Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Story Notes: I'd like to say a huge thank you for my nominations at the Sunnydale Memorial Fanfiction Awards! I wrote this as a thank you, and I hope you all enjoy it!
Angel's gone, and he's not coming back.
It's something I have to live with. I sent him to Hell to save the world, and he's not coming back for me or anyone.
When I was in LA and I was mourning his passing, part of me expected him to walk into the diner or knock on the door of my flat, safe and sound and here, bringing our own little fairytale to its inevitable conclusion.
I know now that will never happen. Life isn't a fairytale.
I have to move on. Scott seems nice and he's into me, and dating a normal guy is nice and safe and not likely to end with dead bodies scattered over town. After everything that's happened I need stability in my life.
So I leave the ring – the one Angel gave to me – in the middle of the floor of the mansion, in the exact spot where I killed him. I need to put him behind me; to move on and live my life, because that's what he'd want for me.
And I want that, too. But saying that and actually doing it are two totally different things.
Why does Spike have to stir things up whenever he comes crashing into town?
I'm not talking about him kidnapping Willow and Xander, which inevitably leads to Cordelia getting put in the hospital and she and Oz not speaking to either of them. I'm not even talking about when Scott meets up with us and Spike blabs about who I really am – not that hiding the truth from Scott would have been easy anyway, what with the Mayor's vampires surrounding us.
What I'm talking about is Spike's annoying habit of pointing out things I don't want to hear but need to anyway.
Drusilla dumped him, and the pain – the heartbreak – in his eyes and voice is enough for me to realize that demons can love without their souls. Probably not well, because Spike thinks that torturing Drusilla would make her love him again, but it's still love, and it makes me wonder why Angel didn't love me when he lost his.
That's the key word here. Didn't, not couldn't.
Spike says that Angel and I are nothing compared to him and Drusilla; that I'm just the Juliet to Angel's Romeo. I think that he's contradicting himself until Mom elaborates that Romeo and Juliet isn't about true love, but young and foolish love that blossoms in all the wrong ways because of the prejudice and hate and the hardships of life.
It kind of makes me realize that Angel and I never really had that much in common. I never knew that much about him. I think I just fell in love with the idea of him; a Slayer and a vampire in love.
Maybe now I can move on, properly. I'm not distant in dreaming about what could have been, which is really good in terms of me and Scott and our relationship. He did say I'm getting too distant. At least he knows about what I am now, meaning there are no more secrets between us.
I want to kick myself for not seeing it before because the signs have been there all along, but I don't think even I could've predicted Faith's sudden allegiance to the Mayor.
Killing the Deputy Mayor; that's what set her over the edge. The little things as well – Post, our new Watcher, keeping secrets, her dark past – had a helping hand, but it was that accidental murder that did it.
It makes me recall Angel and the sudden shock of facing his soulless counterpart, but this time there's no soul to put back and I realize that humans can be just as evil as vampires, sometimes even more so.
With the way she taunts me and the way she's so determined to ruin my life and hurt my friends it's hard to imagine that she used to be among them. But it's like I said; the signs were there all along. Her attitude, her love of violence, her pent up rage… It almost makes her turn to darkness logical, but not really because a turn to darkness is never logical.
It's funny, because when I compare her to Angel and his own turn, I can't help but see the similarities. There were small signs showing his dark side – his lust whenever I bled, how chilling he could be while beating up Willy for information – but I ignored them because I was a silly little teenage girl with a crush. And maybe that's what destroyed our relationship, long before he lost his soul: my unwillingness to see what was always right in front of me.
I won't be doing that with Faith.
I can't even cry, because really, it was inevitable. I broke up with Scott.
The tension between us has been climbing, and it's mainly to do with the fact that I'm stronger than him and I have to save him all the time. Once again being the Slayer ruins my dating life.
I find him out in a cemetery and trying to take on a vampire by himself, and I'm willing to let this one time slide but then more show up and he just doesn't listen when I tell him to get to safety and save himself. He almost gets himself killed.
There's bitterness and there's anger, but in his eyes I also see excitement. He loves the danger; the rush it gives him. I can't deny that sometimes I get that rush too, but the difference between us is that I can handle myself and will actually walk out of the battle alive. He won't.
It reminds me of Owen, the boy I tried to date before Angel. I broke things off with him because I didn't want to get him killed, and in my determination to move on from Angel I almost let it happen to Scott.
Of course he doesn't take it well, but when I see him already with another girl I have to wonder if he even liked me to begin with. And I have to wonder if I even liked him.
I know I should be wary, but when Faith comes to us with a genuine want to join our team again, I accept her back and she tells us about the Mayor's plans.
