Harry Potter and the Unearthing of Insanity

"Harry, C'mon! We're gonna be late for class!" Said loyal friend Hermione. "I know Hermione! Jesus Christ! Why doesn't anybody understand me?!?!?! My secret lover Dumbledore has been terminated, Sirius perished behind the drape of eternal doom, and my fucking parents were murdered by a psychopathic Looney whom I have more in common with then I thought!"

"Is Harry PMSing again?" Ron spoke now.

"Guess so."

"I have an idea!"

"What?"

"Let's go on a life-threatening adventure to annihilate Voldemort's existence"

"Yay! Hey Harry!"

Harry looked up from his bleeding wrist. "What do you insignificant mortals want with my life?" Hermione took the knife from his hand and tossed it behind her shoulder. Unfortunately, it impaled Neville. " Sorry there Neville! Okay, Harry we're going on a life- threatening adventure to annihilate Voldemort's existence!" Harry sighed. "Fine! I'll take part in your 'adventure'."

The three hi-jacked a few brooms, ran to the forest, and flew into the sky to look for anything that resembled a life- threatening situation. As they flew over England, they saw what looked like a cloud of dust coming from a Muggle building.

"Oh no!" Harry said. "It looks as if Voldemort and his eaters of death are tormenting innocent Muggles!"

Ron spoke. "It's Death Eaters, Harry. Death. Eaters."

"This is no concern of mine! Let's go down and stop Voldemort and his eaters of death"

face-palm

The three heroes swooped down to save the Muggles. When down there, they saw that everything was in shambles. Windows were shattered, glass and rubble lay strewn about the streets, and people were running and screaming. Through the smoke, Harry Ron and Hermione could see cloaked figures bowing down to this thing! They soon realized it was THE DARK LORD!!!!!!!!!!!! (nuh, nuh, nuhhh)

"I am ready to face you, Voldemort! I shall no longer mask my true powers with fear!! I will confront you and your eaters of death and destroy all of you just like my therapist said!"

Voldemort whipped out a smoke and lit it with his wand. "Ha, ha, ha! You can never defeat me… for I am ehh… I am…. (Lines!)"

A death eater behind him took out a manual. "It says here take out a smoke and light it with your wand"

"Yes, I did that. Then what?"

"Now laugh menacingly and say 'you can never defeat me for I am the Dark Lord, master of all wizardry.'

"Yes, very well, then." He turned back to Harry. " I am the Dark Lord! Master of all wizardry!! Now Larry, that's you're name, right?"

"It's Harry! God, the person who wants to kill me doesn't even know my name! This is why no one understands me!"

The Dark Lord and Harry drew out their wands and let the sparks fly, all of which missed. Ron, Hermione, and the Death Eaters decided to wait in the Starbucks across the street for the fight to finish. Only loyal Bellatrix Lestrange waited by her master's side.

"Now Larry, I shall finish you off! Avagra Konash!" Nothing happened. "Afacrol… Agragwa… tractor… what's the spell then?"

Bellatrix spoke. "It's Avada Kadavra, sir"

"Are you sure it isn't Avankra Krackoa?"

face-palm

Just then, Larry, no wait, Harry pulled out his wand and set Voldemort's robes on fire. Bella screamed.

"Sir, you're robes are on fire!"

"Dammit! You win this round, Larry, but I'll be back!"

Everyone walked out of Starbucks in time to see a bald, red-eyed man with his garments on fire walk down the street and disappear into the polluted Muggle sky.

To be continued whenever.