ARCADIA
by
SANDEFUR
Disclaimer: This is fanfiction just for fun. I have no claims.
8-3-07/predawn Friday.
God calls on Grace. Although her body remains restfully asleep, the essence of Grace's soul rises in a form known as astral projection. Grace has had this ability since awaking from a coma last year. During that coma God briefly borrowed Grace's physical form with her permission, and as a reward, Grace can now astral travel while asleep. After the birth of her daughter Annie, Grace prayed for a break from the missions God sends her on to witness various events while Grace adjusted to motherhood. Now, for the first time in months, Grace feels that 'tug' of God's calling. She will travel where God wills, and witness whatever God wants her to see. Grace considers this ability a wondrous divine gift and serves willingly.
Grace's ghost-like form pauses for a moment so she can confirm that her husband Luke and 11 month old daughter are well. She then rises up through the Girardi house to a great height and proceeds southeast at an astonishing speed. There is no physical sensation since Grace's body is safely asleep in her bed. Grace merely observes her travel and notes as she leaves Maryland the lights of Washington D. C. off to her left. Still travelling, Grace goes over Virginia and begins to slow somewhere over North Carolina—she thinks. It is hard to determine landmarks travelling so high and fast just before dawn.
Grace begins to descend over a small town near an interstate highway. On the very edge of the town is a grouping of small businesses geared to serve highway travellers: a gas station, two fast food restaurants, a country store, a liquor store and an old motel that is not part of a national chain. Grace begins to slowly drift along the row of motel rooms until she comes to the very last. Grace passes through the door…
The room is an ordinary, inexpensive one that is fairly clean but has seen better days. With a frown of disapproval, Grace realizes the situation she is observing. On the floor are two empty wine bottles of the screwtop variety which are the type that have extra alcohol added. Sold primarily to alcoholics, it is known as the bum's cheap drunk. A third nearly empty bottle is on the nightstand, and Grace's suspicions are confirmed by a full bottle all the way across the room on the window sill. They don't always manage it, but dedicated boozers try to leave a bottle untouched so they can start the day 'right'.
Grace wonders why God is showing her this—some pathetic drunk on a bender? On the bed, completely covered by a sheet, the drunk snorts and snores loudly. Grace knows that sort of snore—she heard it from her mother for years before she sobered up. Oh God, is that what this is about? A warning that her mother is about to start drinking again? Grace hears a noise from under the sheet—no doubt the drunk waking up with a hell of a hangover.
Groaning with pain, the drunk peeks out from under the sheet, blinking frequently due to blurry vision… Oh no, it's…Joan! Grace gasps, but then breathes a sigh of relief. Despite the shock of seeing Joan like this, Grace is glad to know Joan is alive. About three weeks ago, the Girardi household was rocked by the news that a vacationing Joan was suddenly engaged to a Miami cop named Jimmy Tubbs. While still reeling from that news, there came the report that Officer Tubbs had been killed in the line of duty. Jimmy's partner, watch commander and pastor informed Joan of the tragedy, and of course she took it very badly. After calming down, Joan thanked the three men for their compassion and assured them she would be contacting her grandparents right away for their support in this difficult time. The men left a sad but seemingly calm Joan. That was the last anyone had seen or heard of Joan Girardi in two weeks.
With shaky hands, Joan reaches for the almost empty bottle of wine on the nightstand. One swallow makes Joan violently ill, and she vomits into a plastic bucket kept by the bed for just that purpose. Very little comes out of Joan, and that is tinged with blood. Joan waits a moment for her stomach to settle and then takes the last swallow of liquor. Joan pauses again, but this time it stays down. Moaning in misery, Joan kicks off the sheet. Grace is surprised to see her sister-in-law naked, but she is far more surprised to see Joan's condition. Joan's hair is like a rat's nest, her skin is blotchy, she is bloated and there are flecks of dried vomit on her breasts.
Very unsteadily, Joan leaves the bed and stands - swaying slightly. She manages two steps before she falls back, landing hard on her butt… "Ow."