The others don't seem so forgiving, and it's hard to blame them for it. Faith could have killed both Willow and Xander once before. They keep sending me these glares, like they don't get my decision and think I should change my mind, but it's not like I'm giving her a clean slate. She has a lot to make up for, and she knows it.
I ask myself if I could've forgiven Angel, had he come back. Would I have given him a blank slate simply because of my love for him? Now, after realizing a lot of faults in our relationship, I don't think I ever could if he came back tomorrow or next week, but had he come back before all that I'm afraid that I probably might've.
Though unlike Angel, Faith earns her redemption and she helps us take down the Mayor when he ascends on Graduation Day. We quit the Council before she tells me that she's leaving for LA.
"I think there's always been one Slayer all this time for a reason, B," she says. "Two Slayers don't get along. Not for long, anyway."
Wesley goes with her, having been fired from the Council for his incompetence. It helps him see eye to eye with Giles, and I think he feels responsible for making the situation with Faith worse. Cordy leaves for LA too, and we part on a pretty good note.
But what do I do now?
I think I know why a Slayer is kept apart from the rest of society; because then she'll never discover the disappointing let down of never having a relationship ever.
A normal guy won't cut it. It's too dangerous. As for having a relationship with any kind of demon, well, Angel is the only footnote I need on that kind of relationship prospect.
But I still want to feel something, only without the baggage of having an actual relationship. So when I meet Parker Abrams and discover that he has a habit of sleeping with girls only once and ditch them afterwards, I agree to have sex with him and we spend the night. I'm not disappointed in the morning, because we both got what we needed and that's all I wanted from him.
I have to hold back, but I guess that's just the way it's going to be from now on.
And why the hell does Spike keep coming back?
Parker introduces me to his friends, and I sleep with all of them. They each in turn introduce me to their friends, and the cycle continues.
Sometimes we go back to my dorm when Willow's not there. More often than not I wake up and find the bed empty and the guy gone. Some of the more courteous ones leave a note, but others don't even bother to do that.
Most of the time I go back to their dorms, and then it's the other way around. I'm gone in the morning long before they wake up, though I'm in the habit of leaving a note behind. Sometimes I don't even leave in the morning; they ask me to leave right after we do it, and I don't complain. It's not like we need to snuggle after it happens.
I always make a point of telling the guy my intentions; it's just sex, it's only going to happen once and nothing will come from it. I always make sure the guy knows that, because I don't want to break any hearts. I just want to touch little pieces of Heaven whenever I can.
Wash, rinse, repeat. I sleep with a guy named Forrest who tells me about his friend Riley…
Riley Finn, corn-fed Iowa boy. The living embodiment of what a nice guy should be – and the living embodiment of the colour beige.
I mean, there's nothing really wrong with him, but he just seems so…boring. He talks about his farm and cars and driving like it's actually a thing, and all I can do is nod along with a false smile on my face.
He's not even interested in sex. He wants an actual relationship with me, and while I'm flattered, I can't do it. I've seen what nice guys become when they get involved in the Slayer's world, and I don't want that to happen to Riley. He can find a nice, normal girl to settle down with and I can continue to have sex with any guy whose wants and needs match my own.
It's the way of the world.
I want to cry. I want to scream at the Powers That Be for making my life so unfair. I want to yell at Willow for doing this to me.
I was going to marry Spike, and I was happy.
Out of context that would be majorly wiggy and disgusting because it's Spike, and even though he's got something in his head that stops him from hurting people that doesn't take away the fact that he's an evil vampire who's killed a lot of people in the past, and tried to kill me and my friends too many times to count.
But one whacky spell from Willow has us all lovey-dovey and kissing and bickering like lovers do, and for the hours it lasts I'm happy in bliss. I let myself love again.
So when the spell ends and everything's back to normal I just feel so empty. It's like how I felt after I killed Angel, and I'm definitely not comparing this to that, but it's almost the same feeling of loss and I spend the next few days just going through the motions.
The one thought on my mind is how Spike could make me feel more loved than I ever felt with Angel.
"I've never been this excited about anybody before. And I'm not gonna walk away because I think it might not work."
I look at Riley carefully – his commando uniform, his boy-toy gun and his wide pleading grin – and I know that I can't do this.
It would be so easy to give in and date him, because he seems like the compromise I've been wishing for. A normal human guy who can handle demons and fight alongside me. But closer evaluation makes me realize that he's just like Owen and Scott, maybe even worse than them.
To him this is an adventure; a fever dream that only exists in the fantasies of boys. And didn't he admit only a few weeks ago that he doesn't think girls can take care of themselves? So who's to say that we won't have the same problems I had with Scott; that he'll eventually resent me for my strength and speed and me having to save him all the time?
