For a friend.
If she would ever read it, she'd know that I wrote it for her. And how I poured all my confused, painful and twisted feelings into it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing expect for my disturbed feelings... anyone wanna trade?
No Yullen intended.
CASCADE
Sighing, Kanda turned off the lights and made his way through to the darkness to the bed. It was cold, especially because he had just taken a shower and his hair was not completely dry yet. It would probably soak the pillow, but right now he didn't care, he just lay down and closed his eyes, when the memories of this day came back and filled his mind with pictures. Another mission, another argument. It was always the same and he knew that this would never change.
No matter how much he tried to hold back or how much he tried to ignore the Moyashi, somehow he always got on his bad side and then the next argument was just a few words away. By now he knew that the other one also tried to avoid these arguments, but their effort seemed useless. Like it would be best, if they didn't talk to each other at all – but that was impossible. They had to work together, they had to trust each other and there was no way out of it. Their lifes depended on their cooperation and no matter how much he despised this fact, grudgingly, he had long come to accept it.
And sometimes they also got along; when it came to work and they had to focus on the akuma or the innocence, no problems occured, everything went smoothly. Just according to plan. But once it was about personal matters, with just one wrong word or just one sentence phrased the wrong way all hell could break loose. Then they argued even when they didn't want to, just because no one could give in. Sometimes the Moyashi just stormed off, but he still had to have the last word. Sometimes he ended the argument by walking away, especially when it was not an argument between the two of them anymore. When someone stepped in to take the Moyashi's side, this was even more infuriating than the argument itself.
Eyes closed, staring into black nothingness, Kanda could admit that it was then he envied the Moyashi the most. Or at least, it was only then that he ever envied him. No one would ever try to speak for the Japanese exorcist, to defend him or to help him was unthinkable. He had chosen this path himself, he had learned to stand up for himself and depending on others would not only let him appear weak, it would make him weak. But on the other hand, there were so many people who always came to the Moyashi's aid and while it gave the Moyashi strength, it weakened himself. He should not care about it, but he did. He should not feel disliked by these people, but he did. He should not be bothered by it.
But he did.
And it was impossible for him to change the situation because he would never allow someone else to carry his problems for him. One could not simply speak for Kanda and those who knew him already thought this impossible. Probably Lavi could – but neither did he want to bother Lavi with this nor did he want to tell him about it. And adding to that... the Moyashi was also Lavi's friend and he didn't want to put the Bookman Junoir into a situation where he had to choose. Also because he – admittetly for a reason – feared that he would not like his choice.
Being a person tolerated, but disliked by most Kanda had somehow arranged himself with the circumstances, though they were not to his liking. It wasn't all that difficult to act cool and composed when he had years of practice in this field; only the Moyashi always made this cold mask shatter and reveal the many emotions behind it, not all of them good and likeable. Probably because in most cases the mask disappeared when he was having another argument with the Moyashi. Thus it was rather easy for others to dislike the aloof, but sometimes very violent Japanese. He was well aware of that fact and sometimes even took advantage of this to keep people he really didn't want around him at a distance that was more to his liking – which means, far, far away. They called him mean and manipulating for that, he also knew that.
And Kanda also knew that the peace-loving Moyashi was more successful in trying to avoid those arguments and sometimes that made him even more angrier. Because he was furious and he wanted to vent this anger on something, preferrably the one who enraged him, but then it would seem like he wanted to go ballistic on the Moyashi over nothing. Of course, solving things peacefully was the way that most people preferred, but the anger didn't vanish just like that, it rather piled up inside of him and broke loose when the next fight started. A vicious circle he also couldn't break because this would mean talking to the Moyashi about this. Hell no.
Talking to the Moyashi about their ...anger management problem was an absolute no-go. Not because he liked the current situation, but because it was almost impossible for Kanda to convey his feelings properly – also because talking with the Moyashi would make him angry anyway and that would only make him look unreasonable. He could not keep cool when he had to talk about what only he himself could understand and what most people would either laugh about or try to talk him out of it; Kanda didn't know what was worse for him, being laughed at or being told that his feelings, his perception of the world, his self was silly and not likeable and all that stuff. Probably the latter. That's why he didn't like talking about this kind of things. No one would understand, some wouldn't care and most would try to tell him otherwise. But this was him, how could he be anyone else? Used and abused, he had become this person and he couldn't change his past.
Turning around, the wet strands of his long hair stuck to his back; with a gruff sound Kanda shoved them back onto the pillow where they belonged. Today it had been about the way he seemingly had treated Linali in the Moyashi's eyes, tomorrow it would be about something else. For crying out loud, Linali could speak for herself and she didn't seem to be bothered by his way of talking at all. But just because he didn't lace his words with all the polite stuff the Moyashi always used, the white-haired exorcist had to have the great idea to start an argument. He had told him his opinion, the Moyashi had told him his and they were heading into the next fight from one second to the other.
It was useless. Nothing the Moyashi did could ever be right in Kanda's eyes and likewise. Trying to get along only worked when they had to work, when personal matters had to be put aside. He didn't know if the Moyashi felt the same, but for him, their fights were... tiring. Not while they were fighting, but afterwards, when he thought about it and didn't even know how it had started. Or how it could've turned into such a big... mess. When he was angry, it was reasonable, it was justifiable and he couldn't be in the wrong. When it was over, he was exhausted and still unforgiving and it was for the better, if they didn't talk for at least an hour or more. But when he had calmed down, everything seemed so stupid to him that he asked himself how he could let this happen. Only then Kanda sometimes regretted their arguments, but he would rather eat chocolate than tell anyone about this regret.
This was it. This was life and he could only accept it like this, because he had no other options without humiliating himself. Kanda couldn't let anyone know what he thought about in moments like this, he was determined to carry it all by himself, even if it meant to argue with the Moyashi on an almost daily routine. There had been times when he thought that it could be different, when theys had argued less, but now he was pessimistic enough to think that this was only because they had talked less during these times. When there had been no time to talk at all or when they didn't see each other so much. But right now they were on a mission and they couldn't avoid meeting, and even less, talking to each other. And Kanda knew, he just knew that he could trust his instincts, even when it came to things like this. The next fight was only a few meetings away.
Astounding... how much our situations seem to match from my POV. Probably because I put a lot of myself into Kanda – don't like, don't read. Flames will be used for making popcorn.