This Is A Pet Free Tardis.
The Doctor pushed past her to get into the kitchen, eagerly taking in the sights and sounds of her home.
He trailed his fingers along the hard granite of her work surface and froze. "You have a Cat?"
River glanced over her shoulder as she opened the larder cupboard. "Yes"
"It's not coming with us!" The Doctor said sternly and folded his arms awkwardly.
She put a box of cat biscuits on the granite counter top and crossed her arms, mirroring his stance with practiced ease. "I'm not going anywhere without him"
The Doctor scratched the back of his neck. "Him? Yes, I suppose he is. What's his name?"
"Doctor"
"Yes?"
River smiled in anticipation. "No, his name is Doctor"
"No, it isn't"
"Yes. It. Is." River breathed out through her expanding smile. "I'm the Doctor" He said curling both hands into fists and jabbing himself in the chest with his thumbs. "Yes"
"He's the Doctor" The Doctor said, still none the wiser. "Yes" She repeated, teasingly whispering the single word into his ear. He stepped back, shaking his head to clear it of distracting thoughts. "We look nothing alike"
"You have the same frown" She pointed out as she looked at the Cat sat by his bowl waiting to be fed and then her other Doctor who was visibly clutching at straws.
"Cats can't frown" He said triumphantly.
River's smile changed into a smirk and then a leer as she thought of an adequate comeback. "You both purr."
"I'm a Time Lord, I do not purr" He growled indignantly, clearly flustered.
"Spoilers!" Her blue eyes twinkled up at him.
"I don't purr" He said with eyes cast to the wooden floor as he back-combed his hair and pulled his dark, silky fringe in front of his face in order to avoid making eye contact.
"Spoilers! She sang again. "And I'm not ginger" He added with a tinge of disappointment.
"Yet!"
The Doctor's eyes lit up with a spark of excitement that soon faded when he hit himself on the side of the head "I'm not a cat. Strictly humanoid, me. Except that one time."
"If you say so" She replied with weary sarcasm.
"I do say so" he grinned seeing a battle won and then he noticed River was no longer paying him any attention. "What?"
"Sorry?" River mumbled as she walked over to the 'Doctor'-Cat.
"What was that?" He asked, his hands dancing in the air around him.
"Nothing" She answered absentmindedly as she tickled the top of the cat's head.
"That was not 'nothing'. Smirking is not 'nothing'," He said using his fingers to make air quotes, his voice raising a few octaves. "Smirking is something, it's suggestive, and what have you done?"
She shared a suffering look with the cat, "Honestly, anyone would think I was a criminal," River sighed, "It was you!"
"Me?" Squeaked the Doctor, "I didn't do anything!"
"You frowned," She grinned as she stroked her hand down the long elegant line of the cat's soft back. "Both of you's did"
Bewildered more than before, the Doctor asked with trepidation, dreading the answer even as he asked it, "I'm a cat?"
"Sweetie... Spoilers!"