A/N: In the anime, Nagisa was very excited about attending Astraea Hill Academy, but what if there was more to her being sent there than her family simply moving overseas without her? This is my attempt at exploring how the students' gender and sexual identities might actually work at a Catholic all-girl's school. I hope you enjoy!
The story of how Aoi Nagisa ended up at Miator Academy was one of heartbreak and humiliation. At fourteen years old, she believed that she was going to spend the rest of her secondary education at the school down the street from her home. By her fifteenth birthday, her life changed inalterably, setting her on a course that she never could have expected.
A devout Catholic, Nagisa was brought up to believe that the Virgin Mary and her son, Jesus, directly influenced her life. They were always watching her, gently nudging her to meet people she was fated to meet and learn lessons she needed to learn. This idea brought her great comfort, especially when life didn't make much sense. During her first week of high school, life definitely didn't make much sense. Everyone around her seemed to have at least four close friends to laugh with and eat lunch with, but Nagisa was left alone, day after day. At the end of her first week, she prayed that someone special would enter her life and ease the loneliness she felt.
Her prayer was answered a few short days after she made it. One Tuesday morning, Nagisa arrived early for her homeroom class and took a seat near the front of the room. Much to her surprise, another girl sat across the room from her, waiting impatiently for class to start.
For some reason, Nagisa had never noticed the other girl before. It was a surprise, too, because she was uncommonly alluring with silky black hair that flowed down her back, bright blue eyes, and an infectious smile.
"Hi," the girl said casually. "I'm Iesada Nyoko. You're Aoi Nagisa, right?"
Nagisa blushed. "Yes. How did you know?"
"I remembered it from roll call," Nyoko responded. The two of them made casual conversation. Nagisa learned that the alluring dark-haired girl's name was Iesada Nyoko.
For the remaining half hour before homeroom began, the two girls started talking. From that day forward, the two girls became fast friends, giggling together about their outdated textbooks and the terrible food in the school's cafeteria. After about a month of friendship, Nagisa said a special prayer of gratitude. She was sure that God meant for her to meet Nyoko and that He would bless their friendship, allowing them to follow one another through all four years of high school.
Once Nagisa had known Nyoko for a couple of months, she started to grow more and more attached to the raven-haired girl. Nagisa's relationship with Nyoko was stronger than any friendship Nagisa had ever had. When Nyoko complimented Nagisa's hairstyle or touched Nagisa's hand in conversation, Nagisa would immediately feel herself blushing. She loved the sound of Nyoko's voice, the soft flow of her hair, her gentle smile, her bright eyes, and really just about everything about her. On some days, Nagisa found herself distracted in classes because Nyoko was all she could think about.
It's normal to have strong feelings for your best friend, right? Nagisa thought to herself. I'm not weird, am I?
These thoughts plagued Nagisa's mind until the fateful night when she dreamed about kissing her best friend. In the dream, the two girls were lying naked in Nagisa's bed, caressing and kissing each other. The experience was warm, tender, and loving. Nothing about it felt dirty or wrong while it was happening. It only felt natural. Nagisa woke up smiling until she came to her senses and started to panic.
No, she thought. This isn't who I am. I don't like girls; I just don't like boys yet. I will soon. I'm still young, right? I still have time.
After the dream, it became more and more difficult for Nagisa to deal with her best friend. She couldn't talk to the other girl without imagining how smooth her skin was or how soft her lips felt. It was unbelievable to Nagisa. She had never experienced a dream like that before, and she never expected to feel that way about a girl.
It took a few weeks of avoidance for Nyoko to finally confront Nagisa. It happened in their Algebra classroom, a few minutes after class got out for lunch.
"What is going on with you, Nagisa-chan?" Nyoko asked. "Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm so sorry, Nyoko-chan," Nagisa said, shaking her head with disbelief at her own behavior. "You didn't do anything wrong. This is all my fault."
Nyoko sighed, sitting down at one of the desks to start on her lunch. "Do you like me?"
"Of course I do," Nagisa argued.
"That's not what I mean," Nyoko said. "I mean…do you like me in the way that girls would normally like boys?"
Nagisa gasped. She definitely did not expect that her friend knew about her feelings. "I don't know," she said, feeling helpless and confused. "I'm so lost right now."
"Maybe I can help you." Nyoko said. "Kiss me. If you really feel nothing, then we'll forget the whole thing. But if we both feel something, then maybe we should be something more than friends."
This offer felt like the defining moment of Nagisa's life. She could either kiss her best friend and possibly fall in love with her, which would force her to lie to her parents and hide who she was, or she could reject Nyoko's offer and never realize her dream. Do I want to realize it? Nagisa wondered.
