Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Destroyed
Characters: Sam and Dean with mentions of Jess.
Pairing: Sam/Jess
Rating/Warnings: R AU, Het, Minor Character Death, Strong Language.
Summary: Sam finds himself destroyed over Jessica's death.
A/N: Thanks to Judy for betaing and to anyone who reads this.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or claim to. I only own this story. Eric Kripkie owns Supernatural and all its characters. I just use them for my own purposes.
Words: 800 words without title and ending.
*Destroyed* One-Shot
To be standing before her grave felt like someone was trying to kill him. The pain was that bad. Sam couldn't believe that Jessica was gone. Even though he was staring down at her grave, he still didn't want to believe it.
Jessica was dead and it was his fault. The truth of his own thoughts nearly drove him onto his knees in the grass of the cemetery. Sam just barely managed to stay on his feet but it was difficult. He felt crushed, shattered, destroyed and there was nothing he could do to change anything.
Jessica was still dead and always would be, because of his selfishness. If only he had said something to her, warned her somehow. If only he had quit being afraid of being called a freak for his visions. If only he had never left Jessica, or had gotten her out of the house somehow, she would still be alive.
Sam shook his head. Regret was useless, especially since there was no way to change things. Moments later, his strength left him and he fell to his knees in the grass anyway.
The tears came streaming down his cheeks and his breath came in shuddered gasps and he was glad that Dean had stayed in the car, because no one needed to see him break down like this.
He couldn't even tell his brother how much Jessica's death was killing him; how it was tearing up his insides and ripping what was left of him to shreds.
Dean wouldn't understand, because Dean was more of a one-night stand kind of guy, instead of a settle-down-with-your-girlfriend-and-get-married type of guy.
The fact that no one could help him, no one could ground him, made Sam scared. He felt more alone than ever and wondered if he would always feel that way now that Jessica was gone.
After a few moments, Sam finally managed to pull himself together enough to get to his feet once more. He stared at Jessica's grave one last time and then he turned and left the cemetery.
Dean was waiting in the Impala and while he knew that his brother would want to talk, would want him to do all the things Sam usually tried to force Dean to do, there was no way he would say anything.
There was nothing left to say. Jessica was gone and she had taken along with her, any chance that Sam might ever have had of being normal.
So with a resigned sigh, he slid into the passenger seat of the Impala. When Dean tried to talk to him, Sam leaned forward and turned up the volume on the radio that was playing AC/DC's Back In Black.
He tried not to think about just how much he had lost and how much it hurt to know that as corny as it sounded, he was never going to get his happy ending.
That thought made something inside him break and even though he felt Dean's eyes on him, Sam tried to keep the pain of his loss off his face.
When that didn't work and Dean's concerned expression became too much for him to take, Sam turned his body away from his brother and faced the window.
After a moment, Dean started the car and before long, they were leaving everything Sam had ever cherished behind them. It took all of Sam's willpower to not throw open the passenger side door, run back to the cemetery and throw himself on Jessica's grave and ask her to take him too.
After he took a few shuddering breaths, Sam knew he couldn't do that. He also knew that as messed up as he was and as much as he wanted to be with Jessica, she wouldn't want him to die.
He knew she wouldn't have wanted him to. That was the only thing that kept Sam from making Dean pull the car over and asking his brother to shoot him, just so he could be with Jessica.
The thought scared him, so he just kept his body facing away from his brother and against the window. His reflection stared back at him and at that moment Sam knew just how fucked up he was.
So he closed his eyes and several moments later felt the first stirrings of sleep. Sam knew that he was going to have nightmares about Jessica, but for once, he didn't care.
This was the only way he would be able to see her now and even if each and every nightmare terrified him, Sam didn't care. He just wanted Jessica any way he could get her and fuck anyone who told him he was crazy, because Sam already knew that.
It was the one thing he knew, that no one else did and it didn't matter. That nothing mattered anymore.
The end.