Replaced this chapter, just so ya'll know. I'd recommend re-reading this one, because I've made some changes, and hopefully, you guys will find them for the better. So please enjoy! :)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything related to Marvel.
I held the injector in my hand, and bit the inside of my cheek, forcing myself not to yell at the pain. Honestly, I couldn't handle injections, but cutting I could do just fine. Ridiculous.
It made me want to do it again.
Forty-six. JARVIS droned, and as I injected the next one, he counted that as well. Forty-seven. I shook my hand out, and grabbed the next injection from the table next to me, holding it to my arm. Miss, please may I request just a few hours to calibrate-
"No." I cut JARVIS off, exclaiming in pain when I hit the tender spot. "Forty-eight." I grabbed the napkin off the table, and cleaned the blood from my arm. "Micro-repeat implanting sequence complete."
As you wish, miss. I've also prepared a safety briefing for you to entirely ignore.
"Which I will."
You used to pay attention to the safety briefing. I ran a hand through my hair. Damn AI was trying to guilt trip me into caring.
"Yeah, well, I've realized that's all just bullshit. Now are we doing this or not?" JARVIS didn't reply. "That's what I thought." I stood up, frowning at DUM-E. "DUM-E, there's blood on my mat. Clean it up."
Miss, may I remind you that you've been awake for nearly 72 hours? I shrugged.
"Eh. That's not much of a record, J, I've stayed up longer than that before." I stood up on the podium, facing Dad's suits. "Good evening council, and welcome to the birthing suite. I am proud to announce the imminent arrival of your bouncing, badass baby brother." I looked to the camera. "Start tight and then go wide, stamp date and time." I turned around, facing the pieces laying around. "Mark 42. Autonomous prehensile propulsion suit test. Initialize sequence." The suit started to power up. "JARVIS, drop my needle." I paused a second, and then jutted out my hand, curling the other in a fist. I sighed, when it didn't react, and grunted as I threw my hand out again. Still didn't work. "Aw, shit." I held my arm up, and bit it a little-not enough to draw blood, but to get the transmitter working-and then I smacked it.
I paused, but then I stuck my hand out, and the glove finally powered up. It flew at my hand, and sent me stumbling back a second. Then the shoulder, and the arm pieces came right after it, covering up the rest of my arm. I reached my other hand out, and that glove came instantly. "All right, I think we got this. Send the rest of them." A leg piece came flying, and I lifted it up just in time, setting it down after it assembled. I turned, though, when the helmet hit the glass casing of one of Dad's suits. Another piece bounced off of the armor already on me. "Slow it down, J, it's going a little too fast." Another piece came flying too fast, and I ducked, letting it smash into another case. "Slow it down, JARVIS!" Another piece came flying too fast, and hit a pipe, smashing it open. Then everything just went crazy.
Nothing was going right. I was losing control of everything, of the suit, of the lab, of the world, I was in that portal again. I was...I was dead again.
Miss Stark, your father is coming, and I don't believe he'll be pleased to find this mess. I sucked in a breath.
"Well then cut the crap, J!" The suit finally came together, and I turned, as Dad came in. "Hey Dad." I was missing a piece. My butt was free falling...literally. The piece knocked me over, and the suit off of me. I groaned, leaning against the cart. I was feeling it now. I guess 72 hours was a bit of a stretch for me at the moment, especially when I didn't have any Red Bull to give me wings.
Dad sat down next to me, and got J to turn the TV on. "I think you might want to see this."
I didn't think things could get any worse. I was losing my mind, and no one knew why, I hadn't even told Pepper about what happened. I mean, everyone knew part of the reason, but not even Dad knew what happened to me in that portal. He just knew that my heart stopped for a few seconds. He didn't know about what else I'd lost.
And now, here was this guy, this Mandarin. That symbol, it struck something in me, though. It wasn't just some symbol. It was the symbol of that terrorist group, the one that took Dad in Afghanistan. That meant we had to stop him.
"Have you-" I turned to look at Dad as he shut off the TV, standing up and holding out a hand to help me up.
"Rhodey's meeting us for lunch, but when we get back, you're getting some sleep. Now let's go."
Sure, I might get some sleep. But I probably wouldn't get much.
Dad and I stared at the monitor, and I sighed, shaking my head at Rhodey in disapproval. "It tested well with the focus groups, all right?"
