Secrets and Lies Contest Entry
Title: Tell Me Your Secrets
Summary: "Tell me your secrets," she invites, night after night. Deep, dark, wicked thoughts and shameful, painful secrets... she's heard them all. But everything changes when the secrets of one late night caller force her to re-examine her own past. He broke her heart once. Can she trust him again?
Pairing: Edward x Bella
Rating: T
Word Count: 13282
DISCLAIMER: The author does not own any publicly recognisable entries herein. No copyright infringement is intended.
o~o~o
October 20, 2017
"Good evening, Seattle! Welcome back to your favorite show, 'Tell Me Your Secrets.' This is your host, Mimi, and tonight we're discussing 'firsts.' So, we've been talking about a lot of firsts, first time you lost your virginity, first time you skinny dipped, first time you streaked! We have time for just one more call. Come on, tell me your first, it could be anything... And we have our last call of tonight! Hello, welcome to 'Tell Me Your Secrets'. What's your name and what's your secret?"
"My name is Anon and I was eight the first time my father forgot to feed me."
I felt my breath knocked out of me. Not because of his confession—I've been exposed to plenty of horror stories through this show. But this is not just any guy, and his name is not Anon. I'm in the radio business, I never forget a voice, and his has always been so dear to me.
"H-Hi Anon, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Would you like to share some more? It's just you, me and the silence of the night here. Feel free to speak about whatever you wish to."
My heart pounds as I anticipate his response. That cadence, that softness, that timbre, I could pick out his voice in a chorus.
Edward Cullen, my high school boyfriend, my first love, first heartbreak. He starts to speak, and I have to close my eyes, his voice evoking a rush of emotions I'm completely unprepared for. Anger, resentment, familiarity, comfort, confusion.
"I always knew my father wasn't like other fathers. I never got those magical hugs like a lot of my classmates. I envied them, especially when they whined about their parents buying them the wrong toy. Like, at least they bought you a toy, dufferhead. I've had to buy my own clothes from the department store since I was six. I never had toys, ever. There was never enough money left for them."
I grip the edge of the console before me and try to regulate my breathing. It's a mind-bend, reconciling the story he's telling with the memories flashing through my head. A tall guy, a shock of chaotic hair, brooding eyes, shrouded in an air of mystery. He was so hot for a high school kid. I could never take my eyes off him.
How did I never know he was suffering so much? I mean, I always knew his dad was a jerk, but I thought he was a 'never came for my games' type of jerk. Forgetting to feed their kid is a whole new level of negligence. How did I never know about this? All those years, all the time we spent together. Did I even know this guy? Fuck, maybe I never knew him. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe it wasn't him at all.
"Were you good at math?" I blurt out. Then I smack my forehead because seriously, what kind of a stupid ass question is that!
"Oh yeah, I was always good at math. Had to be, really, 'cause I'd been managing things at home since I learnt multiplication. If something needed to be done—buying groceries, paying bills, whatever—I figured out pretty quickly that it was up to me to make sure it got done. I don't know," he sighed, the sound sending an unexpected shiver down my spine. "Some days, I am really glad that he was just an absent drunk father and not the kind who'd beat me to a pulp."
Oh God, I'm going to puke. Shit, why is there no training for how to handle situations like this? Fucking corporates, they do nothing right! But I suppose even the suits couldn't have predicted that one fine day my ex would call about his drunk and negligent father. Focus, girl. Focus.
I glance at the blinking digits of the clock to my right, praying we have time to talk for a little longer.
"And your mother?" Why am I constantly asking these dumbass questions? His mum left, everyone knows that. Well, not the listeners obviously, but back in school...
"My mother hasn't contacted me since she separated from dad when I was three. There was no healthy co-parenting when it came to my parents." He huffs a laugh. "The first time I heard a classmate crying about his parents separating I was so sad for him because I didn't wish that kind of absence of a parent on anyone. When I found out that his parents still made it to all his plays and all his games, and he lived with his mum but his dad met him every weekend, I was stunned. I didn't even know what to say to him. I couldn't believe that parents stay together for their child like that. Neither of my parents stayed for me. Mom left the city and dad left reality."
It's actually a relief that time's up for today's show. This last call, his voice, the memories... it's almost too much to process, and I don't know how much longer I could have held on to my sanity before losing it on air.
"Thank you for sharing your secrets, Anon. I loved having you here and you're very brave to share such a significant part of your life with us. Would you like to request a song?"
"Ah yeah, could you play Scientist by Coldplay?"
"Sure," I say, quickly finding and queuing up the song on my console. "Any reason for that particular song?"
"It was my ex-girlfriend's favorite song. I don't know why, but talking to you made me think of her. Ah well, that's another secret for another night. It was nice talking to you, Mimi."
"Likewise, Anon. Good night." I press play and drag off my headphones, slumping back into my comfortable chair. Swallowing past the unexpected lump in my throat, I let out a broken laugh. Edward Cullen, what a blast from the past. And he still remembers my favorite song. He still remembers me.
...-...
I step into my apartment around 2 am, but for once I don't stumble straight into bed. Instead, I make a beeline for my spare bedroom. I skim the contents of the bookshelf there, but don't see what I'm looking for. I think for a moment. Where could I have kept them? I snap my fingers and dig into the recesses of my closet, emerging with a cardboard box. I untie the twine holding it shut, and pause for a moment, looking down at the five tattered notebooks it contains. Then I reach for one, flipping through.
Diary entry - May 29, 2005
The past few weeks I was numb because I couldn't believe that Edward seriously broke up with me because of a random drunk girl. And then I couldn't stop thinking about how he left me. He really didn't want to be with me. I don't even know how I wronged him so bad. And if I did then why wouldn't he let me fix it?
Diary entry - June 13, 2005
My mood swings are a mess. I'm going from despair to rage to depression to indignation, because nothing made sense. Why? How dare he? He owed me a chance to at least explain. Why was I not enough? Why is love so conditional? Why don't people tell me these fucking conditions so I can fucking fulfill them and I don't have to bloody lose everyone!
Diary entry - July 6, 2005
Rose is the only person I'm speaking to these last few days of high school. She is my anchor. She's stood by me. She told me someday someone who deserves me and who will fight for me will walk into my life. She's made me go out with her friends. She has surrounded me with people and books and things I loved. She has distracted me from going "zombella," her word not mine. The ache in my heart hasn't gone away but at least I know I have one person by my side.
It's been so long—twelve or thirteen years, I guess. I hardly remember the girl I was back then. That whole time period is kind of a blur in my memory. Why did Edward and I break up? I honestly can't say. I do remember being sad a lot. There was something to do with a party, I think. And Rose calling me Zombella... that memory, twisted though it is, beings a grin to my face. I'm itching to call Rose and tell her about tonight, but... no, what's the point? I mean, his secrets aren't mine to disclose.
...-...
EPOV
January 9, 2018
It's late, about a quarter to one, and traffic is smooth as I head home this cold winter night. Flight delays meant that I landed a good five hours later than scheduled. Not ideal, considering I have to fly out again tomorrow night. I'm shattered, and all I want right now is to collapse in bed and sleep for twelve hours straight.
