May 22, 2013

This was a date that would change my life forever.

This was the day my mom died.

The team had a case and mom went along as it involved Hotchner's brother and the team had a case of overreacting when their loved ones were involved. I didn't want her to go, its bad enough having one parent in the field, let alone two. The last memory I have of her is kissing her goodbye that morning as I left for school. It seemed so quick now that I looked back on it. I wish I had said I love you. I wish I hadn't have rushed. I wish… I wish…

Spencer said that Mom knew that I loved her and that she loved me. Morgan said that she loved me very much. Blake kept telling me she was sorry. JJ and Garcia didn't say much.

And Dad. Dad became very quiet. He was the one who told us, he was the one who told me that my mom was Dad. I'm the first to cry. Amber and James take a minute. Dad puts his arm round me and pulls me into a hug. He looks genuinely pained and hurt. Amber and James leave. Jason is on his way in and they were always close to him. I stay with Dad.

"I'm sorry, Jessie, I'm so sorry." He said softly, rubbing my back.

I say nothing, I can't find the words.

"Jess…"

I breathe slowly, trying to steady myself. "Dad, it wasn't your fault."

Dad doesn't say anything, he just holds me closer. The silence isn't awkward, its like neither of us know what to say. I want to see her. I need to see her. The team talk about closure all the time, giving closure to the families of the victims. Well, I'm the family of the victim now and I needed closure. I pull myself out of the hug and place my hands on Dad's arms.

"Dad…" I said, looking him straight in the eyes, He wasn't crying but his face was long and sullen, like someone had removed the life from him.

He looked down at me and I knew I looked the total opposite. My eyes were probably red and puffy from crying, my nose was probably running too. Dad placed his thumbs under my eyes and wiped the tears away.

"You want to see her, don't you?"

I nodded. "I think I need to." Was my reply.

He sighed. I don't think he really wanted me to but he knew that I wasn't going to back down. "Ok." And he led me into the mortuary.

I didn't really know what to expect. I had seen people on the table before. After mom and dad became involved, she would share the case files with me so I could 'work the case' with my dad, so death didn't disturb me. But this was my mom. This was the person who raised me, who, despite all her failings, was there for me, no matter what. We had our share of fights, especially when she was drinking, but she was my mom. And there she was, lying on the table.

I walked over to her body as Dad explained who I was to the M.E. She looked so peaceful, lying there. Her eyes were shut, and it could have been as if she was sleeping. I found her hand under the cloth and held it tightly. Tears began to form in my eyes again and I shut them tight. Dad came over and put his hands round my shoulders and I couldn't keep it in. I turned to face him and cried into his shoulder. He stood and rubbed my back. I can't remember how long we stood like that, but it was a while.

Eventually, Dad took me over to his office. I sat on the sofa and stared at my hands. Spence and JJ had seen us come in, they were in the bull pen. JJ had wanted to come over, but Spence stopped her. I was grateful. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Blake and Morgan were there too but they just watched, concerned.

"Can I go over to Mom's office?" I asked Dad, after a while. He was engrossed in a document that had been left on his desk.

"Sure." He replied. I wasn't sure if he had heard me but I left.

I walked the familiar route to Mom's office. I knew my way. It was where I grew up. I spent so many afternoons, playing in her office, doing my homework and giving mom the lowdown on what was going on in school. I had happy memories here. Even when Morgan came and confronted her about her drinking, it was somewhere I felt safe and that was where I needed to be right now. I opened the door and let myself in. There was a stack of case files on the desk, a half-drunk cup of coffee. I sat in her chair and looked at the desk. My mom wasn't neat. She had papers and case files all over the desk. Her sobriety chips were the only things arranged neatly. I smiled. She was so proud of her milestones and the progress she was making. Next to the chips was a photo of me and her. It was one that was taken at JJ and Will's wedding. Next to that was one of her and Dad, that I took when we had all gone to Princeton together. Amber and James had made it onto the desk, but they were hidden away. All my mom's memories were sat on the desk, all of the things that she was the proudest of. I opened one of the draws in her desk and gasped in amazement. It was filled with drawings and pictures that I had done while I had been sat in her office at the end of the day. I had no idea she had kept them, I just assumed that she would have thrown them out. I sat there and looked through all of them. A lot of them were me and my mom with yellow hair and potato bodies but as I got older, the more sophisticated the drawings got. She had even put the dates on the back of them. Some of them went as far back as 2006. Some of the team members made it into my drawings. There was one of me and Morgan playing baseball, one of me and Hotch and Jack outside a house, the list went on.

"Excuse me, miss?" said a voice out of the blue.