Joan begins crawling on her hands and knees toward the door while muttering something under her breath. Grace wants to cry at this pathetic sight, but apparently can't in her current form. Joan reaches the door and slowly raises herself up by the doorknob. Grace realizes Joan is about to open the door and automatically tries to shout: 'Joan, stop! You're naked!' but of course, there is no sound. Joan opens the door wide. The sun is just rising, but fortunately, no one is in view. Joan looks upward…
"Why? Why are you here again? How many times do I have to tell you: LEAVE-ME-ALONE!"
As Joan grabs her head from the pain of shouting, Grace stares horrified. Oh, this is bad. Joan's mental health has always been a little iffy, but when she starts having conversations with imaginary people…
"Don't pretend you care. Go away!" Joan continues. Then, after a pause, she adds, "Whoa…gross."
Joan closes the door and unsteadily starts her way across the room on a direct path to the unopened bottle of wine on the window sill. Grace stays on the opposite side of the room wishing she did not have to witness this, but God has not yet called her away. Before reaching the bottle, Joan glances at the mirror and hesitates…
"Well? What do you want this time? Join the cheerleaders? Take piano lessons? Mock trial? Yeah, 'mock'. We are done!"
Grace groans in anguish. This is torture, having to witness this without being able to help. From the angle where Grace is standing, she can not see the mirror, but it seems Joan has decided to argue with her own reflection…
"Make me." Joan defiantly states.
Suddenly, Joan drops to her knees in front of the mirror. Trembling, she glares at her own reflection…
"No, not even you can be this cruel. Haven't I suffered enough? Must you remind me of what I've lost?" There is a brief pause and Joan asks with a tearful voice, "Jimmy? No, this can't be real…"
Grace sighs, realizing the extent of Joan's madness. She believes she is speaking to her lost love…
"Give him back. You-owe-me!"
A pause. "Why not?"
Pause. "Jimmy…you said you loved me."
Pause. "I miss you so much. How can I go on without you?"
Another pause (you could swear this was an actual conversation). "He did win. He said he would cause me misery, and he did. He took you from me. Now, I'm alone and dying inside. For once, he told the truth."
A long pause and then Joan nods. "Yes, forever and ever—connected but apart."
After one more long pause, Joan reaches out to touch the mirror and then begins to cry. She stands and takes the last bottle of wine into her arms and clutches it closely to her. Joan steps into the bathroom and Grace follows her. Joan pours the contents of the bottle down the sink and drops the empty into the wastebasket. She starts the shower. Grace realizes what this means. Joan has reached rock bottom and has chosen to claw her way back. Grace feels the 'tug' and she is on her way back to Arcadia.
X X X X X
8-5-07/Sunday morning.
In the Girardi living room Grace plays with Annie, helping her stack small, colorful plastic blocks. Nearby, the latest Girardi (Eleanor) sleeps in a crib. As usual, this baby's sleep is fitful—seemingly filled with endless bad dreams. Annie, with Grace's help, has built a small wall of the plastic blocks. When the last one is in place, Grace's daughter pushes them over and laughs, clapping her hands. Grace grins.
"Yeah, that's my favorite part too."
As Annie begins rebuilding the wall, Grace's mind wanders back over the last two days. Knowing Joan is alive is wonderful, but being unable to share that with anyone has been hell. Only Grace's ex-shrink Dr. John Hunter knows the secret of her ability to astral travel. As much as she loves Luke and her in-laws, Grace can't imagine them ever believing her if she tried to reveal her secret. Grace is well aware of how the Girardis reacted to Joan's weirdness—once actually trying to have her committed. Grace is not willing to risk the same fate as Joan…
Joan. Other than stating that she had a 'feeling' that they would soon hear from Joan, Grace could say no more. Friday passed without a phone call, as did Saturday. Grace tried to find that motel on her own in a time of astral travel, but had no luck. Grace worries that she was wrong about Joan's decision to return to them…
A sound at the front door—Grace turns and sees a weak looking Joan entering, followed by a cab driver with her luggage. Grace runs to the foyer and throws her arms around her best friend. The two sisters-in-law share a long, supportive hug. As they part, Grace does her best to hide her dismay at Joan's pitiful condition. Recovering from alcohol poisioning is more complicated than just sobering up. Joan hands the cab driver a tip and Grace escorts him to the door. He pauses and whispers…
"Watch her. She's in a bad way."