There's also the fact that we have no chemistry, share nothing in common and he's about as exciting as watching paint dry.
"The answer is no," I tell him, and walk away.
It doesn't hurt. I accepted long ago that I won't have a relationship.
I think everyone has a moment when they realize that an aspect of their life isn't how they've always thought it to be; that there's some badness hidden in the good.
That's how I feel when I walk into Giles's home and find everyone there, sat down, ready to give me an intervention.
They're worried about my behaviour; my sleeping round with lots of guys, but more importantly, why I would turn down such a great guy like Riley. It's shocking how condescending they are about it. They say they're doing it for my own good, but really all I hear is "we want you to do this and we don't care if it's not what you want because you haven't been emotionally competent since Angelus and we think you need help". It's kind of insulting.
I make it clear that this is my life, and I choose to live it how I want. If they don't like that, then we have nothing to say to each other.
"A girl doesn't need a guy in her life in order to make her happy."
They think I'm being too harsh, but when I ask what their reactions would be if I butted into their dating lives they go quiet pretty quickly. The whole thing makes me realize that they've always been like this when it comes to my dating life; Willow in particular, who was always support-o girl when it came to Owen, Angel, Scott, Riley…
The biggest surprise is when Spike takes my side.
I should be disgusted instead of scared, but really, I can't conjure it up because what Spike's saying is true. I do have a death wish. I think I've had one ever since Angel lost his soul.
Sleeping with guys in order to feel something, refusing to love again… I've been telling myself that I'm fine, but I know I'm not. I closed up after Angel, and even more so after Scott. The fact that I've slipped up now instead of sooner is because my life's just been getting worse; Mom's headaches which could be something far more terrifying, some demon skank with bad hair coming after my little sister who technically doesn't exist…
And yeah, spending time with a creature I'm supposed to hate tops that list, though really right now I can do worse than Spike.
The way he's taunting me, though… There's something else hidden in those eyes, and the way he says, "You know you wanna dance," makes me wonder if there's a hidden meaning in there somewhere – and part of me thinks that hidden meaning is him asking me to have sex with him.
I haven't had any in a while now. I've moved out of the dorms, been helping Mom around the house and protecting Dawn, and I just haven't had time to get any. And really, the only potential guy I've met is a cute medical intern at the hospital who I spoke with when Mom first collapsed. But he seems more of the serious-relationship type instead of a one-night-stand type, so maybe not.
Maybe this sleeping around business is going too far; maybe it's just fuelling my death wish. I don't know, but I have to think it over, and I need to do it without Spike staring at me with thinly concealed lust in his eyes.
So I throw him his money and run.
Maybe I'm just impossibly bad at reading early warning signs, or I just like to ignore them far too much for my own good. Because all the signs were there and they were so obvious that literal signs with words would've been less conspicuous.
Spike has feelings for me. Weird comments every now and again, helping out while not asking for anything in return, hanging out wherever I am… God, even Dawn figured it out before me.
I'm not really sure what to think. I should be disgusted but I'm not, because after the amount of guys I slept with in freshman year I'm really not one to talk; I don't hold myself on some pedestal, thinking that every man is unworthy of me. If anything it's the other way around. And I already know that Spike can feel despite being soulless.
But as he stands there in the warehouse, staring at me with eyes filled with lust like back in the alley outside the Bronze – only there's something else in them too, something far more tender – I can't help but feel a little scared. Not of him, because he can't hurt me, but of what he's implying.
I feel something awakening, something that died after Willow's spell…
"It's not so unusual," he says, walking slowly towards me like a predator on the hunt. "Two people, spendin' time in the workplace… Feelings develop."
I'm not sure what he's trying to say or what he even wants, but if he just wants to have sex with me then all he has to do is ask. I know it's wrong, but as I stare into Spike's eyes I realize that part of me doesn't care. And I haven't exactly been Queen of the Role-Model Heroes in the past couple of years.
I haven't had any in a while and with things temporarily going OK – Mom recovering from surgery, Dawn knowing who she is, Glory unusually quiet – I think I can afford to feed my own needs. And there's the vampire stamina bonus; with Spike I won't have to hold back.
"Fine," I tell him with a shrug. "If that's what you want then we'll have sex."
At first he looks confused by my words, but then his entire face lights up like a Christmas tree and I can't ignore just how goddamn adorable he is.
Did I ever mention that my life as the Slayer totally sucks?
I'm always on the lookout. Always aware, always ready. It's a force of habit; all part of the job. Rarely do things take me by surprise anymore, which is why I'm shocked and stuttering and completely thrown off my guard when I walk with Spike into his crypt and find Drusilla waiting.
