A light mention. In this story the cast of Total Drama are in high school and the main focus of the story will be their performing a rendition of my favourite musical, "Chicago", as the school musical.
Be warned that the story's narration, very much like the story in "Chicago" will at times jump between fantasy and reality without warning so you'll have to pay attention to what you read. Of course that what is in fantasy will clearly be fantasy because it'll be very surreal at times.
Chapter I: Auditions
"Come on, babe. Why don't we paint the town...
And all that jazz.
I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down...
And all that jazz."
Heather slowly strutted across the stage as she delivered the verses of the song. Her voice was seductive and she sang with a naughtily alluring tone. She gently swayed her hips every time the line "all that jazz" escaped her lips. She made sure to take slow steps as if to leave the audience drooling even though there was only one person in the hall watching her audition, though Heather was convinced that the play's director, Courtney Duarte, was only extremely straight-laced, uptight, prudish and conservative as a way to conceal her lesbianism...which was far from the truth but Heather was still convinced it was so and figured that turning on the director would help her.
"Start the car,
I know a whoopee spot
Where the gin is cold
But the piano's HOT!"
While uttering that last word she slapped her butt in an attempt to continue her flawed plan of entrancing the director. The fact that she was wearing rather small and skimpy shorts that showed off her long legs and a small tube top with straps was also to this end. Of course Heather was a fan of dressing on the rather skanky side but even she had some decency. That night's outfit was strictly professional.
"It's just a noisy hall
Where there's a nightly brawl
And all...That...Jazz..."
At that point in the song the pianist, Trent Mayer burst into a solo which was accompanied by several brass instruments which in this case were recordings, broke into a dance break. During said dance break there were several hooks where the signers would exclaim a slight grunting noise meant to sound like a whip. This noise was in the recording and whenever it went off Heather thrust her hips forth violently in a stripper-like motion and when some drowsy trombones began to sound the girl slid forward through the stage in motions which could only be described as "cock-teasing".
"Slick your hair and wear your buckle shoes...
And all that jazz.
I hear that father dip is gonna blow the blues...
And all that jazz."
During this stanza Heather resumed her gyrating motions from the first verse.
"Yeah hold on, hun
We're gonna bunny hug
I bought some Aspirin
Down at United Drug
In case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
To do...That...
...JAZZ!"
The last word of the stanza was sung on a loud, high-pitched note that Heather had to practise for weeks to reach. But the practise paid off since during that audition she managed to hit the note with the extreme precision she sought and it sounded perfect.
As soon as she finished the high note, Courtney signaled for Trent to stop playing. The musician did so and also turned off the brass instrument recording.
"Heather, even though I think you're a terrible human being and possibly the skankiest girl in the world, I must admit that you have a fabulous voice and that this performance you just gave was stellar. You may have just won yourself the part." Courtney reluctantly announced.
"YES!" Heather exclaimed.
"I'll post the cast list on the school message board on Monday." Courtney told her.
Heather smiled and slowly walked off stage, believing that her plan to turn on the director had worked, unaware of the total logic void in it.
While the raven-haired girl walked off stage another girl was dragged on it by her friend. The girl being dragged was a pale-skinned goth. Her hair was short and had dyed blue streaks on it. She wore her usual clothing of a short skirt and black corset with high-black boots and fish-net leggings.
Her friend was a heavy-weighed young, black girl with her hair in a pony-tail.
"Come on Gwen, a deal's a deal." The friend proclaimed.
"LeShawna, that was a stupid bet anyway and I didn't really lose." Gwen defended herself.
"You said you could chop down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring and you couldn't, so you gotta audition for this musical." LeShawna said.
"But I didn't really mean it." Gwen said.
"Then why'd you try to do it?"
"I was drunk!"
"Well, drunk or not you're still doin' this." LeShawna said. "I wanna laugh."
With that, LeShawna gave Gwen a push and forced her on stage.
"Courtney?" Gwen asked, puzzled on seeing the prep in the audience with a clipboard as if she were holding the auditions.
"Oh, hello Gwen." Courtney grumbled.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm holding the auditions." Courtney answered. "Duh..."
