- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Traitorous Black's Hot Hotseat

Episode II: The Other Best Friend

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Welcome again, everyone, to TB's HHS. Today's a very special episode, not because we are going to be published—which is going to happen soon—but because of our very special guest, Mister Remus John Lupin!

Mister Peter Pettigrew: (holds up a cardboard with writing in TB's messy scrawl: Applause!)

Mister James Potter and Miss Lily Evans: (comply and applause)

Mister Remus Lupin: (is silent)

Mister Lupin, welcome!

(is silent)

(pouts) Moony?

(is still silent)

Are you mad at me because your episode is called "The Other Best Friend"?

(looks up from the book he is reading) I'm not offended by that at all, actually. I'm just glad it's not "The Beastling", "The Puppy", "Wolfboy", or any other "endearment" that you have for me.

You forgot "My Cousin". We are both from Order Carnivora, Family Canidae. Just because I'm unwanted doesn't mean that I'm not a part of—

Right, of course. How could I have forgotten the one with the taxonomic explanation?

Okay, stop. Don't even go there, Mister Lupin. Don't give me that sarcasm thing.

TB, do me a favor. Don't be rude to your guests.

(whispers) Remy, sweet, don't tell me what to do. It's my show; I'm boss. And don't you dare try correcting my impeccable grammar. Contain yourself for a few minutes.

(is silent)

(glares)

(rolls eyes)

Wow. (laughs The Talk Show Host Laugh) You are out of character today. So easily angered, and the full moon's not even close. Let me guess… aaah… girl trouble.

(frowns)

(tries not to strangle The Other Best Friend) What?

You're mocking me.

What! How?

You know I'm far from having a girl and I'm the last person in here to ever have girl trouble.

Okay. Well, boy trouble, then.

That's not what I meant, dolt.

(raises an eyebrow) Well, others seem to think that that's the case, Mister Lupin. I mean… as far as I know, there's a lot of sexual tension between the two of us. (sniggers)

Mister Peter Pettigrew: (holds up a cardboard with writing in TB's messy scrawl: Laugh!)

Audience: (isn't laughing)

Mister James Potter: Come full moon, TB, you are a dead man.

(nervous chuckle)

Aren't you going to ask me anything worthwhile?

Moony, don't be so derisive. Here, let's talk about… nuts.

Mister James Potter: Nuts?

(snaps fingers irritably) It was the first thing that popped into my head! You have no right to look at me like that.

Mister James Potter: Like what?

Mister Remus Lupin: Like you think he's really stupid.

Miss Lily Evans: I think it's a very suitable look.

Mister James Potter: Yeah, me too. (grins happily and kisses Miss Evans)

I'm not liking this episode at all.

And why not? I think it's wonderful, smashing.

Moony, be quiet. I'm having a morose moment.

You don't have morose moments.

Yes, I do. I'm having one right now.

It's not a genuine morose moment. You're faking it.

(sniggers)

What?

(continues sniggering) Faking it… (sniggers)

Mister Remus Lupin: It's impossible, James. He's such a pervert.

Mister James Potter: (shrugs)

Okay. I am now composed and ready to swerve this thing toward the right direction, and emerge from it unscathed, heroic, and good-looking.

You're really going to do that? Because… you know… you've never done anything like that before. You have an unnatural talent for swerving things toward the worst paths that could possibly be taken. Plus, you always emerge from such operations ungraceful, with broken limbs and acting like a complete lunatic.

(grins at how composed he still is) See how that comment just slides off, Moony? I'm ignoring it so well, you know.

Mister James Potter: You know, this is actually turning out to be quite funny. Good job, Moony.

And Sirius, of course. Good job to Traitorous Black first and foremost, because he is the host and producer of the bloody show. Now, Remus, what is this I've been hearing about you and Linda Abbot? Are you really making good with her?

Sirius, I told you, no talking about girls. I know nobody really watches your show, but I would still like to keep my personal life personal.

But I… Rem—Mister Lupin, Mister Jack Higgins of the house of Ravenclaw has been heard muttering under his breath, threatening to claw your eyes off if you ever lay a finger (or two) on Miss Abbot. As you know, these two are going out, but rumour has it that Miss Linda Abbot actually has the hots for you.

