I am not someone you will know for my actions. I will not be given medals of honor or any other type of recognition for some grand, heroic deed. My name will not be written on plaques or statues. Maybe in a report my name will be mentioned in a footnote: small and barely legible.

That is alright, however. I don't need that. Nobody needs it. Medals and statues and things that shine are given to people who do good things. But they are just metals melted down and reshaped. That sounds more like me. Maybe I am the trophy, or the one who makes the trophies. No one knows of the man who shapes cheap metals into awards for winners. Maybe I am the hands that present greatness. Maybe I am always meant to be on the side, in the background.

But all of that doesn't matter. I sit here with my legs outstretched and my eyes closed. I am leaning against cold metal but my insides are still fiery. The adrenaline running through my veins is not potent enough to keep my overworked body erect. My breathing isn't heavy, but it used to be.

Here is a moment. This moment is still. It exists after I inhaled but have yet to let the breath go. This is a moment of pause.

I do not cry. I have lost things to cry about. That's not true, it's more like, I forgot how to cry about them. I cried about being alone. If you asked a bystander, they would say I have cried for more than just being alone. And yes, the subject matter has been variable, but they always relate to the feeling of loneliness. Other words for it are abandonment, isolation, separation. The words are different, but they are all trying to describe the same feeling.

I do not cry. I have already accepted who I am and how the world will treat. I changed a little, however. I stopped pretending. I let myself be tired. I let my shoulders relax. The others called it "growing up". I guess, in a way, they were right.

I am a leader when I need to be. I am only a leader by default. I have never and will never be elected leader. Not enough would vote for me, even though I am capable.

There is a misconception that I hate myself, or consider myself to be worthless. At a time, that may have been true, but it was long ago. I have moved past that time. This stepping back and letting go is not a resignation of my self worth.

It's quite the opposite, actually. I stopped trying to be what others wanted. I realized who I was in relationship to this team. I am not the man who gets the glory or the genious or the diplomat. I'm not special in that way. At least, not in this universe. Either way, I accepted my role in the team.

I'm quiet, and I do as I'm told. I'm efficient, and if necessary I can and will take charge. I am a soldier, and I am not in it for the glory. And I keep fighting. Because this is bigger than me. It would be selfish not to do everything to protect the innocent.

Still, I'm tired. I'm so, so tired. There is always more to do. There is never enough time. No time to sleep. No time to go home. I will never go home. No time to doubt. No time to quit. That's the life I live, and I have accepted that.

In time, I will be forgotten. I have accepted that too.