"Who died and made you boss?" Gwen snorted.
"The old drama teacher, Mr. Milk." Courtney answered, a bit saddened. "He got hit by a bus."
"Oh, I'm sorry." Gwen apologized.
Courtney cleared her throat.
"Now Gwen, just because we used to be friends doesn't mean I'll give you any special treatment on the auditions." Courtney declared.
"I don't even want special treatment. I don't want to be in the play, I'm just here as part of a bet." Gwen said.
"Really?"
Then, malicious thoughts began to fly through Courtney's head.
"Well, then sing and let's get this over with." Courtney said.
"OK Gwen, that's enough." Courtney said, interrupting Gwen's singing.
The goth girl nodded and stepped off stage.
"Trent, take five." Courtney said.
"Sure thing, Miss Duarte." Trent said, teasing her for her boss-like attitude.
Courtney recognized the joke and smiled at him as he left. Courtney wasn't the friendliest of people and she had lost a lot of friendships during the eighth grade but Trent and her other best friend, Bridgette, had always been there for her.
Left alone in the auditorium, Courtney began to ponder her thoughts out loud.
"Hmm, Gwen's a decent singer. Could do with some polishing but it's good enough. Should I purposely include her in the musical for making me an object of ridicule during the eighth grade? Something that nobody ever let me live down until the tenth grade?" Courtney thought. "Oh definitely. She made me a laughing stock for no reason, well I'm doing the same."
"Well Princess, I never would've thought you could be so evil."
Courtney turned around to see an unpleasant sight. The boy with the short, scruffy dark hair which up until last year had been crowned with a Mohawk...Duncan Lydon. As usual, he wore a black skull-laden shirt, dark blue jeans and red converse sneakers.
"What do you want, Duncan?" She asked.
"He wants to be at home but due to the fact that he spray painted the words 'Principal Faggot' across my house's west outer-wall, he's being punished by being the main stage-hand and director's assistant of this play." The Principal said as he walked in after Duncan.
"But Principal Flaggot, he'll ruin everything." Courtney complained.
"No he won't, because you'll be assessing him and if he doesn't get his work done by the deadline you set you'll report to me and I'll punish him." Principal Flaggot explained.
"None of your punishments can scare me, Principal Faggot." Duncan said.
"Stop calling me that!" The principal screamed. "Plus, I called the Super Intendent and he agreed to let me use this when punishing you..."
The principal pulled out a book that read "Secondary School Punishment Handbook – 1826 Issue".
"That's right, the punishments on this baby were illegal for human rights violations in all countries in the world except Argentina where the Kirchner government re-legalized them in 2006, but now I managed to temporarily de-penalize them for special use on you, Mr. Lydon." The Principal explained. "So you better do your work."
"Yes sir." Duncan moaned.
The Principal left and just then Trent came in with his guitar and with some other kid close behind. A redhead, bottle-cap glasses wearing little guy.
"Hey dorko." Duncan said.
"Shut up, idiot." The kid said.
"So, Harold. You're auditioning?" Courtney asked.
"Yeah and I asked Trent to play a special song." Harold said as he stepped on stage.
The redhead pulled a tape out of his pocket and tossed it over to Trent who put it in the stereo right before pulling out his electric guitar and getting ready to play.
"Alright, go ahead." Courtney said, sitting down on an audience chair.
"This is a sci-fi rock song." Harold announced.
"Oh fuck." Duncan whined.
Trent hit play on the recording and then began to strum with his guitar. A rock melody and riff was emitted across the auditorium and the dork prepped himself.
Lights flashed and Harold stood on stage wearing a bizarre and almost alien-like suit. It was a top and pants that had matching vertical orange, white and green stripes. The top had golden shoulder spikes and a V-neckline. On his feet were red knee-high boots. His orange hair was now feathered and reached his shoulders.
Mist floated low on the stage and as the intro progressed a microphone emerged from the mist, slowly rising until it was at face-level with Harold just as the singing part began.
"Ziggy played guitar
Jamming good with Weird and Gilly
And the Spiders From Mars."
Harold pulled the microphone off its mike-stand and the stand slowly lowered itself back into the msit until it completely disappeared into the stage floor.
