Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I do not make any money from these writings
Author's Note; I absolutely love these two together and quite honestly, I hate James Potter. He's an asshole. But I won't start any rants. This is going to be longer than I thought. It was originally going to be one chapter, but instead, I will make it...two or three, no longer than that though. The next chapter is going to pretty much just a bunch of smut. I warn you, this will not have a happy ending because...I don't do happy endings most of the time. xD I'm a depressive moron, so what? I really hope you al like this. I'm not sure if you will, but meh. It's my first story so I have an excuse. xD
Song that suits this chapter/story; Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park.
From Severus' point of view.
"We can't see each other anymore, Severus."
The words had stung more than anything. Severus had no idea where to look; all he knew was he could not look at her, too afraid of what he might see, too afraid that if he saw tears glistening her eyes, tears might just glisten in his. He knew that she was staring at him, her large emerald orbs full of...well; he wasn't sure what they were full off considering he refused to look her way. All he knew was he could feel her intent stare, practically hear her silent begs and pleads to look at her, to at least show her some sign that he cared, perhaps even stop her. He wanted to do these things. A voice in his head was calling him a complete idiot for not doing these things. He couldn't though; what sort of man would that make him? What sort of Slytherin would that make him; to beg a Gryffindor not to leave him?
She wasn't just a Gryffindor though. This was Lily Evans. This was the woman he loved; the only woman he had loved and my god, he had been in love with her for so long now. It had always felt so strong; the days he used to watch her doing magic, but never actually approached her. The times they spent together before going to Hogwarts, learning about magic together, her being there for him when his parents neglected him, her offering him the affection that no one else ever had, being nice to him when no one else bothered. Hogwarts had fucked everything up though, with their stupid house rivalries. His Slytherin friends had fucked everything up – if you could even call them friends, with their stupid beliefs. James Potter had fucked everything up by swooping in and sweeping Lily off of her feet. It wasn't just them though. Severus knew he was to blame too; it had been him that had called her a mud blood that fatal day, hadn't it? It had been him who had laughed whenever his friends mocked her. It was him, standing here now, making no attempt to stop her from leaving.
He knew where she would be going when she left too; back to her new lover, back to Potter. Gone were the days when Lily used to sit cross legged on the grounds of Hogwarts, bitching about James and vowing that she would never touch him with a ten foot barge pole. Somehow, James had managed to convince her he was actually worth her love. What a ridiculous thought. If he had been in a better situation, he might have sneered at the thought. He was still very tempted to now, but he managed to hold back. He knew James was the reason they couldn't see each other anymore. James...and Severus' involvement with a name people were beginning to fear. He and Lily were from two opposite worlds now. They were both fresh out of school, her soon-to-be nineteen, him only just nineteen and they were going their separate ways. She wanted to fight the good fight...he was moving closer and closer to the bad side as the days went by. They might even have to fight each other one day. The thought made him shudder. It wasn't as if he wanted to be involved anymore, but once you got involved, you couldn't just walk away. You could never just walk away from him. Then there was the whole jealousy factor; James didn't like Lily near Severus. It was a common fact that James and Severus hated each other. It was ridiculous! Where did James get off telling her who she could and couldn't see? Why, if she was his girl – if she was his girl, he would probably do the same and tell her that he didn't want near James.
His shoulders slumped and he knew that there was nothing he could do; nothing he could say. He knew this had been coming; he had been waiting for it for so long, but hoping, praying that it would not come. However, every day that passed, his and Lily's friendship grew thinner and thinner, holding onto nothing but a thin piece of string and that string was about to break. This was inevitable.
"Severus, please look at me." Her voice was so pleading and it shook slightly – was she close to crying? Oh god, the thought of her flawless, pale face having tears streaming down it...he had seen her cry before. Those times Petunia had taken the arguments too far, that time when the doctors had thought her mother had cancer, the time he called her a mud blood and begged for forgiveness...oh yes, he had seen her cry so many times and each time, it tore at his heart. Yanked at it and tugged at it, clenched it into a fist and then stretched it just to add more pain. He couldn't deny her though and eventually, after taking in a deep breath, he turned his head to look at her. His eyes were hard at first, sharp and glaring in her direction. And then he saw that her eyes were glistening; she was close to crying. His shoulders slumped dejectedly and his face softened, top teeth biting down on her bottom lip.
