I do not own FMA or anything related.
Commentator: Welcome back my otaku and alchemy loving friends to 'FMA abridged (With Commentary): Season 3'! And to anyone who is new to this series, welcome also! Now, for those of you who are thinking 'Hold on, Commentator, there are only two seasons of FMA. What are you talking about,' Viz Media are idiots. Or is it Funimation? Well it's one of those two! Since anime lack the three-month gap that divides up the seasons, how they seem to be divided into different seasons is the different opening. FMA has four, which equals four seasons. Any of you long-term readers may have been very confused as to why we seemed to stop half-way through Season 1, then went ahead to do Season 2 in the middle of Season 1. Now that we've got that out of the way, I'd like to address something about the last chapter of Season 2. There was something very familiar about those writer guys....
Professor: This is probably going to be something know only to Anonymius and his convoluted interconnections and crossovers of all his parodies, many of which haven't actually been posted, isn't it?
Commentator: Probably. It's just how each writer was named after a Greek letter, and how they seemed committed to making a series-
Clock: TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK-
Professor: Uh oh. The clock is ticking.
Commentator: Right, better wrap this up.
Sammy: But Boss! We still haven't answered your suspicions yet!
Commentator: Sorry, we're running out of time, and there's something else I'd like to mention. You've all probably noticed that each of the Homunculi resembles a well-known pop culture character. See if you can guess who Wrath should be, and send in your results for who Pride is. The winner will get a free cake!
Professor: Um, Sir, I don't think real people can eat imaginary cake.
Commentator: Well it's the thought that counts! Now without further ado, here's "Greed Reveals All"!
Mustang: Right then, people! We have to find out what happened to Brigadier General Hughes. But where to start-
(Izumi and Mr Curtis barge in)
Izumi: WHERE ARE THE ELRIC BROTHERS?
Mustang: -They're-errrr, on their way to Dublith. They should be in Rush Valley right about now!
Izumi: Right, thanks!
(Izumi and Mr Curtis disappear. Silence)
Mustang: Well that was kinda sudden!
Ed: Man, what a lousy filer episode this has been!
Al: Actually, Brother, this was a canon story.
Ed: EH?
Manga: He's right, you know.
Ed: But it was so episodic! I thought we passed that stage-
(Izumi and Mr Curtis barge in)
Izumi: ELRIC BROTHERS!
Elric Brothers: -Uh oh.
Ed: So, why are you so angry with us?
Izumi: You jerks! You were going to subvert our arc for a filler one! I mean a filler one! What were you thinking?
Ed: -How did you find out about that?
Izumi: Let's just say a little birdie told me.
(Everyone looks at the Commentator)
Commentator: Why does everyone always look at me when someone says 'a little birdie told me'?
Professor: It's sort of a running joke with you.
Commentator: But how could they possibly know about that?
Ed: Oh the Harry Potter characters told us during the Christmas Party Special.
Commentator: Okay, I squawked! But someone had to stop your insane plan of a filler arc replacing a canon one!
Winry: Is it my imagination or is your Sensei reminiscent of Tsunade from Naruto?
Al: No we've all noticed the similarities. Along with her temper and superhuman strength, though, she is also a powerful whatever-it-is-that-the-manga/slash-anime focuses-on. Why I remember-
Ed: NO! Don't you dare!
Al: -Huh?
Ed: I know what you were doing! You were trying to establish a character origin flashback, weren't you?
Al: Brother, I know that manga and anime heavily use flashbacks, but we need to tell the audience this crucial background information.
Ed: No, we don't! When enduring that horrible eight-episode long flashback, I was promised that that would have saved us from doing the whole character origin flashback later! So no! No more flashbacks! Or I'm leaving this series!
Al: But- Brother-
Ed: NO!
Winry: Oh no! That cat and her kittens are about to fall!
Ed: HERE I AM, TO SAVE THE DAYYYYY!
Izumi: Gasp! You can perform alchemy just by clapping your hands! That means you have seen the Truth, and the only way you could have done that is by trying to bring someone back from the dead!
Al: Well at least you revealed your ability when you had no choice rather than blatantly revealing you had the same gift as Sensei.
(Izumi beats them up)
Ed: Hey! What are you doing? This is child abuse, man!
Izumi: You're right I'm sorry. Let me hug you and make it better.
Ed: Yeah, I don't really feel that compensates!
Winry: Hey, do you think Ed and Al will be all right on that island?
Mr Curtis: Where did you come from?
Izumi: Oh don't worry. I've left them on a lonely island with foxes and where they've been before, now they'll have to deal with all the flashbacks, 'Lost' and 'Naruto' references, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Winry: I don't entirely know how that assures me they'll be all right.