At first I think it's a trap set up by Spike – saying that he wants to have sex with me in order to throw me off my guard and come back to his crypt with him – but when I turn to confront him I see that he's just as shocked to see her here as I am. Spike's never been a good liar, the only exception being when he tricked all of us during his team-up with Adam, and even then we figured it out pretty quickly.
"I told you that you were covered in her, my Spike," says Drusilla in that cryptic way she always talks. "The sunshine is taking you away from Mummy. I've come to save you."
"Maybe I don't want to be saved, Dru," says Spike, and he gives me a small sideways glance. In his eyes I see something I saw before, but here there's no lust covering it up and I have to wonder if he just wants to have sex with me or if he wants something more.
"But you taste like ashes. Naughty." Drusilla shakes her head. "I can fix you, my darling boy. I can make you my dark prince again. All I have to do is snuff out the light and you will come back to me."
"Dru!" Spike leaps at her with panic in his eyes – why is he panicking? I thought he wanted me dead? – but Drusilla slashes his face with her sharp nails and he's sent reeling back with a painful cry.
I take out my stake and run at Drusilla, but she turns and…does something.
I drop my stake.
I see something…beautiful. A wonderful place that feels safe, warm, protected… If I go there then I'll be done. No more fighting. No more slaying. No more pain and suffering. Everyone will be fine. I'll be able to rest in peace, knowing that my duty has been fulfilled. I've given the world everything I can, and I deserve something in return.
A piece of Heaven.
"Do you want it?" Drusilla asks. And I do. I want to go there.
Suddenly I see the point of a stake come out of her heart, and her eyes widen before she turns to dust.
I shake my head and my thoughts clear. I realize that she was going to kill me and I was going to let her. I never knew it could be as simple as that; the death wish Spike spoke of before. But I don't think this time counts as much because Drusilla had me in a thrall and I would have staked her otherwise.
Spike stands before me and I realize that he staked her. Spike staked his sire – the woman he loved for well over a century – in order to save me.
Spike staked her because of me.
Before I can say anything – apologize, offer words of comfort – Spike closes the distance between us and kisses me with violent desperation. I try to back away from him but it's almost as if he senses my panic and he calms a little, pulling away and covering my face with soft little kisses.
He stops and our foreheads touch as his eyes slide closed. "Come to bed with me," he whispers. A teardrop hits my cheek, and I realize that he's on the verge of crying and doing his best to hold it all in. "Please, Buffy… Let…let me make love to you."
Make love. I know those words should send me running. Those words are dangerous, especially coming from Spike. I'm all up for sex if it's meaningless, but this… I'm not sure if I can deal with this.
But he's just staked Drusilla to save my life, and really, I owe him for that.
I nod, because one night can't hurt.
I've lost count of the amount of one-night stands I've had. I guess that's because they were all the same in terms of what happened; we went to bed, had a good fuck, fell asleep, gone by morning. I know I should be ashamed that I don't even remember most of their names, but I doubt most of them can remember mine, either.
My point is they were all the same. A fuck. Meaningless.
I can barely recall my first time with Angel; all I remember is at the time I thought it was magical. But since I've been broadening my horizons I've come to realize that it was just awkward and all over the place, which I guess is the case with most first times, but that doesn't change anything.
So in terms of experience, I would have to say 'average'. I got what I needed and wanted but none of it was really outstanding or amazing.
But even with nothing to compare, I know that Spike…is all of those things and more.
Gentle. Passionate. Tender. Loving.
He makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time, even now when he's asleep and I'm curled up in his arms and we're snuggling. I've never snuggled, not even with Angel. He's not leaving the bed and he's making it clear that I'm not leaving the bed, either.
He made love to me.
I'm freaked and I'm scared and I know I shouldn't be, but I am. My brain is screaming that this is Spike and sleeping with him in any capacity is wrong, but I never cared about that. Not until I realized he wasn't fucking but instead loving.
I did the vampire thing with Angel. I know it can't happen again.
Why?
Why, why, why?
Why give me the one piece of Heaven I know I can never touch again?
I don't talk to Willow. She was never helpful with her support-o speeches about all the other guys I tried dating, and in this case she'll either give the same stupid 'go for it' advice or she'll let her dislike for Spike get in the way.
I don't talk to Giles, either. Though he made it clear before that he trusts my judgement in terms of sleeping with guys, I think he'll draw the line at Spike the soulless vampire. And there'll be stake-age involved.
So I go and talk to the one person I can trust: Mom.
I expect her to at least be a little angry at me for getting involved with another vampire again, especially since she's made it clear many times that she doesn't like Angel. But she doesn't, and I'm reminded that for some twisted reason she likes Spike. And he likes her back. I don't get it, and neither does anyone else.