Grace nods her agreement as she closes the door. She turns and sees Annie crawling at high speed up the ramp to the foyer level. Annie coos her joy at the sight of her aunt. Joan smiles for the first time since Jimmy's death. She bends down to receive her niece, becomes dizzy and topples over.
"Joan!" Grace cries as she rushes to her friend.
Annie, seeing this scene, doesn't hesitate to keep crawling toward Joan. She and Grace arrive at the same time. Annie reaches out and touches Joan's face. Joan opens her eyes and smiles again…
"Hi Annie, I didn't fall on you, did I?"
Annie, with a very sad look on her face, pats Joan's hand.
"Aww, you remember me."
Grace kneels beside Joan. "Are you okay?"
"Hey Grace, I fell down."
"I saw."
"I didn't fall on Annie, did I?" Joan asks, looking alarmed.
"No, Annie is fine. I'm going to put her in her playpen. You stay here, okay?"
"Okey-dokey."
Grace picks up Annie and takes her to the playpen in the middle of the living room. As Grace lowers Annie inside, Annie looks back to Joan and then to her mama with concern on her surprisingly intelligent face. Grace nods and whispers…
"I know. I'll take care of her."
Grace does a quick check on Eleanor and returns to the foyer to find Joan has climbed onto the rail chair. Joan looks to Grace and gives a sheepish smile.
"I got a little woozy there."
"Yes, you did. Joan, are you sober?"
"I think so."
"When was your last drink?"
"Um...two days ago."
Grace does a quick calculation, and considering the vast amount of liquor Joan consumed, she should be about 80 percent sober by now. Her body is naturally shaky from the alcohol withdrawal, but Joan should be more coherent than this.
"Joan, when was the last time you ate?"
Joan furrows her brow, thinking. "I had a Sprite at a reststop on the bus ride home. I like Sprite."
"I know. I meant an actual meal. Have you had anything to eat since you stopped drinking?"
Again Joan furrows her brow, thinking hard. She shrugs.
"Nothing at all? Joan, have you eaten since...you heard the bad news?"
"Uh...yeah. I must have. I remember throwing up a burrito. And...oh, I had a hot dog. A real one, not a turkey dog. They're...pointless."
Joan begins to weep. Grace doesn't know why, but she is use to drying-out crying jags, usually accompanied by apologies and promises to do better. But this...if Joan really has had almost nothing to eat in...17 (?) days!
"Okay, we're going to get you up to bed, and then you are going to eat."
"Bring a bucket. I'll throw it up."
"We will risk it." Grace says as she climbs the stairs alongside the rail chair. She is glad that the wheelchair modifications to the house were never reversed.
X X X X X
Arriving home from church an hour and a half later, Helen and Luke Girardi enter the house from the back door. They see Grace just finishing breast feeding Annie. Luke comes near and kisses Grace before she hands their daughter to him. While Grace covers up, Luke takes Annie and burps her. After that, she giggles and kisses her daddy's cheek.
Helen asks, "Hey Grace, how is Eleanor doing?"
"Just fine. I fed and changed her first."
"Was she fussy?"
"No more than usual."
"And Will...?"
"He got called away by the office. Mama Girardi...Joan is home."
Helen breathes an enormous sigh of relief before murmuring, "Thank you, God."
Luke asks, "When did she get back?"
"About 15 minutes after you guys left for church."
"Why didn't you call us?"
"I kinda had my hands full."
Helen comments as she heads for the stairs, "I have to see her."