Izumi: Huh? Oh sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
Izumi: Oh shoot. You look fine. I was hoping at least those foxes would bring up a Naruto reference!
Al: I was about to point it out, but Brother was adamant against flashbacks or references of any kind.
Ed: Yeah. Thankfully we've already been through that sort of torture on this island before. By the way, while we were on the island we found this kid.
Izumi: Ed, Al, this may seem out of the blue, but could you please tell me what happened on the night you tried to revive your mother?
Al: That's okay. We're used to things out of the blue on this show. Well it happened-
Ed: No! Don't you dare! We've done it, it's done!
Izumi: What's the matter with him?
Al: Oh he won't have any more character origin flashbacks.
Izumi: DO IT!
Ed: Okay, okay!
Al: Oh, so THAT'S how you transmuted my soul with this armour before you discovered you could do it just by clapping your hands!
Al: Those are Brother's limbs!
Winry: What?
Ed: Where did you get these? Tell me where you got them!
Mysterious Boy: AHHHHHHHHH!
(Runs away)
Al: Brother, remind me to remind you to never have children.
Ed: Hey, I got all my tips from Sensei!
Ed: Mysterious Boy! Come back!
Bido: Hello there, walking suit of armour!
Al: Hey there. Wait, what?
Bido: Bye! (Crawls up and over a wall)
Al: Gasp! A lizard-like man who knows what I really am!
Ed: Let's completely forget about the mysterious boy who ran away because of us and go after this guy!
Al: Kay!
Bido: Mr Greed! Mr Greed! There's this kid in town who has the same tattoo as you!
Greed: Heh heh heh. I have so much money!
Bido: Mr Greed?
Greed: Huh?
Bido: I said there's this kid in town who has the same tattoo as you!
Greed: Same tattoo, eh? Small with short hair and finely dressed?
Bido: Actually he has long dishevelled hair and his clothes were quite tacky.
Greed: WHAT? This I have to investigate!
Ed: Well hunting down that lizard-man didn't do us any good so we're back to finding Mysterious Boy, who was taken by Sensei and we've tracked them back to the island.
Al: I don't know why you're telling me this, Brother. I already knew it-
Izumi: GAK!
Al: Oh no! It sounds like Sensei is in mortal peril!
Mysterious Boy: Wrath strangle!
Ed: Stop it! (Gets Wrath off Izumi) What's going on?
Izumi: Years ago, I tried to bring my child back from the dead, but he came back wrong. He had acquired a violent temper and superhuman strength, and I couldn't control him! Oh yes and he was deformed.
Wrath: Edward Elric, do you know how Homunculi are created?
Ed: In a laboratory? Or produced by a living Philosopher's Stone?
Wrath: NO, IDIOT! Homunculi are the products of attempts at bringing people back from the dead, but they always come back wrong!
Ed: Wait, hang on, how did you go from a deformed form to fully human?
Wrath: Wrath doesn't know. The stupid writers who created this crappy little revision of the Homunculi's origins never elaborated on it like the idiots they are!
Manga Fan: I hear that!
Wrath: There is Lust-
Lust: AGIDIGIGOO!
Wrath: -Gluttony-
Gluttony: Mmmm, rock cake. (Swallows a stone)
Wrath: -Envy-
Envy: Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?
Mirror: You're quite pretty, that is true, but your sister Lust is sexier than you.
Envy: -Oh. Right. That does it, next time I see Lust, I'm disguising myself as an apple seller and selling her a poison apple!
Wrath: -Greed-
Greed: Bah, humbug!
Wrath: -Sloth-
Sloth: (Groan) Travelling across sea is such a drag!
Wrath: -Pride-
Pride: I'm top of the world! And a lot more important than all these ragamuffins!
Wrath: -And Wrath! WRATH SMASH!
(Attacks Ed, but Al blocks him)
Al: Why did you just attack my brother now?
Wrath: Wrath doesn't know! Wrath is just violent towards everyone for no reason! AGGH! AND NOW WRATH IS ANGRY WITH HIMSELF FOR HIS LACK OF LOGIC!
Greed: Still looking at that mirror, eh, Envy?
Envy: Still thinking that Christmas is a humbug, eh, Greed?
Greed: Touche.
Envy: So what brings you to this island?
Greed: I'm here to track down a child Homunculus who looks nothing like Pride.
Envy: -Should he look like Pride?
Greed: YES BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY CHILD HOMUNCULUS AMONG US!
Envy: -No he isn't! Pride is an adult!
