Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion etc, etc…..No money has or will exchange hands, original storyline is mine though.
Author Note: This has been beta'd by the wonderful Robin Rocks and many thanks goes to her! Though the story idea just kinda popped into my head, the alternate reality I've set it in has been based on some of the pictures on the official store and the radio-Eva store. They basically draw the characters in a load of clothes they actually sell. It's worth giving it a look! There's even a Kaworu art book that came out a couple of months ago with loads of his pictures and stuff in it, as well as the prices and where to buy some of it at the back. ( I have a copy and I 3 it.)
I should also note that this story mentions and in some way deals with recovery from metal health issues for Kaworu and the (unfortunately) familiar issues with Shinji's dad. This isn't a sad story or universe though, I couldn't do that to them. :)
By Our Hands
It's bright where Kaworu is waiting for Shinji's tram to arrive, the early afternoon sun lighting up a city awash with spring. The breeze keeps it cool though, makes his choice to wear his cardigan that morning valid.
Summer is ebbing every closer and he greets it with both joy and trepidation. Last summer had been a good one, shining and filled with days he had made sure to appreciate whilst he had them. Autumn had been hard and winter…. winter was best left in the past.
He was surprised when Shinji had asked him if he could visit for a few days that morning but had agreed straight away. Some things remain the same and he can't ever say no to him, he knows what some people think about it - Asuka has had harsh words for him in the past (no surprise there, jealousy has never looked good on her). He's safe with Shinji, who hardly ever asks for anything anyway, even though he could, if he wanted, ask Kaworu for the moon.
The tram pulls up and the bell rings, signalling the opening of the carriages as people file out of the doors. Kaworu leans up from the railing he was resting against and waves his hand to get Shinji's attention.
Shinji smiles at him with relief for a moment but his expression changes as he walks closer to him.
"Kaworu," he says, dropping his bag between their feet and reaching over it, putting his arms around Kaworu and holding him loosely.
This is new. Very new but never the less Kaworu accepts what he's given and puts his arms around Shinji in return. Shinji holds tighter and shuffles (which Kaworu realises means he's standing over his bag) and holds on as he takes deep breath after deep breath.
Kaworu holds tighter too - not sure why Shinji is asking for this but more than willing to comply - and it's nice, wonderful, to hold him like this and to provide whatever kind of reassurance Shinji needs. He's a source of warmth against his front and back, hands firm and comforting in their own way and the weight of his head on Kaworu's chest makes his heart flutter and shivers run over his skin. When he presses his palms to Shinji's back, he can feel the rapid pounding of his heart, which, though it calms, doesn't settle back to normal.
Shinji seems to show no signs of letting go so carefully and slowly Kaworu moves his left hand up to Shinji's hair and runs his fingers through it lightly. He has only done this once or twice before in hotel rooms both cramped and uncomfortable, in beds that have seen better days. Neither he or Shinji have ever complained, though Asuka has always loudly reminded Misato that they deserve better and even Rei has voiced her dislike of their accommodation on the road. Mari doesn't seem to care one way or the other and Kaworu remains unconvinced that she even sleeps.
Shinji sighs against his chest and it pulls Kaworu back to what he's doing, slowly carding his fingers through Shinj's short, dark hair. He's happy to stay right where he is until his friend is ready to either move or explain what's happening. Shinji is not normally spontaneous or this overtly affectionate and either something is wrong or well… Kaworu is pretty sure something is wrong.
It takes a while (the next tram hasn't arrived yet but people will no doubt head onto the platform soon) for Shinji to move or speak and when he does his voice is controlled, carefully calm.
"I'm sorry, Kaworu," he says as he steps back, only enough for their arms to loosen around each other. Neither of them let go, though on Kaworu's part it's because he's growing more concerned.
"You don't need to be sorry." He can think of no reason why he would have to be.
"I just ran at you with no warning a-and this morning when I called… I just didn't know what else to do, you said I could still call if I needed anything and well…" Shinji looks around nervously and bites his lip.
"Let's go back to my flat," Kaworu offers, knowing that it's where they'll both be more comfortable.
Shinji nods and squeezes Kaworu's elbows before dropping his arms and picking up his bag. Kaworu feels the loss of contact but readjusts, leading the way down the steps of the platform and out into the city.
Though the buildings are high on each side of them, the trees lining the streets and the sunlight reflecting on the windows above them makes it feel more open, more alive. It if were possible, Kaworu would want it to be like this all the time; bright and fresh, soothing and calm. He knows it is an impossible dream but still, it makes him hold onto days like this and if he's not working, he's always up and about to enjoy it.
It's not a long walk to his flat, it's about ten minutes from the tram station and town centre, along a tree-lined road filled with cherry blossoms and close to a few small shops, a florist and a cafe. Shinji stays close by him the whole way but gently refuses when Kaworu offers to carry his bag. Kaworu leaves his hands out of his pockets as he walks, just in case Shinji wants to reach for him.
He and Shinji are the only ones in the lift as it rises to Kaworu's floor and they exit in silence. It's not unusual but Shinji hasn't said a word since the tram station and Kaworu has never been one for idle chatter.
