Disclaimer: Rather unfortunately, I don't own Jacob and the rest of Meyer's characters... if I did, Edward wouldn't glitter, he would glow. So there. ;-)
Summery: This is my first song-fic, and is supposed to be what Jake thinks before he goes to meet Bella at the end of New Moon. Rating is for mild swearing. Reviews, please? Thanks muchos, p'tites. Song is You Never Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence
Don't cry to me
Jacob Black ground his teeth together as he sat alone in his room. The rest of the pack, sensing his anguish, left him alone in his thoughts. Even Sam had restrained from forbidding him this mope, no doubt realizing it was something that needed to be done if his beta was to function tonight. He had chosen Jake as the representative to the bloodsuckers, but that didn't mean that the younger werewolf was ready to be chosen.
If you loved me
You would be here with me
Running a trembling hand through his hair, the teenager pulled harshly at the thick strands. He growled at the resultant pain, but continued to pull. If only he could just turn... everything felt so much simpler when he turned... but Sam had forbade that even as he allowed the sulking, looking as if he might snarl if Jacob tried to argue. Ducking his head lower, Jake curled up on his coverlet, still shaking from fury. How could she do this? How could she turn away from him to those... those... Cullens!
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
And the worst part was, he had believed for a few short weeks that she, the most beautiful and intelligent girl he had ever met, could actually like him. Accept him as Emily accepted Sam. Hadn't Bella encouraged him? Hadn't she kept him dangling after her? All those times when he thrilled to touch her hair, hold her hand, had she once turned away? There had been moments, sure... when she thought he was a murderer for instance... but that had turned out, hadn't it? She didn't care if he was a werewolf. Jacob could smell it on her; she honestly wasn't worried about the changing, or the anger management problems. He exhaled a sharp little breath of painful humor at his mental phrasing. The inhale following was as different as his thoughts, slow and deliberate. The way he used to breathe when he thought about his parents, right after they died. She wasn't afraid of him, she didn't even see it as odd or weird. They could have been mates, damnit!
Should I let you fall
Lost it all
So maybe you can remember yourself
Holding himself in the emotional human shape only through sheer will, Jacob sat up abruptly and howled. The inhuman scream split the evening as cleanly as his teeth would cut through the marble flesh of a bloodsucker. She could have him, that stinking Edward; she could take him and good riddance. It was him or the white boy, that was it. He had to tell her that, make it clear. It she chose to stay with those ill-gotten treaty-breakers, she would never see him again.
Can't keep believing, we're only
Deceiving ourselves and I'm sick of the lie
And you're too late
She hadn't even come to see him. That was truly the crux of his anguish he realized; now that her precious Edward was back, she didn't want anything to do with him. Or maybe... maybe the vampire was keeping her from coming. Jealousy? Jacob turned, accidentally catching a glance of himself in the mirror as he did so, and smiled bitterly. Jealousy? When even Jake could tell that the bloodsucker was inhumanly beautiful? Not likely. Besides, compared to the romance of a marble brow and immortality, what was the ability to sprout fangs and a tail?
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
He would have to confront her. Sam was right, he needed to tell her that they couldn't be even friends any more, not if she was going to stay around him. The werewolf wrinkled his nose remembering the sharp scent of her hair and lovely body after that Alice-thing had been in her house. He almost retched, recalling the certainty with which Bella had clung to the huntress. Asking him to wait for her - all he had ever done was wait for her. He couldn't even help it. He knew she was older, knew she loved that bloodsucker, but still he waited. Hoping that the warmth in her eyes was sign of something more. And then, that night in the rain...
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
She had almost kissed him. He had been waiting, waiting for her to pull him just a little lower, when the Alice-vampire burst onto them. His heart pounding, hands trembling, wanting it so badly with that phone call in the back of his mind. He had know that the caller wasn't Carlyle. Knew it was Edward. But just as certainly, he knew he didn't want that cold blank mask to slide back over Bella's face, didn't want her to smile that horribly empty smile at him as she put the phone down. And he knew that was the only possible outcome, knew it deep in his primal heart. If only he had let her take the call. Then the blood-sucking bastard would have left her alone, and he could have helped her pick up the pieces. He knew he could. He knew it.
Couldn't take the blame
Sick with shame
Must be exhausting to lose your own game
Selfishly hated, no wonder you're jaded
Jacob sighed, partly growling, and stood to pick up a pair of discarded jeans and trainers. The tongue of his shoes slipped out sadly, flopping as he pulled the too-small sneakers on and laced them tightly. Muscles tensed as he remembered how he had felt when Bella collapsed, right there in front of him. He had come closer to hurting her then than any other time, too furious at the vampire to help himself. The shoestring snapped, leaving him to hold two dusty raveled ends.
You can't play the victim this time
And you're too late
Grimacing, he tied the two cording ends together, deliberately careful as he tightened the square knot. She would be hurt, want him to stay. But he would have to say no. If only there was some way to make it easier... it would be so much easier if she was angry with him. Then he could be furious back to her without feeling as if he was kicking a pack member who was belly-up. Attacking a defenseless female gave the canine side of him cause to bristle. Deep inside his belly, where the emotions and fangs of his more vicious side seemed to reside, he howled in anger, working himself up to hurt her. His Bella.
Don't cry to me
If you loved me
You would be here with me
You want me
Come find me
Make up your mind
No, Isabel. She wasn't his Bella. She never had been, otherwise she would have come. What was he thinking, he already went over that option.
You never call me when you're sober
You only want it 'cause it's over
The bikes. Her father would have a tantrum if he found out about the contraband bikes Bel - Isabel had asked him to fix for her. The thought of returning his newest possession, the speed and power of those two wheels and all that shiny metal that Bella had brought him made something twist around his heart, but he ignored it. He didn't want anything she had brought him anyway. Even as he thrust her gifts away from him, he rolled her name in his mind, tucking it away in the safest corner where even the pack couldn't find it. If he kept nothing else, he wanted her name. Bella.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine!
Jacob curled himself against the headboard again, eyes burning as he tried to ignore the welling tears that wanted to burst out. He couldn't do this, he just couldn't! She would come with him, she had to, his Bella... who had been there when her bloodsucker and his family left? Who had she come to for help? The werewolf tried to believe the reasoning his mind spewed out, the stream of thoughts so fast he could hardly concentrate on just one. Yet when he finally caught a memory whispering past his eyes, the one he found himself reliving over and over was the expression she wore when she thought he was a murderer. So quick to believe that he would kill and eat humans. So fast. She doesn't trust you, Jackie-boy, wolf-boy, Boy. His mind whispered the taunts over and over. He was just a boy, a werewolf teenager.
You never call me when you're sober
If you loved me
You would be here with me
She didn't love him. Never had. Remember when she thought you were leaving her, Jake? Right after the change? She said she'd try... she'd try to love you. He didn't want the kind of love that had to be forced.
Did he?
No, he didn't. He wanted her, but he couldn't have her. So, Goddamnit, he'd stop wanting that bloodsucker pet! He'd never speak to her again, if that's what it took. The pack would remain strong, stronger with him in their midst.
Don't lie to me
Just get your things
Make up your mind
Jake stood, straight and stiff. The tears stopped threatening, his lungs stopped inhaling, and his heart stopped beating for the moment of time it took for him to make up his mind.
He needed to borrow his grandfather's truck.
So… good, bad? Abysmal? ;-)