Therapy
Aaroniero/Szayel
Humor/Crack
Rating: T
Summary: As it turns out, too much of one thing can be bad for you. Aaroniero goes to a therapist for a physical problem.
"I've recently discovered that Hollows aren't a very good source of protein, because every time I devour them, I get the runs...bad."
"Excuse me?" Szayel did a double take.
It stands to reason that when a human has mental problems they go to be rehabilitated by a therapist who cares for the mentally ill such as drug addicts. Hollows already have those problems to begin with when they end up in Hueco Mundo because they are the incarnation of evil, thus they don't seek to be treated by anyone or anything. They have some aspect of right and wrong, but they don't follow any such moralities. In action, you hardly see Hollows sinning much except for killing people all the time like its WW2 and then hiding the body parts. Behind the scenes, however, Hollows have a lot of problems. There is Charlotte, who is Barragan Luisenbarn's fraccion.
He's just about your everyday, average dragqueen, but no one wants to know what goes on behind the scenes, or below his waist, so I have omitted this just to save you the horror. Anyway, it was these unnatural habits and lifestyles that prompted Aizen to get the Espada a counseler of sorts so that their consideration towards the war wasn't drawn elsewhere. It was only natural that Szayel was chosen for the job. After that, he had Arrancar harassing him at all hours of the day because, deep down, they really wanted someone they could talk to about their problems. The catcher: the information they leaked was confidential. In the end, Szayel wasn't helping much of anybody because the only reason people came to him was for conversation. Nnoitora was the worst.
"You see, I like porn," he said, sprawled across the couch in Szayel's makeshift office, legs obscenely spread. "I just like the way it...is, and how its always there."
Nnoitora made crazy gestures with his hands in the air, as if he was taking a rather poor stab at painting a metaphorical picture for the Octova Espada, who was this close to slamming his face into the clipboard. He wasn't even quite sure why he was with pen and paper until he amended that thought and concluded that it was so he didn't go insane. It was rather productive to doodle himself stabbing Nnoitora repetitively in the neck with the very pen he was holding. The ink was red, so it made the blood more life-like.
"My father liked to watch porn," Nnoitora continued. "Then one night, he goes off a little crazier than usual. Mommy grabs the strap-on to defend herself. He doesn't like that. So he comes at me with the dildo. He puts the dildo in my mouth, and says..."Why so serious?" Szayel straightened up, thinking that Nnoitora was reliving traumatic childhood memories and that they were finally getting to something constructive...when Nnoitora clapped. "If only I had a father!" he exclaimed, and burst out laughing at his own joke. After that, Szayel slammed the door in his face.
Aaroniero was next. He fidgeted almost nervously on the couch, his body language clearly expressing that he wanted nothing to do with being here.
"I...I don't think I should be here," he said.
"Well, that's good, because, to put it bluntly, I dislike your face. It makes me want to get therapy...and your head reminds me of a dildo, which isn't helping because Nnoitora was in here just moments ago talking about pornography, so you might want to speed things up before I lose my nerve and kick you outta here."
The two floating heads stared blankly at him before saying," Fuck. You." Nevertheless, their physical form began distorting like pudding as they changed to a more suitable form.
"That's just disgusting," Szayel said. "How unsightly." He brought his clipboard up to sheild himself, both from the sight and in fear that Aaroniero would explode or something. There was no explosion, but he felt perturbed just the same.
"You can look now," Aaroniero said, this time in mimicry of a male timbre. Kaien Shiba was pretty to look at, but not in a sexual way. He was appealing in a way that made Szayel want to cut him up with a scalpel and poke him with needles, though if he did that he knew someone wouldn't be happy about that.
"I've recently discovered that Hollows aren't a very good source of protein, because every time I devour them, I get the runs...bad."
Just as quickly as Szayel had set pen to paper, the sharp tip scratched abruptly against the clipboard. "Excuse me?" Szayel practically did a double take.
"You know..." The Espada opposite across from him twiddled his thumbs agitatedly. It, without a doubt, wasn't everyday he went to therapy for physical matters.
"I'm not following..."
"C'mon! Do I have to repeat myself?"
"Get a grip. I'm just asking a question..."
"Diarrhea, alright! Where your shit has the consistency of-"
"Okay, I get it! I don't need the unnecessary evaluati-"
"Well, you asked."
"Yes, but I didn't say for you to give me an absolute description of your bowel movements."
"Stranger things have happened. There was this one time where I accidentally walked in on Nnoitora sitting on Aizen's throne while shoving a dildo up his own-"
"UNNECESSARY INFORMATION! I DO NOT NEED THOSE KIND OF MENTAL IMAGES!"
"Oh shit." Szayel turned to a ramrod straight Aaroniero.
"What?"
"I think I'm going to shit on myself." A queasy expression crossed Kaien Shiba's face as he squirmed. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten the lower half of Metastacia, but I couldn't help myself!"
"Well, don't wait to crap all over my couch! That's vintage!"
"But if I stand-" Aaroniero argued.
"GET OUTTA HERE!" Szayel definitely didn't want to be within proximity of Aaroniero when he blew.
"Too late," the Noveno stated.
"NOOOOOOOO!"
Nothing was confidential after that...
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