He opens his door and holds it for Shinji to enter, locks it behind them once they're both inside and puts his key inside his bag hung up along the wall from the door. His flat has a large open plan living area with the kitchen, lounge and dining area (which he uses instead for his grand piano, violin and music) only separated by the kitchen counter and steps down to the lounge. Large glass doors run floor to ceiling behind the piano and lead out onto a balcony large enough to be a patio. HIs flat was expensive but it was worth it, it is his sanctuary and safe haven. There are two large bedrooms, one leading off from the lounge and the second (Kaworu's) from the other side of the piano. Both are ensuite, though there is a third toilet off the kitchen. Kaworu hadn't cared when he'd bought it but the estate agent seemed happiest about it, he just wanted space for his piano and a safe way to get it inside the building.
Shinji - who is no stranger to his flat - stands awkwardly near the door with his over night bag still held in his hands. Kaworu turns to him and offers a small smile.
"Tea?"
Shinji nods. "Please."
"You can sit down," Kaworu says gently as he slips off his shoes in the entry way and pads over to the kitchen. Shinji stands where he is until the kettle is filled and starts to boil before taking off his shoes and moving his bag to behind the sofa.
Kaworu busies himself with tea making, choosing green tea and cherry blossom and getting the cups ready. Shinji has made it down the three steps and is sat awkwardly on the edge of the large grey sofa when Kaworu reaches him and puts everything on the table. He's brought biscuits too just in case.
"Thank you," Shinji says quietly once Kaworu is sat next him. There is space between them because Kaworu likes to honour peoples' boundaries but he is, once again, leaving himself open for Shinji.
They sit in an awkward silence, long enough for Kaworu to have poured the tea and set the cups cooling in front of each of them.
"I could put some music on," Kaworu offers. "Or play something."
Shinji is worrying the hem of his shirt and staring at it like it holds all the answers. Kaworu hopes it does, he's reached another level of concerned, though he makes sure to breathe and stay calm.
"No, no it's fine. You don't have to." He looks at the tea in front of them and then to Kaworu. "Did you have any plans for today?"
"No, none. I was just going to read or play."
"So I'm not interrupting anything?"
Kaworu sighs and tries to smile reassuringly. "Shinji, you're not interrupting anything."
Shinji smiles then, only for a moment but it's enough to calm Kaworu's nerves. "Good." He reaches for his cup and sips his tea, Kaworu would do the same but he's afraid his hands are shaking and if Shinji notices he will likely decide not to talk about whatever it is that's troubling him.
"Kaworu?" Shinji asks after another minute of silence.
"Yes?"
"When you said I could tell you anything, that it didn't matter how stupid it might seem or how unimportant it was, do you still mean it?"
"Of course," Kaworu answers quickly. He had said that the first time they had met, it had been their first job together and they'd spent a week days being dressed up and posed, photographed and pushed around at all hours of the day. Shinji hadn't wanted to be there and Kaworu had only showed up because he needed the money and had apparently blown the casting director away with his 'unusual looks'. They had become friends quickly and had learned a lot about each other. It was odd, looking back on it, how quickly they had become close but it was the good kind of strange. Kaworu had so few other friends and he had learnt the same was the case for Shinji, it had been the start of the most important friendship in Kaworu's life. Shinji had once told him he felt the same way but it had been late at night and Shinji was half asleep when he had whispered it.
"It's just that with everything…" He looks at Kaworu again. "With everything that has happened in the last few months I didn't want to make things worse."
Kaworu wants to tell him that short of ending their friendship or leaving the country forever there is little Shinji could do to make anything worse but it sounds odd even in his own head.
"You won't make anything worse, I'm much better now." He is, even has the paperwork to prove it.
"I know, it's just…" Shinji looks so forlorn that Kaworu almost reaches across to him and takes his hand, he doesn't, though, not sure if it would be too much or not enough and he suddenly can't think around the lump in his throat and the fear in his chest. "I don't want you to worry."
Kaworu wants to laugh, that has always been his problem and although it is under control now, settled and more ordered, he's not ever going to stop completely.
"Shinji," he manages to say without his voice cracking. "I'm not going to stop worrying about you or any of my friends but it's not like it was before, I can tell when it's too much or unfounded, I promise."
He wonders then, when Shinji meets his eyes, what affect his illness had had on the people he cares about. Mari had admonished him for not telling them what was happening and had practically marched him into the doctor's office when she had finally, finally gotten him to talk about it. She had also called Shinji and told him Kaworu wasn't feeling too well and it might be a good idea to visit for a few days. Shinji had turned up an hour later with enough groceries to feed the three of them for two weeks - he was staying for at least that long. Rei had met him for tea and a walk in the park a couple of times, choosing to offer her own quiet reassurance instead of joining in the group effort. Kaworu hadn't bothered to even contact Asuka; he was, after all, supposed to avoid all sources of stress and she was pretty far up the list. He was pretty sure Mari had asked her to back off in the few times all of them had gotten together for one thing or another.