"You shouldn't put yourself down like this, Buffy," she tells me. "You're an amazing young woman and I think Spike realizes that."
"But he's a vampire," I point out.
"And a completely different vampire to Angel," she says back. "I'm not going to push you into anything you don't want to do, but just because things didn't work out between you and Angel doesn't mean they won't work with Spike. Don't be afraid to love again."
I know she has a point. I know that the problems between me and Angel weren't just the vampire angle.
But it's still Spike, and he's soulless and he used to be my mortal enemy. That complicates things right off the bat, and I don't think I can handle that.
I might have sex with him again, though. Because the sex was amazing.
I know I really, really shouldn't, but when Ben asks me out I find myself accepting his offer.
It's Spike's presence that makes me do it; his whispered words in my ear, just daring me to give him another chance, and doing that is the first thing on my list of things to never do again, so I panic.
And maybe I can give normal another go. Maybe Ben will be different from the other guys.
Spike's hurt, and I have to look away from him to stop myself from hurting, too. And then he's pissed, which I guess is a bonus because that leads to him hitting on another girl who turns out to be a robot and throws him through a window which Xander complains about repairing before realizing that he's turned into one of those grown-ups who sees the world through their job.
I guess that makes me a grown-up, too.
The robot problem is solved pretty quickly the next day, and I find myself sat on the swings with a slowly dying April.
"I did everything I was supposed to," she says, her voice growing weaker. "I was a good girlfriend. If I can't love him…what am I for? What do I exist for?"
"A girl doesn't need a guy in her life in order to make her happy." I repeat the words from before, back when my friends were cornering me and I was defending myself, and it's true. A girl doesn't need a guy to make her strong; make her happy. She doesn't need one to feel like she has a purpose or to make her life not empty.
That doesn't mean a girl can't have one, or want one. Everyone deserves to have someone to love; someone to cherish and hold at night while they sleep. A girl and a guy, two girls, two guys… It doesn't matter. Everyone needs someone.
Spike needs someone.
I need someone.
I leave a message on Ben's answering machine, cancelling the coffee date.
Very few times have I been scared in my life – or at least, my Slayer life. I was scared when I faced my first vampire, and then Lothos, then the Master, then Angelus… I kind of got used to Big Bads after that, but there were still other things to be scared of like being pinned by a hyena-possessed Xander, losing my powers, almost losing Dawn to Glory, discovering that something's wrong with Mom…
Speaking of that last one…
None of that compares to finding a note on the kitchen table, left by Spike, saying that he's taken Mom to the hospital.
I can only call Giles before I run over there as fast as I can. Thank god for Slayer speed. When I get there Spike's in the waiting room, and it doesn't matter that I'm trying to avoid him and these weird and strange and confusing feelings for him, because he drove Mom to hospital and that could mean all the difference between life and death. I hug him and he holds me close, letting me spill the few tears I can manage onto his shirt.
He explains that he stopped by to see Mom – not to see me – when he smelt something in Mom's head and heard her blood flow running funny, so convinced her to let him bring her in, and when she got here she collapsed and was rushed into surgery. He hasn't heard anything since.
Giles arrives. Willow and Tara arrive. Xander and Anya arrive. Dawn's still at school, but it's best that she doesn't know anything until we have news…
Hours past, at least it feels like hours, before the doctor comes out. All I hear is 'aneurysm' and 'in time' and 'fine' and I'm overwhelmed with relief.
Spike saved Mom.
I hug him again, and I think I crush a rib but I don't care and I don't think he does, either.
I'm afraid to love.
It should be nothing new, what with the one-night-stands and the bad experiences before and my reluctance when it comes to Spike. I know I should give him a crumb, especially after the near miss with Mom, but I'm scared and confused and I don't know what to do.
Giles tells me there's a Slayer Quest in the desert, not far from here. I agree to go.
I'm unsure whether or not to ask my question when my guide turns out to be the First Slayer, but she's not in a crazy killing rage like before and she's actually talking, so I decide to trust her.
"Love is pain," she tells me. "The Slayer forges strength from pain. Risk the pain, for it will lead you to your gift. Love will lead you to your gift."
She doesn't say what my gift is and just disappears.
Love and pain go hand in hand. I think I said something like that before; that love goes hand in hand with pain and fighting. That's where the passion comes from. And as for forging strength from pain… I forge strength from love, which is pain, and that's what keeps me here according to Spike. Love.
She says to risk the pain. When I loved Angel, blinded though I was, I felt that the pain afterwards was, in a way, worth the happiness I felt with him before. To feel that again would be amazing, though I would have to risk the same amount of pain that's made me fear love in the first place.
Maybe I could give Spike a chance.
