The Madness Begins
"I looooooove you! Baby, oh please!"
Ugh… I turned in my bed. What was that infernal racket disturbing my sleep? I opened my eyes and checked the time.
6 A.M.
"Lady Steph, you're mine!"
Small rocks clattered against my bedroom window.
I blinked. When had I become royal? Like a 1000-year-old mummy, I wandered to my window and opened it.
A man was shouting his lungs out on the parking lot. He was dressed as a medieval troubadour. Odd, but nothing world-shattering around my neighbourhood. When he noticed me, he paused and rather angrily exclaimed, "FINALLY! Jesus. You should go to bed earlier! It's already 6 a.m.! Who sleeps that thickly at this hour?"
Before I could tell him to go check his anus for E.T. items, he whipped out a guitar from behind his back and started to sing.
"You know you love me, I know you care, you are my love, you are my heart and we will never be apart... are we an item… Oooh baby, baby baby, ooh… Won't you be mine?" He bellowed, smiling slyly.
He was singing Justin Bieber to me?
"SHUT UP!" I roared. "IT'S FUCKING 6 A.M.!"
His face darkened. "You are mine! You can't escape your part in this! It was so said in the Sunday's paper!"
What?
"I AM COMING TO GET YOU!"
What was going on?
Confused, I hopped over to my neighbour's.
Mrs. Kensington opened her door in a state of distress.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked. "It's only 6 a.m.!"
"I know. But this is urgent –"
"I could've been in a middle of an orgasm! And you would've ruined it!"
"Well… sorry. But you weren't, were you?" I said, feeling a bit uncomfortable.
Her face saddened. "No. I wasn't. See, my pussy lips… They've been a bit dry lately –"
OH MY GOD. I SO NOT WANTED TO HEAR THIS.
She opened her robe. OR SEE THIS.
"Do you have yesterday's paper?!" I shrieked, blinking my eyes like an owl in seizure. I saw a glimpse of an untamed dark jungle… No, don't go there…. think happy thoughts… happy thoughts…
"Jesus! What's wrong with you?" she asked, a brow arched critically. Then she smiled knowingly. "Oh, I see. No jumping the bones lately, eh? You should masturbate more. I have some fantastic machines, if you want to borrow - "
"THE PAPER! THE PAPER!"
When I got the damn thing finally thrown on my face, I retreated back to my apartment. I flipped the pages on my kitchen table… And then a big a picture of me came to view.
"HEAR, HEAR! This year Trenton celebrates Valentine's Day in a way never seen before… BY MATCH-MAKING! We announce our very own Bombshell Bounty Hunter, Stephanie Plum, to be this year's Lady Marian, a woman who needs to be saved from a fate most horrible…
FROM LOVELESS LIFE.
So, all the Robin Hoods in Trenton, this is for you!
Follow the rules below, and she might be yours!
1. Dress the part! (Sexy tights or nothing! And fatties… please don't bother. Think of others, for f***'s sake!)
2. Woo! (Chocolate, singing, roses… you know the drill!)
3. Well…. shit. If things above won't work…. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO KIDNAP HER. Sometimes ladies like danger…
The Spectacle starts on Monday. And if she somehow manages to turn down the finest of Belgian chocolates… the sexiest Lenny Kravitz imitations…and escapes the kidnap attempts…Then suitors' archery skills shall be tested on Friday… IN THE GREAT ARCHERY COMPETITION. AND THE WINNER *will* GET HER, this we promise!
Ps. Also gets a romantic weekend with miss Plum. And a small financial reward, if necessary…
The kidnap attempts start on Wednesday, if not by then has anyone won her over."
Like angry cat's fur, my hair was raised up to the ceiling and my brows followed.
What was I, the town's official hooker? Was my mother behind this? The m***********!
A noise from my bedroom made me swivel my head around. Fuck. I had completely forgotten the troubadour. Must have climbed the fire escape.
"I told you I was gonna get you!" he puffed.