"Mama Girardi...wait. Helen!"
Helen pauses, hearing the concern in Grace's voice.
"Joan is sleeping. Besides, there are some things I need to tell you first."
"Such as?"
"Joan has been drinking."
Helen gulps hard and asks, "A lot?"
"She stopped a couple of days ago, but is still not fully sober."
"After two days?"
Grace nods. "Joan consumed so much liquor, she nearly drank herself to death. It takes a long time to get that much alcohol out of your system. And...she's malnourished. She's barely eaten since Jimmy died."
Helen sits, tears in her eyes. "All of this over...that man. We have to get some food in her."
"I already did. It was touch and go, but Joan managed to hold down a little cream of wheat with a mashed banana."
"Is that all?"
"We're lucky she kept that down. With all the drinking and vomiting she's done, she must have damaged her stomach lining."
Luke questions, "Should Joan be in a hospital?"
Grace shakes her head. "Probably not. She made it home on her own, and in another day she will be fully sober. Just to be safe, she should be checked out by a doctor tomorrow, but right now, what she needs is rest."
Helen sighs. "Thank you Grace for handling this. I'm going up to see Joan now, but I'll be sure not to wake her."
As Helen mounts the stairs, Luke whispers, "Grace, how bad is it? Really."
"Joan was worse than I ever saw my mother."
X X X X X
As the day progresses, calls and e-mails are sent out to various friends and family letting everyone know the prodigal daughter has returned. Joan is allowed to sleep as much as possible, and has a small dinner of a bowl of soup and crackers brought to her on a tray in her room. No one tries to get Joan to talk or explain her behavior - it is too soon for that. The Girardi house is a quiet but happier place that evening as Will & Helen, with Luke & Grace, settling in the living room after dinner. Baby monitors keep check on the sleeping babies upstairs. As the four Girardis softly talk among themselves, all express relief about Joan's return, but confusion about how this whole horrible mess was possible. As they have for nearly every night since they heard of the sudden engagement and then death, they wonder how Joan could have been so swept up in a summer fling that she would resort to this behavior, no matter how badly it ended...
"I want to answer that."
The foursome turn as one and see Joan, weak but determined, slowly making her way toward them. Will hurries forward and lends a grateful Joan an arm to help steady her. Joan comes to rest in a chair near the fireplace. Joan hands Will an envelope filled with photographs and asks him to pass them around. Joan is aware that her family has in the back of their minds the idea that her relationship with Jimmy was sad but...silly. A school girl crush. A brief romance gone horribly awry. But certainly nothing worth the pain and fear everyone has experienced with Joan's extraordinary, almost mad reaction of grief.
"I'm so sorry for what I've put all of you through. It was inexcusable. But I want you to understand... To grasp what Jimmy Tubbs meant to me."
Slowly, steadily for about a half hour, Joan talks of Jimmy and their time together. She glosses over the romantic fun of their dating. That would be expected in any young romance. Instead she speaks of the man. Jimmy Tubbs, a man of strength, not just physically but also in spirit and character. A man of courage and dedication. An undeniable man's man who had at the core of his being a kind and gentle soul. A loving man who was not only a wonderful lover, but someone who connected with her soul on every level. A man who loved her with every fiber of his being and whom she in turn loved with an equal intensity. Yes, their time together was all too brief, but it was the most real, loving experience any couple could have no matter how long they were together.
Joan concludes with, "I just wanted you to know."
As Joan leaves them, riding the rail chair back upstairs, they finally understand. This was no temporary moment of summer time vacation fun. It had been as real and true as anything can be. They know now that if fate had not intervened, Joan and her Jimmy would have happily spent their entire lives together. Helen and Grace begin to cry, and their husbands do their best to comfort them while they too shed silent tears.
X X X X X
Near the end of the night, Helen enters Joan's bedroom and finds her daughter looking through her collection of photographs of Jimmy. Helen sits beside the bed and hands Joan a glass of a concentrated nutritional drink. Joan sighs and accepts it, drinking slowly and carefully in case her tender stomach rebels.