I looked up, startled out of my trance. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, but we need to look through the room." He said. I nodded and got up to leave. But just then, Hotch came into the room.

"Jessica? What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised but concerned.

"I just wanted to come and sit in here for a bit. I felt safe here when I was a kid and I thought it would help…"

"I understand." He paused, "I'm so sorry that you're going through this."

I nodded looking at the floor.

"Is your mom's laptop there?" he asked.

I nodded again.

"Can I take it?"

"Sure." I replied. "Not going help her now is it?"

He just nodded and took the laptop. 'Why don't you come back with me to the BAU?" I shrugged and followed him. We stopped by Penelope's office to drop off the laptop and she gave me a hug. I smiled a little.

We walked back through the office and I waved at Spence, he smiled back at me. But just then we heard, "Rossi, put the gun down."

Hotch told me to stay back and he went to Dad's office. He talked Dad down and I ran in.

"Dad?" I asked running over to him.

"I'm going to call the paramedics." Morgan said, and he left.

"Dad?" I asked again.

"Jess, he's been drugged."

"What? How?"

"We don't know yet, but we're going to take him to the hospital and get him looked after."

"I can't… I can't lose him too, not like this, not today. Hotch… I can't…"

"Jess?"

"Aaron… I can't breathe…" I gasped, panicking.

"Jess, you're having a panic attack, come and sit down." He led me over to the sofa and I sat next to Dad. He put his arm round me.

"Breathe, bambina, I'm going to be ok. Just breathe."

"Don't leave me, Dad, please…"

"I won't." and he kissed my forehead.

Just then, Morgan came back in. "Paramedics are here."

Hotch nodded and walked us down. He informed the EMT that I had lost my mom today and that I wanted to stay with Dad. I got into the ambulance with him and we left for the hospital.

And that was that. Dad was fine and helped the rest of the team to catch the UnSub, who ended up being killed by his own trap.

Mom's funeral was the weekend after the events of her death. Dad helped me to pick out a new dress to wear and helped me to get ready. Then he walked me down to the car where Amber and James were waiting.

The service was really beautiful and was a testament to my mom's life. I had chosen the reading with the help of Dad. It was a poem by David Harkins and it went like this;" You can shed tears that she is gone,or you can smile because she has lived. You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love that you shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her and only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back. Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

Dad then held a party at his house, or our house now, I suppose. The whole team was there, along with Jack and Will. Jack held my hand and never left my side. He became my rock, the only reason he hadn't come down when everything was going on was because he was in New York with Beth, as per his Dad's instructions. We all laughed and smiled and ate too much. The team were sharing their stories of mom and I chucked in a few of my own.

"There was this one-time, last year, shortly after Mom started seeing Dad…" I began, "I had come home from school, a mountain of school work in my bag, but I had been in gym class and I really wanted a shower." I smiled, "Mom and Dad hadn't started living together yet so occasionally, he would do 'sleepovers'" I said, making speech marks with my fingers.

"Not that there was much sleeping involved, I bet?" asked JJ.

"So true!" I smiled at Dad. He was laughing.

"Yeah, sleepover wasn't really the word for it."

"Anyway, we only had the one bathroom in our house, because it was just mom and me. I still have my headphones in and I run up the stairs. I ditch my bag in my room and, thinking that Mom is still at work, I open the bathroom door and…"

"Oh no!" said Penelope, smiling.

"No way!" said Spence and Morgan.

I nodded, "The two of them were in the shower, not showering!"

"Dave!" said Hotch, pushing his shoulder, "Seriously?"

Dad shrugged, "Erin got off work early that day, we thought we had more time before Jess got home!"

"Yeah, excuses, excuses!" I replied, "Made for a very interesting dinner that night!"

"Not as bad as the one after your mom caught you and Jack making out on the sofa!" Dad replied.

"Dad!" I gasped, looking at him.

"What?" he replied smiling, "You embarrass me, I embarrass you. I think that's what being a father is all about!"

I laughed, and the rest of the team joined in.

The conversations continued like this, for about another half hour, until Dad made a speech;

"Last year, we were all here for a very different celebration. Of life, of love and of good people. This year, it's the other side of that. Because, well, that's what families do, and it's been a hard year. But tonight, we celebrate a life well lived, well loved." He looked around the table. "To a good woman…" He looked at me, "an even better mother…" He looked at everyone else, "To our friend… who I will miss very much."

I smiled. Yes, we would miss mom lots and it would take a while for life to resume, but life had to continue. Mom wouldn't want us to stop and mourn, she'd want us to live and be happy.

THE END