AN: This sort of just came to me a couple of days ago and just wouldn't leave me alone. So I thought; why not stopping packing and try and get the first chapter out of your system. I'm a horrible procrastinator.
So I think this is an M…only because it might get really explicit next chapter. Also it's more shades of grey and TOTALLY uncharacteristic…? Well who knows how they would react to something like this :P This story'll be short I think, maybe 4 chapters. Depends on if you guys like it I suppose.
Um, so warning: Alcohol abuse, character death, and non-graphic sex…that'll change in later chapters and get very graphic. I've tried to not make it TOO DEPRESSING. Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: Oh my goodness if owned Mai-HiME, it'd be a soap opera, and it would never end. But I don't own it. Everything I own fits in one suit case and a box. Sad.
It had all begun as way of remembering her; the meaningless sex we had with each other…
We had started out of sheer desperation; to feel connected to her once again. She had told us that she loved us both before she died. She had told us to take care of each other. Somehow I don't think this is what she had in mind…but that hardly matters; she's gone now.
She had been ripped out of both of our lives so violently and abruptly, it all seemed so surreal.
I had spent the first few weeks trying to fill up the void her loss created in my heart with alcohol. Circling all of the bars and clubs in Fuuka every night, and sleeping all of my days away. Even if I happened to be up during the day, everything had changed.
Well, it had for me anyway. For the rest of the world; the sun still shone, school continued on, people went to work… nothing had changed.
Things that would have only been mildly annoying to me in the past; like lovers holding hands and whispering sweet nothings to one another as they walked down the street, or the laughter and noise of children as they chased one another around; things I wouldn't have given a second glance to normally, now tore me apart.
Pain and anger, it's all I ever felt for weeks on end.
That's what the alcohol was for, to dull the pain and quench the anger. But soon even the alcohol left me…unfilled. They say that time heals all wounds. In my case, it seemed that time only made me feel more hollow…more empty.
Like a shell of the person who I used to be, wearing the same face, the same clothes…but that's all I was, an empty shell. Even to my own ears, my voice sounded robotic; when I did speak that is…which wasn't very often.
Soon even the alcohol left me unsatisfied…so I began looking for satisfaction elsewhere. Instead of going home alone as I usually did, I began bringing men back with me from the bars.
Not to replace her!
I could never replace her…but what I was trying to do was just as bad, I think.
I was trying to forget her.
Forget the pain.
The emptiness.
The loneliness.
The love I still felt for her.
All of it.
But I suppose that's why I always picked men up at the bars. The thought of being with another woman that wasn't her, it made me sick.
No, wait…not all women. I have been with one other woman since Natsuki's death.
Yes that was her name by the way; Natsuki Kuga. But I never called her that…I usually gave her little pet names; like "Pup" or "Mutt." No, they weren't all K9 related…but most were. You see not only was she an avid dog person (which I never really understood, I myself prefer cats…there's less slobber involved when you're dealing with cats) but she made the most adorable puppy faces without even realising it.
Not that I ever told her they were adorable…
Yea, well…pride means squat when the love of your life dies. You know what it's replaced with?
Regret. Lots of it…
Do you want to know how she died?
Motor cycle accident. If you had known her, you would see the irony. No, I'm not being callous, it's just been a while since she died…and I have a dark sense of humour I suppose.
You see riding on her bike; it's when she felt the most alive. The velocity, the wind in her hair, weaving through traffic at dangerous speeds, it's when she felt the most in-tune with the world you could say.
Most alive…
Oh except for sex. Fucking was definitely when she felt the most alive. Natsuki was a very sexual person.
VERY SEXUAL.
We're talking the libido of a rabbit. She could go for hours…and ohhh boy was it good.
That's probably why I had turned to sex as means of escape…I felt as though if I was busy fucking someone else, thoughts of her could stop occupying my mind for a single second maybe. Or perhaps I thought I could imagine her, if I truly lost myself in the act.
Don't know how that last one would work seeing as how Natsuki most definitely did not have a penis. She didn't need one. No matter; nothing they did came close to the pleasure she used to give me; even as they filled me with themselves, I still felt empty.
I still thought of her beautiful raven locks, her striking emerald orbs, her porcelain skin and her wonderfully husky voice.
