Title: Bellatrix's Basilisk

Rating: T

Pairing(s): Bellatrix/Rodolphus, Dumbledore

Warnings: None

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em - not making any money off 'em. Dern it.

Word Count: 863

Summary: Crack. Do not take this seriously at all. The Basilisk wants his neck scratched.

Notes:

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry: Triwizard Tournament – Task – A character must find a story or an event so funny that they are unable to comprehend or think about anything else. Prompts Used – "The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you." – Samantha Jones, Sex and the City, "I like my money right where I can see it. Hanging in my closet." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Weekly Elimination Weird Prompt Elimination Prompt Thing Competition: Mandatory Prompt – The basilisk gets loose (not necessarily during the times it does in canon), but it just wants its itchy neck scratched. Semi-Optional Prompts – dialogue: "Basilisks love neck-skritches!", an enchanted necklace that translates the wearer's speech into Parseltongue, dialogue: "Who's a good basilisk? Yes, you are!", according to Salazar's journal, basilisk venom can be used in anti-aging potions (can be used in narration or dialogue). bonus Prompts – Bellatrix (4 pts), "Isn't he cute?" / "He's rather terrifying, actually." / "He's cuuuute. Basilisk, you're so cute!" (6 pts), falling leaves (1 pt), someone farts (1 pt), "It's worth a lot of money on the black market." (2 pts), someone imagines Salazar cuddling a baby basilisk (5 pts), someone laughs at something no one else thinks is funny (3 pts), Dumbledore pets the basilisk (2pts)

365 Days of Drabbles Challenge: Prompt Used – Curse

"I like my money right where I can see it. Hanging in my closet," Bellatrix explained when Rodolphus questioned her odd behavior.

"You don't understand why it's abnormal though?" he implored, trying to understand the woman that would become his wife.

"I don't care what anyone thinks. The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you. So, why bother trying to impress them?"

Rodolphus opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted when something shiny on the floor caught Bellatrix's attention.

"Oohh, this is so pretty." She picked up the discarded necklace and swung it gleefully. She slipped it around her neck and did a spin for Rodolphus. "What do you think?"

Rodolphus rolled his eyes. "You really shouldn't pick up necklaces when you don't know where they came from. It could be cursed."

"Oh poo. What's life without a little danger?"

Rodolphus squinted and stepped closer. "There's a name on it. Looks like...Ariana Dumbledore?"

Bellatrix snorted and began laughing.

Rodolphus stepped away from his betrothed. "Probably belonged to someone who was a fan of hers, even if there isn't much known about her."

Suddenly, there was a thump and with wide eyes, Bellatrix and Rodolphus were witnesses to a Basilisk coming around the corner with its eyes shut.

Rodolphus quickly grabbed Bellatrix's arm and tried to pull her away from the impending danger, but she stayed rooted to the spot. There was hissing, and Rodolphus renewed his efforts to get Bellatrix away. At first he didn't notice it, but when Bellatrix smiled maniacally, Rodolphus saw her newly acquired necklace glowing.

She started jumping around gleefully, ignoring the danger she was obviously in. "I can understand him! I can understand him! This necklace allows me to understand him! Wow!"

"A necklace that allows you to understand Parseltongue? Why does it have Ariana Dumbledore's name on it then?"

She shrugged carelessly and tilted her head to the side. "He wants his neck scratched. That's all."

'He?' Rodolphus inwardly questioned.

"I wonder if he can understand me." She touched the necklace. "Do you want your neck scratched?"

She giggled when the Basilisk thumped its gigantic head on the floor in a parody of a nod. She reached up and started scratching it on the side of its neck, pleased that the eyes stayed closed. "Who's a good Basilisk? Yes, you are!" she cooed.

Rodolphus blinked. "Basilisks love neck-skritches! Who knew?"

"Isn't he cute?" Bellatrix asked merrily, eyes wide in her absolute delight.

"He's rather terrifying, actually." Rodolphus kept his eyes on the giant snake. If it looked like he was ready to open his eyes, Rodolphus was going to make a run for it, and Bellatrix would be on her own. If she wanted to play with dangerous snakes, then it was her problem to contend with.

"He's cuuuute. Basilisk, you're so cute! I bet Salazar used to cuddle a baby Basilisk. I can just see it now."

Rodolphus shook his head at her antics. "You know, the Dark Lord mentioned that according to Salazar's journal, Basilisk venom can be used in anti-aging potions."

"Really? I bet it's worth a lot of money on the black market." She continued scratching, and Rodolphus watched as he learned into her touch, a hiss of what Rodolphus assumed was pleasure echoing through the corridor.

"Uhh..."

Rodolphus looked at Dumbledore who had just made an appearance. "The Basilisk wanted his neck scratched," he said, as if that explained everything.

"I see." Dumbledore nodded as if he truly did see.

Rodolphus was sure Dumbledore would be an adult about it and force Bellatrix away from the dangerous creature. He was proven wrong once again, though.

Dumbledore smiled widely, his eyes twinkling madly as if he was as deranged as Bellatrix. He reached out and began petting the Basilisk. That was right. Dumbledore was joining in on the mayhem. "Good Basilisk," Dumbledore crooned to the content Basilisk.

Then a loud noise exploded right in Dumbledore's face. There was silence for a moment. Bellatrix's and Dumbledore's hands were completely still.

"Did the Basilisk just fart?!" Rodolphus asked in shock.

Bellatrix blinked, and then her laughter erupted. No one else laughed, though. Dumbledore didn't for obvious reasons. He was too busy holding his nose and running away from the smelly scene. Rodolphus just thought it was absolutely the most disgusting thing he ever heard or seen.

Rodolphus quickly grabbed Bellatrix's arm when she was distracted and pulled her away from the gigantic snake. They got outside and moved through the falling leaves.

"It's so...I can't." She broke into a fit of giggles again.

They finally got to their tree, and she kneeled on the ground, clutching her stomach as she helplessly laughed.

Rodolphus stared at her and wondered how long her laughter would go on for. It was very disconcerting.

It turned out it would go on for the next two days. Nothing Rodolphus said or did would distract her from her fit of laughter. There was nothing she would comprehend or think about until the hilarity passed for her. He would only hear laughter; It would be a very long two days.