After the initial couple of weeks he'd sent Shinji home (reluctantly) and Mari had returned to her own flat on the other side of the city. He'd needed to recover on his own and figure out how to live his own life again without being so afraid all the time. Most of the time he wasn't even sure what he was afraid of but both his doctor and his therapist had said it didn't matter, as long as he learned to cope with it and understand that sometimes a feeling was just a feeling - even if he felt like he was losing his mind.
Things were easier now, he could play his piano or violin without crushing panic attacks and could shop and see friends without wanting to escape or his heart racing dangerously the moment he arrived. He felt free, more so than he had felt in years and it had only gotten better.
His mind still wanders, though, as it's doing right now but Shinji hasn't said anything and seems to be off in his own world. They're similar Kaworu realises, maybe more so than he used to think.
"My father called this morning," Shinji admits at last.
"Oh." Kaworu's heart sinks.
"He… he, ahh, thinks he has another lead on my mother," Shinji says the words like they hurt to say and they probably do. Kaworu feels his own throat burning in sympathy. "He says it's promising and he's going to follow it through." Shinji takes a long drink of his tea and places his cup on the table, his hands actually are shaking now and Kaworu doesn't know what to do. "But he did this last year and the year before and all the ones I can remember before that." He sighs. "I thought being part of the Eva Models might actually help, after all I look enough like my mother and my father and I've never changed my name. I thought it would be enough for him but he still….. she isn't ever coming back, whatever she wanted it wasn't us but he can't see it… keeps…" He sighs and puts his hands to his face. "Keeps running after someone who didn't care about him enough to stay."
Kaworu does move now, places his hand on Shinji's shoulder and moves closer to him on the couch. Shinji leans into him instantly, falls into him like his strings have been cut and Kaworu moves fast to keep them both upright and slides his arm around his back. Shinji's hand holds onto Kaworu's leg, his head rests on his shoulder and his other hand hangs limply at his side, he's breathing quickly and when Kaworu looks down he can see that his eyes are closed tightly.
Kaworu presses his forehead to the top of Shinji's head and tries to think of what to say. The truth or his opinion doesn't seem relevant, Shinji knows how he feels about his parents already. He wants to think of something comforting - he normally knows what to say - he used to be good at this but now his words won't come and he feels his throat tighten like he's going to cry.
"The truth is," Shinji eventually says, "even though I only joined Eva Models because my father told me to, I could have left years ago. I've just never wanted to, I didn't stay because of what he wanted, I stayed so that I could be close to my friends, so that I could spend time with you. My father doesn't know that and although it doesn't matter, it does matter and it seems so unfair. I'm right here, Kaworu, yet he doesn't really want me and she left before I could even remember her."
Kaworu tightens his arm around him and Shinji shuffles closer, more pressed up against his side than resting now. He's angry, no one should forsake their child the way that Yui and Gendo Ikari have done but he can't let Shinji bare the brunt of that.
"I'm sorry, Shinji, I really am. There are people that love you very much." He lacks his old confidence to say what he really means, though the statement is true.
Shinji nods against his shoulder. "I know, I do, I do and I don't want it to hurt me anymore. I'm tired, Kaworu. Tired of feeling used and unwanted."
Never by me. Kaworu thinks. Never by me.
"Shinji," Kaworu breathes his name against his hair. He's not sure what to say next.
"I'm sorry, Kaworu, loading this all on you when you're still recovering." Shinji sounds so sad, so guilty and it's breaking Kaworu's heart. "It's just, being with you always makes me feel happy and I just… after that phone call I didn't know what else to do."
"Shinji, do you remember what I told you two years ago on our trip to Okinawa?" It was a work trip but they had all decided to spend an extra week out there to enjoy the summer weather. Kaworu has to force his words out but they sound okay, if a little quiet and shaky.
"That.. that the two most important things in your life were being able to play music and m-making sure I was happy," Shinji says, though he sounds unsure.
"I still mean it." He hasn't ever stopped. He was worried that his therapist would consider this to be unhealthy. But once he had pointed out that whether or not Shinji was with him didn't matter as much as him being happy he had accepted it and worked with it. As long as he added his own happiness to that list. Kaworu hadn't bothered to tell him that those two things would always link back to that. He would, of course, prefer that he was in Shinji's life but he wouldn't ever force anything and would accept whatever he needed to accept. He would always have his music, even if he couldn't play he could listen and feel it. He knows now that if Shinji ever left then that is what he would do, lose himself to melodies and symphonies, wrap them around him until he could cope with the world.
"Kaworu," Shinji sounds pained, like he feels unworthy, and Kaworu's heart contracts.
"You are not a burden or a tool, Shinji. You never have been and you never will be. Just because your father can't see it and your mother couldn't doesn't mean it isn't true."
"But you're so…." he whispers and Kaworu fears what he'll say next. He closes his eyes against it and presses his face into Shinji's hair. He can't tell for certain whether or not he's crying now, he hopes he isn't. He's supposed to be comforting Shinji after all. "Kaworu?" Shinji sounds concerned and tries to move. "Kaworu?"
Kaworu just breathes in and out and in and out, Shinji's shampoo makes his hair smell like watermelon, it's calming.
"Please," he manages to whisper. "Say what you were going to say."