Even with tears in her eyes, she was gorgeous. Her hair was as neat as ever, flowing down her back and wrapping over her shoulders like a main of fire. Her emerald eyes were brighter than ever, drawing him in, making his heart thud harder against his chest, just like they always did, and making his stomach clench in knots. She was the only female capable of making him feel like this. She would probably always be the only female ever able to make him feel like this. "Lily, please." His voice sounded so unlike him and the two words left his lips before he could even realize what he was saying.
The pleading whisper broke Lily's own heart. She loved James Potter; she truly did, but she was not in love with him. She had known for a long time that she was and always would be in love with Severus. So many things about him irritated her; the fact he would never cut his hair, the annoying hair that hid his beautiful eyes. The fact he refused to show emotion, the fact he was so goddamn stubborn and would never admit that he was wrong. The fact nothing was ever his fault, he always tried to find someone else to blame. But there were so many things that she adored; his smile, the way his eyes sparkled when he dared to smile, the way his eyes softened every time he looked at her, the way he would wrinkle his nose up if she said something he didn't like, the way he would never hesitate to take her petite hand in his large one if she were upset...his good qualities definitely overcame his bad ones. Yes, she was in love with Severus Snape. She could never be with him though. She had known for a long time that it would never work; they were from two different worlds. They were the beauty and the beast – despite the fact he was a very handsome man – except without the happy ending. He would never turn out to be her prince.
"Sev, you have to understand. James and I are happy. We are. It's not fair on any of us, especially you, if we were to remain close. You're always going to want more and I can't give you that." This wasn't the first time they had spoken about their feelings. It was the second. It had taken them forever to even admit it to each other. Severus had plucked up the courage to tell her one night, during seventh year. There had been a party in the Slytherin Common Room and it was safe to say that he had drunk a little bit of courage – courage being fire whiskey. He hadn't even meant to tell her. He had stumbled into her and they had argued at first. He had asked her what she was doing and she had demanded to know why he cared. They hadn't been getting on for ages. One thing led to another and he had somehow kissed her. It hadn't been romantic like they had both imagined so many times. It had been sloppy and he had missed her mouth. She had told him that he smelt like the Leaky Cauldron. She had asked him what he thought he was doing and that his actions were inappropriate. He had told her that he loved her. They'd kissed and then...just as he'd pushed her against the wall, she had pulled away. She had told him they couldn't do this. She had told him that no less than an hour ago...she had given into James Potter and they were slowly becoming an item. She had apologized and left, leaving him then dumbstruck. He hadn't spoken to her for two months. Every time she tried, he would walk away. Eventually, he had started to miss her and approached her. He had tried to convince her James was a pathetic wanker who didn't deserve and then she didn't talk to him for two months.
They never spoke about that night and they certainly never spoke about their feelings again. Until now.
"Well, I wouldn't to ruin your happiness." Severus spat the words out as if he had a bad taste in his mouth. Honestly. He couldn't help. What did she expect? Had she really come here to tell him they couldn't see each other again and to flaunt her happiness at him? What did Potter have that he didn't?
"Please don't be like that." Lily was whispering now and she took a step forward. The moment she did, he took a step back. He didn't want her to come too close. They had been close before. They had hugged as friends. They had sat together, she had even sat on his lap, but during those times...during those times, he had been living off of the fact there was always a chance that one day, they would be together. Right now, right here, he knew there was no chance and he could not stand the thought of her being so close to him and him unable to reach out and hold her, too scared of rejection, too scared she would push him away. Just like everyone else he had loved in his life, such as his parents.
Lily noticed the way he moved back and hung her head down, eyes staring at the carpeted floor of Severus' house. She was still currently living with her parents – though looking for a place with James, something she had failed to tell Severus. Some things he didn't need to know. However, Severus was living free and on his own. He had been since leaving school. Before coming back for his seventh year, his alcoholic father had told him never to come back and Severus didn't. He spent his whole year at Hogwarts, taking no holidays and searching for somewhere to live before he left. Thankfully, he found a place. It wasn't anything special, but it was all he could afford and it was...peaceful. No longer did he have to listen to his parent's arguing or their ridicule towards him. Her bare feet – shoes off at the door in Severus' place – shuffled around, feeling the carpet underneath her toes, trying to focus on something. "Aren't you happy for me?" She whispered, finally looking back up at him. She was his friend. She was happy. Didn't that mean he was pleased for her?