Helen cautiously asks, "Are you doing okay? Do you need the bucket?"
Joan shakes her head. "No, it seems to be staying down. Mom...I'm sorry for what I put you through."
"I know Joan, and I'm sorry I didn't understand." (Helen picks up one of the photos of Jimmy.) "He sounds like an amazing guy."
"He was." Joan replies, her lip trembling.
"Joan, I...want to talk to you seriously about what happened after you heard the news about Jimmy. I need to know...did you try to kill yourself?"
Joan stares down at the photos scattered on her bed. "Harsh truth or sugar coated?"
Helen sighs. "Harsh truth."
"When Collin - Jimmy's partner - and the others told me about Jimmy's death, I lost it. That's not unexpected, I suppose. But when I started to come to grips with that horrible truth, and when I heard the details of how Jimmy died, something changed. I got really calm and focused. I knew what I had to do. I got those men out of the house as quickly as I could, and then packed my bags. I had to get away... Away from the house, away from Miami, away from anything that reminded me of Jimmy so I could stay focused. I had one task I had to complete, and then I was going to get the hell out of Florida as fast as I could."
Helen responds, "We know you turned in your rental car the next day in Jacksonville, and took the maximum cash advance you could get on the credit card Kevin gave you. After that, the trail went cold. You're an adult, so you couldn't be listed as a runaway,and there was no evidence of any crime, so no official police effort could be made. Your father personally called every police chief from here to Florida and asked as a favor that the cops watch for any sign of you."
"I figured Dad would do something like that, which was why I was paying cash for everything and even took the battery out of my cell phone. I wanted to be alone. I was so miserable, so much in pain, all I could think of was to dull that pain as much as possible. I found the most obscure hole possible, one with a nearby liquor store that didn't bother to check i. d.'s, and I started to drink - a lot. When I was drunk, completely drunk, the pain was almost gone. Every time I started to sober, I would drink again until I passed out."
"Did you know...the risk?"
"If you mean was it a deliberate plan to kill myself, then no. But, at some point I realized that was what I was doing...and I didn't care."
"Oh Joan..."
"You said not to sugar coat it."
Helen nods. "So what changed two days ago?"
"The day started just like all the rest - me passed out and my tutor knocking on the door. Normally he taps on the window, but the motel's windows are sealed. I had to crawl on my hands and knees to get there, and when I had the door open, he just stood there looking down at me...saying nothing."
"From your description of him: 25 feet tall, jet black with six wings and glowing eyes, that must have been an intimidating sight."
"It use to be. I just yelled at him to leave me alone. He still wouldn't say anything, but I could sense something from him - something new. Something I never thought he was capable of."
"What?"
"Sympathy. He actually felt sorry for me. I didn't care. I still sent him away. He walked off, unfurling his wings for flight, but then... Do you remember me saying that I've always wanted to see the inside of his wings?"
Helen nods. "To see if they matched the biblical description of there being eyes on the inside."
"Well, I guess it was a gesture on his part. He turned around, and by the light of the dawn I clearly saw the wings..."
"And...?"
"Eyes. Lots of them." (Joan shudders.) "Gross."
"Was that what changed things for you?"
"Nah, I just shut the door and headed for my last bottle of booze. But, as I passed the mirror, I saw Reflection God."
"The version that is your own mirror image talking to you?"
"Yeah, except she pulled a different stunt this time. I guess because I was naked and gross looking, she appeared just as I looked that first day at Arcadia High when I met Cute Boy God. The same clothes, the same innocent face that had no idea what kind of misery was ahead. I told God we were done."
"Joan...you didn't mean that."
"Yes, I did and I do mean it. I'm through being an 'instrument of God'."
"How did God react?"