I'm not even surprised when Xander tells me that Spike's been kidnapped by Glory. Of course this happens just when I decide to give him a chance; to risk my heart again. Now I'm suffering the pain before the loving even begins.
But it doesn't take long to track Spike down, and by the time we get there he's already half way through his own escape plan. I can't help but smile at how typically Spike that is, especially since it's day and he wouldn't get far anyway.
Giles thinks we should stake him, because he must have told Glory about Dawn. I don't think he has because Spike loves me, and even if he didn't he cares about Dawn and would never give her up. Even Xander agrees with me for once, noting that Spike looks thrashed and Anya points out that he would've been staked right away had he told Glory anything.
Spike confirms it when I ask him later, and just seeing him look so beaten – so in pain – and all because he doesn't want to see me in pain and because he cares about me and Dawn…it makes me all the more sure of my decision to give him a chance.
I kiss him.
This is how I'm supposed to go out; in the heat of battle with my friends and family around me, so determined to help me save the world that they don't care if this is how they go out, too.
Mom and Anya are firing with some crossbows from the side-lines while protecting a healing Tara, Willow's letting her magic loose, Giles is in the thick of it and Xander's swinging a wrecking ball around with glee. And Spike is at the top of the tower, rescuing my sister from the terrible fate of unleashing Hell on Earth.
Though when I see someone else up there, I leave Ben lying defeated on the ground and go up to help.
There's a creepy old man cutting Dawn, and when he turns to me I push him over the side before he even finishes his sentence. I find Spike crouched over, weak and bleeding, but he starts to get up just as I get Dawn loose.
I probably should have stopped the blood first.
The portal opens. The world begins to end. I won't let Dawn die.
I have the same blood as her. I can jump, too.
But then Spike pushes me aside, takes several sips of Dawn's blood, and with one last loving look in my direction he turns and jumps into the portal himself.
I expect to see his dust settle on the ground below. What I don't expect is the portal closing and a very much unliving Spike falling to the ground a little worse for wear.
On the way back to our house Giles explains that the portal can only close when the blood flows no more, and since Spike doesn't have a blood flow and is technically dead, him jumping in closed it almost instantly. I hug him and kiss him in front of everyone, and there's not as much protest as I expected there to be, which I guess is a good thing all around if a little anti-climactic.
The only thing to do now is hunt down the demons that did make it through the portal before it closed, which is easier said than done because I didn't see everything that came through.
Spike called it a dance. Him and me fighting each other, parrying back and forth; looking back on it all, I think he's right.
But I think I prefer it when he's fighting by my side. When we team up and utterly destroy the demons we fight, no matter how many there are and how strong they are, it makes our subtle tangos before look like a bunch of teenagers at the Bronze.
Though when we are actually at the Bronze among the teenagers and their bad dancing, we really get to let loose with real dancing and show them who the masters are.
But the fighting and dancing together aside, everything else has been just as perfect. Spike has inserted himself into my life without much effort whatsoever, and between the mind-blowing sex that's become common between us – to the extent that we can give Xander and Anya a run for their money – we're hanging at the Bronze, hanging at home, going out for dinner, going to the movies and just being with each other wherever we can. We do couply things, and any non-couply things we make couply things.
He's insanely protective over Mom and Dawn. When he's not sitting down and drinking hot chocolate with Mom – but he was already doing that before, so nothing's really changed there – he's pestering her to keep her appointments at the hospital. She'll be on blood thinners for the rest of her life, but I don't care because she's here and safe and alive, and I have Spike to thank for that.
With Dawn he's a surprisingly good tutor and actually gets her to do her homework without argument, so now I'm convinced he really does have some kind of thrall which only works on bratty little teenagers under the age of sixteen. And Dawn always goes to him for advice, which bugged me a little at first but hearing his honest answers I can see why she would go to him instead of me or even Mom. He understands her and life a lot more than he should, being a vampire and all, and he doesn't treat her like a kid. I still need to break that habit.
It all makes me realize that Angel never did this; he never got to know my family. He didn't even try. He spoke to Mom only twice – and the second time was when he didn't have a soul and basically said I'd had sex with him to her face – though he did keep an eye on her, even saving her once. But I get the feeling he only did that because he knew I cared about her, not because he liked her in his own way. Spike does, and really, that puts him in a better light.
The fact that Spike's trying to get to know everyone just proves how serious he is about me. He and Tara are a joy to watch, he can talk with Anya for hours, and even Willow has let down her defences and gotten to know him. I think Xander's still wary but I've caught them playing pool together at the Bronze and talking about sports and comics – and I'm almost certain Spike has bribed Xander's sort-of friendship with a collection of first edition Avengers comics.
