Suddenly I See

by kate04us

3x13 add-on - They need to talk, but Sharon needs a little time to think first. Are they dating? Does she want to date him? How angry is she about his lie? Definitely Shandy!

Suddenly I See

by Kate04

A/N: So this is my take on 3x13 Acting Out. Sharon didn't strike me as being truly pissed off at the situation. Surprised and uncomfortable and probably not exactly happy, yes. But not really angry. There were too many secret smirks for that. However, I do believe that she would've needed time to make sense of it all. This is basically an epic girly freak-out session.

As always, thanks for the lovely and quick beta goes to Most Bossy Robin. I'm greedy and claim all remaining mistakes as my own.

Kadi219 and lontanissima helped the plot along in long late-night brainstorming sessions and were always ready with an opinion. Thank you, ladies! You're the best! The suspenders are entirely Kadi's fault. She put the image into my head and it shall forever stay there.

Disclaimer: Not my toys, not my sandbox. Just popping by for a visit. Will leave everything as I found it, I promise!

But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors, that's why I love you
So don't be afraid, to let them show
Your true colours, true colours
are Beautiful, like a rainbow

- Phil Collins – True Colors

"I'm not dating."

Even to her own ears those words sounded a little defensive, but it wasn't her fault that no one seemed to believe her. Rusty's smug answer didn't really help, either. Sometimes Sharon didn't know if she wanted to hug or shake the boy. Right now she was leaning more towards shaking – hard. There was a better way to get back at him for being too cheeky for his own good, though. Her time would come. At some point Rusty would have to introduce this Jeff to her and she would make sure to thoroughly embarrass him. The thought brought a small smile to her face.

And yet, as she followed Rusty to the car, his words kept lingering on her mind, adding to the already jumbled mess of her thoughts. A very loud and insistent voice maintained that Andy was her friend. He was a very good friend, but not more. They weren't dating! Friends went to dinner and the movies together. They did things they enjoyed together, like baseball or charity dinners. She did that with her other friends, too.

Several times a month? interjected the echo of Rusty's voice. Okay, so it had been a while since she had been out with Gavin for more than a quick bite during their lunch breaks. And they didn't go to the movies together, because, whatever all those clichés about gay men said, they did not all like romantic movies. Gavin hated them. Instead he had an almost unhealthy obsession with horror films. He also didn't like baseball and usually took one of his dates to those charity dinners.

She did go out with Andrea Hobbs occasionally, but apart from having a demanding job, she also had a husband and two children still at home. They didn't get a chance to get together very often – certainly not several times a month.

And that was pretty much the extent of her close friends in the area. The others she kept in touch with via phone calls or emails whenever they got the chance. Now that she thought about it, it was all a little sad, but between raising two kids alone and getting her career going she hadn't had a lot of time to make friends – not with her crazy hours and certainly not at work, where everyone had hated her.

Was it so bad that she enjoyed the time she spent with Andy so much? They just happened to do so much together, because they worked the same hours and didn't have partners. They were both free to be spontaneous, which was pretty much the only way one got to do anything in their line of work. It was all perfectly innocent. They were just two regular friends.

Why did his soft touch on the small of her back make her shiver, then? It was an unconscious little caress as he held the passenger side door open for her and Sharon wondered if he had always done that and she just hadn't noticed. She made an effort to give him a grateful smile as he closed the door for her. No matter how she felt about Andy's deception, and she couldn't even begin to figure that out, tonight was about family and whatever issues she had with him would have to wait until they were alone. They had no place here. In thirty years of marriage, she had never let their marital spats spoil any special family events. The fact that she compared her current problem with Andy with a fight between spouses gave her pause. They weren't married. They were just friends. They weren't dating.

Several times a month came the instant reply from that annoying voice. The circular nature of her own thoughts frustrated her and she made an effort to quiet them. In the back of the car, Nicole had started quizzing Rusty about his job. Apparently she was a bit of a Jonny Worth fan and couldn't contain her excitement at hearing little titbits from set. If Rusty mentioned Jeff a little more often than strictly necessary, Sharon tried her best to ignore it for now. One headache at a time.

For the first few miles, Andy kept casting surreptitious glances her way, obviously trying to gauge her mood and being adorably obvious about it. After the eleventh concerned look, Sharon pushed aside enough of her annoyance at him to give him a small, reassuring smile. Her whispered "It's okay" finally made him relax. She didn't bother to give voice to the for now, as she was sure that he knew her well enough to expect a talk at some point.

Once they had decided to push the awkwardness and tension of their earlier conversation in her condo out of the way for the time being, the evening turned out to be surprisingly pleasant. Rusty had ceased his teasing after Sharon had casually asked him how is favourite AD was doing. The way his mouth had instantly snapped shut was almost comical. He had been only too willing to sit between her and Andy without making any comment.

It wasn't that she didn't trust Andy to keep his hands to himself when he sat next to her, but she felt a little more comfortable with a buffer between them, at least until she knew what exactly they were doing and how she felt about his lie. It was easier to push all these troubling thoughts out of her mind when there was some physical distance between them. During the intermission, they all had a wonderful, relaxed conversation about the boys, music, and ballet. For those who hadn't been present for their after dinner conversation nothing looked out of the ordinary and for a short while even Sharon almost forgot about it.

The awkwardness returned with a vengeance when they were on their way home again. With just Rusty in the back seat this time, who was busy playing chess on his phone or exchanging text messages with his friends or whatever else he did, there was nothing to fill the oppressive silence between them. Neither one of them felt like forcing a cheerful conversation and, although Rusty was occupied, they didn't want to clear the air between them with him in the car, either.