Shinji is quiet for several moments, though his other hand moves to hold onto Kaworu's.
"Kaworu, I just mean that I don't understand why someone like you would care so much for someone like me. I know that we've been friends for years now and you're my best friend but I still sometimes don't understand why. I'm not very exciting and though you always say how much you love playing the piano with me - or when we duet with my cello and your violin - but you're so much better at it. I just worry that one day you'll realise that I don't deserve your kindness and… and leave me." Shinji's breath hitches and he chokes out a sob against Kaworu's chest. Kaworu holds him closer and waits for words to come.
"I love you," he whispers against Shinji's hair. "I've loved you since that first week when we met. You can't see how wonderful you are or how happy you make me, Shinji. That is why your happiness is so important to me, because you make me so happy just by being in my life." He takes a stuttering breath and then continues. "Before you the only brightness in my life was my music. I only took the job with Eva Models because I needed the money to keep playing. I didn't want to have to join an orchestra or play anything that didn't move me. I stayed because I wanted to spend more time with you. Then I met Mari and Rei and I realised I had friends for the first time in my life and I'd found people I wanted to spend time with. I meant it then and I mean it now, Shinji."
"But wasn't I part of the reason you were so sick last year? Because you were trying so hard to make sure I was happy?" Kaworu pulls himself back from Shinji and looks at him, they move so they're at eye level with each other. They have both been crying, that much is clear and Kaworu would wipe the tears from Shinji's cheeks if he felt he could move his arms at all to do so.
"No. No, Shinji, I wasn't well last year because of so many things. I was putting too much pressure on myself and I hadn't dealt with things from my childhood properly. It wasn't because of you, it was never because of you. Do you know how happy I was when you showed up here with all your shopping?"
"And none of my clothes because I'd ran to to station from the supermarket. I had to get Misato to pack a bag for me and bring it over." A flicker of a happier Shinji appears and Kaworu smiles just a little, just for a moment.
"Just having you here was enough to make me feel better, especially when you agreed to stay for the two weeks." And shared my bed and my room and my home.
"I'd have stayed for longer if I could."
"I know but I needed to learn how to get better on my own. I couldn't have recovered properly if I'd started relying on you more than I should." Shinji had visited him at least once a week after that, sometimes more if he was able to.
"Kaworu, I… you can rely on me as much as you need to." His blue eyes look so serious and earnest.
"It's not like that, that's not what I mean. I would have put more pressure on you than I should, more than should be put on anyone. I had to learn to cope with things properly. I can now, most of the time." He only sees his therapist once every month now and that is only because he wants to. He doesn't have to any more but he wants the safety net just in case.
"But I didn't even notice that something was wrong. Mari was the one who realised," Shinji tells him, pressing his face back against Kaworu's shoulder and neck, Kaworu sighs at the sensation.
"Mari wasn't supposed to find out, none of you were. She turned up unannounced and I wasn't prepared." Though he was angry at the time he is more thankful than he knows how to express now. It's quite possible that Mari interfered just in time. He knows now that if it had gone on much longer he would have completely broken down.
"She really cares about you, she was frantic when she called me. I don't remember ever hearing her like that before. I know she's a bit obsessive about things sometimes but she was really worried. Rei was too." Shinji pauses. "I was terrified."
Kaworu remembers those weeks with mixed emotions, the good mixed with the swirl of thoughts and emotions threatening to drown him. Through it all though Shinji had stayed close to him, he wonders now if it was as much for Kaworu as for him.
"Me too," Kaworu admits softly.
Shinji moves again so that he can look at him.
"I - I - I love you too, Kaworu." His hand squeezes tighter and the arm around him holds him closer. Kaworu feels his heart flutter but he understands the way he means it. Whereas when Kaworu says he loves Shinji he means it in any way that Shinji wants him to, he suspects that Shinji means he loves him as a best friend. It still makes him happy, immeasurably so. Though when Kaworu nods and gives him a small smile Shinji seems confused. "I, I." He shakes his head.
"What's wrong?" Kaworu asks, though it seems that throughout their whirlwind conversation they've discussed a most of the things that would fall into that category anyway. Kaworu slides his hand out from Shinji's and wipes away the remains of tears on his face. He feels Shinji's cheeks heat under his hand but he doesn't ask him to stop.
"K-Kaworu, when you say you love me, what do you mean?" His voice is very, very quiet.
"It means that I love you and want you to be happy." He has never hidden his feelings but Kaworu isn't comfortable with them being quite so exposed. Shinji hasn't ever asked him to explain before.
Shinji nods. "Do you remember last year at the beach when I asked you if you wanted to watch the stars with me?"
Kaworu does and it makes him smile. It was a beautiful clear night and they'd laid under blankets watching the stars on the roof of the villa they were renting.
"You told me that you think you were born to meet me and I said that maybe I was too, that it felt like we were always supposed to be together. I - I look your hand and you pulled the blankets across us." It was the first time Shinji had ever reached for him outside of hotel rooms late at night but it had felt the same. "I made sure the others didn't know where we were going because I wanted it to be just the two of us."
"I didn't know that," Kaworu admits and Shinji smiles shyly.