Greed: -Envy, what the Hell are you talking about?
Envy: -Oh. This is connected to your conspiracy theory, is it?
Greed: Envy, you've got to listen to me-
Envy: Save your breath, Greed! I was warned not to believe anything you say!
Sloth: You tell him, Envy. Telling him myself would be such a drag!
Greed: Who is that?
Envy: That's Sloth.
Greed: -That isn't Sloth!
Envy: Come again?
Greed: Sloth's a big guy!
Envy: What are you talking about, Greed?
Greed: No. This is all wrong! I SHALL AVENGE YOU MY LAZY BROTHER!
ONE EPIC BATTLE LATER...
Greed: On second thoughts, I'll recuperate, AND THEN AVENGE YOU MY LAZY BROTHER! (Runs away)
Sloth: -What was that all about?
Envy: Oh Greed is under the delusion that the timeline has been changed and that us Homunculi are the products of this Philosopher's Stone Homunculus and that there were six of us three hundred years ago.
Ed: Where is that Wrath? Gasp! It's the Fuhrer/president or whatever he's called and his assistant who clearly looks like my mum and yet I haven't noticed! What are you doing here?
Bradeley: We were in the neighbourhood and thought we'd check out this lovely island!
Ed: Uhuh. You haven't happened to have come across a wild angry looking kid, have you?
Douglas: Nope. Haven't seen one.
Ed: Oh okay then!
(The Elric brothers leave. Sloth pulls open her jacket to reveal Wrath.)
Sloth: Heheheh. Suckers.
Izumi: You two are no longer my pupils and I want you out of my house.
Ed: If it's because of your 'son'-
Izumi: No it's because you disobeyed me by performing human transmutation.
Al: Well that was kinda sudden!
Ed: Yeah! If you feel that strongly about it, then why didn't you dismiss us immediately after we told you? Well anyway we're not going! We came here for a reason, and even though it's taken us a few episodes to address the reason, we're addressing it nonetheless!
Izumi: Fine then! Go see Sensei Dante, the alchemist who instructed me.
Maid: Greetings.
Ed: Gasp! It's Girl of Gisborne!
Girl of Gisborne: My name is Lyra.
Ed: And all this time I thought you were a one-off filler character created for the sole purpose of extending the plot of a story and making it more action-packed!
Lyra: After leaving Yoki's services, I found getting employment difficult. Not many people will employ a filler character. Gladly, though, Dante loves filler characters!
Ed: Speaking of Yoki, I wonder what became of him…
Yoki: There he is, officers! There is that mur-GAK!
Gluttony: Look at me, I can throw spits that act like bullets!
Soldier 1: No! Yoki! He died before his time!
Soldier 2: Sniff. He'll never become that comic relief character now!
Dante: Well I'd love to help you but unfortunately my house is being bombarded by a gang of thugs.
BOOM
Ed: This sounds like a job for the Fullmetal Alchemist! Al, you wait here!
(After Ed has left the room, Greed's goons crash in)
Roa: Surprise! We want you to come with us!
Al: My Sensei taught me to never go along with strangers.
Dorchete: How old are you?
Al: Fourteen. Hey wait a minute! After Brother's twelfth Birthday, I had mine almost instantly! Yet after his sixteenth I'm still the same age? How am I still the same age?
Roa: I don't really care about the inconsistencies between you and your brother's ages. What I do care about is Martel crawling inside of you so that we can control you.
Al: Ah right. WAIT WHAT?
Ed: Groan, my head. Hey, what happened here? Where's Al?
Lyra: He got kidnapped by the thugs.
Ed: And you just let him? Two perfectly capable alchemists?
Dante: We'd rather take Sakura's philosophy on life.
Sakura: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT- oh I give up!
Greed: Greetings. My name is Greed. Also Greedo.
Al: You mean the bounty hunter that Han Solo killed in 'Star Wars'?
Greed: Yes the bounty hunter that Han Solo killed in 'Star Wars' WAIT WHAT NO! As in the Japanese form of the English word 'Greed'!
Al: Oh. Well why have you kidnapped me!
Greed: Let me begin by revealing that I'm not human. I said 'let me begin by revealing that I'm not human'!
Martel: (Roa, that's your queue!)
Roa: Huh? Oh right!
(Knocks off Greed's head, which regenerates)
Al: Gasp! You're a Homunculus!
Greed: Yes. I am a homunculus. An artifi- wait, hang on, what did you just say?
Al: I said you are a Homunculus.
Greed: -How do you know about the Homunculi?
Al: Oh I met them! Lust, Gluttony, Envy and Wrath.