To be honest, Sharon wasn't entirely sure she wanted to have this conversation at all – at least not before she didn't have a chance to truly think about the situation. She needed to analyse it from all angles and figure out how she wanted to move on. The fact of the matter was that he had lied to her and she had issues with that. She had only very recently gotten out of a relationship that had been heavily influenced by lies and she had no intention of getting back into that pattern.

When they arrived at her building, Andy pulled into one of the guest parking spots in the garage, turning off the engine. As was his habit, he got out and opened her door for her, waiting till she got out to close it again. He stood a lot closer than she felt comfortable with at the moment and the look he gave her triggered her flight impulse, which she somehow managed to suppress. She could see that he badly wanted to talk to her, to explain himself without the presence of their kids or the squad hovering outside her office.

Rusty took one look at them once he had clambered out of the back of the car and offered a quick good night and thank you for the ride to Andy before he headed inside, leaving them alone in the deserted parking garage.

"Look, Sharon…"

His hands were buried in his pockets and he stared down at the ground between them, looking like a schoolboy who was about to be chastised in front of the entire class. Sharon couldn't help but feel bad for him, but it wasn't enough to get over her hurt and doubt and disappointment and whatever else made her head spin at the moment. She interrupted him, shaking her head, her tone gentle but firm.

"Andy, please don't. I know we have to talk about this, but I need some time to think it through first. The last couple of days were a bit much. I don't want to fight with you, but that's exactly where this would be headed if we talked now. Give me a day or two to put things straight in my own head. Can you do that?"

Andy opened his mouth to reply, protest clearly written on his face, but then he deflated visibly, giving her a nod instead. He reached out to touch his hand to hers, but withdrew his arm before he could make contact. There was so much sadness in his eyes that Sharon almost felt tempted to hug him.

"I'm sorry, Sharon. I really am."

She wanted to take his hand, brush a finger along his cheek, anything to make the sadness in his gaze and the broken tone of his voice go away. It wasn't her intention to send him to the doghouse, or whatever the friendship equivalent was, but she didn't know how else to deal with the situation. Instead, she fiddled with the clasp of her purse.

"I know and I promise we'll talk soon."

He nodded again and for a moment silence stretched between them, until he pulled his hands out of his pockets again and gestured towards his car.

"I guess I'd better head home now. Good night, Sharon. And thank you for tonight."

This time she gave him a real smile.

"I had a good time. Good night, Andy. Drive carefully."

With that she walked towards the elevator, hearing the sound of his car as he drove off into the pleasantly chilly night.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Sharon's night wasn't particularly restful. She couldn't get Andy's sad expression out of her mind, hating that she had to brush him off like that. He wasn't the kind of person who dealt well with postponing a confrontation. It was one of the things she liked about him. One always knew when he was upset about something. He didn't need a lot of time to think about his words, he just exploded, blurted it all out before he went back to being his charming, mostly rational self. She understood his frustration with her approach, but she didn't know how to do it any other way.

Her deliberate way of dealing with everything, especially emotional situations, was something people had joked about all her life. What they didn't understand was that she had worked very hard on the ability to control herself. Being from a sizable Irish-Catholic family, she had a bit of a temper, just like most of her siblings and their father. From a very early age it had been made clear to her that it was neither wise nor very attractive to lose one's temper. Her mother had tried to teach all her children, especially the girls, how to prevent that. She would give them a stern look and tell them to take a deep breath and close their eyes to think about the situation and their response to it and only speak once they knew how to respond in an appropriate way.

At the time she had thought her mother silly and the entire procedure highly annoying, but later on in her job and when dealing with Jack, she had found the technique very useful. It didn't always work, especially when she felt out of her depth, which was why she had not been able to talk to Andy tonight. She felt too raw with all those conflicting emotions, not certain if she wanted to be angry at him for lying to her and Nicole or for using her as a means to get closer to his daughter. Then there was the question of their relationship. Were they just friends or were they really dating? If they were dating, what did it mean? What would that change?

Sharon thought back over the last year, trying to see what Rusty had pointed out to them earlier, trying to pinpoint when exactly things might have changed.

It had all started after the Nutcracker the year before, even though the rumour of their alleged relationship must have started before that. They hadn't gone out more than once or twice between the wedding and the ballet and it had never been more than a quick bite to eat after a long day at work, but somehow they must have given the impression that something was going on between them.

She had enjoyed the ballet very much and the dinner before had been pleasant, despite Andy's nervousness. She would never have thought that her hot-headed Lieutenant would be such a thoughtful companion, always holding the door, helping her into and out of her coat, holding her chair, and generally doing everything to make her feel very much appreciated.

After that evening, he had asked her out to dinner more frequently, usually to that small, quiet Italian place close to the station. It was charmingly rustic and the food was great. At first it had been to wind down and talk about a tough case. It had been two colleagues lending each other a compassionate ear, someone to make sense of things that didn't make sense. Gradually, their conversations had included more and more topics that weren't work related. They shared childhood stories, told each other about their families and childhood dreams, about their children and the early years on the job. As the months passed, they got to know each other on an ever deeper level, talking about parts of their lives they usually kept to themselves, their marriages, broken dreams, fears and hopes.

Andy had been there for her throughout the catastrophic SIS operation and subsequent trial. He had held her when she had cried after sending Rusty off with Provenza and Julio, had listened to her guilt and doubt and fear. She honestly didn't know how she would've gotten through that time without his solid friendship. She never had to explain anything to him. He knew the situation and he knew how she felt about Rusty. He didn't question their relationship or her reasons for getting attached. He just knew and he understood.