"Kaworu, I was hoping you'd realise I'd asked you up there on a date."
Suddenly Kaworu feels hot and cold all over and his heart is thudding out its own fast rhythm.
"Oh," he says, surprised. He had absolutely no idea.
"You've never pushed me away, ever, and I… I, you haven't been doing that just to make me happy, have you? Even at the station and now, you haven't pushed me away."
"Shinji." Kaworu can't think of anything else to say for a moment, though he does shake his head. "I want to be as close to you as you will let me."
Shinji moves his free hand up and cups Kaworu's face, his thumb running along his cheeks. Kaworu is so overcome with feeling that he has to close his eyes and breathe deeply again. Trying to calm himself down. This is almost too much. He still leans into Shinji though and lets out a long breath that sounds like a sigh. When he opens his eyes Shinji looks nervous but there are signs of suppressed happiness in his eyes.
"Kaworu, I have been trying for a long time to tell you I love you but I couldn't ever seem to get the words out. You say them so easily to me and I wanted to say them back. When I say it, I mean the same thing you do." Kaworu wants to melt or move or do something - anything - but he also can't imagine being anywhere else. "I realised you hadn't figured out it was a date when we were at breakfast the next morning but I didn't say anything, then we were all so busy and you got sick and I… I… I didn't know what to do. But then this morning with my dad and I just wanted to see you and tell you and make sure you weren't hurting yourself to protect me -"
"It's alright, Shinji, I promise," Kaworu soothes, though his voice is catching on every word. "I didn't know, I didn't want to hope that you would feel the same. It's always been enough to be your friend."
"I want to us be more than that," Shinji whispers, looking shy, like he wants to look away and Kaworu's hold on his face is so light that he could if he wanted to, though he doesn't.
"I think we already are," Kaworu reasons. "Or we can be, if that's really what you want."
Shinji nods and moves, his hand that has been resting on Kaworu's face is now around his neck and his fingers woven in Kaworu's hair. He's holding Kaworu closely, head nestled in his shoulder and arms firmly around him. Kaworu's hand ends up in Shinji's hair again and he lets out a puff of air against his shoulder.
He's covered from head to toe in the most pleasant sensation, contentment radiating out from his core. They have held each other before but it has never, ever been like this. This time it means exactly what Kaworu thinks it does.
Shinji's breathing steadies out against Kaworu's neck, bringing wave after wave of wonderful sensation. Months ago he couldn't have coped with this - he realises that now - it would have been too much and his thoughts would have run down the worst possible scenarios. Right now all he feels is happiness and joy, being able to hold Shinji and feel his arms around him in return makes his heart soar.
"Kaworu?" Shinji's lips brush his neck and he shivers.
"Hm?"
Shinji lifts his head, Kaworu drops the hand that has been stroking his hair and instead rests it on his shoulder.
"Can I?" he asks, voice quiet. Kaworu nods and a moment later Shinji kisses him. Kaworu presses his lips back against Shinji's with the same gentle pressure. His heart is hammering again and he's pretty sure he's shaking. Shinji moves back with a smile, his cheeks are flushed but his eyes are bright. Kaworu moves forwards and kisses him again. Shinji's smile is even brighter afterwards, Kaworu understands without him saying anything.
"I really, really love you, Kaworu," Shinji admits.
"I love you too."
Kaworu doesn't remember ever seeing Shinji so happy. He wonders if he looks the same.
They settle back against the couch, Shinji tucking his legs underneath him at an angle so he can lean into Kaworu easily.
"Our tea is probably cold by now," Shinji comments.
"That's okay," Kaworu tells him, still stroking his hair. "It tastes good hot or cold. I normally make a large pot in the morning and drink it throughout the day. I have ice in the freezer if you want iced tea."
Shinji hums against his chest. "You really do think of everything, don't you?" The words are spoken with adoration and Kaworu shakes his head.
"It just makes things easier."
There are a few times during the afternoon that Kaworu sees Shinji glaring at his phone. It hasn't rung, vibrated or in anyway indicated that there has been any communication from his father but Shinji checks just the same. By the evening he puts it in his bag with a huff and tells Kaworu that if anyone wants to contact him he'll be able to hear it from there anyway.
At some point during the afternoon Kaworu had migrated to the piano and Shinji followed shortly afterwards. He's been sat next to him for the last hour, mostly watching Kaworu play piece after piece.
"My offer to let you leave your cello here still stands. I know you don't play much at home," Kaworu says, tinkering over the keys with his right hand. He can't think of what else to play at the moment, he's still a little overwhelmed.
"I might take you up on it," Shinji agrees, pressing his fingers to the keys to harmonise with Kaworu's playing.
They haven't played together since his birthday last year, though it seems like much longer. "I enjoy playing but I still don't like practicing."
"Hm. Somethings are necessary, though." Kaworu hasn't ever been fond of practicing but he knows he'll never be able to play as he wants to if he doesn't. In the first month of his recovery he couldn't face his piano or his violin, it had taken time to get acquainted with them again. Piano first, violin second, but now he plays them like he used to - just without the hesitation and the fear. It's like being able to breathe easy after being trapped underwater for a long time.
