do that. If she wanted me to pretend that I was interested in her writing, I could. If she wanted me to gaze at abstract art and quote Shakespeare, I could do that too. I wouldn't have enjoyed any of it, but I would have done it for her.
"With you, it's just chemistry and it's purely physical. With him it's something deeper."
I mean, I get it. Collin understands Jenna more than me. Maybe in a way I never could. He's intellectual enough for her… and let's face it, I'm not. When I notice them around school together, I try my hardest not to pay attention. But, I just can't help but see how in-sync they are together. How perfect they are for each other. They must have so much more in common. Their connection is obviously so much stronger than ours ever was. As much as I can't stand the sight of them together, I really hope he makes her happy and smile more than I ever did. I just wished Jenna would have closed one door before she opened another.
"I hope that he makes you happy and does all the things that I should have done."
Author's Note: I was re-watching the midseason finale and the midseason trailer, and I couldn't help but think what Matty must be feeling after he finds out about Jenna cheating on him with Collin. So this is a pointless ramble. What'd you think? How do you think Matty felt? Team Collin or Team Matty? :)