"Happy?" Severus repeated the word in an incredulous way. "Lily, you may ask me to do a lot of things. You may ask me to pretend that I do not care, you may ask me to nod and agree and you may ask me never to contact you again, but you know, you know that I cannot be happy for you. Potter is nothing but a selfish git. You can do so much better, you can – "
"I will not stand here and listen to you insult him!" She was angry now. The pleading look had faded from her eyes and she was glaring at him, her eyebrows knitted down into a frown. "James is a good man and he treats me right! I know he might not be perfect and believe me, I understand that you have your reasons to dislike him – "
"The boy bullied me for years on end for pleasure." His tone was nothing but a drawl, monotone and emotionless as he reminded her of what her precious boyfriend had done to him for so many years.
Lily fell silent and bit on her bottom lip. One hand lifted, slender fingers running through her waves of hair, gripping at them tighter than usual as she tried to think of what to say. There was nothing she could say. This conversation was hurting her just as much as it was hurting him. She remembered the day he had kissed her drunkenly, the day he had told her he was 'irrevocably in love with her'. If only he had done so a day earlier; an hour earlier. Things could have been so different. It could be James she was standing here with, telling him never to – no! What on earth was she thinking? She loved James. Yes. She did.
She just loved Severus more.
"I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry. I just wanted to tell you to your face..." She took a step back, before turning completely, moving towards the door.
Severus didn't want her to leave. He knew it was for the best, but he didn't want her to. "Lily, wait – "He moved forward without thinking and his strides were a lot longer than her petite steps. Within seconds he was behind her and his hand had snaked forward, snatching hold of her wrist to stop her from walking out that door, to stop her from walking away from him and out of his life for good.
Lily turned around, looking rather shocked at the sudden physical contact. She didn't pull her wrist away though. All she could do was stare at him, almost begging him to let her go. "Severus." She whispered. There was something different in her voice now; she sounded as if she cared for him. As if she loved him. She sounded hurt and her voice sounded strained, as if she were forcing herself to do this. "Please don't make this any harder than it is. I'm with James."
Severus wasn't sure what to say. "Why? You hated him for so long. What suddenly changed? I mean...I don't understand!" He let go of her wrist, turning his back on her while both hands lifted to rest on the back of his head, his eyes closing as he breathed deeply, trying to ignore everything that was happening. He wanted to gain control before he said something he regretted, before he said the truth. The truth that he had only spilt once and had vowed never to spill again.
"He changed." Lily had tried to tell him this so many times, but Severus refused to accept it. He would never believe James to be a good man. James didn't deserve respect. "You know I would not have put up with him if he was the way he used to be. He's different now. He is a nice person, he is a great – "She stopped because she could tell by the way Severus' hands had moved away from his hair to cover his ears that he did not care, that he was not listening. She licked her bottom lip nervously before moving forward. She hadn't wanted to bring this up, but she knew she had to. "Is this about what you told me? Do you still – "
Severus spun around, staring at her with a slightly horrified, offended look on his face. "No." He quickly lied, but the lie was so easy to see.
"You can't keep avoiding it, Severus." Lily was determined. He had brushed this topic away so many times and she had let him, but not this time. Not anymore. They were going to face up to it; he was going to face up to it. She would make him. "You told me you loved me; I can't just – "
"I was drunk." Severus hissed. His words were cruel and he intended for them to be. Right now, he wanted to hurt her as much as she was hurting him. He knew he would regret it and already he was feeling bad, but he couldn't help himself. He took two strides forward, standing so close to her, she had to look up at him – he was much taller than her – and she could feel the heat emitting off of his body. He glared down at her over his hooked nose, hair falling over his eyes. She wanted to reach up and push it away, but she didn't. His lips were pursed, making his cheek bones look more defined than they already were. He looked angry, hurt...and quite honestly, he looked as if he hated her.
"So...you didn't mean it?" Her voice was timid. She looked crest fallen and her eyes were glistening again. She knew she should be relieved to hear that he didn't love her. That made things easier, didn't it? But she didn't. She felt...she felt as if he had just hit her in the face. It felt horrible. Her gut sank and a lump made it hard for her to swallow.
