Hey guys! im currently working on their first time fic and this piece was supposed to be incorporated into it as a flashback but it got a little too long and didn't really flow with the rest of the fic so im posting it separately instead- basically just going through their minds and what they were feeling etc- something I wanted to delve into to get a better understanding of their emotions during their first time. Hope you enjoy!
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
― Jalaluddin Rumi
Alex went in for another kiss, gripping Maggie's face delicately in her hands and Maggie's eyes squeezed shut in slight surprise at Alex's boldness. She gave in to the kiss for a few breathless moments but eventually pulled back with a sigh, nervous again. As much as she wanted to continue what they were doing, she hadn't come her just to kiss Alex- she had come to talk. She had spent hours thinking about what she would say to Alex once she had finally kissed her. She took Alex's hand in hers, walking them over to the couch- Alex following her willingly.
Maggie sat them down facing each other, placing a deliberate gap between their bodies so she could try to focus. Alex just watched Maggie- she was still feeling dizzy from the kiss and Maggie's declaration.
"You like me," she repeated in awe and Maggie chuckled again, full of affection. But she was still so scared. She gulped and looked at Alex softly, more serious than before.
"I do." And Alex's eyes were flickering all over Maggie's face, a million thoughts going through her mind.
"When did you-," she paused, fumbling in her nervousness, changing the question, "-did you like me…when I first kissed you?" She had to know, because it would change a lot of things for her. Maggie paused looking down-she was prepared for this question- she had thought long about what she would say. She took a deep breath before looking back up and nodding softly and Alex exhaled.
"I didn't let myself consider it then but… I did." Maggie could see the question in Alex's eyes. "I was trying to protect myself and… you and…our friendship." She looked down again before continuing. "I meant it when I said that I didn't want to imagine my life without you in it- I thought staying friends would ensure that."
As composed as she seemed, Alex knew that Maggie was feeling incredibly nervous and vulnerable right now- Alex had never seen her like this before and it made her heart feel like it was going to beat straight out of her chest. She just wanted to wrap Maggie in her arms but she knew there were things Maggie wanted to say- and there were things she needed to say too.
"What changed?" Alex was close to breathless as she asked.
You, Maggie wanted to say. How much I like you- how I can't just be friends with you. How you make me want to be brave. She wanted to say so much.
"I… I'm taking a risk' she uttered instead-almost a whisper, vulnerable and Alex felt the whole meaning of it wash over her. Maggie was saying what she felt for Alex was worth the risk- was bigger than her fears.
Maggie was still terrified. Alex had so much power over her and it wasn't her fault she was in this position where she was only just starting to experience these sorts of feelings for real. Maggie knew Alex still had a lot to learn about relationships but Alex saw it so much clearer than that.
Alex knew Maggie was worried because Alex didn't have any experience or because she thought Alex wasn't looking for something serious like she was and Alex wanted to get rid of all her fears. She wanted Maggie to know how serious she was about this- how deep she was.
She took Maggie's nervous hands in hers, looking her in the eyes. "I know I told you today that this wasn't about you but…" she took a deep breath, gathering her courage, "if I'm honest with myself… it is- about you- how you make me feel- and… I know you're scared because of my inexperience b-but I don't think that matters. I know you're looking for commitment and so am I. I- I've never been interested in-in one-night stands or- or casual dating-or anything like that," she made a face as she mentioned these things before softening, "-and that hasn't changed now that I've come out." She paused a beat. "I just want you." She watched Maggie's face as she said the words and she saw the doubt. She continued. "It's not just because you're a woman- it's because of you- who you are Maggie- and I'm not gonna give you up when I've found you after so long. I'm not taking this lightly."
Alex knew she was nervous but she hadn't planned on unleashing all that on Maggie. She cursed herself internally at her inability to stop rambling in front of Maggie. Maggie had only just told her she liked her and here she was practically proposing- she was scared that Maggie was going to push away at her intensity. But everything she had just said was true and she didn't want Maggie thinking otherwise- she knew Maggie was worried about this.
Maggie had been silent throughout Alex's speech- she was overwhelmed at Alex's ability to read all her insecurities so well. There were things Maggie hadn't told Alex yet but it felt like Alex could still see into her soul.
She looked up into Alex's earnest eyes. "I know you're not," Maggie sighed. She knew Alex meant every word she said but sometimes people changed without meaning to. And Maggie knew that even the most well-intentioned person could break a heart.