His life feels a lot like that now, too.
"I know I should practice more and I love being able to play, though I think I enjoy it more when we play together."
"Bring it with you next time," Kaworu offers, changing the melody and smiling as Shinji matches him, harmony underlying his notes beautifully.
"You say that like it's easy to carry." Shinji's using both hands now, Kaworu does the same.
He chuckles. "I'll help if you want me to." After a few seconds of silence he adds. "It's no trouble."
"Only if you're sure."
Kaworu smiles. "I'm sure. I haven't seen your flat in a while, anyway." Shinji's flat has always been neat and tidy, organised and ordered. Kaworu likes it, even feels comfortable there, but in the last few months Shinji has always been the one to visit him. He could have visited, it wouldn't have necessarily made him any worse as going outside wasn't a trigger for him. Maybe Shinji just hadn't want to make him uncomfortable.
"Okay then, next time I'm planning to come over you can meet me at mine and help me move it. I should probably bring all my music books and my stand too. We could ask Mari to drive us?"
"Maybe," Kaworu agrees. "Depends what car she brings with her."
Shinji laughs. Mari likes to drive round racetracks in her spare time and she gets a thrill out of putting cars to their limits. She's always been pretty road conscious though but there is a long running joke that one day she's going to snap.
They fall silent for a few minutes, letting the piano carry their conversation. Kaworu follows Shinji as much as he follows him and eventually he's brave enough to play something familiar.
Shinji copies. Kaworu closes his eyes and lets his fingers dance across the keys. It's exhilarating to play like this again with Shinji. It feels natural to hear and feel him at his side, it's as close to bliss as he's ever managed to be, though he wonders if that is about to change or if they'll add to it.
When the piece finishes, Kaworu opens his eyes to see Shinji staring at him with something close to amazement.
"We still sound pretty good together," Kaworu says with a smile.
"I didn't think I remembered it that well." Shinji looks back down at his hands and flexes his fingers. "I haven't practiced since last September but we've played it enough in the past, must be muscle memory or something."
"You shouldn't sell yourself short, Shinji, you're good at this, really good."
Shinji shrugs. "Maybe but I don't enjoy playing piano on my own, not like you do."
"There are more duets we can learn, I could write us a new one or we could write one together?" Kaworu offers, it would give him something to fill his free time with. Their work schedule is as full as last year but with weeks of work bunched together and months with nothing at all in between.
Shinji nods and starts playing again, just quietly practicing something. Kaworu smiles, he recognises it.
"Do you think we can still play it?" he asks.
"We can try, no one to hear us but each other." Kaworu is feeling braver than he has in a long time.
"Okay then." Shinji nods, holds his hands and waits for Kaworu to place his hands above the keys. With one small look to each other they begin.
It's fast and unlike before Kaworu has to keep his eyes open and concentrate. They wrote this over three weeks after returning from Kyoto the summer before last but it had taken them months to get it up to standard. They rarely played for anyone else - mostly Rei when they did - but there has always been something wonderful about working on something together, something they care about.
Parts of the piece only need one hand and taking a chance, he places his left hand on Shinji's thigh. He catches a brief smile across his face and leaves it there until he needs it again.
At the end they let the last notes echo around the room as they slowly fade back into silence. They catch their breath and Shinji places his hand over Kaworu's on his thigh.
"I don't think I can remember how to play anything else," he says, resting his head on Kaworu's shoulder.
"We'll leave it for now, then." He closes the lid of his piano and leans back against Shinji. "Do you want to go out for dinner?" he asks.
"Not unless you do."
"I don't mind."
"If you have anything in I can cook? As a thank you for letting me stay."
"You don't need to do that." Kaworu presses a kiss into his hair.
"I know but I'd really like to."
Kaworu remembers Shinji cooking for him when he had come to look after him last year. He had taken it so seriously and Kaworu can't help but wonder what was going through his mind. Did he really think it was partly his fault?
"Okay but you have to let me help," he says. "I never bother with anything but the basics, you could teach me to cook like you can."
"I'm really not that good."
Kaworu sighs. "Out of the five of us last summer, you were the only one who could cook something more exciting than fish or chicken with rice and you didn't burn it. Plus you made us those bento boxes and looked after the barbecue when Kaji gave up. Then you rescued Rei's valiant attempt at lunch -"
"Okay, okay, I get the point. I'm probably the best cook at Eva Models." He laughs. "Come on, lets see what you have in."
"Shinji?"
"Yes?"
"Why is your overnight bag behind the sofa?"
"Ahh… I…I wasn't sure where to put it." Shinji looks embarrassed and his hands are folded in front of him.
"You always sleep in my room." Or in a room with him but that's besides the point.
Shinji walks towards him. "After what happened at the station I was afraid I might say or do something I shouldn't so I left it here just in case."
"Why?"
"Kaworu, after what happened at the station I had no idea whether or not you really returned my feelings or if it would make you uncomfortable sharing your bed with me if I let slip how I feel about you. It's been harder and harder to hide and you were so oblivious…"
"So were you."
Shinji smiles at him, scratching the back of his head with one hand.
