So Long, Scarecrow
You say you lost everything
Some things you never had - So Long, Scarecrow by Scarling
There is a moment when a thought unwittingly slips into your brain. You don't notice it at first amongst the fear that holds you stock still while a gun is pointed at other people's temples. It is only later, in the early hours of the morning when your dead husband's parents finally stop fussing around you and go to bed. Leaving you to cradle your sleeping son tightly and reflect on how you thought you may never get to see or hold him again. Then the thought manifests itself and you can't help but obsess.
It is all about her.
It always has been and you can't believe how naïve you have been. You hate her, them, for taking away your innocence and you make a silent promise that you'd be damned if you let your son be tainted as well. At least you could sleep at night when you were still ignorant.
But you know still you only see the tip of the iceberg, there is so much that has been kept secret from you and now you know some truths you think that you need to here to entire thing.
But not right now. The night in Ireland is now familiar and comforting and you finally feel safe. All you can hear is the softness of the wind through the trees and your son's soft breathing. His father would have been in awe of the beauty of your tiny child, maybe even more than you are.
But Liam never got to meet little Liam. The first face your child saw was that of the man that killed your husband. And it was all for her. You don't think Tony ever really loved you. Maybe he was never capable of true love but the fire you had seen he held for his wife was the closest you had seen to that pure emotion. Even when you were with him, and it makes you want to vomit to think about it now, it never quite felt right. Never quite felt true.
You may actually be the queen of self denial. You had done it before and you had done it with Tony because you were alone and pregnant and so terrified at being left behind even before Liam had died. There had been no passion between the pair of you but at the time it didn't matter. You both needed the comfort, the companionship. You thought he was the only one who would understand how you feel and you had been surprised at how easy it was to forget the evil in his eyes as he towered over and threatened you.
And you blame her for pulling you life apart time and time again. You took no pleasure in seeing her terrified or knocked unconscious, no one deserved that, but you can never truly forgive or like the other woman. She is everything you'd never be, strong, elegant and quick witted. But you have seen the pain she usually keeps hidden in the depth of her eyes as you stood together on the smouldering wreckage. You understand she suffers more than you can ever comprehend, you'd never want to comprehend, and you know that she has no one. The Connor's all fuss and worry over you now.
One day you will be brave enough to ask what truly happened between her and your husband, but not today, and not any time soon. Right now you just want to hold your son and try to forget just for a night.