And as for Spike and Giles? British bonding. It's nice to see them getting along, especially since Giles hasn't had a thing for potentially good vampires since Angel did the whole girlfriend-murdering thing, but do I really have to hear about how soccer is really called football and how football is just an uncivilized version of something called rugby? And if I have to hear one more talk about how we Americans can't make good beer or tea or chocolate…
Again, I can't help but compare him to Angel. I think the only time he made an effort with any of my friends was when Ford came to town and Angel was jealous so went to Willow in order to get her to help investigate. Not that I needed the help, since I figured out on my own that Ford was up to something. Did he always have that little faith in me and felt the need to protect me?
There really is no comparison.
The little gifts Spike gives me, surprising me after a long day just because he knows I'd want to see him, just content to be with me without needing to have sex repeatedly, even though the sex is really, really good…
It doesn't take me long to realize that I'm completely in love with Spike.
What breaks my heart is that I'm afraid to tell him.
What I do instead is give him the Gem of Amara. He came for it almost two years ago, and after I took it from him I hid it in my jewellery box since I didn't know what else to do with it outside of destroy it, and I didn't want to do that in case it ever came in handy. Now I'm glad I didn't destroy it, because Spike can come out in the sun with me and I won't have to worry about him catching on fire or getting staked accidentally.
He's overwhelmed when I give it to him, and I tell him that I trust him now. I hope he can read between the lines and figure out what I'm really trying to tell him.
Dawn's fifteenth birthday feels more important than it should be. Probably because it's her first official birthday we've actually celebrated outside of our false memories. None of us say that outright, obviously. We just strive to give her the best birthday ever.
I even invite Faith and her gang from LA. She and Wesley have become Private Investigators along with Cordelia, and have since been joined by another demon hunter named Gunn, a sweet and intelligent former student named Fred and a harmless demon named Lorne. It's really sweet watching Fred and Wesley interact, and I think Faith and Gunn could be the Darkhorse that overtakes both me and Spike and Xander and Anya for couple who has sex the most.
Even Cordelia's found love, I realize, when a guy arrives late to the party looking for her and she jumps into his arms all happy and weepy because he's from another dimension and she thought she'd never see him again. And what kind of name is Groo, anyway?
The party really gets started when Lorne sets up a karaoke machine and asks us all to take it in turns singing, which sounds ridiculous and fun at the same time, and I never even knew there were demons who could read people through singing.
It's all going so well, and I don't even worry that birthday parties usually end in disaster because I'm having too much fun.
So I don't pay attention to my bad feelings when the door knocks and I go to answer it. I probably should have put my drink down first.
I open the door.
"Buffy."
The glass slips from my hand and smashes on the floor.
It's Angel.
Screaming. Crying. I don't know who's doing what.
My face is buried into Spike's shirt, and I'm shaking uncontrollably. Spike is growling, his chest vibrating as he holds me close and away from my ex-boyfriend.
Angel.
Angel's come back.
How? When? Why?
Xander has a cross. Giles has a crossbow. They all think he's Angelus until Tara and Lorne read him and say he has a soul, which makes sense because he had a soul the last time I saw him – when I sent him to Hell.
It feels like an old scar has been reopened.
Angel explains that he fell out of some kind of portal, feral and wild, and Giles deduces that Angel was one of the many demons who crossed over from a hell dimension when Glory's portal opened and the walls between worlds almost shattered. Angel then explains that he stayed away until he was healed properly, and I want to scream at him; demand why he has to come back and see me at all after what he did, especially now that I've moved on.
Now that I'm in love with someone else.
It's Mom who lets him in. She says that we all need to calm down and talk this out, and when she looks at me I know what she's trying to say. Part of me is still afraid to love – and if I face the reason of that fear, then maybe it'll go away.
Angel and I sit in silence for minutes. Were things always this awkward between us?
"You've grown," he says finally. He sounds surprised. Did he expect that I'd be a teenage girl forever? "But you still look beautiful."
I can't look at him. "Don't make this harder than it has to be," I tell him. "You know we can't be together."
"But if I find a way to secure the curse-"
"But it wasn't just your curse." I rise to my feet. "Angel, I barely know you. You were always closed off and you never told me anything. Fighting demons is the only thing we have in common. I never loved anyone like I loved you, and I was blinded and in too deep to realize that it was nothing more than an overblown crush; I just loved the idea of you."
He looks hurt, but I can't soften the blow. He needs to hear this. "Buffy, what's gotten into you? You're…you're my destiny."