"I just… I knew you'd be too kind to actually ask me to leave so I was just going to stay in the spare room."
"Were you planning on telling me?" Kaworu asks, sitting on the arm of the sofa facing Shinji, a fresh mug of hot milk tea in his hands.
"No, in fact I'd been trying hard not to but I also wasn't planning on running at you at the tram station either so I thought it would be best to be careful." Shinji's stood right in front of Kaworu now. "I knew I was going to let it slip sooner or later, I was just hoping that even if you didn't feel the same it wouldn't affect our friendship."
"It wouldn't have done," Kaworu reassures because he knows it's important to him. "I also can't imagine how or why I wouldn't feel the same but I wouldn't ever be so cruel as to turn you away for something you can't change."
"I wouldn't have done either." Shinji's so close that his knees bump with Kaworu's. He takes a long sip of his tea and reaches across to put the mug on the table. At this level Shinji is taller so Kaworu leans forwards and rests his head on his chest. Shinji makes a pleased humming sound and brings his hands up to his back and head. Within minutes Kaworu is so relaxed he yawns.
"What time is it?" he asks, not bothering to move or look up.
"Ahh, half nine." Shinji's carding his hands through Kaworu's hair and it feels wonderful.
"Hm." He knows that the afternoon has completely wiped him out but for once he doesn't mind the idea of going to bed early or staying right where he is and letting Shinji continue to run his hands through his hair and over his scalp.
"We could, um, we could head to bed, if you're tired?" He sounds unsure and Kaworu lifts his head up just a little bit to see Shinji's shy and embarrassed expression.
He stifles another yawn and nuzzles back against Shinji's chest.
"Good idea."
Shinji steps back and Kaworu stands, takes Shinji's bag and offers him his hand. Shinji nods - just a little tip of his head - and takes it. They have shared a bed hundreds of times before both here and on the road yet this feels significant.
Kaworu drops Shinji's bag next to his side of the bed and lets go of his hand. He walks round to his own side, grabbing his pyjamas on the way.
"You can use the other bathroom if you want, I won't be long." Shinji doesn't reply and when Kaworu looks up he sees him standing there looking shell-shocked."Shinji?" He drops his pyjamas back onto the bed and walks around to stand in front of him. He reaches carefully for his hands and Shinji lets him take them though his eyes dart to the bed and then the floor. "Did you want to do something else? You don't have to come to bed if you don't want to. You're welcome to use the TV or read or…hm," he adds (Shinji still won't look at him though he's holding his hands tightly.) "Did you want to grab some blankets and watch the stars? It's a little cloudy and we won't be able to see the sky as clearly but we could try if you want?" Shinji shakes his head.
Kaworu is starting to worry again but he's also confused. Shinji was fine a few minutes ago but then again he isn't one to talk.
"You know you can tell me," Kaworu reminds him. "Whatever it is."
"It's just, I don't know how to do any of this. The only date I went on ended in disaster at high school. I don't know how to… to…"
"To do what, Shinji?" Kaworu keeps his voice gentle, he thinks he knows where this is going now but instead of just reassuring him blindly, it's probably best to talk this through.
"To kiss you or, you know, any of the things people are supposed to do in relationships." The words sound like they hurt to say and Kaworu feels for him.
"I don't either," he says. "People used to ask me out when I was in school but they never interested me so I didn't bother. You are the first person I've ever wanted to get close to and even then, Shinji, it's more important for me to be with you than it is to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."
"But what if I - you - we want to?" Shinji braves a quick look at him but his eyes shoot back down again, this time resting on his tee shirt.
Kaworu's heart flutters at the thought. "Then we do what we've always done."
"What do you mean?"
Kaworu smiles. "We practice."
"So it wouldn't bother you if I was terrible at it - any of it?"
"Why would it?" Though he wonders if Shinji's fear of failure at this is at all similar to the crushing terror he had felt only months before. It just seems to be concentrated around this though which probably means it's okay. Is he really this important to Shinji? Though Shinji is this important to him so it's possible. "We practice on the piano over and over and it never sounds good when we start but we still enjoy it because we're playing together."
Shinji's looking at him now and Kaworu gives him a small smile of reassurance.
"You really don't mind?"
"No, of course not." To prove his point - and because he wants to and can - he leans forwards and kisses him, just like before, gentle pressure until Shinji presses back. After a moment he moves back just slightly and nuzzles his nose against Shinji's - he hears him giggle in return.
"Ill, um, I'll go and get ready in the other bathroom." Shinji squeezes his hands then stands back. "I won't be long."
"Take your time," Kaworu says.
He's still feeling serenely calm when he heads back to bed. He throws his clothes into the hamper by the bathroom door and pulls back his covers. He slides himself into bed and pulls the covers around him, half tempted to grab his book while he waits for Shinji. Instead he rests against the head board and breathes in and out slowly, running through is calming exercises just in case.
He hears his door open and close and sees Shinji come in, he quickly puts the rest of his clothes away and pauses for a moment before climbing into bed.