"I am Iron Patriot!" Dad said it gruffly, and I bit my lip, setting down my fork to scoff a laugh. Rhodey glared at me and Dad.
"Rhodey, that sucks so bad, I'm pretty sure Uncle Sam would be booing it right now." Rhodey shook his head, holding up a hand to stop us from ranting.
"Listen guys, War Machine was a little too aggressive. This sends a better message." Dad sighed. I ducked into my food, and let Dad get into the serious stuff.
"What's really going on? With the Mandarin." Dad set his sunglasses down, turning to look Rhodey in the eye. "Seriously, can we talk about this guy?" Rhodey looked hesitant. I watched carefully, as Dad moved in closer, and Rhodey spoke in a hushed voice, but I could hear him just fine.
"It's classified information, Tony." He paused, when I raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay, there have been nine bombings. The public only knows about three. But here's the thing, nobody can ID a device. There's no bomb casings."
"You know we can help, Rhodey, just ask." Dad said, and I backed him up.
"I've built a ton of new tech." Dad frowned, turning to me. He only thought that was number fifteen. "I've made a prehensile suit, and we've got bomb disposal. It catches explosions in mid-air."
"When was the last time you got a good night's sleep, Ellie?" I looked up when Rhodey asked that, and looked at the two of them, shrugging.
"Einstein slept only three hours a year, and look what he did."
"Bug, look at me." I looked Rhodey in the eye, despite how much I didn't want to. I didn't want to hear it, because it wouldn't make it difference, but I did. For them. "Your dad's concerned about you, so is Pepper, and so am I." I raised an eyebrow, turning to Dad.
"What? What, Dad, was this your plan? To get me to talk? I don't need to talk-"
"Your dad didn't take you here to talk-" Rhodey looked up, and I turned to the kids, one girl and one boy. The boy stood closer to me, and the girl was holding a drawing out to me.
"Do you mind signing my drawing?" I smiled at her politely.
"Of course not. As long as my dad and Richard don't mind. You don't mind, do you Dick?" Rhodey chuckled as Dad shook his head.
"No, no, go ahead, it's fine." Rhodey reassured me, while Dad remained silent. I slid my plate over, and took the drawing and crayon she handed me.
"What's your name, sweetie?" She smiled at me, as I looked back up at her. I smiled right back.
"Erin."
"Erin. That's a pretty name." I drew a text bubble next to what was me, holding the missile, and flying it towards the portal. I fought off the shock of it.
"Thank you." I wrote 'Erin! Help me!' in the circle, and Rhodey leaned in to continue the talk with my dad. I turned to the boy, smiling at him as well.
"I loved you in 'A Christmas Story,' by the way." I heard them, though. I heard Rhodey, despite how hard I tried not to.
"Listen, the Pentagon is scared. After New York, aliens...come on. They need to look strong. Stopping the Mandarin is a priority, but it's not..." Rhodey was at a loss for words, or he just didn't want to say them.
"It's not superhero business." Dad provided the answer for him, and Rhodey nodded.
"No, it's not, quite frankly. It's American business."
"I get it, that's why I said I got it." The crayon broke in my hand, and I blinked, staring at the drawing. I exhaled sharply, rubbing my neck.
"Ellie? You okay?" Rhodey asked me gently. Dad saw it coming.
"I broke the crayon." My voice was breaking. I sounded on the verge of panic.
"Are you okay, Miss Stark?" Everything was fading. I could barely hear that girl, but the boy I could hear as clear as day, as he leaned in, and whispered to me.
"How did you get out of the wormhole?" I inhaled sharply, and got up quickly, rushing out of the dive. I ran into a couple people, apologized as I did, and went right to my suit, but I didn't even get a chance to step into it. I slipped on a step and fell on my butt, and didn't get up. I just sat there.
Dad was right behind me, and lifted me up by my armpits, leaning in close to speak to me. "Ellie, breathe. Just focus on that, okay, and let's get you home."
"What's wrong with me? Dad, what's going on, what's wrong with me, is it my heart, my brain, what-" I was in the suit before I even realized it, and JARVIS had already diagnosed me.
Miss, you're having a severe anxiety attack. I became confused, my eyes growing wide in fear.
