A/N: Just a little tag to 7.03. A few spoilers for Season 7. This is a little more of a depressing angle to the episode than others I've read but I guess that's my mood at the moment but it ends on a hopeful note if that helps any!
Beirut Reflections
Jane looked at Lisbon asleep on the plane beside him. He was glad they'd be back in the States soon. Beirut had been a difficult assignment. Seeing Erica Flynn again had unnerved him. She was a beautiful and intriguing woman and a match to his intellect. But it wasn't these attributes that had unnerved him. It was the memory she stirred up in him. The first woman he kissed since his wife died. He had told Lisbon he hadn't thought about it. The truth was he had thought about it many times. Not in recent history and certainly not since he and Lisbon had moved their relationship into a new phase but before then. He was ashamed to admit he had, on occasion, as he lay in the attic room of the CBI, unloved and untouched by anyone through his own choice, fantasised what it would have been like to have stayed with her that night and given in to his base desires, fuelled on by his loneliness and absence of a woman's touch. It didn't matter that she was a murderer. In fact, it helped, allowing him to believe that only a woman such as that would be someone he could allow himself to become caught up with. A woman who, if Red John decided to take away, would mean less of a loss to the world.
At that time he didn't allow himself to think of Lisbon in that way although she sometimes made her way into his dreams even back then and he would have to control them to remove her presence or alter her into a new entity. He knew that having those thoughts about her would only lead to one thing. Falling in love with her. He smiled as he looked over at her. He had been correct. So much for biofeedback.
Lisbon was pleased that Erica would have to serve out her sentence. As was he if he thought that would be the case. But he imagined she would broker some deal with the CIA in time. He was sure she had come across more criminals than Nemic whilst on the run. She could be a wonderful asset to them if she could be trained and handled well enough. A modern day Mata Hari in the making. The fact he had fallen victim to her spell only strengthened his viewpoint.
He told himself for the fiftieth time that he should have told Lisbon about the kiss. He knew as soon as he left the two of them in the hotel room together Erica would find a way to bring it up to unsettle her. Even if Erica had no ploy to win him over she would use any advantage to rattle Lisbon. After all, she had been the only person to see through her.
He thought back to their dinner when Lisbon brought the kiss up. Just when he thought the subject had been dropped after he had apologised Lorelei had been the next name on Lisbon's lips.
She asked if something had happened between them. She already knew it did in Vegas so he assumed she was asking about when he broke her out of prison and was alone with her then. He could have told her the truth, that he had only slept with her one time in Vegas but instead he had deflected her by mentioning Mashburn. She had surprised him by letting the subject drop. Mashburn was a far different story to Lorelei. He was a charming rogue, a playboy but who genuinely cared for Lisbon. A far cry away from the mistress of his nemesis he had got himself entangled with. A far greater betrayal of the trust he and Lisbon shared at the time.
It was a strange sensation having Lisbon as a girlfriend. She had practically never shouted at him since the day they'd gotten together. A few slight admonishments but not the full-on rage that he had been subjected to when they merely worked together. Maybe it was because he had been behaving better too but in the back of his mind he knew there was more to it than that. He sighed and tucked a loose hair back behind her ear that had strayed onto her face blown from the air above her. She wiggled her nose but settled back to sleep with a sigh of her own.
Since they began the relationship a few weeks back they had been honest with each about their feelings and their love for each other. They were happy to show it in words or gestures when they were alone. But that didn't mean a lot of things were still being left unsaid. They were still dipping their toes into this relationship, still fearful of the other's reaction if they said or did the wrong thing.
Lisbon especially seemed to be treating him like a frightened animal, more obvious to him now after the Lorelei incident. Was she afraid of him bolting if she asked for too much? If she was truly truthful to him? Had he fallen into a new routine now with her that now included sex and dinner dates? Merely a continuation of their long-term relationship but with no particular end goal in mind. He was truthful when he told her he didn't have a plan. She had hidden her disappointment well and he had let her believe that she had fooled him. He knew she didn't want a life planned out for her like Pike had but she wanted something more from him than what he'd said. He could have said he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life which was the truth. But, like he had done over the years, he left it unsaid, as he had with Erica's kiss, as he had with the truth about Lorelei. If they kept going the way they were then perhaps Erica had been correct that they wouldn't last as a couple. They were in a Catch 22 situation as he saw it. He gave little away until he was pushed into a corner to do so and Lisbon was now afraid of pushing him into that corner.
He looked down at the wedding band that still graced his finger. Another topic that hadn't been discussed. The only indication that it bothered her was when they were making love one night the previous week and Jane had grasped the metal bars of the headboard in front of him. Even in the depths of passion, he felt her tense slightly as the metallic sound pinged in the bedroom.
He looked at the lights of Austin that approached him and woke his sleeping companion. Her green eyes flickered and lit up when she saw him as she stretched and yawned, peering out the window.
He wasn't quite ready to take the ring off yet but she had mentioned she liked him wearing a vest when he had come to see her in prison. It was a small start but he could at least clean himself up a bit for her. It had been practically the first thing she'd asked him to do when she first met him so knew it would make her happy. Maybe he could use it as kind of restart.
He was also going to ask her to make their relationship more public as soon as they got back although he knew that Abbott and Cho certainly already knew, if not more people than that. It was time he stopped being so passive. He smiled inwardly. If nothing else it might make her angry if he refused to back down on the subject. It had been a while since he had enjoyed a Lisbon glare and was rather looking forward to it.