Title: Shame
Author: Micheru
Show: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: drama
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Summary: Scar POV; pre-series; his thoughts on his brother and his dabbling in alchemy
Author's Notes: Written for Andrew's 19th birthday because he hearts Scar. He threw me for a loop when he said he wanted it set before the Ishbal war. But I pulled it off. Hope you enjoy!

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A war is brewing. I can smell it. The Amestrians have been approaching our land, the land touched by the great Ishbala. Nii-san doesn't know about the war or the Amestrians.

I miss my nii-san.

We've always been close. He's 4 years my elder and has always looked out for me. We make a good team; I'm the muscle and he's the brains. But... ever since... she died... Nothing's been the same since then.

We were both heartbroken. We both loved her, maybe even in the same way... but details like those don't matter anymore. Her death affected us both greatly. Nii-san had been the one to receive her love in return and was therefore hurt more by it.

I remember her last days. She couldn't leave her bed, she was so weak. She couldn't eat because she threw everything up. Everyone prayed to Ishbala. She was so young. How could Ishbala have taken her?

I thought that right after she died. I felt betrayed by my goddess. How could she have taken away my love? I spoke of this to my parents once. My father hit me. He told me that Ishbala has a reason for everything and that we should just have faith in her. I simply nodded and went into my room.

As time went on, I decided to accept Ishbala's will. If Ishbala wanted her, she could have her. Nii-san didn't see it that way. Not at all.

He spoke about wanting to bring her back. I understood his feelings, for I wanted her back as well. Yet, nii-san went one step further. He spoke of going to see the exile, the marked man, to learn the Great Art. I was appalled. My brother, my own flesh and blood, was wanting to seek the aid of an outcast and the cursed alchemy.

I tried to dissuade him. I told him what Father had told me, begging him to see what I had seen. He refused to listen to me. I don't even think he knew I was there. His mind was focused on getting her back.

I didn't tell our parents what nii-san had told me. Their reactions would be much worse than my own. While I had tried to change his mind through words, my father would react with violence. My mother would do nothing but she would not protest against the violence. They asked me how nii-san was doing. I lied and said that he was still mourning silently. They simply nodded and went back to what they were doing.

Once I made it to my room, I sent a silent prayer to Ishbala, asking forgiveness for lying to my parents as well as forgiveness for nii-san for whatever he might try in his desperation.

The next day I went back to his house. He wasn't there. I asked some of his neighbors if they had seen him. They said they had seen him heading towards the outskirts. They were too overjoyed about his step towards recovery to think twice about his destination.

I decided to go back to my house. It wouldn't look good for me to be heading to the outskirts as well.

When I went back that evening, he was seated at his desk, papers everywhere.

"Nii-san..." I said hesitantly as I cracked open the door.

"I've figured it out," he replied, his voice taking on a maniacal edge.

"Figured what out?" I asked as I walked further into the room.

"How to bring her back. It'll take some more fine tuning but I'll get it eventually. I'll do anything for her."

"Nii-san..."

"Quiet. I need to think."

He goes back to his papers, muttering to himself. I leave and run to my house, ignoring my parents and running into my room.

Ishbala, what do I do? I want her back as well but I do not want my brother to be damned. I don't know if I should support him or condemn him.

I hear gunshots and screaming. The Amestrians have made their move. Ishbala, I'll support my brother. After this war, he might be all I have left.

-End