"What?" I stood up, and turned to Rhodey as he approached. "Sorry, Rhodey, sorry. Gotta go." I held out the repulsors, and took off before Dad could even stop me. He was about to yell to me, but I just ran away.
I grinned, when I saw the person calling me. I answered as soon as it rang. "Mulan! How's it going?"
"Stop acting like you're fine. Your dad already told me what happened at the dive." I paused. I sat down, because I was still completely exhausted. Dad was still out, I had no clue where he was. Probably at the company.
"Dana, listen-"
"No, you listen. I know what that was, and that wasn't because of Adam. That was something else." I laid back, scoffing, not even trying to sound like an asshole when I replied.
"What was it, then, because I am just dying to know."
"PTSD." I frowned. "I'll take that chance to get on with the speech I prepared, because it's fucking flawless." I rolled my eyes, but she took my continued silence as a green light. "PTSD is a normal reaction to dying-er, almost dying. Whatever that was." My breathing hitched. I didn't even notice it, but Dana did. "See! It's normal, bug. It happens to the best of us. It's something you can control, with some work, and some time-"
"I'VE SPENT ENOUGH FUCKING TIME TRYING TO GET OVER THIS, DANA!" I sat upright. My head spun when I did, but there was no stopping me now. "SIX! FUCKING! MONTHS! I'VE SPENT SIX MONTHS TRYING TO GET OVER THIS, BUT I FUCKING CAN'T, AND I DON'T, I DON'T KNOW HOW-" I cut myself off, and took a deep breath. I tugged on my sleeve, and slowly rolled it up, staring at the cuts.
Dana didn't deserve this. She was just trying to help.
"I'm sorry, Dana, I-"
"I know, El." I sucked in another breath, letting it out slowly. "That's good. That's really good. Now listen, I'm gonna talk to your dad and Pepper, I know a good psychiatrist who can help you with this." My eyes went wide.
"No. No, absolutely not. Don't you dare."
"Don't get so freaked out! She was a really big help to me after what happened to me in Afghanistan, I'm sure she-"
"No. Don't say anything to Dad, or Pepper, okay? I want to tell them myself." She didn't doubt it for a second. I'd gotten far too good at this.
"Yeah, sure." I heard the front door open.
"Gotta go. Bye, Mulan." I hung up the phone before she could say anything more. I hid out in the garage, and Dad didn't come down. Not until Pepper got home, at least.
I looked Pepper in the eyes, and turned to share a look with Dad as she started to complain. "Oh no, not on my couch. Ellie, get that back down to the garage right now!"
"Chill out, Pepper, it's date night! You two go and eat, I'm fine."
"What is that, like, Mark 15?" I shrugged, after glancing at the number on the arm, as she sat down in a chair.
"Eh. Something like that. Everybody needs a hobby." She started looking through the fan mail. I used to do that.
"And what, you're wearing yours in the living room now?" She had me there. Dad went and grabbed her shoulders.
"I'm just breaking it in. You know, it's always pinching my boobs, it's a complete pain, but at least I don't have junk on the bottom half that gets pinched. Hey, did you see your Christmas present! It was my idea. I know you like bunnies, so." Pepper looked back up at me, annoyance written on her face as clear as day.
"Yes, Ellie, I saw it, but you know your dad goes a little overboard."
"I have some guys coming in to tear down that wall tomorrow, and we'll get that in just fine." Dad said, massaging her shoulders and smirking. Pepper squinted at me.
"Ellie, lift up that face mask, I want to see if your face is still all sunk in." I shook my head.
"Oh no, it's fine. My face is all flawless, like it was pre-aliens." I said it with a grin, trying to dance around it.
"Well, why don't I run down to the garage, and see if we can get that thing open with a crowbar. How about that, kiddo?" Dad grinned, and went to the stairs. My eyes went wide in a panic.
"Oh no, Dad, don't do that! Radiation leak, it's uh...it's pretty bad." He hissed through his teeth.
"I'll take my chances. C'mon, Pep, let's go!" I sighed, and turned as Dad walked through the garage door, with Pepper right behind him. I grinned sheepishly, as I turned to holograms off and didn't look at them through the monitor.
"Hey guys." Pepper shook her head, and Dad just stared at me. I dropped the nervous grin, sighing, and ran a hand through my hair. "I'm sorry."
"Have you even eaten anything, Ellie?" I shrugged. Pepper raised an eyebrow at me.