When the trial had finally been behind them and Rusty had settled down and gotten back into a more normal life, without police protection and all those things that had driven him crazy, their dinners had taken on a lighter, more carefree note. The oppressive spectre of Stroh and Weller had no longer been hovering over them, leaving them free to just enjoy each other's company without feeling guilty.

They had found out that they both liked reading and had a similar taste in movies. A few days after a particularly heated discussion about movies, Andy had invited her to see a new one he thought she would enjoy. It had been something they'd done regularly after that.

Then Sharon Beck had returned, reawakening a whole set of different fears and worries in her, Andy had been there for both her and Rusty. He had given the boy advice on how to deal with his addict mother, providing an example for how it might all turn out well, but at the same time letting him know that it was okay not to trust her completely. Sharon had told him that herself, but hers was a different perspective than Andy's and hearing the same words from him had allowed Rusty to let go of some of his guilt. After his mother had fallen off the wagon, he had gone to Andy with his worries and renewed guilt over possibly having pushed her back into her addiction with their fight. She was glad Rusty trusted him enough to seek him out and their talk had helped the boy come to terms with the nature of his mother's illness.

The night Sharon had gone to the prison to confront Rusty's mother about her outrageous behaviour towards her son, Andy had insisted on driving her, waiting outside until she came back. His strong arms and solid presence had been a safe haven when all she had wanted was to strangle the woman who had hurt her boy so much. Andy had held her until she had stopped shaking with rage, before taking them to their favourite café where he put a large cup of hot chocolate and a big slice of chocolate truffle cake in front of her.

A few weeks later, Andy had come to her with a spare Dodgers ticket. Lieutenant Provenza, who had been supposed to go with him, had come down with the flu, so Andy had asked if Rusty would like to go with him. Sharon had smiled at that. Her Lieutenants kept trying to convince the boy to appreciate their favourite pastime, but he simply wasn't into sports. She had politely declined on behalf of her son, but told him that, if he didn't mind, she would be happy to go with him. Her offer had taken him a little aback, but he had agreed with a happy grin and a sparkle in his eyes. That day, she had managed to shock him a bit, making sure he didn't assume to know everything there was to know about her. The memory still made her laugh even months later.

Andy's surprised face when she stepped out into the parking garage was priceless. Sharon smiled brightly, letting him get away with the rather obvious way in which he was ogling her. Maybe she had hoped for a reaction like that when she had picked out her outfit, even if she would never admit it to anyone.

She knew that she didn't look too bad in her blue jeans and the old Dodgers jersey and cap, her hair tied back into a ponytail. Come to think of it, Sharon was pretty sure that he had never seen her with her hair like that. She usually wore it down or had part of it pinned back. Emily kept saying that the ponytail made her look younger. Apparently, Andy liked what he saw. His gaze lingered especially long on her overly large jersey, a questioning eyebrow raised.

"You know, Andy, you're not the only Dodgers fan in this city. Why does this surprise you so much?"

Andy shook himself out of his stupor and opened the passenger side door for Sharon, waiting for her to fold herself into his car.

"You never said anything about being into baseball. How come I didn't know that about you?"

He almost sounded a little hurt that she would keep something as essential as liking his favourite team from him and it made Sharon laugh.

"You could've asked me."

She let him think about that for a moment before she explained further, looking up to where he still leaned against the open door.

"My Dad is a big baseball fan and he brought all of us along to the games as a family outing. Those are some of my fondest memories. When I moved out here, I stopped going for many years until Ricky started to play. He turned out to be a Dodgers fan pretty early on, so I took him whenever I could. It's been quite a while since I last went, so I'm really looking forward to this."

He gave her a bright smile as he closed the door before he walked around towards the driver's side. As they started out on the short drive to the stadium, a comfortable silence settled between them, both lost in memories of days spent with their families and thinking of the day ahead.

The day turned out to be even better than Sharon had hoped. Of course she knew that Andy was a delightful person to be around, but there was something charmingly boyish about a man at a ball game. His enthusiasm was unbelievably contagious, making her enjoy their time together even more.

He was the perfect gentleman, making sure to provide her with cold drinks and enough junk food to last her at least a year. They were both equally excited by the game. He even hugged her at the end, when the game had ended with a win for the Dodgers.

Afterwards, neither one of them had felt like going home yet, so they had taken a detour through Elysian Park, finding a convenient spot to leave the car so they could take a walk. At the time, it had all seemed perfectly normal to her. Just two friends who enjoyed a stroll through nature. They'd found a lovely place to sit and watch the sun set over LA while they talked about the game and all those happy memories they associated with baseball.

When she thought about that day now, Sharon had to admit that it did sound a lot like a date. In fact, it sounded pretty much like the perfect date. Why hadn't she realised it at the time? Had Andy known? Had he done this intentionally, hoping she would get the message?

No, that couldn't be. Why would a man like Andy want to date her, anyway? She wasn't his type. Besides, if he really wanted more than friendship, Andy would've had plenty of opportunities to tell her. It wasn't as if they never saw each other, as Rusty had pointed out so helpfully earlier.

A month after the game, Sharon had asked Andy to accompany her to a charity banquet she had been invited to. It had been one of those black tie events that came with being dedicated to a social cause. She had been pleasantly surprised when he had agreed to go. It wasn't something many people enjoyed, herself included.