"He played it left hand
But made it too far.
Became the special man.
Then we were Ziggy's band."
Harold smiled as the Klingon warriors burst through the auditorium doors, cheering and howling madly until they filled all seats and chanted as they heard their favourite musician play. He was in the nerdiest joy possible.
"Ziggy really sang,
Screwed up eyes and screwed down hair-do
Like some cat from Japan."
As he sang the nerd slowly began to lean on his left leg, flexing it and beginning to slide down until his right lef was totally extended and his left was completely flexed and his knee was resting on the stage ground. He rested his right hand on the stage to support himself and moaned slightly as he sang.
"He could lick 'em by smiling.
He could leave 'em to hang.
They came on so loaded man,
Well hung and snow-white tan.
Harold stood up in an up-right position and waited for a second. He violently thrust his arms up to a V position and flames exploded from the center front of the stage, lighting up the whole place. All lights came on, revealing a backdrop painted entirely like a solar system. The plants in it moved and orbited around a brightly glowing, sun-shaped reflector.
"So where were the Spiders
While the fly tried to break our balls?
Just the beer light to guide us
So we bitched about his fans
And should we crush his sweet hands?"
Harold dropped the mike and then punched the air in front of him
"OH!"
The entire audience roared. In the back, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker dropped their light sabers and instead pulled out lighters which they light and began to wave back and forth. Soon the whole audience did this as Trent, dressed in an Battlestar Galactica flight-suit began a brief guitar solo. Due to time constraints and the sheer fact that this story's writer is sick of descriptions for now, the song skipped to the final line.
"Ziggy played GUITAR!"
Harold sung the final and extended high note with great ease and as soon as he did he was back in his regular clothes. The mike was back on the mike-stand. Trent's astronaut suit had disappeared, so did the moving backdrop and the sci-fi character audience. All of it had gone, receding to the darkest depths of Harold's and Sheldon Cooper's imaginations.
Harold looked at the auidence and was shocked to see Courtney and Duncan laughing their asses off.
"GOSH! You guys wouldn't be able to tell talent if it punched you in the face."
Courtney wiped off the tears of laughter from her eyes and managed to choke out.
"H-Harold, we're not l-l-laughing at your singing. You sang pretty well. We're l-l-laughing at the p-p-performance you gave."
"What performance?"
"Y-y-you were h-humping the mike-stand, dude!" Duncan screamed and both him and Courtney burst into laughter again.
"The c-cast list will be p-p-p-posted on Monday!" Courtney said between laughs.
"LeShawna, what are you doing here?" Gwen asked as she stepped into the drama room and saw her friend inside.
"Well this is where the people who auditioned are supposed to wait in order to see what parts they get." LeShawna answered.
The drama room was filled with people who had auditioned, all of them were waiting for the cast lists to be posted. There were two lists, one for the main cast and another for chorus singers and back-up dancers. It was after class time.
"You auditioned?" Gwen asked, bewildered.
"Hey, I heard 'bout the part of Matron Morton and she sounded like a sista' with a real attitude. So I decided to try out for it." LeShawna explained. "What are you doin' here? I thought you didn't want any parts?"
"I don't but the Principal insisted that everybody who auditioned had to come here or else I'd get shipped off to Finland." Gwen explained.
"Can he really do that?"
"Apparently under last week's education reform he can." Gwen said.
They heard the door open and turned around to see Courtney come in.
"Alright everyone the cast lists are up." She announced.
Right before she could move away the entire crowd ran for the door and dragged her out in a vicious stampede.
The first student to get there then read the main cast list:
Velma Kelly– Heather Satana
Roxie Hart– Gwen Daly
Billy Flynn – Noah Stein
Amos Hart– Harold Picard
Matron "Mama" Morton– LeShawna Wallace
Mary Sunshine– Bridgette Beachley
"Who got the lead?" Somebody asked.
"Heather Satana, she got Velma Kelly." The guy in the front announced.
"YES!" Heather exclaimed in joy.
"Who's got Roxie Hart?" Somebody asked.
"Gwen Daly."
