Disclaimer: Yata, yata, yata. I don't own 'em, yeah yeah yeah. We all know. Come on now. Song is by Trapt - 'Echo'.
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
Chakotay poked his dinner. Though his stomach rumbled beneath him, it wasn't because he wasn't eating the dinner in front of him. The world around him seemed to be mute, though people continued with their daily lives - talking, laughing, walking, and working. What was the point? He could eat as much as his heart desired, but it wouldn't take away the pain. The reverberating pain that clenched his soul, his mind, his every thought. Had he really been so blind? The previous evening played before him.
"Who are you going to call?"
"I was thinking of my sister. You?" Chakotay took the bite of vegetarian meatloaf off his fork.
"Oh I haven't decided yet." She seemed so interested in her dinner; she hadn't looked up at him when she answered. Chakotay paused the sawing of his meatloaf.
"You better hurry up and make your mind up. Isn't your call tomorrow?"
"Yes." Kathryn delicately ate the bite off her fork.
"Last minute never seemed to suit you, if you don't mind me saying." Chakotay tried to dig further into her, but he saw her muscles tighten in the flickering candlelight. She swallowed, and picked up her wine glass.
"Let's just say I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow and leave it at that."
She never told him anything, not since the New Earth experience. But after talking with him she seemed to have forgotten he even existed. She briskly walked on the Bridge, a smile highlighting her graceful features. It made him sick, had everything been a face, a fake? No, his conscience said. Certainly not, not Kathryn Janeway. She was pure and confessional - she wouldn't hide her emotions. Chakotay began to question everything between them. She was never his truly. He had been so selfish to ever think so.
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
(Asking why)
-
Kathryn sat in her Ready Room, her safe haven from everyone at times, looking down at his picture. Until recently, it had been a shattered, torn picture in her recycler's memory banks, but now she had replicated a new one. Had he really meant everything he said to her during their conversation?
"Of all people to call, I'm surprised you called me, Kat. After my letter and all-"
"I just had to see for myself. Is she there?"
"In fact. No. Hasn't been for some time. I've been too afraid to send you a letter to explain myself. I could see you seeing my name as the sender and throwing it immediately away."
"What are you talking about, Mark?"
"Our love was reserved, Kat, you know that."
"You know that my job-"
"Let me explain. I never told you openly how I felt, because honestly, I didn't want to force you to say it back to me. I love you so incredibly much, Kathryn Janeway. Your strength is admirable, as well as your loyalty, trust and intelligence. I know you're committed to your job, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was change you. If I became something more than a man in your life, you'd have to mold and change for me. I could never ask that from you, Kat. I want you to forever be the woman I see before me today."
"Then why did you get remarried?"
"I was told you were dead. I knew you'd want me to move on. But once I realized I could have your love again, I knew the love I had would never suffice. You're a thousand times any woman could ever be in my life, and I mean it with every fiber of my being."
A tear ran down her cheek. Up until today, she had secretly dreaded the Alpha Quadrant. She knew she couldn't run and hide from him forever, that he'd come after her to explain that he'd taken her for dead. Kathryn shook her head, wiping the tear away, and setting the picture down on her desk. She had work to catch up on, and since she was newly recharged from Mark's message of love and devotion, she picked up the closest PADD in front of her. Chakotay's face was on it - it was his crew evaluation. His dimpled smirk gleamed before her, but for some reason, it didn't have the effect it usually did on her. Her cheeks didn't flush, and she didn't catch herself thinking of New Earth, memories she had kept so dear.
I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
New Earth. Just the mere thought of the two words was like an ocean of memories and warmth. How could she just blank out like that, totally forgetting him? She thought back to earlier when she saw him in the Mess Hall.
"There you are."
"Something on your mind, Captain?" She sat down across from him.
"I told you last night that I'd tell you who I'd call today." Her fingers tapped the table, excitement running like electricity through her.
"You've never been one to break a promise. Who was the lucky recipient?" Chakotay nonchalantly took a bite in front of her.
"Mark." Chakotay seemed to choke down his bite of food.
"Mark. Your ex?"
"No longer my ex. Oh Chakotay, you should have heard him!"
Kathryn shook her head with disgust. What an arrogant pig she was. His face had paled with her every word, but she couldn't stop herself. Not a few minutes later had he excused himself, and she sat there with what must have been the most gagging face she could imagine.
-
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case
And I don't need to look behind
Chakotay sat on the Bridge, running over all his devised cover-ups. She was to report to duty at any moment, and the last thing he wanted to do was break down, yell at her. Though he highly doubted it would phase her - what could? - with that dazed smile across her lips that once belonged to him, or so he dreamed. The doors hissed open her entrance, all the more the announcement of a slinking serpent. He fixed his eyes on the screen, though they were begging him to follow her figure as it passed before him and sat down next him.
Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,
with all the words I say,
repeating over in my mind,
some things you can't erase, no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find.
The unnerving silence. It literally like a cat was scraping out every vein in his body. Even Tom Paris turned around and looked at them. "Is there something on your mind, Lieutenant?" Chakotay said, hoping the harsh thoughts that were flowing in his head were not exerted in his tone.