Seeing Andy in a tuxedo had more than made up for the company of all those pretentious people. He had been incredibly handsome and once again incredibly thoughtful all night. They had attracted quite a few looks, many of them from women who clearly envied her.

The food had been great, the speeches bearable, if not overly inspiring, and they had even had a chance to look at some of the art on display. Later in the evening, she'd wanted to get away from a particularly tiresome conversation, so Andy had dragged her onto the dance floor, where they had then spent the next hour. He was an amazing dancer, something she would never have expected before experiencing it at Nicole's wedding a year ago. They had started out with the intention of dancing through one song before heading home, but his arms had been so comfortable around her, his solid presence keeping her close. He hadn't seemed to mind, tirelessly spinning her around the crowded dance floor until she had no longer been able to ignore the pain in her feet.

They had made their escape then, before anyone else could draw them into any longwinded discussions. He had taken her to a small all-night cafe around the corner for one last cup of coffee to wind down. The place had been around forever and both of them had already gone there years ago, after long nights on patrol.

It had been almost 3 am when Andy had finally dropped her off at home. The happiness of that evening had stayed with her for days, provoking some funny looks from Rusty.

Sharon groaned at that memory. Of course he would draw the wrong conclusions. How could he not when she went out with her friend and came back late at night, only to walk around with a smile for days. He couldn't have known that she had just enjoyed dancing, that she was happy to have someone to share that passion with, someone she could talk to about old memories and current worries, someone who got her sense of humour and was able to follow her sometimes random thoughts.

If Rusty had picked up on the level of comfort and familiarity between her and Andy, it was pretty safe to assume that Andy's family had done the same. Was that how this mess had started? Had they seen them together and just assumed they were dating? She could imagine how it had gone from there. Nicole had been happy for her Dad and he hadn't corrected her assumption right away. His ex wife had probably made some sort of snarky comment about the entire thing at some point, causing Andy to say something in response without thinking about it first. He tended to do that in certain situations and somehow his ex had a knack for creating exactly those situations for him. Stories like that had a way of developing a life of their own after a while, and she was convinced that that was what had happened, stranding Andy up to his neck in some sort of alternate reality, trying to keep all the balls in the air.

Well, they had definitely been dropped now and they would have to find a way to pick them up.

At some point in her musings, Sharon actually managed to fall into a fitful sleep, fragmented dreams making her feel decidedly unrested in the morning. In an attempt to be productive and get as many chores out of the way while she could, Sharon started her Saturday with a trip to the mall. They had run out of pretty much everything, as neither Sharon nor Rusty had been able to find the time to buy more than the absolute essentials during the last two weeks. Their work schedules had been somewhat crazy. In fact, he was off to the set again today, only stopping in the kitchen to grab a quick sandwich and wish her a pleasant day.

Keeping busy with shopping and housework took her mind mostly off last night's shocking revelation. But as soon as the last room was cleaned and the last bit of laundry folded and put away, her thoughts returned to her friendship with Andy.

She still didn't believe they had been dating. Could two people date without knowing about it? Despite having spent most of last night thinking about this problem, she wasn't any closer to a solution than she had been the day before. She had to talk to someone. An impartial opinion was exactly what she needed and there was only one person who could provide her with that.

Gavin Baker picked up his phone after the third ring, his tone full of the usual snark when he greeted her. Sharon didn't bother to return the greeting. Instead she just blurted out her most pressing question, not worrying about whether or not her words made any sense to her friend.

"Am I dating Andy?"

She bit her lip as she waited for his answer. Just when she began to suspect that the call had been disconnected, she heard him laugh heartily.

"Darling, if you have to ask that you should think about getting out more. Care to tell me what prompted that question?"

Humour was still evident in his tone and Sharon wasn't sure how she felt about that. Why was it that everyone had to make fun of her dating life?

"Apparently, his daughter was under the impression that we are... you know..." She rolled her eyes at her own inability to put this ridiculous situation into words.

"She thought we were in a relationship, which of course isn't true."

Gavin tried and failed to suppress a snort. "Of course not, honey."

"Anyway, we invited her to the condo before the ballet yesterday and set the record straight. Only that Rusty said some things that made it sound like we were dating, so I'm not sure Nicole believed anything we said to her about our relationship."

"What did the kid say?" Gavin was still too amused for Sharon's liking, but she ignored it for the moment.

"He mentioned that Andy and I go to dinner sometimes and occasionally catch a movie. He might also have mentioned the Dodgers game and that charity event a few months ago. The way he said it, well, it sounded sort of incriminating."

A moment of silence was followed by a sigh, before Gavin replied.

"Have you considered the possibility that it sounds incriminating because it is true?"

Sharon closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the sofa. Not Gavin, too! Why did everyone think she was dating?

"How can I be dating someone without knowing about it? Doesn't dating require both parties to consent to it? And I can't give my consent to something that I don't know is happening."

Maybe she sounded a little more smug than strictly necessary, but this was her best argument and it made sense to her.

"Sharon, when was the last time you dated, you know, knowingly and with full consent and all?"

She had to seriously think about that one and if his laughter was any indication, Gavin picked up on it.

"Was it sometime this millennium?"

She considered that for another moment, before she decided to ask for clarification.

"By dating, do you mean more than one dinner with the same man?"

Gavin made a sound that fell somewhere between a pained groan and a resigned laugh.

"You're hopeless, darling. Okay, I get it. You really need help. So let's look at this from an other perspective for a moment."