Greed: -No. That isn't right. You're not supposed to know about the Homunculi until you meet me!
Al: What are you talking about?
Greed: The world's changed. Far more than I first thought! Long ago, our world was on the canon course. Then she came along and changed everything…
Envy: Hey, who are you? Where's Father?
Dante: Daddy's on vacation. Permanent vacation. I have been left in command here.
Greed: However, I discovered that she had in fact killed Father and usurped his role as leader of the Homunculi. I also discovered that she had erased two of my siblings and altered the other! Even worse, I discovered she had altered reality, giving us completely new origins to match the absence of Father. But to even change some of the Homunculi…I confronted her, and she had me imprisoned. None of my brothers will believe me!
Al: I don't blame them. Do you really expect me to believe that the plot has been drastically altered?
Greed: Is it so crazy? Haven't you felt that something's not right with our world?
Al: Hmmmmm.....
Ed: (Takes out a piece of parchment) According to this, we should be in Lior, by now.
Rose: So how exactly has he screwed the rules?
Ed: Whoa whoa, wait a minute! Did you just admit you're a fraud in front of one of your most devoted followers? Are you like retarded or something?
Cornello: Go- Parrot- monster- thing!
Ed: Okay. We're lost again. According to this, we should still be in Cornello's building! I think we went too far.
Random City Dweller: Father Cornello? Is this true? Are you not the son of God?
Cornello: Of course I am! Look!
(Uses ring to turn the nearby statues into living ones)
Random City Dweller No.2: Wow! Do you really think that this is a miracle?
Random City Dweller No.1: What else could it be? Unless of course he's using alchemy to transfigure the statue to be a living one.
Al: It's really impressive how well you recuperated after getting your new arm and leg. I mean Granny Pinako said that it takes three years, and you managed it in a day!
Al: Yeah, my brother has grown alot these past few days! He's grown a year's worth!
Ferman: Wow. You really are short.
Ed: OF COURSE I'M SHORT, I'M ONLY ELEVEN YOU DUMBASS!
Ferman: Really? For some reason I expected you to be a Fifteen year old midget!
Al: Okay, how exactly did you defeat a guy who was older than you, bigger than you, and who also had a mechanical arm except his was bigger?
Ed: Hey Al, you still awake?
Al: Uhuh. I think I'm too nervous about the upcoming exam.
Ed: Yeah, I'm sure it's nothing to do with the fact that a suit of armour doesn't exactly require sleep.
(Subtitles appear. Once again, the incompetent dubbers do nothing to enlighten the situation, but according to the more ethical subtitlers, they read 'Big Brother Twelve, Little Brother Eleven')
Al: WAIT A MINUTE! WHEN DID I TURN ELEVEN?
Ed: I guess it was some point between my birthday and the final exam.
Al: But how come no strangers organised my birthday celebrations?
Al: (Grabs Ed's hand) Brother, if you don't stop hitting him, he'll die.
Basque: Darn right he will.
Ed: Al, I've come to the conclusion that despite all our power, alchemists are not gods.
Al: And yet three years from now you'll forget that and boast how alchemists are the closest things to God.
Girl of Gisborne: You'll pay for what you did to my master!
Ed: Wait! Watch as I make this part of the wall disappear for no reason!
Al: Brother, that was unreasonable!
Gran: DIABOLUS EX MACHINA!
Scar: Basque Gran- Aren't you supposed to be dead at this point?
Al: Hey, how exactly did we get back to East Headquarters so easily?
Ed: I can't believe it's been four years since we've been in Risenbol.
Al: Yeah. Wait, we haven't laid foot in our hometown for four whole years? If we haven't seen winry to upgrade your arm and leg during all that time, then how have you got around with one leg and arm shorter than the other?
Al: It's nice to be home, isn't it Brother?
Ed: It sure is. Al, I'm going to ask you out of the blue what's clearly an important question.
Al: Yeah?
Ed: And now I'm just going to change my mind, which will lead to future complications.
Armstrong: BROTHERS! Look at the sky out there!
Al: Brother, we may have overlooked something! Let's read through it again!
Ed: Lietenant Ross, even though you're not an alchemist, I'm going to take your advice and continue vainly searching for the Philosopher's Stone even though I know it's people.
Al: Maybe there's another way to make the Philosopher's Stone!
Manga: THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO MAKE A PHILOSOPHER'S STONE! That's it; it's made from people, end of story! Why are you two still searching for the stone? Shouldn't you two have given up by now and now be motivated to discovering the 'truth behind the truth?'
Barry: YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WERE THE ONES WHO CAUGHT ME!