My eyebrows rise. "Really, your destiny? You kinda screwed that up when you lost your soul. And why didn't you love me when you lost it? Makes me wonder if you really loved me at all, and only thinking of me as your destiny-"
"It was more than that!" he protests, getting to his feet, too. "When I first saw you I knew you were the one. You were still in LA, and you were sitting on the steps of your school when your first Watcher approached you-"
"Hemery?!" Does that mean…? "That was when I was fifteen, you pervert!"
He blinks, taken aback. My god, does he not see the issue with that?! It just makes the stalking thing he did ten times creepier!
"You're different," he finally says.
"I grew up," I tell him. "I had to after everything you put me through. I look at you now and I can't believe I was hung up on you for so long. I was afraid to love again because of what happened with you; I just slept with random guys, getting what I wanted and needed without the extra baggage of an actual relationship that came with actual emotions. You made me afraid to love, Angel. And now, when I've finally decided to give it another chance, you come back here and reopen old wounds."
He frowns. "Give love another chance?" I almost laugh. Of course that's what he takes away from what I've just said. "With who?"
I roll my eyes. "I don't have time for this. Tonight is Dawn's birthday, and it was supposed to be a happy occasion. We can talk more tomorrow, but right now you need to leave." I turn and walk out the room.
But Angel follows me. "Buffy, I…I can prove myself. We can still be together! Just give me a chance to make it up to you!"
I whirl on him. I don't care that we're stood right outside the living room and everyone can hear us. "Do you not get it, Angel? I'm over you." And I mean it. My real problem was just being afraid to love again, but it's surprising just how fast that fear is shrinking while facing Angel. I don't want him ruining my life any further than he already has. "And you can never make it up to me after what you did."
"But we had something!" It's like I'm talking to a brick wall. Did none of what I said earlier get inside his thick skull? "Why won't you give me another chance?"
"Because I'm in love with Spike!"
I don't mean to say it – I never thought I could say it – but it has the desired effect and Angel is left speechless. Then, without another word, he lets himself out.
Only then do I remember that everyone is watching me, and I turn to see their reactions. There's surprise, but also understanding and happiness; happiness for me. Even from Giles and Xander.
The only one who is completely and utterly surprised is Spike himself.
"You love me?"
We're sat outside on the porch. Everyone has gone home and Mom and Dawn are in bed.
I nod. "I'm sorry that's how you had to find out. I…I just couldn't tell you before. It's not that I didn't want to, because I did, but…after everything that happened to me I was afraid to love again. And I was afraid that if I told you then something bad would happen and I'd lose you, and it'd be worse than when I lost Angel because I love you more than I ever loved him…" I feel the tears coming fast and I try to force them back. "And then Angel was there and all my fear vanished and… Oh god, what if he tries to kill you?"
"He can bloody well try. C'mere, sweetheart." He pulls me to him and we just hold each other, both of us taking comfort in our lifelines. Or would that be unlifeline in my case?
"I love you," I tell him, saying it how I've wanted to say it for a long time; short and simple, and all he needs to hear.
I feel him begin to shake with joy and he holds me closer. "I love you, too."
Somewhere nearby I feel Angel's presence, but I ignore it. He's not going to ruin my night any further than he already has.
I'm not surprised to see Angel the next morning. I am surprised by what he says.
"I think you're right," he says. "About only having an ideal of love; seeing what I want to see. What I said was true, about thinking of you as my destiny, and I think that's the problem. I linked you to my redemption; my only hope of atoning for all I've done. But that blinded me to the real mission."
"I guess we were both blind in our relationship," I say.
"I don't need to be with you in order to atone for my sins," he continues. "And after what happened, I think it's best that I'm not around you anymore. The demon is closer to the surface than even I thought…" He sighs, looking away. "I'm sorry I can't be what you want or need."
"I don't think you ever were."
He nods. "Faith offered me a place on her team."
I get that. She probably feels sympathy for him because she gets it, wanting and needing to atone for things that could be unforgivable. No matter what happened in the past, and even though we live in different cities, Faith and I are friends.
I wonder if Angel and I can ever be friends.
"She's pretty good at the atoning thing," I comment.
Angel nods again. "I saw you and Spike last night. You looked…happy. I don't think I'll ever be OK with it, but if he makes you happy then that's all that matters."
He leaves, and though he gives Spike a half-hearted threat about what will happen if he ever hurts me, we part on a good note. Part of me wonders if this is all a dream and I'll wake up to a still raging Angel and bigger problems than before.
But a pinch confirms that this is real. Angel is on his way to moving on from me without me around, just like I moved on from him when he was still in Hell. Maybe being away from loved ones makes you really think about them.
Once upon a time I would've given anything to have Angel back in my life, because he was my piece of Heaven. Now I'm willingly letting him go.
Because I've got my piece of Heaven with Spike, and I'm never letting it go.