Sharon hummed in agreement, listening to rustling on the other end of the line, which indicated that Gavin made himself more comfortable, getting ready for a long talk.

"You claim you can't have been dating that hot Lieutenant of yours for the last year or so, because you didn't know you were. Let's just assume that is the case. Now, your problem obviously is that your definition of your relationship is very different from that of the other people in your lives. Is that correct?"

Smiling at his lawyer tone, Sharon agreed to his statement. That was the problem, wasn't it?

"The question you should ask yourself should not be if you were dating in the past. Whatever you did or didn't do, you can't change that anymore and I don't see much use in defining it retrospectively. Instead you should think about the future. I assume you enjoyed spending time with Mr. Flynn or you wouldn't have repeatedly done it over the course of the last year. The way I see it, you can either stop going out together the way you currently do in order to move your relationship well and truly into the friend zone or you can continue with your current behaviour and call it what it is."

She wasn't entirely comfortable with either option and didn't quite believe that it was even necessary to change anything.

"But if we both agree that we're just friends and nothing more, there's no need for us to change anything. No one else should get to define our relationship for us."

It was as if he had waited for her to say those words. He practically jumped on them.

"You're right. The two of you are the only people who can and should define your relationship, but now that the word is out there, can you honestly say that you could go out to one of those cozy dinners, sit in a dark movie theatre with all those kissing and groping couples around you, or talk your way through a sunset without it coming up? It's bound to colour your perception of each other and it's gonna make things awkward. Whether you like it or not, you'll have to make a decision. There's really only one question you need to answer for yourself and I'll leave you to think about that. Do you want to live without the closeness you found with Andy or not? That's all the advice you're gonna get from me today. I've gotta run, darling! Love you!"

With that he was gone, leaving her once again with too many things on her mind. Somehow she had hoped talking to Gavin would help her sort through her thoughts and come to a conclusion, not result in even more confusion. Did she want to go back to just being Andy's boss? The answer to that was very easy. No, she didn't. Sharon valued their friendship too much to give it up and she was reasonably sure that Andy felt the same about that. That put her right back where she had started – they were friends, nothing more.

That raised yet another question, one which Sharon wasn't sure she wanted to face. How did she feel about actually dating Andy? She was definitely unwilling to lose her friendship with Andy. Whatever else happened, no matter how disappointed she was that he hadn't told her about the misunderstanding with his family, this friendship was one of the best things that had happened to her in a long time. According to Gavin, they wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were. She had thought the idea ridiculous at first, but the more she considered it, the more sense it made. The easygoing nature of their interactions would be lost as every word, every reassuring caress would be questioned and analyzed.

The only option left to them was one Sharon would never have considered two days ago. It wasn't as if she had never entertained the idea of a more intimate relationship with Andy, but it had always been more of a faint, fanciful dream than any serious thought. He was an attractive man, who knew how to dress, was intelligent, reasonably cultured and had a quirky sense of humour. In addition to that he was also loyal to a fault, reliable and he tried his best to be honest, even if he didn't always manage. At least he had the decency to feel bad about it. It wasn't that he set out to lie. He just sometimes found himself in trouble and didn't always see the most straightforward way out of it.

He wasn't perfect, but neither was she. At her age one did not look for perfection in a partner. It was about seeing someone with all their flaws and taking them the way they came, warts and all. She would just have to figure out if that was something she was interested in at this stage in her life.

Sitting around on the sofa while pondering possibly life-altering questions like that made Sharon fidgety, so she decided to put her excessive energy into baking. It always helped to calm and focus her mind and she had a sudden craving for macaroons.

While she meticulously prepared her kitchen for the task ahead, she let her mind drift back to the matter at hand. Did she want to change her relationship status? She was happy with her life. She had a great job, her messed up marriage was sorted out and finally behind her, her kids led happy and successful lives and Rusty was finally settling down. He was officially part of her family, happy with his job and making new friends. He had come to terms with his sexual identity and was finally starting to get over the crazy idea that he owed her money or some other form of compensation. She had everything she needed and a lot more than she had thought she would ever have twenty years ago. No, she didn't need a man in her life, but that wasn't really the question.

As tray after tray of colourful macaroons took shape in front of her, Sharon continued to move ideas around in her head. When the results of her busy work were set aside to cool down and her kitchen returned to its usual immaculate state, she wasn't much closer to a solution of her problem. The fact was that it wasn't a decision she could make on her own, no matter how long she thought about it.

Checking the time, Sharon weighed the certainty of another sleepless night against the possibility of waking Andy at midnight and decided that she didn't want to wait till morning.

When he answered the phone, Andy sounded alert, if cautious and once again Sharon regretted making him wait for their talk.

"I know it's late, but can we talk?"

He only hesitated for a second before he answered, telling her that he'd pick her up in half an hour.

Sharon gave herself a quick onceover in the mirror and decided that her tight, black jeans would do. She threw over a long, cream coloured pullover, brushed her hair out and put on some very basic makeup.

When her doorbell rang, Sharon had just sent off a text message to let Rusty know she would probably still be out when he came home. She didn't dare think about what he'd make of that information, but at that moment, it was the least of her worries. Grabbing the container of macaroons she had packed earlier, Sharon opened the door to greet Andy.

He looked miserable and nervous, his hands hidden in the depths of his pockets. Sharon stepped right up to him, placed her free hand on his chest and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before she turned around to lock her door.

Her casual but warm greeting seemed to take care of most of his anxiety, his curious gaze landing on the container in her hand. She shrugged and gave him a half smile as she answered his wordless question.