The radio is on, tuned in to her show, of course. She has a great selection of music, and a fucking gorgeous voice. Sometimes, the way she speaks, the inflexion on certain words sounds so familiar... it's like she reminds me of someone or something, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
I don't know why, but her voice in my ear makes me bold. In the past three months, I've called in at least a couple of times a week. I don't rehearse or plan my calls. The minute I hear her voice, my secrets come tumbling out. Just a couple of weeks ago, she hosted an episode on 'secret places you've had sex'. Fuck if Seattle isn't full of pervs, doing it in the strangest places... but it was her voice teasing out secrets from the callers that made me hard. Uh, I mean, that made me call in with a story of my own. That night, I told her about a blind date my college pal Garrett set up for me, where the girl showed up in a trench coat and nothing else. I was in a dark movie theatre with a naked, willing, horny woman; it was pretty much the hottest blind date ever. Even hotter was the way Mimi's voice changed, becoming deeper, more seductive in her responses, as I finished my story.
I know this is her job, but... sometimes I could swear she was different with me, than with the other callers. And fuck, her voice turned me on. I know how crazy that sounds, and while I still tuned in regularly, I had made up my mind not call again. Fantasizing about a voice on the radio was just not ok. Then she shared her theme for tonight, and I can't help it, I want to call in.
I stiffen when her honey smooth voice informs the listeners that there's only time for two more calls tonight. Oh fuck! I make a snap decision and turn off onto the shoulder of the road. Hitting the hazard lights, I've got my phone out and dialing in a matter of seconds.
A pleasant sounding guy asks me to hold the line, and I try to control my breathing. My racing heart slows down a little now that I know I'm cued up as the next caller. But the band around my chest only eases when her voice comes through the speakers.
"A very good evening, Seattle. This is your host Mimi and you're listening to 'Tell me your secrets'. We've been discussing a difficult topic today, addictions. And we have the last call for tonight. Hello there, thank you for calling in. What's your name and what's your secret?"
"Hey, Mimi."
"Hey Anon, how are you?"
"Can't complain, but uhm wow, Mimi. What a topic tonight, I'm a little stunned with how close to home you've hit today."
"Because of your father's addiction?"
"Because of mine."
There's a brief pause, and I know she didn't expect that.
"What were you addicted to?"
I may have imagined the tiny hitch in her voice.
"Vodka, unlike my father's choice of beer. I was seventeen the first time I realized I'm a high functioning addict."
This time I'm sure I hear a sharp intake of breath. When she doesn't immediately respond, I speak again. "Mimi?"
"Hi, sorry. I'm here, just having a sip of water. Are you still an addict?"
"Nope. 11 years sober."
"So, you got sober in...college?"
I frown briefly, because it's strange that she's guessed my age so accurately.
"Yeah. Gar, my best friend, introduced me to my sponsor. Victor is a hardass but he's solid. He's helped me overcome a lot of my insecurities as well. Helped me realize how much I lost because I didn't trust myself."
"What did you lose?"
"My first love. I broke up with her because I was trying to quit by myself like some superhero who doesn't need anyone else. The funny thing is, at that point, it was already my 6th or 7th time quitting. She never knew about my struggle, and God, the details aren't even so clear anymore, but... we were at some or the other party. I had a solid plan, or so I thought. I remember staying completely focused on her, dancing, and yeah, that invincible feeling that I could do it this time. As long as I breathed her in, I wouldn't be tempted by the alcohol flowing freely around us."
I squeezed my eyes shut and scoffed at my own naiveté. "I'm still not sure what happened. Some other girl bumped into us maybe? I think she'd been dared to kiss my girl? Something stupid like that. But I was hit by this smell of cheap beer and I just panicked. It reminded me of my dad, of all the times he would drink, the way our house would stink. I shoved my girl away and ran. I wasn't thinking straight, and I don't even remember exactly what happened the rest of the night, but when I woke up, I knew. I'd drunk till I blacked out. I was so disgusted with myself. I thought I'd end up like dad... keep saying I'd quit, but turn around and keep drinking. I was so sure I'd drag her down with me, and I never wanted to mess her life. She deserved better. She was everything good, you know? I couldn't... If she'd known about my addiction, I would've become another project for her to fix. And I didn't want to be her project because," I chuckle, "See she was this overachiever in life who never knew how to quit and at that time I was a total loser. And I just... I loved her so much. So I left. I never gave her a reason. I broke her beautiful heart and I regret hurting her the way I did, but I didn't think I had a choice."
The memories flashed through my mind, torturing me. I had broken up with her before she could discover what a fuck up I was. I couldn't have taken her disgust, but her heartache cut me just as deep.
The day after that fateful party, I woke with a familiar headache and an unfamiliar heartache. I made it to school, and grabbed Bella's hand the minute she got out of her car.
"Edward! Are you alright?"
Fuck! Even after everything I had done to her, she was still concerned about me. My resolve strengthened. I had to do this... for her.
"Come with me." I extended my hand to her and then thought better and shoved them in my pockets. No point making this worse.
"Wh-where are we going?" she asked.
"Smoke hideout."
"The make out spot? Really?" she teased, but followed me without a word.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry but we're not working out and I don't want to insult you by making this a public debacle. I love you, I always have but I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have run away yesterday. I shouldn't have shoved you, but I can't guarantee that I won't do that again. And that's unfair to you. I'm sorry, baby, but we can't be together anymore."
"I-I don't understand. Wh-what are you talking about? How can you single-handedly decide you don't want this relationship anymore? Don't I get to decide?"
"Baby, please. I'm sorry but you really don't get to decide this. We're not right for each other and I don't want to be with you anymore. I can't be with you. I just can't, please don't make this worse for me."
"You won't even let me explain?"
"There is nothing to explain. This is my decision and no explanation can change it. Be with whoever you wish to, sweetheart. Just not with me."
Our friends sided with her. It wasn't surprising. Emmett and Jasper tried to reach out to me, but I was lost in a fog of alcohol, and numb to their efforts. Bella tried, but even she stopped after a while. I knew I was the villain of the story. I broke her heart. I couldn't look her in the eye.
"Wasn't there anyone else you could've turned to?" Mimi's voice sounds like I feel... doused in emotion and pain.
"Back then, I didn't have someone like Gar who believed in me. And I think first loves are so precious you wanna put them in a glass case and not let anything mar that perfect image. So, I left. It took me a long time to get myself sorted and start seeing other people. But yeah I realize looking back that however much I tried to protect her, Bel... the girl I loved still suffered the most collateral damage because of my addiction."
...-...
BPOV
I feel like I'm listening to someone else's story. I honestly don't remember the break up in much detail anymore; just the emotions involved... pain, confusion, guilt. It's so strange hearing him explain things from his point of view, and it hurts to think of how much he must've been struggling at the time. At the same time, I realize there's a small, forgotten part of me that still resents what he did.
"Do you still love her?" I bite my lip and hold my breath. Where the hell is this question coming from? I almost wish I could un-ask it. But damn it, I really do want to know.
"Not in the way I used to. I think a part of you will always smile when you think of the good times you had with your first love, but... It's been a really long time and we've both grown up so much, I don't even know who she is, or where she is anymore. Plus, I'm pretty sure she hates me."
I don't hate him. I stopped hating him a long time back.
"Why do you think that?"
"I was a typical teenager asshole to her, you know? I iced her out even though she kept trying to reach out to me. I deleted her messages and changed my number. I never let things get better because I knew my alcoholism would only get worse with age. So, yeah. I don't blame her if she hates me."
I frowned, because there was one thing that was really bugging me.
"Why didn't your ex or any of your friends recognize signs of alcoholism in you?"