Images of her haunted me day and night; while I slept, while I was awake, hell even when I was having sex with other people. I could not escape her. My days were a haze of sex and alcohol, and I could not tell which day was which. But still there the images of her were…engraved into my brain so clearly that I could not flee them.
My "escape" came in the form of one Shizuru Fujino. Now, if you knew me at all…you would find that hilariously ironic. I'll try and keep this short and simple.
Shizuru, Natsuki and I have a slightly complicated history with one another.
Sorry…I meant had.
We had a more then slightly complicated relationship - actually even after the Pup had passed away, Shizuru and I still managed to have a complicated relationship all on our own…with Natsuki still in the middle, even in death.
You see, Shizuru had been Natsuki's girlfriend when she had passed away; if you want to get technical. They had been dating on and off since Natsuki's freshman year in High school. I would like to highlight the OFF part of my previous statement…because that's where I usually came in.
The Pup and I were practically inseparable, in and out of school. When she was not spending time with which ever girl she was dating, we would be together. We had known each other since childhood.
We were best friends…best friends that often became lovers. We were never more than that. Neither one of us wanted to label what we had…
It did hurt seeing her with other women though, especially with someone like Shizuru Fujino.
I had told myself that it was because those two were complete opposites and that is why it would never work out…and that the only reason they stayed together was out of habit. That there was no love.
Now I'm not sure if the fact that they were so different was the reason they kept breaking up; but I was definitely wrong about there being no love.
But more on how I came to that conclusion later…
The true reason it hurt to see Natsuki with Shizuru was the fact that the woman was the epitome of perfection. Even as a teenager, she had carried herself with the elegance and refinement of nobility. She had been the student council president back when we had all been students at Fuuka Academy. She had also been the captain of the school's martial arts team, a tutor for almost every subject, and the head of the tea ceremony club.
Well rounded in her extracurricular activities, wasn't she? Not that it ever took away anything from her duties as president or her grades. She was the top student at Fuuka Academy.
Oh and did I mention she looked like a goddess…
Yea, you'd expect someone who was that smart and versatile in activities to at least look a little, you know…not hot. Unfortunately, Shizuru Fujino was nothing short of stunning.
At least with all the other girls the Pup had dated, I could pick out the flaws. With her…there were none; except maybe loving Natsuki a little too much, if you could really call that a flaw. That's probably why I resented her so much…because when I compared myself with her; I felt insignificant.
But even with all the hostility I threw at her back then, she was still nothing less than civil towards me, which only seemed to infuriate me more.
…wait…
This explanation is not as simple as I would have hoped.
Why don't I skip to the week Natsuki died?
Natsuki and Shizuru had gotten into a stupid argument, which led to Shizuru packing up her things and telling Natsuki she was staying at her parents' house in Kyoto for a couple of days. The Pup, being the emotional moron that she was told her then girlfriend that she didn't care how long she would be gone…thus beginning another round of arguments leading to them "taking a break" in their relation ship and Shizuru moving out of their shared apartment temporarily.
What had the argument original been about? I don't know…probably something equally as stupid; like Mayo. The Pup had an unhealthy addiction to that…it was gross.
Anyway the only reason I had known about any of this is because as Natsuki's best friend, I was forced to go out and get drunk about it with her, while she rambled non-stop about what an idiot she was being. After a few drinks, I gathered enough courage and silenced her by placing a finger to her lips.
Looking down at the table I told her I had something important to tell her.
She brought my chin up with her fingers so I could meet her brilliantly expressive emerald eyes. I could see the worry in them so clearly, it made my heart melt. "Nao, what is it? Is something wrong?"
I broke eye contact, quickly taking another shot of the Sake we had been drinking. I looked down at the table and then I…mumbled it.
"I'm sorry, what? Didn't get any of that."
"I-SAID-IM-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU!" saying it louder then I had intended, I managed to get the attention of the entire bar along with Natsuki's.
The bar was completely silent for about 30 seconds, before I recovered enough from the humiliation to send everyone around us the most murderous glare I could summon, while looking like a tomato. I suppose even as red as I was, I still hadn't lost my Nao-factor, because seconds later music had started playing from the speakers and people resumed their chatter once again.
The Pup, however, was another story.
If I resembled a tomato, she could only be described as a looking like a fire truck or maybe the siren on top of the fire truck because her blush looked more like a radiation side effect. Her eyes had practically been bulging out of her sockets and her mouth hung open. I held back the urge to close it for her.
