the courage of stars
"You taught me the courage of stars before you left." - Saturn, Sleeping At Last. / Because when Kai died, everyone had to move on. They just didn't do it in the same way. / Companion fic to "Light Carries On Endlessly."
i.
Ikki paints. She splatters bright bursts of red and gold and blue and tries to ignore how awfully gray her life is or how bloodshot her eyes are. Her strokes are jabs, short and sharp, just like Kai's life, just like the stump of his arm she had seen before Tenzin had turned her around and it looms in the back of her mind and every time she closes her eyes she sees it.
She paints her family, using an old photograph as a reference, and paints the last time it was whole, with her smiling sister who looks far too old now, and her beaming parents who don't carry a weight on her shoulders, and a younger brother who boasted too much but now hides behind a weak bravado, and another younger brother who doesn't understand and Ikki hates to think of the day he when he will.
When it comes to filling in the gaps, of herself at the centre, and Kai at Jinora's side, Ikki can never do it. So she starts another picture, and tries to forget.
ii.
Meelo smiles too much. Everything is funny even though nothing really is and his boasts get stuck in his throat and falls flat on his face. He jokes and jabs and grins and laughs because nobody else ever is and Kai had such a bright laugh that seemed to spill out like rushing water and now his throat is dry and his home feels like a desert.
His jokes aren't funny and his laughter feels forced even to himself, because how can he joke when everything feels like one terrible punchline? He doesn't want to paint, because art requires pain but there's too much of it and he sees all of Ikki's discarded works and he has to fight down giggles, strangely enough. He laughs until he cries and then cries some more.
His bravado is a failing facade, and for as much as he says he's Meelo the man, he knows he'll never be half the man that Kai, his big brother, was.
iii.
Rohan doesn't understand. Mommy says Kai is gone, but Kai's been gone before. When is he coming back? he asks Jinora, but she just frowns with sad eyes and doesn't answer. He hates it; Kai always answered his questions. All he knows is that there's going to be a funeral, whatever that is, and there's lots of crying and Jinora has a really nice speech and Rohan can tell she wants to cry really, really badly but she doesn't.
And he thinks, in that moment, that maybe he understands what it is to be strong. And he thinks, maybe, that everyone is wrong, that Kai hasn't left.
You left.
I didn't. Not really.
iv.
Mako doesn't cry. It's just a fact, and one he plans on upholding, because he hasn't cried since that dark night in the alleyway that became far too hot far too fast and how many people does he have to lose to fire? His bending feels sick and wrong because Kai was so bright and a bit of a little shit and smart and funny and his little brother and why did fire have to take him away?
Besides, Mako figures, Bolin cries enough for the both of them, anyway. (A lie. Hadn't he told Kai never to lie?)
I'm sorry for ever giving you a hard time. I'm sorry for not protecting you, Mako thinks, his hands shaking, his soul trembling.
That's okay, I probably deserved it.
Yeah, you kinda did.
Not death but not death not at fifteen not with the world stretching out in front of him not ever. Mako isn't sure when he ends up on the floor. He isn't sure when the tears come, only that they won't stop. And he isn't sure if anybody could ever understand the terrible ache inside of him but then he looks at how it's affecting Jinora and he knows that he has it easy.
v.
Bolin feels like he's failed. He's Kai's big brother - he's Kai's Mako, and Mako always protected him and took care of him and why couldn't Bolin do the same? He remembers scooping Kai up in his arms in a hug - You're really growing up - and he remembers thinking that the kid really was getting up there but now it feels like he's so young, so so young and fragile and small.
And dead.
So Bolin weeps until he thinks he can't possibly cry anymore and then he does.
vi.
Opal has older brothers, and younger brothers, so it only makes sense that Kai's like her brother, right? The easy jabs, elbows in the ribs, the teasing, ruffling his hair and gentle shoving, petty arguments over long days in the sky, having each other's backs in battle. Sister and brother, members of the Air Nation. Opal has never lost a brother before.
She retreats inside her family and tries to pretend she isn't part of another one, and is only called out by Bolin. He was my brother too. Opal busies herself with work and rebuilding Republic City with the rest of the Air Nation, and she carves his name into a wall. In memorial. She visits his tree, as the sapling shoots upwards and stretches towards the sky.
She and Bolin consult with Jinora, making sure they have her permission (secretly, Opal doubts Jinora will ever have children), before they name their firstborn son Kai.
vii.
Tenzin lives with it. Ironic, isn't it, because the boy's dead and he's the one who found him, all broken and bent and bloody. Tenzin's never felt rage like this, he's never felt sadness like this, because even when his father died, Aang had lived a good, long life. Kai's was just beginning. He misses the boy, Kai's little quips and smiles, even his mistakes. The house feels too quiet now, too empty.
Tenzin's family doesn't feel whole anymore; Tenzin doesn't feel whole anymore, mourning a son while also mourning the loss of his daughter. Jinora will never be the same, Tenzin knows, but sometimes he worries she'll never be better either.
Daddy, Daddy no please...
She hadn't called him daddy in years. Kai never had. Never would.
Tenzin cries bitter tears behind closed doors when only Pema can see him.
viii.
Pema doesn't know how to feel, so she stretches out to carry others. She hears Meelo's jokes and hides Ikki's paintings away in the attic and gathers Rohan in her arms with his questioning eyes and let's Tenzin cry. She helps organize the funeral and waits while Jinora writes the eulogy and when her daughter runs off to the Swamp she isn't even angry at Korra.
Jinora seems to, finally, be healing. She knows that Jinora will always have cracks, pieces that don't fit together because of a friend and lover lost, but the aching of Pema's heart lessens when she sees her daughter - still so young and fragile, just like Kai - smile, and it reaches her eyes.
ix.
Jinora mourns, and then lives. She grows, and travels and tell stories and leads her Nation. She helps keep balance, she has tea parties with Iroh in the Spirit World, she teases Meelo on her wedding day. She lives, and the terrible loss lessens with each day, and deepens in her veins, in her heart. Forgiven, made peace with, but never forgotten. Never forgotten.
And it seems, once she heals, they all do. Meelo is quieter, Ikki finishes a portrait, and Rohan understands more than she ever thought, and Mako smiles tearfully and Bolin is a great father to his kids, and Tenzin moves on and Pema finds peace. And somewhere along the line, Jinora rebuilds herself into an intelligent, renown leader: and it's her, without him (but not really.)
x.
Kai waits. Quietly, he feels grateful. He's never once dreamed he'd have people who mourned it, never mind so many; he never thought he'd have such a large, loving family. He's grateful for that, and he's grateful he doesn't break them, he doesn't break her, and that in the end, she returns to him.
I love you too. Don't you know it takes more than death to keep us apart?
She nods, and her hands are solid and warm as Kai takes them and gently laces his fingers through hers. Jinora beams, as bright and brilliant as the stars they stretch out before them, just like eternity. There will be no goodbyes this time, only light.