"Well, not all addictions are same. So, someone who's drunk 24x7 can be called an alcoholic and easily recognized as one, but someone like me who waited to finish the school day and got drunk first thing when I reached home is an alcoholic as well. I was a highly functional alcoholic and it was easy to hide it from everyone. Even in college everyone just assumed I loved to party and drink. Only Gar saw through my excuse of 'just getting the college experience'."
"Gar sounds like a great friend. I'm really glad you have him." Oh god, I need a drink and a vacation in the Bahamas to process everything I'd just learnt.
"Me too. So, listen Mimi, I've had great fun talking to you all these days. But unfortunately this is going to be my last call to you. I'm going out of town, out of the country actually, so I won't be able to call or listen to your show. I just wanted you to know that telling you everything has really helped me. It's been cathartic to lay it all out, and I think I now know myself a little better than I did. I really want to thank you for being so open and providing a non-judgmental ear to me and to everyone who calls in to this show. So, thank you, and take care of yourself."
So much for taking my time to process what he told me! This man... why did he always leave me hanging?
"Anon, I'm stunned and so sorry to lose you as a listener and a caller. I wish you a happy and safe journey. I'm taking you off air now, could you stay on the line for a moment while I wrap up the show?"
"Uh yeah, sure."
"That was Anon, our favorite caller, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for me to sign out, but stay tuned for Matchless Classics from 1 to 4 am. Goodnight, drive safe, and love to you all."
I fade out to the song 'Ain't no sunshine', because I'm suddenly melancholy that he's going away, and cue up the pre-recorded music for the Matchless Classics show. Then I flick the switch so my mike is off air and tap back into the call with Edward.
"So, where are you going?"
"Uh, what?" He sounds startled by my sudden question. Can't really blame the guy.
"Sorry, I'm terrible at greetings. Ironic, I know."
His warm chuckle makes me smile. "No sweat. I'm pretty good with the small talk and greetings, so we should be just fine. And, I'm headed to London. I have a flight at 1500 hours."
"Did you just say fifteen hundred hours? What are you? A pilot or a military guy?"
"Neither, I'm just punctual is all."
"Good to know. So, um... is this the part where I tell you why I asked you to stay on the line?"
"Well, it would be nice to know, though I'm thoroughly enjoying just talking to you."
"I just wanted to let you know that I've really enjoyed talking to you as well, and weird as it may sound, I was thinking, even while you're away, in case you ever wanted to talk, or vent, or whatever, I mean, I could give you my number." I can feel his amazement in the silence between us. "Oh God, I sound like a stalker, don't I?"
"No!" he laughed, before rattling off his digits. "Just send me a text and I'll save your number as well, ok. Seriously though, I'm really enjoying talking to you, Mimi. I mean, don't get creeped out or anything, but I feel this kind of connection to you when we talk, and I'd have to say I count you as a friend."
I can't hold back my grin. "Friends, huh?"
His laugh sends lovely shivers down my spine. "Honestly, if I dated at all, I'd love to ask you out, maybe see if we can have something more. The trouble is, I'm out of town for the next four months. So, here's what I'm thinking. How about we start out as friends? We could keep in touch, text each other?"
"I'm not so keen to date anyone at this point either, but I can do friendship. I'll message you. It was really nice talking to you, Anon."
"Ditto and call me Edward, or Ed. Goodnight, Mimi."
"Goodnight, Ed."
He cuts the call and I take a moment to calm down. My heart is still pounding at the realization that he gave me his real name, while I'm still hiding behind my radio identity. I feel uneasy about building a new relationship with him based on a lie. Maybe I should just tell him when I text him. But what if he doesn't want to talk to me then?
I grab my phone and shoot off a text.
'You have my number now.'
'You can't get rid of me now ;)'
'I thought we were trying to be friends?'
'Of course we are, what did you think?'
'Don't you have a flight to catch? I'll see you tomorrow.'
'I'm on my way home right now actually... and I can't believe I've never asked you, are you safe going home so late? How will you go home?'
'8| I'm fine, Ed. I drive, I'm safe.'
'Good to know :)'
...-...
The minute I get home, I open a bottle of wine, because Holy Moly I need a drink. I also need to talk to my best friend, but it's now past 2 in the morning. So I spend about half an hour pouring my heart out to Rose in the longest texts ever, and in response I receive a single word, "calling."
She doesn't waste any time on useless things like saying hello. "Edward freaking Cullen, seriously?"
"Do not breathe a word to anyone. You hear me?"
"Who the fuck will I tell? I'm not in touch with any of those losers from high school!"
"Except your husband," I remind her.
"Oh Em, he won't tell a soul."
"Ro."
"Fine, fine. Jeez. I won't tell him. Much."
"You're hopeless."
"I can't hide anything from him, sorry. Anyway, fuck this. How the hell did this guy walk back into your life?"
"Like I said, he just called the show one night."
"And you never told him you're you?"
"Uh no. There was never exactly a good time. I don't know, how do you tell someone that you're the ex-girlfriend they regret hurting, while on air, and somehow keeping both your identities secret and your sanity in check?" She sniggers, making me grin in response, because damn, the situation really is ridiculous. "Plus, the first time he called I thought it was a one-off thing. I mean, I thought it was him, but it's been years, you know. I could've been wrong. But then over two months of regular calls, he let other small details slip, which made me pretty certain it was him. But I still didn't see how to tell him. I didn't expect us to become friends, you know? And... and I didn't know if he'd want to keep in touch if he knew it was me."
"Yeah, that's rough. But how does his alcoholism come into play? I mean, didn't he leave you for no reason? Like one Monday morning you came in with red eyes and that was that?"
"I don't know. I don't honestly remember the details of what happened donkey's years ago. I definitely haven't been holding a grudge all these years either. It's just that, now I'm enjoying his friendship, and I don't want to mess that up."
"Hold on, are you calling the flirt fest you two have going on as friendship?"
"What flirt fest? It was literally like 5 messages. Stop exaggerating!"
"I'm just saying, don't go there. I mean whatever his reasons back then, how do you know that he's really changed? And what if he's not the same guy you remember anymore. What if you're projecting some... some leftover desires from back then?"
"But he has changed, Ro. I've got to know him a little these past two months, and he's definitely grown up as a person. Yeah, I can pick out traces of the boy I liked back then, but this guy, this man, is different in a really nice way. He's got this great sense of humor, and he's focused on his work, and has some really good, strong friendships, and I'm just in awe of how he's worked on his addiction. Honest to God, if I had run into him for the first time today at the coffee shop, I'd have absolutely fallen for him."
"Would have fallen? Honey you're crushing hard already!" We dissolve into giggles for a minute, before she sobers up again. "Look, I'm not denying he's changed as a person, everyone does. I'm saying he didn't give you a chance back then to make your own decision about the situation, and I'm concerned that he might do something like that again. I mean, he hinted at wanting to date you, but it's from a comfortable distance cause he's not even in the country for four months."
"So you're saying he's trying to shield himself from rejection or from some kind of fallout from a possible relationship? And that's before there even is a relationship?" I ask slowly, trying to work through what I know of him, in light of this suggestion.
"Exactly! I'm just concerned that the guy may still have plenty of unresolved issues."
"I never saw it that way. What do you think I should do?"
"I think you should find out more about this guy before you dive into a pool of feels. Because, I don't know babe, you're still recovering from Sam and it's been two years since that drama."
"Oh God."
"Yeah. I hate to be the voice of reason and I don't mean to stomp on your crush, but maybe it's a good thing that the two of you can't date right away. You need to get to know each other again before you consume each other."
"Consume each other? We're not cannibals, woman!"
"Hah! Do you not remember yourself around him?"
"What do you mean?"
"You were each other's world. You had this bubble around you that no one could penetrate. I remember how, no matter what you were doing, you would constantly be looking around till you saw him, and it was the same with him. He was always restless till you were around him. Like your mere presence settled a storm inside him. You guys were eerie. You can't imagine how shocking your break up was for all of us, because yours was this profound love we never thought could end, you know? You were like Jerry Maguire-level complete around each other."
"That sounds creepy and very romance novel-ish." And just the thought made me yearn for it, but I wasn't telling her that.
"Oh get out of here, you say it like it's a bad thing. I thought it was beautiful!"
"Go home, you're drunk," I laughed.
"I love you too! And I do have to go but, seriously, think about what I said, okay?"
"I will. Give my niece a kiss from me."
"Will do. Bye!"
…-…
It's been a few days since his flight to London and I already miss Edward. Our primary mode of communication till then may have been the radio show, but I miss talking to him and laughing with him. And Rose is right, I want more than friendship with him. In just a matter of days, I'm right back where I was all those years ago, wanting a relationship, wanting him. I know it's crazy, but that's what Edward Cullen does to me.
Four months in another country is a legit reason not to date though, right? What kind of silliness would it be to declare we're dating, when we can't even meet? I know who Edward is, and thanks to some social media creeping, I can vouch for his utter hotness. Plus, I've been thinking about our past from his point of view, and for an eighteen year old, he made a very tough decision. I've seen grown men avoiding that kind of hard choice, and I can appreciate how difficult it was for him. His genuine regret for the way things went down back then just makes him more appealing to me. But as far as he knows, Mimi might be completely repulsive physically, or just too old for him, or too young. So logically, yes, his decision to hold off on anything but friendship makes perfect sense to me. On the other hand, the more we chat, the more attracted I am to him, and God, I need to put brakes on this if it's not going anywhere. I don't think I can deal with another heartache.
I'm not the same girl he knew at seventeen, after all. With age, every relationship seems to get more complicated than the last. I feel the expectations aren't the same and the disappointments keep growing. Sam was like that, an endless pool of expectations that I found myself drowning in. When I finally cut myself free of that relationship, I promised myself that no matter who I was with, I'd be true to myself. If they didn't like it, then I'd move on—I was done trying to change to suit another person's ideals.
But with Edward, I'm not being honest. I'm trying to protect my heart, but I'm not being true to myself. And yet, maybe I am? It's so confusing, because being with Edward is so effortless.
God, just thinking about him makes me miss him even more. So what if he hasn't messaged since he got there. Maybe he's waiting for my message. I should just ping him.
Before I can over think it, I do precisely that.
"Who thought rain in the dead of winter is a good idea?"
"Are we seriously discussing the weather?"
"No, I'm seriously whining about not wanting to leave my bed and go to work."
"Now why would you give me the image of you in bed in the middle of the bloody day? That's just cruel torture, woman!"
And just like that, he stirs up a field of butterflies in my stomach. I think he's flirting, and I don't know how to react. Shit, why am I so horrible at this? How hard can flirting be?
"Oh, yeah London, how was the flight?"
I hit send and then bang my head on the pillow.
"Boring. I saw two movies, though."
And just like that, he makes light of my awkwardness and makes me smile. Our conversation thread is never ending, and even the most mundane text makes me perk up. Once in a while, it's obvious that he's busy and distracted. Sometimes, though, his words make me blush and ache for more.
It's one such dreary February evening when Ro calls. I've just reached home from grocery shopping, so I'm juggling the phone and a box of cereal when she suddenly asks how it's going with Edward. It's an innocent question, but coming on top of an entire day's worth of texts that set my heart aflame… I drop the box of cereal and go off on a tirade.
"I don't understand him, Ro. I don't get what's happening. This guy is the most confusing dude I've ever met in my life. Some days we talk all day and other days he rarely replies. Maybe his work really keeps him that busy but I hate when he doesn't reply and I tell myself to not feel bad. And I tell myself to not over think it because we're just friends but I don't know how to stop. I didn't realize just how paranoid I had become. I never realized how damaged I am, Ro, always second-guessing, always questioning. Am I always going to be like this?"
"Oh honey, why didn't you tell me you've been so worried?"
Because I wanted to ignore the problem till it went away, of course. I start putting away the veggies while I seek the right words to answer her.
"I thought I'm better, Ro. I finally had a crush on someone. And it was exciting. And safe, it was safe because well this isn't technically a relationship and there aren't any expectations I'm failing at. And it's Edward… I feel safe with him. But, even this is too hard for me. I'm taking everything he says so seriously, even when he finishes the sentence with a winky emoji. Why can't I just enjoy this? I just want to be normal."
I shove the lettuce in and almost bang the refrigerator door in frustration. Then I pour myself some water and chug it down. Rose takes her time considering my words, and then finally speaks.
"Normal is overrated and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot. Okay now, listen to me—you probably don't want to hear this, but Edward is not Sam. He's not with you or talking to you out of convenience. Talking to you is not a burden for him. If it was then he would've told you. Now, did he tell you what he does for a living?"
I gulp the last of the water. "Uhm yeah, he's a strategic consultant in a firm, he travels for his projects and client meetings."
"Is that why he's always busy?"
"I think so. I think he has a very stressful job which is why he likes to unwind and talk about mundane things with me." I put the glass in the sink, then think better of it and start washing the dishes by hand.
"What mundane things?"
"Like, stupid 'getting to know you' things, you know? Favorites, childhood memories, stuff like that. Sometimes, we text back and forth for hours, chatting about nothing."
"God, you're hopeless."
"What, why?"
"Because he's flirting and you're oblivious."
"Why would you think he's flirting?" I had my doubts, but I didn't know if I was just imagining it because I really wanted it.
"Why else would he want to get to know you like this? Why else would he stay up to talk to you?"
"I don't know!" I close the tap and wipe my hands dry. "I've never had someone be interested in me like he is… and he's just a friend!"
"Okay, one—he isn't just a friend. Get that delusion out of your head. And, two—you did have people interested in you. But you weren't interested in them, so you completely ignored their flirting."
"Ugh, what do I do now?"
"You're a beautiful person, Bella. Let yourself open up. He's not going to hurt you. He's not going to take advantage of you. I'm telling you again, he's not Sam. Don't punish him for Sam's misgivings."
"Okay, I gotta go dry the dishes. I'm going to see you tomorrow?"
"Yep. Em hasn't seen you in weeks. Wanna do falafels? I've been feeling like falafels for a while."
"Falafels are awesome. Let's do them!"
I think about what Ro said while drying the dishes. Is that what I'm doing? Does my lack of response to his flirting stem from a reluctance to share? Maybe she's right. I was always very reluctant to share details with Sam because I knew that irrespective of the narrative, Sam would find a way to blame me. Take, for instance, 'Promiscuous Laura' from my last workplace, who couldn't help but throw herself at any moderately attractive person in the vicinity. Sam always told me she was hitting on me and that any polite interaction I had with her was 'encouraging' her.
While Sam's insinuations made me uncomfortable and unhappy, I did learn something significant. I learnt to never throw myself at anyone, ever. That's one of the major reasons why I've kept aloof ever since I broke up with Sam. I'm just not okay with putting myself out there like that again. But maybe asking Edward out when he gets back wouldn't be throwing myself at him. In fact, I've got a better idea. He's my friend and we discuss all kinds of things. I can just ask him outright why he doesn't date, and I'm pretty confident he won't even think twice before answering me honestly.
I pick up the phone to ask him and smile at our last messages… I was telling him some random stuff about my morning practice session with Em's band, the Rockies. I like that we are comfortable telling each other inane details of our lives now. I'm still smiling like a silly girl when my phone beeps with a message.
"The only upside to my job was that I travel so much I never have to see asshole people from my life. And now even that joy has been taken away from me. Is there a guide somewhere on how to talk to your ex after like years?"
My heart literally stops beating for a moment. Shit! Has he found out who I am? Why is he asking me this?
"Why?"
"Because the wicked witch from the west, I mean Corey (my ex) is also here for this project and not one of my idiot co-workers thought to inform me about this month from hell when I'm supposed to be polite to that wench."
"Wow, no love lost there, eh?"
"I despise that woman. And I don't despise people easily. I mean, I never even hated my father and the man made me starve as a kid."
"I never know what to say to you about what you went through. I'm sorry doesn't seem enough. Why do u despise Corey? Bad break up?"
"The worst."
"Is she one of the reasons you don't have a relationship-friendly life?"
"Are you asking me why I don't date?"
"Yes."
"Well, many reasons actually. One of them being I don't meet new people. I mean, I meet strangers all the time, but I don't meet people who can potentially be a constant in my life, you know what I mean? I travel too much so I'm not in touch with people back home. I never made many friends in college except for Garrett because there wasn't much space in my life back then. And then work happened and god, I've met some of the vilest, most horrid people these last few years, who make me want to wear a chastity belt. I'm serious, they are completely vapid."
"I've seen so many friends & colleagues used and taken advantage of by these women, it's disgusting. I always thought I'm above that and I'm immune to them, till I was used just the same. Corey lived in my apartment building, and seemed so sweet and nice at first."
"But when we started dating, I guess my lifestyle didn't suit her. I'm still living very modestly, and habits of money clipping die hard, you know. So, she slept with the first ladder she found and didn't even bother informing me that she's done seeing me. Since then I've just lost the zeal to even try, you know? Like, there is no point. I'll never find a meaningful connection with another person. And if I do find someone, like I found you, we're doomed to fail because we live on different continents right now."
"Wow. I don't even know what to say, I want to hit her? I definitely want to say some choice words to her. Jesus, I'm so sorry. And you have to be polite to this bitch now? Also, why do you think long distance is doomed?"
"LOL! :D"
"I'd love to see your choice words to her. And yeah, she'll be sitting in these meetings with me for at least the next three weeks which is going to be torture. Thank god, I have you."
"Long distance is doomed because if I couldn't keep a nothing-girl who lived in the same building interested in me for more than three months, then how will I keep someone as interesting as you with me with an ocean between us?
"You'll never know unless you ask."
"I just found you, Mimi. I don't wanna lose you so soon. I'm not good at this dating thing. I don't even remember to answer my messages most of the time."
"Don't feel pressured into asking me out. Just know that you can. You're not the only one not ready for a relationship."
"But hey, is it ok if I ask you to let me know when you're going to be busy? It helps me not panic that I'm bugging you."
"Of course. And why are you not ready? For a relationship, I mean. Bad break-up? And you're never a bug. I love talking to you."
"Oh god, yeah. Terrible break up. I realized that there was only one person in our relationship and that was Sam. Everything was about Sam. Everything in my life, from my hair to my make-up to my clothes to my shoes to my time management had to be Sam's choice. I felt like I'd become this human puppet, and Sam held all the strings."
"Shit, that's rough. Now I wanna throw out punches. How did you get out of it?"
"I found that Sam had listed my apartment for rent without asking me, and wanted us to move in together into a house I hadn't even seen. I couldn't believe it. I mean, we were talking about getting a place together but I wanted to be a part of that decision. Like, who goes and selects the decor for a place they haven't even moved into?"
"She came home with all these ridiculous homey things like new curtains and scented candles and centerpieces that we did not need. And I realized for the first time that my opinion seriously didn't matter, I didn't matter. Sam had this dream of a house and a partner, but it didn't really matter whether that person was me or not. I was just convenient. And I decided I wasn't going to be someone's convenience anymore."
"You can't imagine the shock on Sam's face when I said that I want to break up. Utter disbelief. And then a shouting match, telling me how ungrateful I am and how I'm throwing away a perfect relationship for unreasonable standards. I walked out, cause even then my opinion didn't matter. When I came back, I found my house in shambles, half my clothes cut with scissors, the ones Sam gifted me were missing. My books thrown on the floor, Sam's books missing. My favorite Rockies picture frame smashed. My jewelry box overthrown with every earring or pendant Sam ever gave me, missing."
"What the hell? What's with the clothes and jewelry obsession? Sam sounds girly, dude!"
"That's because Sam is a girl. The woman was the vainest person I've ever come across. The amount of low-key shading I got about my 'bad eating habits'. She needed me to 'look my best' at all times. Goodness, I stopped eating french fries because of her incessant nagging. I can't believe I cut down my days of band practice for her."
"God, I'm so sorry you went through that. How long were you together?"
"Almost three years."
"Yikes, and when did you break up?"
"Two years back."
"Have you dated since?"
"I tried. My friends set me up with some guys and a few girls. But, I just can't go beyond one date. I overthink what I'm doing, and then the thoughts just don't stop…do they like me or is it just pretence, if we disagree I'll second guess my opinion, and I'll keep stressing about whether or not they're happy to be out with me. And it's a downward spiral from there because I convince myself that I'm just not meant to be happy with someone."
"This is why I hate long distance. I just want to hug you right now."
"(((hugs))) Thank you, Ed. You're very sweet to me."
"You're a sweetheart, Mimi. It's easy to be sweet on you."
It feels like a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders. This feeling of lightness… God, Edward always surprised me. I had been genuinely afraid that the moment he found out I'm not straight he'd go awkward and running in the other direction. But no, he wanted to hug me. He called me a sweetheart. And he didn't even seem fazed when I mentioned dating a woman. He just took it in his stride. Is it because I'm a stranger? Do people only judge the ones they know? Or maybe he really is cool with it, unlike my parents.
Was he always this cool? Had I misjudged him? That fateful night, that cursed party… did I read the situation completely wrong? Knowing about his addiction, and having heard his version of the events, I can't help but reassess what I thought had happened.
Everyone said the teenage years were tough, but for me, it sometimes felt like a never-ending hell. Edward was the one good thing in my life, the one person anchoring me to myself. Edward deserved better. I shouldn't have hid this from him. I should've told him.
But fuck, I could barely whisper it to myself, how would I tell him? What if I turned him off? What if he didn't want to be with a woman who's attracted to other women? That's the thing though. I'd always been what people call a tomboy. Edward was the only guy who saw past my hard-ass bitchy exterior and if he didn't want me, I didn't know if I'd ever find someone who would. Enough people already looked at Edward and I and wondered why we were together. But he never made me feel strange or weird, or anything less than perfect.
Even my parents had all these expectations of me. Hell, I lived my life trying to match up. But it was never that way with Edward. In fact, his presence in my life had helped me come to terms with this... sexual crisis. I loved him, but I did find women attractive, and even if I never acted upon it, I needed him to know. It just didn't feel right to keep something like that a secret from him.
So I went to Alice's party that night, determined to put it all out there, to tell Edward everything and just trust that he loved me enough not to hate me. Wrapped up in his arms, I didn't see the bomb that was about to blow up our relationship till it was too late. Jessica was drunk, and I later found out that it was a dare. But in that moment, all I knew was the soft press of her breasts against mine, and her lips on mine, and fuck! I liked it. It was barely a brush of our lips, but I kissed her back.
And the next thing I knew, Edward pushed me away and I landed on the floor in a pile of shock and self loathing. Edward left. He saw me kissed by a woman and he was so disgusted he just left the party. I spent all night trying to call Edward who didn't pick my calls or answer my messages. Maybe he was jealous, right? Or maybe he just couldn't be with someone... like me.
I shake my head at the memories. With time, the sharp sting of that rejection had gone down, but it only now feels like that wound has truly healed.
…-…
March 12, 2018
"OMG! Did I tell you that Hannah slipped in the bathroom today?"
"High-heel Hannah?"
"Yes! She was putting the fifteenth coat of lipstick for the day and I'm horrible but I laughed when I saw her falling. And the funny thing is she didn't even try to catch hold of anything. My first reaction is to always try to hold onto anything near me."
"Do you fall a lot?"
"Oh sure, I'm a legend. My friends used to say I walk on slippery air. Lol!"
Somehow, I didn't mind sharing that kind of embarrassing stuff with him. Maybe it was because he'd laid bare some of his deepest secrets, or maybe just because it was him.
"I'll catch you if you fall ;)"
"Lol… enough with the flirting. I'm so sleepy. Goodnight."
"Night, sweetheart."
I may or may not have squealed, grinned at my phone for two minutes flat, and then sent Ro the screenshot to fan-girl over.
Since the 'sweetheart incident' as Ro likes to call it, we've been low-key flirting in every conversation. I'm genuinely enjoying talking to him so much. It's like rediscovering the Edward that I loved, but also this whole other guy, who's mature, and funny, and caring. Sometimes, it makes me regret losing what we had in high school, but then again, maybe it was for the best. We've both grown up, and in a way, are appreciating what we have in a completely new light.
…-…
April 30, 2018
"HELP!"
"What happened? Should I call the police?"
"Police? Woman, I am in London! How will you call London police? Hey, my name is Edward Cullen by the way. I never told you my full name, I just realised."
"I would've figured something out. Nice to meet you Edward."
"Back to your problem, what happened?"
"Corey is being weird."
"Is she staring at you again?"
"She keeps asking me for a pen. There are like twenty pens lying around on the table, just pick one up! And then she sends me random small smiles like she's shy or something. What do I do? I wanna glare at her but I don't want her thinking I'm hung up on her or whatever."
"She just wants attention from you. Don't you have a resting bitch face?"
"A what? What is that?"
"Do you have those cold professional smiles that you give to strangers and insurance salesmen?"
"Oh yeah, the client smile. Jay says they make me look constipated."
"That one, exactly. Give her one of those. She'll scramble. If you give her a confused look then she would take it to mean that you're intrigued by her and want to figure her out. Which basically serves her purpose of trying to make you think about her."
"I could cut that woman in half and not care. She's the last thing I want to think about! Why would I think of her when I've got you to think about?!"
"Are you thinking about me?"
"I was thinking about that pic you sent me of your hands. Are they still hurting?"
"No, just a little red now. Cost of trying to cook, really. Hey, how come you're free right now?"
"Boring meeting. You're more fun. I wanted to ask you yesterday, that scar on your wrist - where did you get that? And is it normal to be obsessed with someone's hands?"
"First you were thinking about me, now you're obsessing over my hands. Mr. Cullen, it looks like the beginning of a crush to me. You might wanna get that checked out ;)"
"Only people who want to get cured get checked out, Ms. Mimi. I have no intention of getting rid of these feelings ;]"
"Flatterer. The scar is a relic of a stupid college dare gone wrong. Beer bottle mishap. I was too drunk to realize how deep the cut was. I'm thinking of getting a tattoo over it."
"Do you have any tattoos already?"
"Wouldn't you wanna know? ;)"
"Why yes, I do. So? Any tattoos? If yes, then where?"
"One. And you can see it if/when we ever meet."
"Can you make it when?"
"What?"
"No ifs. I'm ready to meet you, just tell me when."
"The sunday after you land?"
"Done, sweetheart. Can't wait to see you."
…-…
May 11, 2018
"When it rains, it pours."
"Is it pouring in Seattle?"
"When is it not pouring in Seattle?"
"London is the same."
"Everything okay? How're you doing today?"
"I'm in a shit mood Edward. Let me talk to you later."
"Uhm okay, but just know I'm here for you if you want to talk. (((hugs)))"
"I just, I hate that she gets to me, you know? I can still hear her voice in my head. I still doubt myself about making the smallest decisions. I'm still not okay. I'm over her. I know I don't care for her, but I don't know how to get this voice out of my head. And, I'm just so pissed at myself."
"Sweetheart, what brought all this on?"
"I have a gig coming up."
"For your band?"
"Yeah and I'm so nervous. They want to host it at Sam's restaurant and I really, really don't want to see her face, Edward."
"Don't give her power over you, sweetheart. Come on now, you're better than that. You two weren't meant to be, right? You just go and play those drums like nobody's business and enjoy yourself. This is your first gig in a while, that's exciting! Just have fun with your bandmates. You'll be fine."
"Stay with me?"
"Always, sweetheart. Do you want me to send you reinforcements?"
"Reinforcements?"
"Send me the restaurant's name, I'll ask Gar to cheer you up."
"Aw you're sweet. But no, I have friends coming for that."
"Ro and her husband, right? And you have me. Whatever you need me for, I'm here for you. And if all else fails, wear those sky-high heels and jab it in her eye."
"Are you watching Atomic Blonde again?"
"Yes. No. No, of course not."
"If I was the jealous kind then your obsession with Charlize Theron would make me burn."
"But you know I'm committed to your hands. So, there is nothing to be jealous about."
"Go finish your work, I gotta have dinner."
"See you later."
"Bye, sweetheart. And thanks :)"
"3"
o~o~o
May 21, 2018
"Motherfucker!"
Someday, I'm going to resurrect the guy who made alarm clocks and kill him all over again, very slowly and painfully.
Is it 8:00 am? Who the fuck wakes up at 8:00 am? Wait, I know the answer to this. All the people in the world who don't go to sleep at 3:00 am, that's who. Then why the fuck am I awake? I groan and hide my head under my pillow, before popping right back up the next moment, as clarity hits me.
Oh fuck! Edward! Shit!
I sit up, wide eyed and wild haired, trying not to freak out, trying to tone down the massive grin on my face, trying to act normal when my heart is skipping in apprehension and desire and excitement and a million other emotions that are suddenly spilling out of me.
He's back. He came back yesterday night, and asked to meet today. "Can't possibly wait another day," he said. And of course I agreed, because I'm not stupid.
Okay, maybe I'm a little stupid, because I mean, I still haven't come clean with the guy. Oh shit. Deep breaths, Bella. Find your inner peace or something. It's going to be okay. This is just you clarifying things with him. This is where all the secrets and lies from a decade ago finally come to an end.
I'm not nearly calm enough, but I can't be late for this. Deciding what to wear is a pain. I haven't been on a date in so long! Wait, it's not a date. I have to clear the air first. I have to tell him everything and just hope like hell he still wants to know me afterwards. God, I hope he doesn't hate me for not telling him who I really am.
I snap out of it and get to the bathroom, brushing my teeth and staring at my reflection in the mirror. Will he recognize me? I don't look too bad for a thirty-year old. Rose can tease me all she wants about grey hair and wrinkles, I know I don't have any… yet. But I definitely don't look the same as when I was a teenager. My cheekbones are more prominent, I don't wear my hair so long anymore, and my body has filled out. Guys are more visual, aren't they? Will he like what he sees?
I hop in and out of the shower, blow-drying my hair so the chestnut waves are smooth and silky. A nice top and jeans, eyeliner and my standard nude lipstick, and I'm ready. My hands tremble a bit as I grab my bag and keys, but I am not going to let my trepidation get the better of me. Not now, not after all these years. With one last look at myself in the mirror, I head out.
It's a short drive to the bistro where we agreed to meet, but I have to wipe my sweaty palms off on my jeans at least three times. Fuck, since when do my palms sweat? Why am I so nervous? I've been talking to the guy for more than six months now. I've let go of whatever resentment I had from what went down in high school, and I know for a fact that he's over it as well… in fact, he never thought negatively about me at all! We're both mature, we both are in a really good place in our lives, and we both want to explore this, whatever we have between us in the here and now.
If only I hadn't lied to him about my identity! I loved being Edward's Mimi. Bella has so much she needs to live up to, she has these standards and moulds she needs to fit into but Mimi is fluid. Mimi doesn't have emotional baggage or disappointment trailing behind her. What if he likes me only because I'm a stranger and not his Bella? I'm no different than the women that used him in the past, because I lied and manipulated him too.
I'm not even near done with my freak-out when I realize I've reached the bistro. It's not quite ten, and I easily find parking space nearby. Finiskey's is one of those modern places with mismatched but comfortable furniture. I especially love it because of its cozy and comfortable couches that feel like you're sitting on a cloud. If I'm going to have uncomfortable conversations with Edward, well then my tush is going to be comfortable at least!
I walk inside and I try and find him but at first glance I see no one I recognize. I breathe a sigh of relief but also worry if he's going to show up. A man moves past me to my right, and I see a slightly recessed alcove behind him. I'm frozen in my spot, because there he is. Edward Cullen in the flesh, looking hotter than any man has the right to. I watch as he stands, uncoiling his body and unleashing the full effect of his tall, muscular frame. His hair is not as wild as I remember, but still that distinctive copper penny color. His shoulders seem wider, and the casual t-shirt hugs his defined pecs and holy… I can't help but stare at the way the muscles in his arm flex as he moves. He crosses his arms, and I look up at his face again. Green eyes laugh back at me, and those full lips of his are twisted in a familiar smirk.
I should be mortified that he caught me checking him out so blatantly, but I just can't find it in me. Instead, a grin takes over my face, and my feet decide to move me a lot closer to him. The next thing I know, everything around us disappears as he folds me into those strong arms of his.
"Bella," I hear him mutter, so soft and content, I can't stop the tears that escape my eyes. I hug him back, and bask in the perfection of this moment. All these months, all my nervousness, all my misgivings, were for nothing, because it's perfect, and… wait a minute.
"Wait a minute," I step back, though not completely out of his arms. "You don't seem the least bit surprised to see me. You knew… all this time…"
"I'm not surprised, sweetheart," he shrugs. "Just really happy to see you. You're even more gorgeous than I remember."
I sputter out something unintelligible, and he gives me a cheeky grin. Trailing a hand down to grasp mine, he gestures to the table behind him. Once we're both seated on a comfy couch, he looks me straight in the eye. He's still holding onto my hand, so it takes me a moment to think straight, but it hits me pretty soon… he knew!
"Since when?"
"Ah, sometime at the end of January, I guess?" He chuckles at my gasp of shock. He knew for the last four months? "I had heard your show a couple of times before I called. I didn't recognize your voice at that point, but it sounded really familiar. Then when I started calling in, you asked me some questions that surprised me. You guessed my age pretty accurately, and you knew I was good at math, the way you asked me about my family, it wasn't like a stranger was asking. It was like I was talking to someone who knew me. But I knew for sure it was you when you told me about the band."
"The Rockies? How'd that make you think it was me?"
"You forget that I was friends with Emmett back in high school, when he started calling himself Rocky and talking about setting up a band. And you mentioned your friend Ro, and it didn't take me long to figure out it was the same Rose we went to school with. I've been in touch with Em off and on through the years, so I knew he'd married Rose. It wasn't so difficult to confirm my suspicions."
I sigh. "Emmett can't keep a secret to save his life. I had warned Rose, but she can't keep anything from him either. My attempt at secrecy was clearly doomed."
Edward nods, barely suppressing a smile. A waiter chooses that moment to stop by and ask if we're ready to order. Since neither of us takes food lightly, we take a few minutes to decide what we want to eat. When the waiter finally departs, Edward reaches for the complimentary bread basket at the same time as I do.
He grabs for the same piece of herbed foccacia that I had my eye on, and oh, this is war. I swat at his hand, and he tries to pry my fingers off the bread. He leans down as though to bite my fingers off and licks at them instead. My laughter stills, leaving behind a deep longing and hunger … for him.
The waiter ruins the moment we're having by plonking down another bread basket and scurrying away, as though afraid we'd bite at him next.
"Did that just happen?" I whisper, mortified. A surreptitious glance around the bistro reveals that at least half the patrons are still glancing at our table. Edward reclaims my attention by reaching out for my hand again. Just like that, we're the only people in the room.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask. The entire time that we were getting to know each other better, flirting, growing closer… he actually knew it was me. The thought thrills me, but I want to know what was going on in his head.
"I thought about it," he confesses. "I was completely shocked at first, to think that we'd connect again after all these years. It just blew my mind. But then I realized you knew it was me, maybe from the first time I called. I assumed you had a reason for not reaching out as yourself, and well, I had all kinds of scenarios running through my head—that you still hated me; that you were in a relationship; that you didn't really want to know me anymore. I just didn't want to make things difficult for you."
"That was nice of you, though wow, those are some wild assumptions," I said as I bit into a slice of bread heaven. I'm suddenly struck by a thought. "Is that the why you started calling me sweetheart? Because you knew it was me?"
"That's not the only reason, no. I call you a sweetheart because you are one. You have the sweetest heart I've ever been acquainted with."
"And broken," I muttered before I realized I said it aloud. "Shit, sorry! I didn't mean to say that. I was being a bitch, I'm sorry."
He sighs and leans forward. "I deserve it, Bella. I did break your heart. And I really am sorry about it. I was in a bad place back then, but I didn't have any right to treat you the way I did. I'm ready to apologize to you every day for it, sweetheart."
"You don't need to apologize every day. I forgave you a long while back." I slowly remove my hand from his and pick up my glass of water. "Actually I came here today prepared to apologize to you."
"Whatever for?" he asks. "For staying anonymous? Ah, I see." He nods in understanding. He always did get me.
"Are you upset with me? I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say to you… how to tell you it was me. And then when you left for London, I knew I should tell you it was me, but I was just so caught up in this new friendship, this relationship that we were forming… I couldn't bear the thought that you might end it if you knew it was me. With every day that passed it just became more and more difficult to come clean. And… it's easier to not be me. It's easier to be myself when I'm not supposed to be me."
Edward pauses, puts his fork down and looks into my eyes. His gaze is intense but also understanding, and I find the courage to go on.
"Being Mimi is a lot easier than being Bella, sometimes. Mimi is a pleasant voice you can confide to. Mimi is anyone, and no one in particular. But Bella is a finite person. Bella is the girl who was dumped in high school. Bella is a daughter who is a disappointment to her parents. Bella is the quiet girl at parties. I feel like I'm stuck in my own body sometimes. Like, suppose I'm in a pissy mood and snapped at a colleage not to crunch on chips while sitting next to me. It's an annoying sound, right? But the next thing you know, I'm labeled as the chip-hater. What're you smiling like that for?"
"I'm sorry. It's just that you and chips are a match made in heaven. I can't imagine you staying away from them. I mean you're stealing my fries right now, woman."
I pause and look at my hands casually picking a fry from his plate and burst out laughing.
He winks and pushes a few more my way. "I think I get what you mean. You know Garrett has been a really great friend to me, but with him, and even Em, for that matter, I sometimes feel as though they don't really see me as I am today. They still try to find reflections of what I used to be. I still count on them as my best friends, but they don't know always recognize me as the man I am today."
"Yes! Thank you! That's exactly what I mean. And that's also one reason it was such an attractive prospect to get to know you without the shackles of who we were, or with the shadow of our past hanging over us."
"And then there was Sam," he prompts.
I nod. "Yeah. She did a number on my self confidence, but talking to you the past few months I've realized something. Not all my problems are her fault. She played a big part in chipping away my confidence, but ultimately it was my need to please her, to gain acceptance, I guess, that she exploited. I can see where it was partly my fault."
Edward nods slowly and gives me a hesitant smile. "And do you think I'm also going to be one of those people who put you in a box?"
It's surprisingly easy to answer him honestly. "No. I really don't think you will. Not anymore. But I'm not the girl you knew in the past. I'm not the person you used to be in love with."
"Sweetheart, you know the worst parts of me and you still wanted to meet me. You knew all my secrets and you still wanted to talk to me. I am lucky to be here and I'm not going to take this for granted. I know we were in love with each other once, but be honest with me. Do you even remember much of it anymore?"
I shake my head in the negative, because I really don't.
"Exactly my point. When I look at you today, I don't see that girl. I remember what it felt like to love that girl, but as a grown man, what I need from a relationship is different. I need… more, I guess. And talking to you these past few months, I think I see exactly what I've been seeking. You've grown into such an amazing person, Bella… you may not see your strength in overcoming a partner like Sam, but I do. I'm in awe of you. You inspire me to be myself. You can't imagine what that means to me."
"Thank you. Thank you, I really needed that. God, I can't be teary here." I chuckle and dab at my eyes with the napkin.
"I also wanted to apologize to you."
"We've been through that, Edward. There are no more apologies needed," I protested.
"I should've told you about my addiction. I decided that you shouldn't stay tied to me, but I shouldn't have taken that choice from you. You didn't deserve to be blindsided on top being heartbroken."
"Could've, would've, should've is pointless now, sweetheart. I do appreciate it though. You saying this means a lot."
"Why did you think I was breaking up with you?"
"Oh God, now I'm embarrassed. When you called the show back in October, I realized that I didn't remember much of what had happened in high school. So I dug out my old diaries, and it was… well, embarrassing to be honest. I was just really insecure as a person. I was also a little guilty for letting Jessica kiss me at that party."
"Why were you guilty? It wasn't your fault she walked up to you and kissed you. It definitely wasn't your fault that she smelled like cheap beer and triggered my reaction."
"I know that now. But think of what it seemed like to me back then. I thought you might have been homophobic. But I was mainly mad because you wouldn't talk to me or discuss what really happened."
He shook his head contritely. "It really wasn't my finest hour, but I like to think I've learnt from it."
"Well, from what I've learnt of you over the past few months, I can definitely vouch for that," I tease, delighting in his laughter. "Hey, so I was wondering… what made you decide to try dating again? What changed?"
"You came along," he shrugged. "You changed my perspective of what friendships and relationships should be like. I suppose I had just started assuming the worse when it came to women, but I just can't do that with you. And not just because you were the first person in my life that I genuinely loved. It's just… talking to Mimi on air was cathartic, but talking to you brought home to me not just how perfect you are, but also how real you are. I always thought my first relationship with you was perfect in many ways. Like no one else could compare. And till now, no one else did. They just saw the wallet, not the man."
"Why Edward, you never told me you're a rich man." I grin and flutter my eyelids at him.
He laughs and I think the day gets a little brighter. "I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. Plus I'm so frugal by nature, I end up saving a lot. It's what attracted Corey to me in the first place. And then she dumped me when I refused to buy her some stupid bauble from Tiffany's."
"Bitches."
"Hey! You totally went Eleven on me."
"I did! She's so cool!"
The waiter finds us laughing hysterically when he brings around my gorgeous, luscious lemon tart and Edward's boring apple pie.
"Why apple pie?" I ask as I bite into my tart shell.
"I'd never had one growing up. The first time I tasted it was during an event at work. I just loved it so much, it became my go-to dessert."
"I never liked it growing up. My mum made a horrible pie. No don't shake your head, seriously, she was a good cook with no baking skills."
"I'm not shaking my head at her skills. I'm just sad you haven't enjoyed heaven on earth. Take a bite." He offers me a bite.
"I'm not really a fan, honest."
"Just try one bite. I promise you won't ever have to try it again." He brings the fork closer to me. I lean forward and take a bite out of it gingerly. But wow, he is right. This pie is delicious!
"Oh wow." And now I don't want to eat my tart. I look at the tart and then at his pie. Without a word, he exchanges our plates and declares his undying love for all pastries including lemon tart. He's too good to be true.
Stuffed till we can't possibly eat another morsel, we finally leave the bistro high on good food and great company. I haven't had so much fun in years, even though I'm a little pissed that he managed to sneak off and pay our bill.
As we start towards the parking lot, I stop in my tracks. When he stopped and turned to me expectantly, I finally asked him the question that I came here to ask him in the first place.
"Would you go out on a date with me?"
"You mean a second date?" he smirks.
"What?"
"Sweetheart, we were just on a date. The past few hours, sharing our lives, clearing the air… that was our first date."
"So, we're dating now?"
"I'm afraid we've been dating for a few months now, baby," he grinned. "And we are exclusive and I'm your boyfriend if you'll have me."
Do not squeal. Do not squeal. Do not squeal.
"Yes to the boyfriend and yes to being together." I hold my breath.
"You wanna squeal, don't you?"
"Yes, but I'm holding myself back." I squeeze his hand that I didn't even realize I was holding.
"Don't. Never hold yourself back with me." He pulled me close and brushed aside my hair from my face with a soft smile.
He likes to tell people I attacked him at that point, but I did not.
I did not grab his shirt and pull him to me. I definitely did not pull him hard enough to bump into my car. I didn't kiss the living fuck out of him. I for sure did not attack his lips or suck on them. I definitely did not smooch him in broad daylight in the parking.
All in all it was the best second first-kiss of my life.
o~o~o