There are only so many things you can do at a funeral. There are five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I don't know where I stand.
Nadia and her parents sat in the front pew. Peter, Ivy and Matt were right behind them. Tanya, Rory and the other girls sat on the opposite side. Allen and the guys were behind them. The chapel was full of people – friends and family grieving for Jason.
I'm sitting in the back. Alone. And for good reason. No one wants to sit near me. After all, I killed him.
I killed him because I'm Lucas Carter – the ultimate party guy. I don't have to care about anyone or anything. I'll have my fix and give you yours too. You have a problem? I know how to make it disappear.
Jason came to me when he was really messed up. He wanted G. Said it was to get over his nerves for opening night. I didn't think about it. I delivered the goods the next day.
It never occurred to me that he would take the whole dose. I mean, when I first introduced the gang to GHB I told them to take it carefully. But I guess it doesn't matter if I warned them about the dangers of using, because I still gave this poison to my friends.
It is poison, isn't it? That's why the shit I deal is illegal.
Fuck, man. You couldn't call Jason and I best friends. But… I killed one of my closest friends at St. Cecilia's. One of the only guys who didn't make fun of me for having to repeat my freshman year. And I killed him.
I can't sit here anymore. But I can't be the first to leave, either. So I wait.
First Mr. and Mrs. O'Connell leave. Then Nadia, followed by Matt. The girls exit; so do the guys. Peter and Ivy are the last to leave.
No one looked at me. Not even Tanya, my girlfriend of two years. She won't have anything to do with me.
I don't know if they blame me. But I did it. I gave Jason the poison that took his life. I gave him the fuckin' drug that stole him away from everyone who cared about him.
The chapel is empty except for me.
I'm more alone than ever now.
And I deserve every ounce of loneliness they give me.