"I bake when I'm upset."

That statement produced a hesitant smile on his face. She could see that he was still nervous, but she had made him curious. She had occasionally brought cake or cookies to work for them to eat after lunch and knew how much he loved sweet things.

"Can I taste one? You know, just to check if they turned out okay."

Humming quietly, her eyes narrowing at his audacity, she shook her head, keeping the amusement out of her voice.

"Not yet. First we talk and then I'll decide if you get a treat."

He pouted at her, trying and almost succeeding to make her laugh.

Andy didn't tell her where he was taking her, but she had a suspicion as he merged onto the 101 and it became certainty a few minutes later. A small smile tugged at her lips at the thought of looking over LA from Mulholland Drive at night. It was the perfect spot for their conversation. At this time of night, they were likely to be alone up there, so no one would disturb them and running wasn't an option.

As she had expected, the parking lot at the Hollywood Bowl Overlook was deserted. They left the car and walk the few steps to a bench where they settled and watched the brightly lit city beneath them in silence. The recent rain had reduced the usual smog cloud considerably and the view was breathtaking.

With every passing minute Andy became more and more nervous, his hands playing with a stone he had picked up from the ground at their feet. Taking a deep breath, Sharon tried to decide how to start, when Andy beat her to it.

"Okay, let me have it."

His tone was resigned and he looked like someone standing in front of a firing squad. She almost laughed, but it wouldn't be fair to make fun of his misery. Besides, despite all her earlier musings about the nature of their relationship, Sharon was still disappointed and a little angry that he had lied to her. She turned towards him and put a gentle hand on his arm, the physical connection making it easier for her to speak.

"Andy, I'm not going to yell at you. I would be lying if I said that I'm not a little… displeased at what happened, but we'll sort it out, okay? Now, start at the beginning and tell me what happened. All of it. I want to understand."

He sighed, looking away from her as he put his words in order.

"It kinda started after the wedding. At first I didn't really notice what they thought went on between us. I guess I talked about you a few times during family counseling. Nicole always looked so happy when I did, so maybe I started doing it a little more. Then Amanda caught on to it and, well, you know what she's like. She said something and I reacted, we had words and at some point I may have said something that confirmed their suspicion that we're more than friends."

Shrugging helplessly, Andy gave her a look that begged her to understand. She did. It was pretty much what she had thought had happened. Sharon nodded at him, prodding him on.

"The next time I tried to back out of it discreetly, but they wouldn't let me. Nicole was so happy with the idea of her old man dating someone like you and Amanda wouldn't leave it alone for a minute, so I put it off. Whenever you came up in my talks with Nicole I thought I should tell her the truth, but I couldn't. I never wanted to lie to her, but the entire thing spun out of control so fast and then I didn't know how to set things right without damaging her trust in me. So yeah, I'm a coward. The eternal fuck-up."

Sharon hated to see Andy beat himself up like that, to see this insecurity in a man who usually was so self-confident, even a little cocky sometimes. Squeezing his arm slightly to get him to look at her, she spoke in a firm voice, trying hard to make him see how serious she was.

"You're not a fuck-up and you're not a coward. Yes, you sometimes act without thinking things through completely and it gets you in trouble, but you're not alone in that. You don't set out to lie or to disappoint the people in your life. What you do always comes from a good place, even if the results aren't always ideal. You're a long way from that angry drunk who messed things up with his family. I knew you back then and I know you now. You have changed so much and Nicole is starting to see that. Amanda probably never will, but that doesn't matter. Just be yourself, Andy. That's more than enough for Nicole – and for me."

He stared at her as he visibly let go of his tension with a long sigh. His shoulders slumped in relief and a small smile tugged at his lips.

"So, you're not mad at me for lying to you?"

Pressing her lips together to keep a straight face, she considered him through narrowed eyes.

"No, I'm not mad at you. I'm just sad that you didn't come to me with this. We're friends, Andy. Whatever else might be going on, we're friends and as your friend I need you to trust me with things like that. I don't like to be kept in the dark about anything. I hate that at work, but I really can't deal with it in my personal life. I think I told you enough about my marriage for you to know I have issues with secrecy and lies. If there's any chance of us moving forward together, I need you to be honest with me. I don't care what you did; just tell me. We can discuss everything, fight it out if we have to, but don't keep secrets from me again."

There was a knot at the back of her throat and pressure behind her eyes. She swallowed hard and looked down, studying her hand on the soft leather of his jacket.

A gentle touch under her chin made her raise her eyes to his reluctantly. There was regret in his gaze, but also something else, something dark. It scared her, while at the same time causing a shiver of excitement to run down her spine.

"I promise."

He studied her some more before he went on, his voice even deeper than usual.

"Is that something you'd want?"

For a short moment, Sharon considered playing dumb, but they both knew that this was another discussion they needed to have. Did she want to move forward in their relationship? She had tried to answer that question for the last two days without success, but right at that moment, alone with him in the dark and with the sounds and lights of the city far away, she knew. Suddenly, she saw very clearly what she wanted.

"Yes, it is."

They stared at each other, his thumb absentmindedly caressing her bottom lip. She drew a shuddering breath, letting her eyes flick from his heated gaze to his mouth and back. It was a mystery to her how she had gone from being completely oblivious to the depth of her feelings for this man to the burning need to feel his lips on hers.

Andy very slowly moved closer, giving her every chance to stop him. When his lips hovered over hers, his warm breath feathering over her skin, Sharon whimpered in frustration and closed the final gap.