"Ignored it like I hadn't said it. She told me it was time to stop my self-destructive behavior. I said: 'Make me'. Bad mistake when you're talking to God. Jimmy's image appeared in the mirror on God's right hand side. It shocked and angered me. I fell to my knees, accusing God of being cruel for the reminder of what I had lost. But then...I found out it wasn't just an image. Jimmy began to speak to me."
Helen shakes her head. "I can't imagine how I would react in a situation like that."
"I demanded God give Jimmy back to me."
"Joan...that's too much. You couldn't really believe God would restore Jimmy to life?"
"I did. God has the power to do that, and she owed me a favor... I'll explain that later. I really thought I could have Jimmy back, but God said no."
"Why?"
"That's what I asked. God couldn't do it because of free will. Jimmy didn't want to come back."
"But if he loves you...?"
"Again, that's what I said, and Jimmy swore he still loves me, but heaven changes your perspective. Jimmy tried to explain it, but words are inadequate to describe how wonderful heaven is. But even though it is a place of joy beyond description, Jimmy would have come back for me if there wasn't one other thing. Time. God once told me it was a human invention. In heaven, with eternity before you, our life spans here seem like a blink of the eyes. Time has virtually no meaning in heaven. From Jimmy's perspective, it made no sense for him to have to again endure the struggle of this physical life when I was going to be with him at any moment - from that eternal perspective."
"That's a little hard to grasp."
"I know, but I trust Jimmy. I can't judge what he is experiencing without being there too. Besides, Jimmy pointed out that we were still connected, and always would be."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"In that half sober moment, and for the first time since I heard the news - not feeling the agony of missing him, I could feel Jimmy's love enveloping me. It is like being in his arms and feeling the depth of his love. It's...wonderful." (Joan pauses to wipe away a few tears.) "Now, whenever I calm myself and let life stop distracting me, I feel Jimmy with me, fully with me. I know it's not the same as being able to physically touch him, but in some ways I'm closer to Jimmy than ever before."
"Joan, that's amazing. That's why you were able to come back to us?"
"It was the start. Jimmy told me the devil has been bragging in the spirit world how he beat me. How an instrument of God had been reduced to a pool of tears, pain and misery. That he won. Jimmy encouraged me to get back on my feet to show the devil he hadn't won. But he did win. I cherish my connection to Jimmy, and I will always remember our time together with love and happiness, but the fact is the devil took that from me. I can't deny his victory."
"I'm not sure I agree with that."
"Yeah, I know that in the long run the devil loses in the end, but that doesn't put Jimmy back into my arms. That doesn't give me a chance to have a lifetime with the man I love, or have a chance to bear his children. But in the end I came back for Jimmy's sake. Because we are so connected, Jimmy was experiencing the misery I was putting myself through. I was causing him pain, and I knew you guys were hurting too, so I had to come back. I knew for the sake of my family and for Jimmy, I had to at least go through the motions of trying to live what's left of my life."
Helen hugs Joan, wishing she could take all of this pain away. "At least you are back, and starting to heal. I know it will take a long time, but someday you won't just be 'going through the motions'. You will live, and yes, even enjoy your life."
Joan nods. "I hope you're right, but right now, it doesn't seem possible. But I promise, I'll try and I promise, no more self-destruction."
They hug again, and Helen heads for the door. Just as she touches the doorknob, a thought occurs to her...
"A task. You said before you left Miami, you had a task to complete. What was it?"
"I went to the scene where Jimmy was killed. It was in front of a coffee shop where cops often came because they offer half priced drinks to police in uniform. It was hours after the crime, night time, and everyone was gone. I stood right where Jimmy died, and I could sense his last thought was of me..." (Joan's voice trembles.) "Then I went to stand where the sniper was that shot Jimmy. I got the 'scent' of his particular brand of evil, and I tracked him down. I caught up with him at his own house just before dawn the next day."
Helen frowns. "I didn't hear anything about Jimmy's murderer being caught."
Joan looks away, her face cold and hard. A feeling of dread comes over Helen.
"Joan...?"
"I wasn't there to capture him. I came to kill him."
To Be Continued. Please review.