I waved my hand in front of her face a couple of times trying to get her attention, then snapped my fingers next to her ears.
Unresponsive. Having my fill of embarrassment for one night I decided it was best if I head back home. Grabbing my jacket I made a hasty exit out of the bar and onto the main road.
I still remember how I felt that night…all of those different emotions, all intense and yet so wide in spectrum.
I walked away from the bar and into my home feeling dejected. I had finally told her how I felt about her and the stupid Mutt couldn't even say anything. No one was asking for reciprocation (hoping, but not asking) but I hadn't even gotten any acknowledgement that Natsuki had even heard what I said…well except for the cartoonish face she made and the different shades of red her face had turned.
But still. Words would have been nice.
It had been two hours later when I heard my door bell ring.
Looking through the peep hole of my door, I saw a frazzled looking Natsuki pacing around in my hall. As soon as I opened my door, she charged into my apartment without even sparing me a second glance.
Turning towards her I glared, "Rude much, well hello to you too.."
She ignored me, and continued pacing around my living room. She looked a lot more exhausted then when I had seen her at the bar.
"Kuga what the fuck are you doing?"
She stopped and looked at me with a bewildered expression, "You…"
"I-what, Kuga speak properly" I said closing the door.
"You…love me?"
Oh that.
"Oh so you heard, see I couldn't tell on account of you just stared right through me like a fucking moron." I was still angry.
She opened her mouth and closed her mouth a couple of times, before she continued pacing.
"Mutt what the hell, if you're going to walk around all night go do it outside," I said pointing to the door, it was late..and I just wanted to sleep.
She stopped, her body straightening to its full height and her fists clenched fiercely at her sides. She turned towards me, her expression one of fury. "Nao, WHAT THE FUCK?"
It had taken me by surprise; not her language or the volume it was said in…but her expression. Amidst the fierce anger that burned in her eyes there was something else, something that looked like hurt.
She took a few breaths and calmed herself down. She walked towards me and placed her hand on my face, cupping my cheek. She looked me in the eyes; all of the rage from her brilliant emerald eyes, receding.
"I'm sorry." She had said it so softly, I had barely heard it. I was too fixated on trying to read the emotions that were swirling around in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she continued, this time a little louder, "I'm sorry I didn't say anything back in the bar, you kinda took me by surprise" she laughed nervously.
"Well I'm sorry that I sort of blind-sided you…" I said turning away; trying to conceal the flush I had coming on. What I had said at the bar wasn't the only reason I was blushing, it had only occurred to me how close to each other we were standing.
I tried to back away subtly.
Natsuki apparently was not picking up on my discomfort because she seemed to draw closer to me still. Or maybe she did, but just didn't care. My money would be on the latter.
I soon found myself with my back to the front door of the apartment. I was trapped in between it and Natsuki, literally. She was now pressed up against me with both of her hands either side of my head. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and see the glazed look in her eyes.
"How long have you been in love with me Nao?" She asked it so casually that you would think she was asking for the time. It would have angered me, had I not been too distracted by what her hand was now doing to one of my legs.
I normally wore shorts to sleep, so alas there was no clothing to protect me from the assault she unleashed on my thigh.
"How long Nao?"
I blinked. What?
"What?"
"How long have you been in love with me?"
She began massaging higher up my thigh until her hand was lost in the folds of my shorts. I gasped as she found a sensitive area on the inside of my thigh. I had missed this…I had missed us.
Stopping her ministrations, she repeated the question. I whimpered as her hand slipped out of my shorts and down my leg.
Catching my breath I looked down at the floor. "I don't know…a while…"
She lifted my chin and cupped my face once again. She looked at me with an intense gaze, searching my eyes for something.
Stroking my cheek, she began pulling my face towards hers. "You should have told me sooner…" was all I heard before our lips met, crashing into one another with more passion than ever before. Wrapping my legs around her waist; she lifted me up with our lips still heatedly attached and carried me off to my room.
AN: So has this got your attention or no? Um, tell me if it got confusing with the POVness, it's my first time attempting to write a while fic in it. Review if you like…if you have any criticism or suggestions I'm open :)
Oh also would you like me to keep it Nao's POV or add Shizuru's as well?
Hahaha I know I'm teasing you with gaps of stories but it'll all hopefully make sense soon.