It was a sweet kiss, a soft caress of lips, lingering and gentle, yet full of promise. When they pulled apart, foreheads resting against each other, they both smiled.

After a while they sat back again, his arm around her back, her head resting against his shoulder. She let her hand slide inside his open jacket, enjoying the feel of his chest through the thin t-shirt he wore underneath, his warmth seeping into her chilled hand.

"It is not going to be easy."

Sharon's voice was quiet, almost completely muffled against his chest. His reply was full of humour, his smile reflected in his tone.

"Nothing worth having is easy."

Rolling her eyes, Sharon slapped his chest slightly, making him grunt.

"This is no joking matter, Andy. Can you be serious for a moment, please?"

Andy hugged her closer to him and trapped her hand in his, effectively preventing her from hitting him again.

"I am serious, Sharon. Yes, it's going to be damned difficult. We'll have to work hard to keep it out of the office. We're both stubborn and opinionated, we like to get things our way and we have both been alone for a very long time. It's gonna take time for us to get used to taking someone else, who's not one of our kids, into consideration. We'll most definitely annoy the hell out of each other and we'll fight. Then we'll make up again. It's gonna be hard work, but it's gonna be worth it. You mean a lot to me and I will fight very hard to make this work, if you're on board."

Sharon thought about his words for a moment. Even though he had given voice to many possible pitfalls, she felt a lot better knowing that he saw the reality of their situation and still thought they had a chance.

"Okay, let's take it slow then. Maybe we can start with going on a real date and see where things go from there?"

He pressed his lips against the top of her head, nuzzling her hair, before he replied with happiness in his voice.

"You know, if we believe our kids, we've been dating for quite a while."

Sharon snorted. It was a conversation she still needed to have with Rusty. She wouldn't be too hard on him for embarrassing her like that, because he did have a point, but she wouldn't just let it slide, either.

"I suppose you're right. The thing is, though, it's been a while for me. I haven't been seriously dating anyone in … well, let's not get into that. It's been some time. I may need a while to get used to the idea of truly opening myself to another person again. I don't want us to waste any more time, but I'm not entirely comfortable with all this, yet. It caught me a bit by surprise, as you may have noticed."

They both laughed at that, remembering her shocked expression when Rusty had put all the incriminating facts on the table.

"Yeah, I noticed. We have time, though. As long as we get to spend it together it's not wasted. We both have to be sure we want this enough to put up with the problems it's gonna cause. I love spending time with you, Sharon. Whatever we end up deciding, I don't want to lose you as a friend. If friendship is everything you're willing to go for in the end, I'm fine with that. In many ways our friendship is more intimate than most of the relationships I've been in over the years. I think it's a good place to start exploring where this might go and a solid foundation we can fall back on if things don't go the way we want them to."

Humming her agreement, Sharon turned the hand that was still covered by his and resting against his chest and laced her fingers through his. They sat like that for a long time, conversation flowing easily, interrupted by moments of comfortable silence and the occasional sweet kiss. When Andy remembered the container that sat next to her on the bench, they fed each other macaroons until they couldn't take any more of their sweetness.

After a while, Andy offered to take her home, but she didn't want to go, enjoying this time with him. Out here in the dark there was no need for them to pretend. They could be just Sharon and Andy, without wondering how their interactions looked to others or what people would assume their relationship was. She wasn't ready to let go of that yet.

Neither one of them paid any attention to the time, so the breaking dawn caught both of them by surprise. It reminded them of the sunset they watched together a few months ago and Sharon wondered where they would be now if she had actually been aware of her feelings back then. On the other hand, at that time she had been in the middle of an unpleasant divorce, her mind not really in the right place to start anything new.

As if he could read her mind, Andy planted a gentle kiss on her temple and spoke, the deep rumble of his voice going through her entire body.

"After the Dodgers game, when we sat and talked and watched the sunset… That was the first time I realised that what I felt for you wasn't just friendship anymore. That night, I wanted to kiss you so badly."

Sharon pushed away from him enough to look into his eyes, the desire she saw shining in them making her shiver in anticipation, as she leaned into him until their lips almost touched.

"You can kiss me now."

He didn't need to be told twice. They started out with a gentle brushing of lips, short, almost chaste kisses. When Sharon slipped one hand behind his head and pulled him closer, opening her mouth in invitation, he sneaked his tongue out to caress her gently. Both moaned into the kiss as their tongues finally collided, tangling lazily until they had to pull apart to catch their breaths.

Smiling happily at each other, they turned to lean back against the bench again, enjoying the changing light as the new day began.

Once the sun had risen over the horizon and the city below was once again bathed in its soft light, they finally gave in to the pull of their respective beds and got up to leave their quiet haven. It wouldn't be quiet for long, anyway, as tourists would start to appear soon.

Their hands clasped, they strolled over to his car, both reluctant to part ways despite being tired. When they reached the passenger side door, Sharon turned towards him and, sliding her arms around his neck, pulled him down for another kiss. It was meant to be just another brief, tender touch, but they got carried away almost immediately. Andy slowly backed her into the car until her butt rested against the fender and started to explore her mouth in earnest.

Sharon buried her hands in his hair, her nails scratching against his scalp as their tongues brushed, sliding over lips and teeth, learning the taste and feel of the other. Andy's hands wandered down her back and up her sides, his thumbs passing over the sides of her breasts, only narrowly missing her nipples as they slid down again. Sharon moaned into his mouth as he lifted her onto the hood, then placed both hands on her knees to part them, stepping into the space between.