"No, not really." Pepper shot a look at the suit as it came down behind them, and I gestured to the corner, where it went to stand. It deserved some punishment, and soon enough, so would I.
"Go upstairs and get something to eat." I hesitated. I saw the look Pepper was shooting Dad, and I knew they were going to talk about me, and they were probably going to fight. I didn't want to hear it. "Now, Ellie." I bit my lip, but my stomach rumbled. It was practically an earthquake. Dad shot me a nervous glance, and I sighed, turning to go up the stairs. The suit stayed in the corner, but the earpiece was still in my ear. I walked into the kitchen, and tuned in. I leaned against the counters, sliding down to sit on the floor.
"Tony-"
"I can't get through to her, Pepper, I don't know what to-"
"Sit her down. Make her listen, because if she keeps doing this, she's going to end up-" Pepper cut herself off. Her voice cracked a little. I bit my lip, and my hands started to shake. I pulled my knees up under my chin, wrapping my arms around them.
"Killing herself." I hated the tone of his voice. I hated it, I never wanted to hear it again, but I couldn't get myself together. I didn't know how, and the proof was carved into my arms, and my legs, and anywhere where I could hide it. "She's trying. I saw it in her face, when we had lunch with Rhodey, but she can't do it on her own."
"Then we have to help her."
"Pep, you're not listening to me. I've tried. She just...she won't-" Dad sighed, and when I heard him punch the floor, I jumped. I held my legs tighter, trying my hardest not to cry. I hadn't done that in a while. "She was already on the edge, but after New York, she jumped. I don't know how to fix this."
"You can't fix this, Tony. This isn't some machine that needs tinkering, this is your daughter. She needs to know that you're there to support her, that we all are. She needs to know that what happened in New York is over." Pepper was trying to comfort him, but it wouldn't work. I know it wouldn't.
"I wish I knew how. I wish I knew how to show her that, but I can't even figure out how to do that to myself." My eyes went wide. I covered my mouth up, forcing myself not to make a sound. "I'm just as much a mess as she is. Nothing has been the same since New York." He paused. "You experience things...and then, they're over, and you still can't explain them?" I bit my lip, and tears filled my eyes. I couldn't have said it any better. "Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I'm just a man in a can." The tears spilled over, and I buried my face into my knees, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "But Ellie's just a kid. She's just a fucking kid, and she went through more shit in those few hours, than I think I ever went through when I was her age. She's got too much on her shoulders, way more than I do. And how can I help her, Pepper, when I can barely help myself?" I snivelled, and my body shook, as I let out a shaky, heaving sob. "The only reason I haven't cracked is because of her, and because you moved in. Which is great. I love you, I'm lucky, but honey...I can't sleep." I frowned, choking back another. "Ellie can't, either. She comes down here, and she works, but I can't let her know that I'm in the same boat. She needs me to be strong, because this is the one time where she can't be, and I need to help her." He let out a breath, and I sobbed again, sitting up straight. I wiped my tears away, and snivelled, standing up.
"I need to help my little girl. I just...don't know how."
"Adam!" He was above me, floating there and waving. I waved back, smiling brightly, until I saw that he wasn't. He was waving me away, he was screaming at me, he was telling me not to go any further. I turned around slowly, though, and tried to go back, but when I did, I rammed right into something. I gasped, and looked down, to find the sceptre in my chest. I looked up, and was met with a smirk. A smirk from Loki.
I shot up out of bed in a cold sweat, only to be face to face with Mark 42.
"Power down!" I screamed in a panic, and it did, falling apart around me. I breathed heavily, and threw my legs over the side of my bed, staring at the mirrored wall.
I was disheveled. I was drenched in sweat, my hair was a rat's nest, my clothes were hanging off of me. My face looked skeletal, my skin was practically translucent, I couldn't even recognize the face in the mirror. With the transmitters embedded in my skin, the cuts all over my body...but the anger, the fire burning in my eyes...I didn't know whether I wanted to be me, the true me, or I wanted to be what the world wanted me to be.
I couldn't stare at that mirror anymore, I couldn't stand that mirror. I turned to my bedside table, and found the ring box there. I couldn't stand looking at that, either. So I got up, grabbed that box, and chucked it at the mirror as hard as I could. It shattered into what seemed like a million pieces. Then I went to go down to the garage, but Pepper emerged from hers and Dad's bedroom, and frowned at me.