"Nothing, sir." He turned back around.
The humming of the ship, the stars flying by like wisps of white left the Bridge silent. Not a console beeped. Not a soul moved.
"Commander," her voice said. It was so foreign to him; it took a minute to register. His head turned to face her, but she stared ahead. "I need to discuss something with you, regarding your evaluation." She turned to him, her eyes passing on what he hoped was the true message that she wouldn't utter in front of the Bridge staff. They stood, as if in harmony to some unheard rhythm and moved robotically into her Ready Room.
Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
"You wanted to speak to me, Captain?" Chakotay asked as he stepped lightly on the stairs he used to tread on air. The doors hissed closed behind him.
"Have a seat," Kathryn said, taking what appeared to be a photo frame off her desk and shoving it sloppily into a drawer. He sat, trying to hide the questioning look that must have painted his appearance. "I want to talk to you outside of this." Her hands briefly raised to show the room. "One on one."
"Captain to Commander?" Chakotay asked. He wanted to understand the rules of this game if he was going to win.
"Kathryn to Chakotay," she replied. Chakotay's brow raised.
"Alright," he said, with a sigh, trying to think outside of the heartbeat beating in his ears. "Shoot."
"I didn't sleep last night."
"Sorry to hear that."
"Stop it, Chakotay. You're still playing First Officer with me."
"I don't know where you're taking this, Kathryn - I'm just playing it safe. You are, after all, the one who could put me away for the rest of this trip." Not that it matters. I would still feel as empty as I do today, just like I would feel the day we arrived and you leapt into his arms.
"Since I didn't use my full call time yesterday, I'm calling Mark again." Chakotay's heart sunk, as did his eyes. He couldn't look at her. She would wear that smile again.
"Very well then. I would expect as much."
"I don't love him anymore, Chakotay." The world froze. He looked up slowly, looking into her crystal eyes. His voice felt choked, his brain was stopped - had she just said what he thought she did? "It was wrong of me to get so excited yesterday. I mean, up until that conversation, I was really expecting just to return home to my mother and Phoebe. It just gave me something more to go on." She paused, and stood up, as if buying time to figure out how to go on. Chakotay surely couldn't say anything - he was dumbfounded, speechless. She stopped in front of the view port. "To be honest with you, Mark and I were never meant to be. His definition of love and mine clashed, and though we said we loved each other, there was no emotion to it. Nothing in the way we kissed, or made love. It was like I realized that no man could love me, and took what was the only option. I was greedy, Chakotay, starving for love, and I took the first man I saw. And when I received his letter..." she paused, taking a deep breath and looking towards him. "I was shattered. Now no man loved me, or wanted anything to do with me. Then to hear him yesterday, it was like a new dawning of a familar sun. I was so happy, someone loved me."
"But I-"
"You're always at arms length, Chakotay. But arms length over countless years away will be worth it." She stepped closer down to him, coming within arms reach.
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
"Kathryn-"
Her emotions flared - an up-roaring tide. "Don't stop me, Chakotay. Because tomorrow, an hour from now, a year, a week, a month from now, I'll be too afraid. I need you, Chakotay, but more directly, I need you to understand and support me."
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside
She needed him. The previous sentenced repeated over and over again. I need you, Chakotay. The warmth that had vacated him for what seemed forever, suddenly returned. He couldn't stop himself, and before he knew it, he had taken a step forward and pressed the satin lips of the woman in front of him against his own.
-
Kathryn laid awake in her bed, though it wasn't because she was second guessing herself this time. It was because the feeling of just a few hours ago had her wound up inside. A permanent smile was transfixed across her face as she thought of Chakotay.
So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
Why he ever took her back into his heart, she'd never ask. He was always too good to her, always. He'd let her be right when she was blatantly wrong. He'd let her touch the fire and be burned so she'd learn her lesson.
-
Chakotay lay wide awake also, lying on his back and looking at the ceiling, his hands behind his head. He wanted so much to kiss her forever, to hold their embrace until Earth welcomed them home, but he knew as well as she did that they were still on duty at that time.
I'll run away with you by my side
I'll run away with you by my side
-
Kathryn knew she was in control that evening, knew that he would stop when she pulled away, though breathless. She wanted to bury herself, demote herself, just found some loophole to be with him.
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride
What she wouldn't do if the circumstances were different. Kathryn had tried to erase the line, but tomorrow, she would have to do it again. A lone tear began to form. She would have to take it back. No way could she love him. None. It wasn't even remotely a possibility. It just wasn't. He would get emotional though, his eyes glass, but she'd explain. It was over with Mark, but that didn't mean it had started again, fresh and anew with Chakotay.
-
Chakotay poked his breakfast. What a turn of events. Though he partially suspected this might happened, he never thought of the aftertaste.
"I know you love me, and you have to understand... I can't love you. As desirable as the forbidden fruit, I can't."
Once again, she had spoke before she thought, leaped before she looked, and now he was hurt by it.. again. But that was the Captain. Not Kathryn. Kathryn needed him.
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside