remember ruination
by: like firing
you wanted happiness, i can't blame you for that,
and maybe a mouth sounds idiotic when it blathers on about joy,
but tell me
you love this, tell me you're not miserable
— richard siken —
"I really want to kill you," she breathes, and he laughs, an odd, deep, breathy sound, something very, very dark, and very, very malicious. He sounds like Snoke, which is fitting, because he is Snoke, now.
"I know you do," he whispers, "that's what makes it so perfect."
His hand is still in front of hers and now she takes it without regrets. She has no intention of protecting the Jedi, now. She cares a little for Princess Leia but the Light, the Jedi, they are dead. She knows because she knows Luke Skywalker and knows that he is a lost cause. Rey of the desert waited for her parents on Jakku. She waited for fifteen years and she is done waiting for lost causes.
She looks into eyes, then. Ben Solo's eyes. Ben is a lost cause. They are Kylo Ren's eyes, yes, and now she understands. She needs to let the past die, let his past die, let her past die, or she will never go anywhere. The past is poison. The past is Ben Solo and she was stubborn enough, to this point, to believe in redemption, to believe in the difference between Dark and Light, to believe that there was a difference. That there is a difference. There is no difference.
His fingers are a little clammy and sweaty. Or are hers? She doesn't know. But their fingers are more than touching, their fingers are together, and the minute hers are fully encased in his he grabs them tight. She couldn't pull away if she wants to. She does not want to.
"I want to kill you," she repeats, her eyes fixed on his, wondering if he understands. She wants to kill him. She wants to shove her lightsaber between the bones of his ribcage and watch him squirm for breath.
He looks at her with the left corner of his mouth a little up—not a smile, not a smirk, somewhere in between. "If I cared," he says, "you'd be dead first."
Her fingers curl and she resists the urge to pull away. From the threat, not the man. She agrees with the man.
"I agree, then," she says, "let go of my hand."
He does. "Do you want me to save your Resistance?"
"Would you, if I asked? Save them, that is."
"They are no threat to me. I own the galaxy, Rey. I have billions of people under my command and they are forty-odd people about to be annihilated. Ideally, I should kill them. But I won't. I won't kill them if you let me take my mother."
She doesn't think about it. "You'll spare them, if you capture her?"
"Yes. The fact doesn't disgust you?"
"It's a deal, Kylo. I am willing to trade. But everyone else stays alive. Or I will leave you."
"Kylo? Not Ben," he doesn't look enraged, but curious. Curious, like a little boy researching the Clone Wars, looking up Darth Vader. That look in his obsidian eyes is very disturbing because it is very human. So far she hasn't been thinking about him as a human, not really. Was that the same look he used to give Luke, enquiring about his grandfather? His mother? His father? And, oh, he was asking a question.
"You're not Ben Solo. You haven't been since that night fifteen years ago, have you?" and she is saddened by the fact, a little.
"Finally, I think, you understand."
Her eyes narrow. She doesn't make a move to step away but, still, he lurches towards her. And then he stops himself before his lumbering frame topples on her. She stands still, brown eyes blazing. "Call off the attack, Kylo. Call off the attack and take your mother prisoner. She is one person. I am not going to let everyone else suffer because of her."
"But she has the Force—"
She laughs. "That doesn't make her more important—"
"Yes," he says, stepping towards her. "Yes, it does."
But Rey shakes her head. "I will never understand your people," she says, "never. You and your war for the Force. So many people have died in your war, Kylo."
"You don't have to understand it. You have to fight it."
"I don't want to. I don't like death."
"But you want to kill me."
"That's different—"
"How? This is war and I am human."
"Are you so sure, about that?"
"You—"
They are nose to nose and eye to eye and Rey is forgetting to breathe. Then she remembers. "Kylo Ren. Tell those ships to leave the Resistance. Tell them to leave or I will leave."
"You can't leave me," his warm breath cascades over her face. "You are not allowed to leave, Rey."
"I can do anything I want to do."
"Fine," he sighs, "fine, I will call off the attack. I will take my mother prisoner. And then I will interrogate her. Are you okay with that, then? Will you still leave?"
"You won't kill her?"
"No."
"Then no, Kylo Ren. No, I won't leave," Rey turns her back to him. "I don't like it when people leave," she whispers. He barely hears her, barely, but he still does.
Then he puts his hand on his comlink and it activates with a burst of static. Rey turns back to him, almost jumping in surprise. He holds a finger to his lips. Then he talks. "Give the Resistance an ultimatum, Hux. They give us Leia Organa and we let them all go, free, as long as they do not incite another rebellion."
"What is this, Ren?"
Kylo is surprised to hear a voice not from the black device but from behind him. He turns around and sees General Hux, his face turning red, holding a blaster straight at his head. His arm is not shaking, surprisingly. The man has his eyes focused on Kylo. But then he sees Rey and he turns the weapon towards her.
"You did this," he gasps, and he starts shooting. Rey is taken unaware, staring unblinkingly at the bolts coming towards her. Kylo is not so slow. He freezes them all in the Force and turns them towards Hux. Now the pasty general looks a mixture of frightened and confused.
He throws the blaster down and puts his hands in the air. Now, now he is shaking. "Get away from the girl, Ren," he says, "she's with the Resistance."
"It is Supreme Leader Ren. And she is with me."
The Resistance is saved and pardoned. Finn and Poe are safe, but Rey still feels like she has betrayed them by forcing them to give up General Organa.
Kylo's biological mother let go of herself to him without any physical force or actual Force needed — she hasn't heard much from him but from what she knows the General surrendered and now is in a holding cell. Kylo thrust Rey into his quarters without looking back at her. She wants to reach out to him, in the Force, but she knows that he is with his mother right now.
And Rey of Jakku may have taken Kylo Ren's hand, she may have aligned herself with the first Order, but she is Light and so she will allow him time with his mother. Somewhere in her happily-ever-after craving heart she hopes that he will understand her and let her live. Even though she knows that he will probably kill her. And then he will kill Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker, who, now, she is the enemy of as well. She and Kylo have not discussed the matter of the last Jedi yet but soon it will come up.
Oh, by Unkar Plutt, she would not have taken his hand if she knew that it came with the unbearable pain of waiting. She hates waiting. She waited on Jakku and that landed her here. Who knows where she will end up after this? It cannot be worse than this. She is evil, now, because of her disgust with waiting. And now the monster is making her do more of it. Really, it's been barely a day (or, she thinks, because there's no light in space) and she's already done. They say the Dark seduces but it seems incredibly unappealing.
Kylo's quarters are boring. They are just black, black, black. She opens his closet and his clothes are black. In his bathroom even his toothbrush is black. She loathes to open the door to his meditation room, but eventually she does. And the mask inside of it is grey, not black, which is a slightly pleasant surprise. It is ashy. It reminds her of Kylo's, and she tries to place it but she cannot.
Then she gasps. Is it —
"Darth Vader's," a strong hand sits on her shoulder, clutching tightly. She immediately whips around to see the man. Kylo Ren looks a little hassled but his features remain overly unemotional. Only his eyes and mouth change when he's raging and right now they look relatively calm. No shaking. She relaxes. What is the worst he could have done to General Organa?
And unlucky for her, the last thought is the only one that projects itself into the Force. Or maybe lucky for her. She doesn't want Kylo to know that she's been thinking about his facial features. The scar she gave him still is there, the line a crimson contrast, easy to see against his pale skin.
"The worst I could have done?" his deep voice asks. "Killed her, probably."
There is some trace of feeling leaking through his face. "But what did you do?"
"Locked her up. She'll stay in that cell but she'll stay alive."
That's not expected. Rey frowns. "When will you kill her?"
"Maybe a public execution. Maybe never, I'm not sure. If she doesn't cause any trouble I will not hurt her. Maybe I will put her on trial. Maybe."
"Can I see her?"
He starts. Then he frowns. "No. Not now. Not in the near future. She will try to turn you back to the Light."
"I am the Light."
"Then a Jedi," he rephrases patiently, "she will try to make you Jedi. You can be Light and I can be Dark but we cannot be Jedi and Sith. Those are old labels. We are not them. We're something new."
She smiles softly. "A balance."
He grasps her hand tightly. It's strange, that — his hand-holding. You would think that a Sith wouldn't show affection but he is. She looks at it but when she sees the scar again she realizes that she has projected in the Force again. Oh no.
He doesn't look mad. Simply disappointed. But not in her. He drags her over to his bed and sits her down before he does too. He takes her other hand and moves close to her — which is an invasion of her personal space, but she doesn't think he cares much for it in the first place.
"First of all," he says, "I am not Sith. I am Dark. And Skywalker never taught you the difference between Light and Dark, Jedi and Sith, did he?"
She shakes her head.
"Jedi are not allowed to love, Rey. My grandfather married his wife in secret because he was not allowed to love her. Jedi must feel some sort of universal 'compassion' for everyone — no love, no hate, everybody is the same. So Luke never could have loved you as anything but a Padawan, not as a daughter, not as family. He never loved me, for certain. Rey, I know, you think that they are the good guys. You think the Dark — you think I — am the bad guy, but this is not Jakku. There are no blacks and whites, we are all grey. Say what you will about the Sith but at least they understood that feeling love and emotion is strength, not weakness. Rey, you have always been told that good people feel love, right? Because then I am the good person! Get rid of all these archetypes. Light and Dark are not good and evil, you know. And that is why we are not the balance you think. You are not the good that balances my dark. We are both individual people opposite because of circumstance. Do you understand?"
His face has come closer throughout the whole message. He's almost panting. She doesn't really understand but the fact that his eyes are starting to turn yellow from his passionate speech (and, probably, his mother) turns her submissive. "Yes."
"You do not, do you? Do you still believe my mother is a good person?"
"But — you said it yourself, Light does not mean good or bad. It can mean either, right? So I can still think she's good. I can think you're good as well."
"Oh, no," he shakes his head. "You don't understand. Rey, how do you define a good person?"
"They help people. They try to keep people alive."
His chuckle is very condescending and she doesn't like it. "Leia Organa Solo has killed people on my side of the war too, you realize. Every ship you take out and every stormtrooper you have. The Starkiller. The Death Star. Everybody loses in war. That's why this war must end. You must help me."
"But —"
Yes, now Rey is speechless. Because what does she say to that? Her mouth hangs open for a few seconds before she closes it trying to think of a response. Kylo smirks.
"I think you're a good person," he says. "You're naive, yes, but you still believe in the good in people. That's a quality I've never had."
She tries to understand. "So . . . you're a good person?"
He tilts his head. "I don't know. Maybe it depends on what perspective you look at me with."
Now she's thoroughly confused so she changes the subject away from his mother and the Force. She will never understand the Force. "What am I to do, then? To balance? Sit here and do nothing?" she sounds cross and insolent, like a little child, she realizes. But she is one compared to him. "Wait, how old are you?"
"I'm thirty. Almost thirty-one."
"Right. So how am I supposed to balance?" but he isn't paying attention to her words. His eyes are focused on her face.
"Rey, how old are you?" he asks, a little worried.
"I'm not sure. Maybe twenty?"
His gaze is far away. "I'll ask the medic to check," he breathes. She asks the question. Again.
"Kylo, how am I supposed to help you balance the Force? I haven't exactly been doing anything here."
He snaps back to attention and smirks again. "It will come to you when it will. When it does, so not fight it."
Rey gets off the bed and puts her hand on her hips to glare at him. "Stop avoiding the question."
"I've answered it," he laughs, and she glares again.
"You're acting like Luke. Just give me the answer. What do I do? I need something to do, you know. I can't stay holed up in here for the rest of my life."
"You won't. You'll come out, and we can pitch you as some relative of mine — sister, wife, something the public will eat up. And then you can act like the crazy-force wielding maniac every Skywalker is."
"I'm no Skywalker. I don't want to be. Skywalkers are terrible people."
"Don't worry. With your Force power — if you aren't really a Skywalker, and my scientists will find out — you'll end up at the very least with children who are."
He's acting very lax and it's unnerving. "Whatever," she chooses to end the conversation and walks into the bathroom, where she observes her face in the mirror for ages, trying to see anything different in her features. Is she really a Skywalker? Maybe. Maybe someday. She wishes she was back on Jakku, sometimes. Jakku was hard and lonely but it was easy. She misses easy.
Great. Just great. Now, today, she decides to walk out and cause a scene in front of all of his generals, and he has his mother on trial. Bloody great luck.
Leia Organa is being held in place by the Force, and her back is to Rey. So she cannot see her. But her son can. Kylo smirks and beckons her forwards. But Rey shakes her head. No, she thinks, not today, not today! Weren't you the one who said I couldn't see her?
Then she grows curious. What has General Organa done to merit her a trial? If she had done nothing, she would still be inside her cell — and if she had done something truly drastic, she would be dead by now. So this must be some kind of in-between.
And now, like always, Rey's curiosity gets the better of her. She walks up the Kylo and faces the woman. She's not afraid until she remembers why she doesn't want to see the leader of the Resistance. Biting brown eyes stare at her.
"Traitor!" Leia Organa seethes, her arms struggling against Kylo's Force bonds. "You betrayed me, Rey. I offered you nothing but kindness and you repay me by choosing him!"
Rey recoils. Leia is right — she had shown Rey nothing but kindness and she has ended up in a cell. "He's your son," she gasps out.
Kylo's arm reaches out for her shoulder and squeezes tightly — not affectionately, but like he is warning her. You have said the wrong thing, she can almost imagine his face trying to get across. Oh well. Too late.
"He — is not — my son!" Oh. Her face is turning red and ugly. The woman glares at Rey with the intensity of a thousand suns. "He is not my son anymore! He stopped being my son when he killed his father! When he killed Snoke! When he — became Snoke!" her voice almost fades to a whisper at the ending and then grows strong again. "And then he stole you, Rey. You were something that could have been good for the galaxy. You would have been! You were a new hope, our only hope, and he took you too!"
Now General Leia Organa is crying. Which is something Rey cannot deal with. She tries to say something — she opens her mouth — but a cool glove squeezing her shoulder again stops her. He whispers in her ear. "We have an audience, you know. Make your introduction to the crew good, scavenger."
She can almost hear the sadism in his voice. She can't tell if he's asking for blood, a dramatic Skywalker scene, or an actual conversation with his mother, but she infers that he wants the second. Well, today this big Skywalker will not get what he wants.
Rey grabs the red lightsaber hanging from his belt and lights it up in his mother's face. Not close enough to burn, definitely, but close enough for the woman to quickly intake oxygen with her face turning even redder. Bright red doesn't suit her. "Don't turn your back on family, General. Somebody made that mistake with me and I've lived with it every day since. You keep putting your army before your family. You don't understand how lucky you are, you know. Sitting around in fancy dresses and dark lipstick every day. You're one in a billion, you know. There are planets full of people who wish they could be you. You're such a political power but you really stand for nothing. Princess of Alderaan.
"You turn your back on your family when people like me have nothing. You fight for a new future when you don't understand the real situation of the galaxy. We have nothing. Kids wake up and suffer to live while you've known money your whole life. Maybe you've got emotional torture, but you will never get what it feels like. To have the ability to turn your back on your family. I don't care how messed up your family is, you need to fix this. You need to stop bringing billions into your petty insignificant family civil war because it's worthless. You are, too.
"I thought I could respect you, General. I did. I'm really trying now, too, but I can't. For every person you try to save more die. Just stop the death. I've got it, you know. From you and Kylo. You're special because you have the Force. Well, guess what, General, the Force didn't keep me away from my marks on the walls and it didn't keep you from having no heart. Maybe Force users have eventful lives but they're not destined. They're ordinary people trying to be extraordinary.
"Don't try to be special. You're the reason everything and everyone has come to this. I try to have a heart but I think maybe you should just die and stop the struggle. Hope doesn't exist. There are two sides to every story, nothing's all good or all bad. You showed me kindness, but people died on Hosnia and also on the Death Star. Your viewpoint is done. Grow up, General."
Then she breathes. The crew is staring at her in mild disbelief, General Leia Organa is speechless, her mouth hanging open, and Kylo is standing with a smirk on his face. She looks down and sees his lightsaber still alight in her hands. I can't kill her. I'm not like you. I can't kill her.
Kylo takes the sword from her hands gently, running his thumb over her face, tracing the contours of her skin. Then, in front of the men who've witnessed Rey's large emotional rant, he slices his mother in two.
Not yet. Someday.