She loved the feel of his touch as it burned through the fabric of her pants, trailing a fiery path up her legs and over her hips to cup her ass. Hooking one leg around him, Sharon drew him closer, liquid heat travelling through her veins as she felt the evidence of his desire pressed against her hot centre.

She couldn't remember when she had last felt desire like that. Her entire body quivered with it, every flick of his tongue, every touch of his hands, the solidness of his body pressed against hers stoking the fire that burned inside her, flames licking along long forgotten paths, awakening feeling she had given up on a long time ago. Once unleashed, her passion wouldn't be reigned in again.

So far, Sharon had been able to keep thoughts of intimate encounters with Andy few and far between and if she indulged, it was never a very detailed and elaborate fantasy. The most recurrent scenario had started the first time she had noticed his switch from belt to suspenders. That day, she'd had a hard time not thinking about how she would like to grab them and pull him against her.

For lack of a better option, she took hold of his jacket and held him in place when he wanted to pull away. With a grunt he deepened the kiss again, slowly working his hands under her shirt until they encountered the bare skin of her back, making Sharon shiver in pleasure. Inspired by his boldness, she tugged his t-shirt out of his jeans, letting her own hands explore his hot skin.

When he ground against her, his hard length hitting just the right spot to make her moan loudly, Sharon threw her head back, baring her sensitive neck to his questing lips, shuddering in delight as his teeth scraped over her pulse point. His tongue soothed the spot, moving on to flick against that sensitive area right behind her ear. She thought she might go out of her mind with desire, rubbing shamelessly against him until both of them were ready to burst.

Andy pulled the neckline of her pullover as far down as it would go, letting his lips caress every inch of exposed skin. His other hand moved up under her shirt, gently cupping her breast, flicking a thumb over the lace-clad nipple, making her whimper helplessly at the spark that shot right to her core. The need to feel him against her, skin on skin, to feel him move inside her was overwhelming. She was beyond rational thought, her entire being filled with only one goal – to be as close to this man as humanly possible.

Trembling hands fumbled with his belt, opening the buttons of his jeans until she could reach inside and touch him through his briefs. He was impossibly hard, the solid form making her mouth water. She had the sudden urge to taste him, the vision of kneeling in front of him, having him buried balls deep in her mouth made her dizzy with want.

Andy bit her neck hard, his teeth sinking into the sensitive skin, almost breaking it. It made her hiss in a combination of pain and pleasure. His hands had just gotten to work on opening her pants when the sound of an approaching car burst their bubble of heady desire. They almost jumped out of their skins, taking only a few seconds to catch their breaths, their hearts pounding wildly, before they started to make each other presentable once more. Sharon buttoned up his pants and closed the belt again, not even trying to suppress her giggle.

"Oh God, Andy."

She was still out of breath, her head leaning against his chest as he stepped back, giving her enough room to stand. They pretty much held each other up, still fighting for breath between being almost out of their minds with desire and laughing at the ridiculous situation.

"I thought you wanted to take it slow. What happened to that, huh?"

Andy's face was buried in her hair, his words and laughter brushing over her neck on puffs of warm air. The sensation made her shiver and draw him closer.

"I think slow left on the same train as common sense and propriety. I can't believe what we just did. Can you imagine what would've happened if someone had caught us?"

That thought made Andy burst out laughing, his entire body shaking with it. After several minutes, he was calm enough to reply, his voice still trembling.

"Yeah, that would've been something. Captain Rulebook being arrested for public indecency. I bet that would've made it around the entire building before the first coffee break. Provenza would have a field day with that. Right after chewing me out for being an idiot."

Sharon snorted. The thought both amused and horrified her. She would never live that down and she would make sure that Andy didn't forget about it, either. He was the one who got her into this, after all. At least that was her story. Luckily for both of them, they hadn't been caught. The residual desire made her wonder if it might have been worth it, though.

"Glad you find this so amusing, Lieutenant."

She tried to glare at him, but his eyes sparkled with humour and it made her smile at him instead. Warmth spread through her, making her stomach flutter with something more than lust. The unexpected depth of her feelings for the man in front of her took her completely by surprise. She had come to terms with the fact that she felt more for him than friendship, but up until that moment she hadn't been ready to give a name to it.

As she stared into his warm, brown eyes, so full of happiness and affection and something else, Sharon realised that she was well past falling in love with him. When that had happened, she didn't know, but there she was, after too many years to count spent alone, she had found Andy. He was her best friend, the person she went to when she was troubled or sad, when she needed someone to help her make sense of a case or when she just wanted to share something that made her happy. At some point over the last year, he had become the first person she thought about when she heard a funny story or when Rusty did something special. It had been Andy who she had called when Emily had landed that solo part she had always wanted to have. And all the while, Sharon hadn't seen the obvious. She loved Andy.

Caressing his cheek with the tips of her fingers, she gave him a soft smile. She was not ready to voice her feelings, but they were there and he might just as well see them reflected in her eyes.

"Take me home, Andy."

His eyes opened in fake shock and she noticed how he fought to keep the grin off his face, letting his eyes drift along her figure in an incredibly obvious way before meeting her gaze again.

"Your place or mine?"

Pushing him away from her, Sharon moved to open the door, giving him a saucy look over her shoulder before she climbed into the car.

"Dream on, Lieutenant. You'll have to take me out on a proper date first and you better think of something fast. I'm not a very patient person."

The look on his face was priceless and Sharon could already see the wheels turn inside his head. Oh yes, whatever problems this relationship would bring with it, she was certain that it would be more than worth it.