"WHAT?" Heather and Gwen both exclaimed in shock.
"I have to star with her?" Heather exclaimed angrily.
"I have to star?" Gwen retorted.
"Oh yes Gwen, and you can't back out because school policy dictates that anybody who gets a role has to perform it even if it's one they didn't want." Courtney said, maliciously.
"But I didn't want ANY roles!"
"...Which means you didn't want this role either, but you still have to do it." Courtney said. "I mean, you sang very well. I think there's nobody who could do it better here."
Gwen glared at Courtney and then stormed off.
"Who got Billy Flynn?"
"It says 'Noah Stein'."
"Who got the other lead roles?"
"Billy Flynn goes to Noah Stein, Amos to Harold Picard, Matron Morton is played by LeShawna Wallace and Mary Sunshine by Bridgette Beachley."
"Oh man, all the lead roles got filled in by people who in an alternative reality are all part of the same reality show as Courtney. That is so biased!" Somebody yelled.
"Courtney, why exactly did you give Gwen the role of Roxie?" Trent asked.
The two were walking down the deserted hall towards the exit.
"I had several reasons. Mainly you heard that Gwen could sing reasonably well."
"Is this to humiliate her for 'the incident'?" Trent asked.
"Well yes, it is because of that too."
"That's a bit selfish."
"I did it for selfless reasons too. I know how much you like Gwen." Courtney said. "This will give you some time with her. Maybe you can woo her. Put on your old Trent charm."
Trent looked away and turned a little red.
"I don't have a Trent charm."
"Hey, you got me to date you, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but we only went out five times."
"Still, you can get a girl. It's just that I wasn't the right one. Maybe Gwen will be. Just don't hang out with her when you're hanging out with me." Courtney said.
They were then approached by a tall Jamaican kid.
"Court, did you check out the backdrop I painted?" DJ asked.
"It was excellent DJ." Courtney said. "You now officially have the position of set designer for the school's representation of 'Chicago'."
They were then approached by a short, brown-haired, buck-toothed boy.
"Cody, that lighting scheme you sent me matches everything I needed. You are now the play's lighting director."
"Yes!"
They were then joined by a tall, well-endowed blonde girl.
"Carrie, did you get that costume I made?"
"My name's Courtney and Lindsay even though I always figured you were pretty useless, that costume was perfect, to the last detail. You are now my official costume designer."
"YAY!"
The giddy blonde hugged the brunette and smile in joy while the other girl grumbled and after a brief while pulled her off.
"Alright Princess, what am I gonna do?" Duncan asked as he stepped near.
"You're gonna cue all stage things like I say so so the play comes out without a stitch, got it?" Courtney stated.
"Aye, aye captain."
"Alright gang, we're gonna put on the best play ever and we're gonna kick ASS!" Courtney yelled. "Andrew Lloyd Webber is gonna roll in his grave!"
"Andrew Lloyd Webber isn't dead." Trent cleared.
"He will be after we pull this off! Right?" She exclaimed.
"Sir, yes sir!" He entire crew replied as they walked out of the school, following her.
Well, what do you think? This is only the first chapter so it isn't very funny, but it'll get better. Tell me what you think about the song descriptions.
Tell me if this story is worth continuing.
Tell what you can.
If you're wondering about the characters' last names:
Courtney got named Duarte after the infamous Argentine feminist political figure Eva Duarte de Perón.
Gwen is named Daly because it's a variation on Dalí, the last name of Salvador Dalí, the famous Spanish surrealist painter.
Heather is named after Japanese actress Tura Satana, plus it sounds like Satan.
Trent is Mayer, named after John Mayer.
Harold was named Picard after Star Trek character Jean-Luc Picard.
Noah has the name Stein because of dead-pan writer, lawyer and entertainer Ben Stein.
Bridgette is named Beachley after former female surfer Layne Beachley. Plus it sounds like Beach.
LeShawna got named Wallace after rapper Christopher George Latore Wallace (a.k.a. The Notorious B.I.G.)
Duncan got named Lydon after punk rocker, lying bastard and total hypocrite (just like Duncan), John Lydon (a.k.a. Johnny Rotten).