Severus saw the hurt in her eyes and immediately regretted being mean. He wanted to tell her that no, he didn't mean it, just so they could be done with this madness. He couldn't though. Seeing that look in her eyes...did that mean she wanted him to feel like that? Why? Did she enjoy his affection; did the thrill of having two men after her excite her? Or...or did she want him to love her because she in return loved him? "I meant every word." His voice was husky as he whispered his words so quietly they were barely audible.
Lily didn't know what to say. She just stared at him. Now relief was washing over her and that was when she realized it was a mistake to come here; it was a mistake to put herself in such a vulnerable position. It was a mistake to bring this whole conversation up, but it was too late to go back now. "Severus...we can't...you know it wouldn't work. We would only end up hurting each other, we – "
"I know." He didn't want her to carry on. She would only say what he thought. They could never work out. She was right. Even if she didn't end up hurting her, he would end up hurting him. "I know all of this. I've known it for a long time now. But that doesn't change a thing. Lily, I lo – "
"Don't." Lily shook her head. Her heart was thumping in her chest. Her palms were growing sweaty. She was feeling so many emotions right now and she didn't know which one to deal with first. All she knew was she couldn't stand to hear him say those three little words. If he did...she wasn't sure if she would be able to walk away.
Severus hung his head down, avoiding eye contact with her. Her mind was made up and he knew there was no changing it. When she had come here tonight to tell him that they could not see each other again, she meant it. She would not be coming back after this. This was the last time he was going to see her; the last time he would see her eyes light up, the last time he would see her smile. Except she wasn't even doing that. Looking back up, all he could do was watch her and slowly, his hand lifted. It brushed hair away from her eyes, before resting on her cheek, thumb brushing a fallen tear away. "I won't say it." He reassured her. If she didn't want to hear it, he wouldn't tell her. "But tell me one thing. If I had told you sooner...would things...have been different? Would we have been different?"
Lily's eyes closed and she felt herself leaning into her hand, nuzzling his palm. His question rung around in her ears and after a few moments, her eyes opened, staring at him. "Maybe. But...I guess we'll never know." She took a step back, clearing her throat, hands lifting to rub her damp cheeks dry. "I should go. My mother will be wondering where I am." She whispered. Moving forward, one hand leant against his chest and she leant up on tip toes, her lips pressing softly against his cheek.
His own eyes close as he felt the warmth of mouth so close to his, but yet so far away. This was killing him. It was destroying him. Was this really going to be the last time he saw her; the last chance he ever got? Something inside of him seemed to...change suddenly. If this was their last moment, then he had to do something. He had to just take a risk, take a chance. He had to at least look back and say he tried rather than just let her go without a fight. Just as she was pulling away, Severus' hand lifted and he snatched the back of her head in his grip. His fingers curled into the red mane, gripping it tightly and yanking her face towards his. His lips crushed against his rather roughly, his eyes shutting tight and she whimpered underneath him. She wriggled, her hands lifting and pressed against his chest, trying to push him away, but he was a lot stronger than her.
It wasn't that she didn't want this. It was that she did want this. She shouldn't be doing it. She couldn't do it to James. But oh god, his lips were so warm, so needing and so...no, James was the one she was with. James was the one she had decided to stay with. Severus refused to let her go though; he had seen that shimmer of emotion in her eyes and he knew there was something there, there was – "Fuck!" He hissed as Lily pelted her fist into one his shoulders. His hand released her hair and he stumbled back. His own lips were sore from how desperate and rough his kiss had been.
Lily's hand lifted to cover her mouth and she just stared him, looking completely horrified.
Severus felt crushed. She hadn't wanted it. Clearly he had just imagined the shimmer of emotion to make himself feel better, to comfort himself. "Lily, I – "But that was all he said, because he hadn't realized how wrong he was. Before he had a chance to finish his sentence, Lily had let her hand fall away from her mouth and she had moved quickly towards him. One arm wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him down to her and her own lips smashed against his in a longing kiss – a kiss she had spent forever holding back. She knew it was wrong, she knew she shouldn't be doing it, but the passion she felt for Severus was so strong and she had spent so long ignoring it.
Sometimes when you caged the beast, the beast was more vicious once it was finally released.
This was one of those cases.
Author's Note; Okay so that's the first chapter! And the second chapter will be continuing on straight from this chapter and yes it will be the smuttiest chapter out of all three (if there even after three). Please review. I have no idea if I even like this.