She knew that her friend was right; there was only one way to find out. Heart pounding, skin flushing, Nagisa leaned in to kiss her friend. It started as a slow, simple peck and quickly turned into a hungry, desperate kiss as both girls grasped at each other, eager to close the distance that had separated them for two whole months of just friendship. For a moment, the whole world disappeared and Nagisa forgot her mother's revulsion when the newscast announced that gay marriage was legal in the United States and her father's dirty look at the two men who were holding hands at the bank a few weeks ago. All that mattered was Nyoko, until the classroom door opened and in walked a teacher.
"Excuse me. What's going on in here?"
Nagisa's blush deepened, her facial expression turning both desperate and humiliated. "We were just…we were…I'm so sorry."
"You know that this sort of public display of affection is not allowed at this school," the teacher said sternly.
Seriously? Nagisa wondered. Boys and girls kissed each other in the hallways all the time, and she had never heard a teacher say a word.
"Normally I would let you off with a warning, but this didn't exactly look like an accident."
Nyoko frowned. "It was my fault," she insisted. "I'm the one who initiated it. Nagisa was just…"
It didn't matter. The teacher called both their parents, and that phone call sealed Nagisa's fate.
That night, her mother just paced wordlessly up and down the living room, ignoring the cat's mewing for attention and her husband's nonstop sighing. Nagisa sat anxiously on the couch, waiting for one of them to say something already, anything.
"I'm sorry," she finally said. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."
Her mother's arms were crossed. "I am so mad at you. I don't even know what to say."
Nagisa looked anxiously over at her father, hoping his response would be a bit more gracious. "I blame all that American television she's been watching," he said. "Maybe we should take away her computer."
"It's not the damn computer's fault, Teijo!" her mother snapped.
"Let me finish!" her father shouted back. "I was trying to say that we've given her way too much freedom, and that's where the problem comes from. This is your fault, you know."
"My fault? I'm the one who always makes sure she goes to church, every single weekend, while you stay in and work on God only knows what!"
"Excuse me?" her father asked. "I'm the one who said we should've sent her to that Catholic school her aunt went to, but you said you wanted her close to home, at a shitty public school where girls learn no manners, no moral values whatsoever. Are you happy with where that got us, Haru?"
"Of course I'm not!" her mother exclaimed.
Nagisa didn't want to feel guilty about kissing Nyoko, she really didn't. Still, she hated what the kiss was doing to her family, and she was willing to apologize just to make the chaos stop. "Mother, father, please," Nagisa said, tears streaming from her eyes. "I'm the one who did something wrong. Please don't fight with each other."
Her father sighed deeply. "Your mother and I will go upstairs to discuss this further. Until we decide what to do with you, you're not going to that school of yours anymore. You'll stay home and wait for us to make a decision about you."
It was only an hour or two after her father's proclamation that an important phone call came through, announcing that Mr. Aoi got that long-shot job as a Japanese department head at an American university.
"Congratulations!" Nagisa said brightly, trying to lighten the mood. "Does this mean we're moving?"
"We're moving," her father said curtly. "You're staying here."
I'm being abandoned? "What?" Nagisa asked sharply. "Where will I stay?"
Her father said nothing, waiting for his wife to speak. "I just got off the phone with your aunt. She has some connections at Miator, so we've decided to transfer you there. I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. I realize that what happened today was my fault. I let you go to a school where most of the students just…don't share the same moral values that we have. That place has you confused, but don't worry. Miator will set you back on the proper path."
"Miator?" Nagisa gasped. It was supposed to be an incredibly strict, insular environment where students researched out of books instead of using computers and had to write letters home instead of making phone calls. The campus allegedly had a single phone for emergencies, and students were not allowed to use it without permission from the headmistress. There was no chance for the few "troublemakers" who were allowed into the school to have meaningful contact with their old friends or to have much of any contact with the outside world. As far as Nagisa knew, Astraea Hill was a pretty depressing place.
Packing started almost immediately. Her father was expected to up and leave Japan as soon as possible to step in for the last department head who walked out on his job. While she was packing up her room, Nagisa decided to make a quick phone call to say goodbye to Nyoko. She had to hear her love's voice just one more time.
"Nagisa? You can't call me anymore. My parents are furious."
"I know," Nagisa said. "I just…my parents are sending me away, and I had to say goodbye to you."
"Well goodbye then," Nyoko practically snapped. "I'm in huge trouble, and it's because of you. We can't talk anymore, okay?"
"Because of me?" Nagisa asked. "I thought you wanted…"
"Well, so did I," Nyoko said, "but apparently my parents know who I am and what I want a lot better than I do. That's what they think, and if I want to remain a part of this family, then I have to believe that too."
Nagisa was shocked by her friend's words. "Nyoko, you can't let your parents change who you are."
"I'm not gay, Nagisa," Nyoko said. "You were just a phase, okay?"
The phone went dead, and Nagisa spent a few moments just sitting stunned on her bed. In just a single evening, all of the love in her life was gone. Her mother and father were treating her like a miscreant who needed rehabilitation, and her love wanted nothing more to do with her. Nagisa's whole body shook with grief until she felt like she was going to be sick. Although shy, timid Nagisa was used to blaming herself for things like being clumsy and awkward, she could not understand how Nyoko felt justified in blaming her for the kiss. It was Nyoko's idea, wasn't it?
Why? Nagisa wondered. I thought that maybe we had fallen in love as more than friends. I don't understand it. How can you kiss someone and then treat them like nothing? How?
Nagisa was shaking now. She couldn't make sense of Nyoko's betrayal or the way her parents had decided to move half a world away from her, all over a single kiss. If Nagisa had known how horrible that kiss's consequences would be, she never would've let it happen.
I'm never going to kiss anyone again, she resolved firmly. I can't go through any more pain.
Nagisa tried not to cry when the taxi pulled up in front of Astraea Hill, where her new school was going to be. She was still wearing the same uniform she was wearing when she kissed Nyoko, and the ugly thing reminded her of all the betrayal and pain she had just experienced. On the bright side, at least Miator would be supplying her with a new uniform. With any luck, it would be some pretty, feminine thing that looked nothing like the sailor uniform she was used to wearing. It would help her to forget Nyoko.
Forgetting Nyoko had to be her goal here. If she could choke down her tears and forget the heartache she experienced, then maybe she could make a platonic friend or two at this strict place and try to make the most of her time here.
As she started walking, she spotted one of the school's famous towers from a distance. It was a long, long way from where the driver had let her off. Thanks a lot, she thought anxiously. Nagisa began to run up the hill toward her new school, her lungs burning from the exertion. The last thing she needed was for this new school to call her parents and gripe about her on the first day, giving them one more reason to reconsider loving her.
She was only halfway up the hill when she caught her first site of the other students. Much to her surprise, she saw girls wearing three different uniforms. One was a black dress with puffy shoulders, slender arms, a full skirt, and a lacy collar that reminded her of gothic Lolita fashion. Another was a cute white dress with a matching white jacket. The last one was a red plaid dress with a yellow sweater. All three of these uniforms were much, much cuter than the sailor outfit she was presently wearing. That was good in some respects, as Nagisa liked the idea of wearing one of these cute outfits, but it was bad in other respects. So many of these girls were uncommonly beautiful, just like Nyoko was. How was Nagisa supposed to forget her feelings for the same sex in this environment? Perhaps her parents had not thought this through very well.
Knowing there was still a long way to go before she reached the admissions office, Nagisa picked up running again. She was so concerned with getting where she needed to be that she didn't look where she was going and smacked straight into a tree branch. The branch hit her in kind, sending her tumbling down a grassy hill. When she landed on her tailbone, she let out a cry of pain.
Just as she was struggling to get up, she saw a tall, white-haired girl in the distance. The girl was approaching Nagisa like a curiosity.
"Are you alright?" she asked softly.
Of all the girls Nagisa had seen today, this one was by far the most beautiful. For a few moments, Nagisa found herself staring at the girl's wavy white hair, curvy figure, and beautiful green eyes. Dammit. The last thing she needed was for this upperclassman to figure out she was gay.
"I'm fine," Nagisa said.
The older girl offered her hand to help Nagisa up. Suddenly, Nagisa felt completely frozen. She couldn't move, couldn't speak, and could barely breathe. Her heart was pounding faster than it had when Nyoko kissed her, all because this white-haired girl was touching her hand. Last year, when her school put on Romeo and Juliet, she remembered finding it weird how Romeo went from mourning his failed relationship with Rosaline to declaring his undying love for Juliet in a matter of hours. Although it didn't make sense to her mind yet, her heart was starting to understand.
Did my heart love 'till now? Forswear it sight. For I ne'er saw true beauty 'till this night.
Nagisa didn't learn the white-haired girl's name that day. Instead, the weight of her exhaustion and her powerful attraction to the older girl caused her to collapse where she stood, losing consciousness completely.