Barry: I'm saying that Alphonse Elric never existed in the first place and everyone you know has been tricking you!
Al: We are looking for the Philosopher's Stone!
Scar: You shouldn't. The Philosopher's Stone is created from human lives.
Al: Oh we know.
Scar: You-wait, you know? Aren't you and your brother supposed to be the good guys?
Al: You know, I heard that Ishbal was destroyed because it tried to create the Philosopher's Stone.
Scar: Oh yes. The people who detest alchemy achieved the most important goal for alchemists, that makes perfect sense!
Scar: Gasp! It's you again!
Al: Who?
Scar: My brother's former lover who came back from the dead all wrong. She is one of the Homunculus!
Ed: By the way Scar I've forgiven you for brutally murdering my friend all those years ago. Can we be super special awesome friends now?
Scar: Of course! Even though I still despise all alchemists, I'm not going to kill you when I have the chance.
Ed: Now let us talk about the numerous times we fought when we were little.
Al: Why?
Ed: We're not going to see our master.
Winry: You're not?
Ed: No. We're actually going to track down Scar so he can tell us what he knows about the Philosopher's Stone.
Manga: For God's sake will you just give up on the Philosopher's Stone already? I can't believe you're still going after it, after everything you've learnt!
Winry: Oh no! That cat and her kittens are about to fall!
Ed: HERE I AM, TO SAVE THE DAYYYYY!
(Izumi beats them up)
Ed: Hey! What are you doing? This is child abuse, man!
Winry: Hey, do you think Ed and Al will be all right on that island?
Al: Gasp! A lizard-like man who knows what I really am!
Ed: Let's completely forget about the mysterious boy who ran away because of us and go after this guy!
Izumi: You two are no longer my pupils and I want you out of my house.
Ed: If it's because of your 'son'-
Izumi: No it's because you disobeyed me by performing human transmutation.
Al: Well that was kinda sudden!
Ed: Yeah! If you feel that strongly about it, then why didn't you dismiss us immediately after we told you?
Al: Okay, I admit that it doesn't feel like everything's right and there are a lot of inconsistencies, but it's natural in an anime adaptation of a manga to be slightly different! Okay we may have had more differences than other adaptations, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is all leading to some kind of filler ending!
Dorchette: I don't remember that bit.
Martel: That's because we've returned to the present, you moron!
Roa: Huh? Oh I'm sorry! Have the flashbacks finished?
Greed: Oh really? Think about it again.
Al: Hmmm…
Dorchette: BOSS, NO! NOT A-
Girl of Gisborne: You'll pay for what you did to my master!
Al: Brother, we may have overlooked something! Let's read through it again!
Ed: Lietenant Ross, even though you're not an alchemist, I'm going to take your advice and continue vainly searching for the Philosopher's Stone even though I know it's people.
Al: Maybe there's another way to make the Philosopher's Stone!
Manga: THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO MAKE A PHILOSOPHER'S STONE! That's it; it's made from people, end of story! Why are you two still searching for the stone? Shouldn't you two have given up by now and now be motivated to discovering the 'truth behind the truth?'
Al: We are looking for the Philosopher's Stone!
Scar: You shouldn't. The Philosopher's Stone is created from human lives.
Al: Oh we know.
Scar: You-wait, you know? Aren't you and your brother supposed to be the good guys?
Al: You know, I heard that Ishbal was destroyed because it tried to create the Philosopher's Stone.
Scar: Oh yes. The people who detest alchemy achieved the most important goal for alchemists, that makes perfect sense!
Scar: Gasp! It's you again!
Al: Who?
Scar: My brother's former lover who came back from the dead all wrong. She is one of the Homunculus!
Ed: By the way Scar I've forgiven you for brutally murdering my friend all those years ago. Can we be super special awesome friends now?
Scar: Of course! Even though I still despise all alchemists, I'm not going to kill you when I have the chance.
Ed: We're not going to see our master.
Winry: You're not?
Ed: No. We're actually going to track down Scar so he can tell us what he knows about the Philosopher's Stone.
Manga: For God's sake will you just give up on the Philosopher's Stone already? I can't believe you're still going after it, after everything you've learnt!
Winry: Hey, do you think Ed and Al will be all right on that island?
Al: No. You can't be saying- it's not true- that everything we've been doing- is just part of a plan for a filler arc? Who is this person who has done this?
Greed: Her name is-
TO BE CONTINUED...
Commentator: Who is this mysterious person that has taken over the series? What are her goals? And can the Elric Brothers stop her before it's too late? Find out next time, on 'FMA Abridged (With Commentary)'!