She paused for a moment, carefully considering what she wanted to tell Alex. "Can we take things one step at a time," she started gently. "I don't want to put pressure on you or this relationship." She could see Alex wanted to protest but she continued. "I heard you and I trust your intentions- just as I hope you trust mine." She interlaced her fingers with Alex's, squeezing, desperately wanting Alex to understand what she was saying so there was less chance of either of them getting hurt. "I just don't want you to feel stuck to what you're feeling now. I want you to know that I understand that things can change- feelings can change- and whether they grow or disappear I won't ever hold it against you."
Alex's eyebrows furrowed at the mention of her feelings disappearing and she moved closer instinctively. "Mine aren't going to disappear," she said immediately even though she knew Maggie was asking her not to make exactly these kinds of promises. Alex couldn't help herself speaking this truth because she knew herself- and she knew Maggie. Maybe not her whole life story yet but she could read people and she knew Maggie's heart- her motivations and her goodness. And she was falling hopelessly for her. And unless Maggie's heart changed dramatically, she knew that her feelings wouldn't disappear.
She knew Maggie was just trying to protect herself by saying all these things. But she wanted Maggie to know that she was here to catch all her fears. "They won't," she said again, softer now at the look in Maggie's eyes.
Maggie ducked her head lightly at Alex's words, unable to shake off the way the way Alex's strong conviction made her heart race. She looked back up into Alex's earnest eyes and Alex could see that there was a simmering hope in them, but also great fear. She turned Maggie's hand in hers, caressing her palm with her thumb.
"But we can take it slow," she said softly, worried about pushing Maggie away with her intensity.
And Maggie couldn't help but chuckle at that because she knew deep down that Alex was incapable of taking things as slow as Maggie was asking her to. But Maggie was slowly realising with each day that maybe that wasn't a bad thing. Alex had already broken past the barriers she had put up to protect herself and it seemed like neither her own cautiousness or Alex's placating words was going to stop what was happening between them.
Alex allowed herself to smile too, relieved that Maggie was feeling light enough to laugh.
"What," she whispered softly, wanting to know what had caused that beautiful laugh. Maggie looked at her a moment, considering her fondly. Alex with her hair pinned back in her cute pyjamas- Maggie was finding it hard to stay focused on the conversation.
"Nothing," she smiled. "We'll take it slow," Maggie repeated Alex words softly.
Alex could tell that Maggie was tired- it was late and she had had a rough day. Alex felt her insides warm at the fact that Maggie had felt the urgency to see her now rather than wait until tomorrow.
They both looked at each other and Alex swallowed as she took in the moment- she was finding it hard to believe that Maggie was actually here, sitting this close to her. Everything suddenly felt so much more real now that they had spoken. Alex's eyes flickered down from Maggie's eyes to her lips and she leaned forward slowly now as if asking permission- and this time Maggie met her halfway. And Alex felt her entire being shift somehow. The previous kisses had been nervous and impulsive, but this one was heavier and more intense- it felt more important.
Alex felt goosebumps erupt on her skin when Maggie's lips touched hers- and she knew Maggie was feeling it too with the way she was sighing into her mouth. They were actually kissing. Maggie was kissing her. Kissing her so tenderly, hands cupping her face gently- as if she thought Alex would break. And Alex couldn't get enough.
Too soon for Alex, Maggie pulled back with a sigh, her lips in her mouth, as if tasting the remnants of the kiss. She lifted her gaze to meet Alex's glazed eyes. She exhaled, trying to calm herself down, not wanting to take this too far tonight- they were meant to be going slow.
"The pizza's gonna get cold," Maggie finally whispered teasingly into the space between them. Alex just kept looking at her as if she couldn't believe she was there, nodding absently but obviously not hearing Maggie's words. Maggie chuckled when Alex didn't reply.
"Alex," she nudged softly. And Alex was broken out of her daze. "Hmm?" "The pizza." Maggie said amused.
It took her a second before she realised what Maggie was talking about. "Pizza?...pizza!...yes!...I completely forgot," she laughed at herself seeing Maggie's amusement before reluctantly getting up to serve it. Maggie watched her as she did so- equal parts in disbelief that this was actually happening.
They ate together in a strange sort of daze, all warm smiles and shy glances.
When Maggie got up to leave, a little while later, she leaned in to kiss Alex's warm cheek- unable to resist pressing her lips to Alex's beautiful blush. And Alex blushed even more, butterflies swarming in her stomach- she had no idea an innocent kiss to the cheek could make her feel so much.
Seeing Maggie's dimples come through with her chuckle, Alex pushed past her blush and pulled Maggie gently back in to her and pressed a kiss to her smiling lips- dizzy with happiness.
Maggie eventually pulled back with a final soft kiss and they parted with the promise of seeing each other tomorrow.
Hope you liked it! im almost finished with the first time fic so keep an eye out!