"Ellie? What happened, I heard something break." She was drowsy, that was good. I could send her right back to bed.
"Nothing, Pepper, you probably had a bad dream. Go back to bed, I just got up because I was thirsty." Pepper shut the door behind her; I didn't have to tell her twice. I made it down to the garage, and I didn't see him until he spoke up, as I was getting Mark 42 back out.
"Didn't like what you saw in that mirror, huh, princess?" I turned around fast, my eyes growing wide being caught in the act. He stood up from his seat on the table, and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning on it instead. "I can't sleep, either, you know. All I can think about is that you were dead. You were dead in the air, and I couldn't even save you." I bit my lip, and leaned against the table opposite. I stared at the floor, because I didn't want to see the look on his face.
"I didn't want to be saved, Dad. You can't blame yourself for my actions." Dad came forward suddenly, and my eyes went wide when he grabbed my arm, holding it up for me to look at.
"Why can't I? You blame yourself for Adam's." I shook my head, and Dad dropped my arm. I ran my hands through my hair, but my they were shaking so hard, I was surprised I wasn't crashing to the floor.
"Yeah, but he's actually dead. He's gone. Me, I didn't leave, I'm still here." I paused. "Why am I here? Why didn't I die in that portal, why didn't I die on that Helicarrier, what did I do to deserve to be here? Why did Adam have to leave, while I had to stay, Dad?" He looked disappointed in me. He had this look on his face, it said that those had to be the worst words I've ever said to him. I wished I could take them back.
"You can't put that on yourself, Ellie-"
"I can't help how I feel, and I feel like I could've done more. I could've fought, I could've taken that stab instead of him-" Dad stood up, grabbing me by the arms almost like he was going to shake me. I flinched, because it just opened up the cuts again. I knew there was going to be blood on his hands.
"Don't talk like that, Elizibeth. Don't you dare blame yourself for something that couldn't have been stopped." I clenched my fists, as Dad paused. "Do you have any idea how long I've done that? How long I've blamed myself for what happened to your mother?" My fists unclenched, and my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I hadn't even thought about that. "I could've stopped that, but then what would have happened to me when all of this happened? When I would've been taken, I wouldn't have had anything to fight for. I'd have had Pepper, and Rhodey, and Happy, but I wouldn't have you to worry about. I wouldn't be the man I am today without that plane crash happening, and I know this is gonna hurt to hear, but I'm a little glad that happened. Because I got you out of it." I smiled at him as best as I could. It was the best real smile I'd mustered since Adam died, and Dad smiled right back at me, reveling in the progress he'd just made. He hugged me close, letting out a breath he'd been holding. "I never thought I'd see that smile again."
"Of course you'd see that smile again, you and I just didn't know when." He pulled away, and held me there by the shoulders. He paused briefly, before he spoke again.
"You still can't shake that feeling, though, can you?" Now he lost me. "When you came to, after you fell out of that portal, you hugged me, but then...you cried, Ellie. You didn't even shed a tear, you just cried, and you still can't shake that feeling you had when you did. Can you?" I paused, and pushed his hands off my shoulders, sitting down. I was still exhausted, and that pain I felt when I fell out of that portal was still in my chest. I'd wanted to die.
I bit my lip. But I held out my arms, showing him the cuts. He stared at them, his eyes growing doleful. He knelt down in front of me, but I could see the tears he was fighting. "I'm trying. I'm trying, Dad, I promise that I am, but I don't know how." He nodded, grabbing my hands, and searched my face. He wanted to make sure that I was being honest.
"You'll be okay again, bug. Just give it time." I bit my lip even harder. Tears spilled down my face, tears I hadn't even known were coming.
"I've given it time. I've given it six months, but I don't know if I can do this anymore, Dad. I don't know if I can feel like this anymore." He sat down next to me, pulling me close, and cradling me like a child. "I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like I have to die to be okay again, I just want to be okay." He shushed me, and I started to sob, holding onto him as tight as I could. "I just want to be okay, Dad." He held me even tighter.
"I know you do, princess. I know you do, and you will be. We'll get through this, just like we always do. You'll be okay." I couldn't stop crying. I passed out in my dad's arms, crying my heart out. And I prayed that he was right.