Sirius, stop being such a gossip. It's not doing anything for your masculinity.

Oh, Mister Lupin, you know that I don't care about such inane things. I know that I am a man. That, to me, is enough.

But are you a real man?

(snaps at Mister Lupin) Yes!

Miss Lily Evans: But weren't you just telling me the other day how Remus looked really sexy when he woke up that morning?

I said that jokingly. I said he looked really sexy because, truthfully, he looked like shit.

Mister James Potter: Remus looks really sexy when he looks like shit.

Mister Peter Pettigrew: I'm gonna have to agree with that.

Mister Remus Lupin: Thanks, I guess.

I am bloody masculine. I'm not gay, okay. Gay is not Sirius Black. Gay is Amos Diggory's brother, who comes up to virtually any bloke and says, "Hey, nice penis" without actually knowing what a penis looks like because he doesn't bloody have one. That is gay.

Audience: (starts sniggering madly)

Damn it. Shut up!

Audience: (still sniggering)

I just snogged Mandy Taylor's brains off about a half hour ago. She could have died and gone to heaven after that. Ask her if I'm gay.

Stop being so defensive, Sirius.

Stop accusing me of being gay, Remus.

Mister James Potter: I was talking to Leon Wilkes the other day. He mentioned something about you being a phenomenal kisser.

That is a lie, James! He probably only knows that because his girlfriend told him and asked him to be more like me. I used to make that girl moan.

Mister James Potter: Yeah, you used to do that before you decided to snog blokes instead.

Shut up! That is out of line. You are all out of line! This episode is over.

Sirius, you remember your favorite muggle song? By Aerosmith, right? What was it again? "Walk This Way"?

No. That's my third favorite. It's "Satisfaction" by The Bowling Stones, and something by The Beatles. I forget what it's called.

Mister Remus Lupin and Miss Lily Evans: (laugh like wild man and woman)

Mister Remus Lupin: The Rolling Stones, Sirius. Rolling.

Mister James Potter: Oh! Oh! I know the one by The Beatles! (starts singing) Help me if you can, I'm feeling do-o-own. And I do appreciate yah being 'rooouuuund! (looks unsure about following lyrics) Lalala lala lala lala-aaa-aa. Won't you please, please help me? …Right, Remus?

Mister Remus Lupin: Yes, James. Perfect.

No! Stop! Stop! That's not the one! It's the one that goes la la la la la la dum dum dum… And that one song about June or Jules… er, Jude.

You don't even know the lyrics to your favorite songs.

Because they're bloody muggle songs! What the hell do I know about muggle songs?

Well, what do you know about wizarding songs? Believe me, even less.

Shut up. This is the worst episode ever. It's so chaotic and shitty. Can you believe how ironic it is that your episode is the wildest one, Remus?

Sirius, you talk as if you've been doing this for years. You've only had two episodes. One of them a frighteningly huge failure, the other about to be a frighteningly huge failure. You really should give up.

No! Shut up! Pete! Go off air now! Oh, and many thanks to Miss Gladys Bishop of Gryffindor, who reviewed and said that we were absolutely amazing. She is a true critic. You are a wonderful woman, Gladys. Let's go to Hogsmeade on Saturday.

Mister James Potter: (singing) I can't get nooo sa-tis-fac-tion. I can't get nooo sa-tis-fac-tion. 'Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I tryyyy!

(sighs) Next guest is Miss Lily Evans. It's gonna be sizzling hot. Ssssssizzzle.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Viewer Comments

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Miss Lily Evans

We never talked about me guesting. I'm not going to show up.

Mister James Potter

What exactly does he mean when he says that it's going to be sizzling hot? He's not allowed to say things like that about my girlfriend.

Mister Peter Pettigrew

I thought this was a really great episode. I'm willing to bet that after that heated argument about Sirius' masculinity, we are going to go off the charts.

Mister Greg Diggory

I do not go up to people and say "Nice penis!" This show is absolutely outrageous! I have a bloody girlfriend. Black only said that about me because my brother beat Potter's team on last week's Quidditch match. Bloody Gryffindors.

A/N Ahem. It's been… ten months since the first episode. I know I have been virtually dead, and for this I apologize. I know you forgive me, because you're so nice and awesome and absolutely brilliant.

I survive on reviews. Be kind. :D