Kaworu turns the light off then slides down on his side and faces Shinji, who joins him in the middle. He seems more determined now and wastes no time in tangling his legs with Kaworu's and putting an arm around him to hold him close. Kaworu does the same and they both hold each other tightly. Shinji's hand is fisted in the back of Kaworu's top near and his other is holding onto his hip, his head rests against Kaworu's and his warm breath ruffles his hair. He's had no idea, he realises, just how worried or affected Shinji has been, not really. He knew he was worried but it occurs to Kaworu that up until today that he's never imagined that he is as important to Shinji as he is to him. It's a strange and starting revelation that seems to hit him again and again.
"Can we - can we just stay like this?" Shinji asks and Kaworu smiles, big and wide.
"Of course," he tells him. "I don't want to move anyway." It's probably going to get uncomfortable in a little while and they'll no doubt re-position themselves so that they're more comfortable but Kaworu isn't in any rush. This is the best he's felt in a very long time and it's good-wonderful-perfect to hold Shinji like this and be held in return.
Fin
Bonus!
"I got a pocket full of, pocket full of sunshine -" Kaworu's ringtone blares from his beside table. "I got a love and I know that it's all mine. Oh, oh Oh oh."
"Uhhh," Kaworu mumbles, freeing his hand from Shinji's hair and reaching backwards to grab his phone. Shinji shifts and presses closer against his side but doesn't wake up. "Hello?"
"Morning, sunshine!" Mari greets on the other end.
Kaworu looks at his clock; it's 8am. Most people would consider this too early to call someone. Mari is not most people.
"Good morning." He squeezes his eyes shut and pushes his head back into the pillow.
"I was just calling to see if you wanted to meet me for breakfast at the cafe next to your building."
Kaworu looks at Shinji sleeping next to him and squeezes his shoulder.
"Can Shinji come along as well?" he asks.
"Sure, why not? I'll meet you both there about nine, is that okay?"
"We'll see you then."
"Awesome." Mari disconnects the call and Kaworu lets out a laugh.
"Did you just volunteer us for breakfast with Mari?" Shinji asks, finally opening his eyes.
"Is that okay?" He probably should have asked Shinji first.
"It's fine." He's smiling.
"Are you sure?"
Shinji laughs. "Yes, I'm hungry anyway and the cafe's really nice."
"Okay." Kaworu puts his phone back on the bedside table and rolls over onto his side, pulling Shinji into his arms as he does so. Warm tingles shoot up his arms as he does so and centre in his chest.
"How long do we have?" Shinji asks, though his voice is muffled by Kaworu's shoulder.
"An hour."
"Hmm, plenty of time then," Shinji tells him.
In few minutes Kaworu will get up for a shower, Shinji will likely head to the other bathroom for one as well then they'll head out into the fresh air and morning sunshine of the city.
There is an awkward moment outside Kaworu's apartment - they're both freshly showered and dressed - where they just stand there awkwardly. Shinji is staring at Kaworu's hand and Kaworu is doing the same.
"We can, if you want to," he offers and without saying anything in reply, Shinji slides his hand into his and holds on. Kaworu's heart feels too big for his chest the whole way down in the lift and he holds a little tighter as they step outside.
Mari greets them with an enthusiastic wave, winking at Shinji and then at Kaworu.
"Took you both long enough," she comments and then leads them inside.
Shinji's cheeks are pink by the time they sit down and order and Kaworu is pretty sure he's blushing too. Mari doesn't draw any further attention to it but she seems to be smiling at them both whenever she thinks they aren't looking.
"So," Mari says, getting their attention. "I'm pretty sure you're wondering what I'm doing up so early."
"It had occurred to me, yes," Kaworu agrees but Shinji shrugs.
"I know that you both meet here for breakfast sometimes so I thought it was normal."
"Mari normally has a reason."
"Kaworu's right and this morning is no different. So, you know that we're both off to promote the new racing team in a few weeks time?"
It would be the start of six long weeks of modelling, touring the country, promotional work for more things than Kaworu can currently remember. It's the longest time he will spend working since he was ill. Shinji places his hand over his underneath the table, when Kaworu looks at him he seems concerned.
"Sorry," he tells them both but Mari shrugs and Shinji gives him a small smile. Kaworu laces their fingers together and nods to Mari to continue.
"Well, I've been asking them for months to actually let me be part of the team and this morning they finally agreed. Apparently my speed test the other day and my medical last week were all they needed to approve me. Misato says it'll be great for publicity but that's not why I'm doing it." She smiles. "Really pushing a car, racing against others and knowing I can beat them…. it's such a rush, I can't wait."
Kaworu smiles, big and genuine. "Congratulations."
"That sounds wonderful Mari," Shinji agrees.
"I know. I had to tell someone and I knew Kaworu wouldn't mind if I called him and then you were an added bonus," she says, looking to Shinji again. "I was also thinking of arranging a celebratory party at my flat later in the week for everyone. You're both invited, of course."
"Ahhh," Shinji looks to Kaworu. Everyone will mean everyone after all.
"It's fine, sounds good," Kaworu agrees and doesn't miss both Shinji's and Mari's look of relief.
"I'll pay," Shinji insists when they get the bill.
Mari looks like she's going to protest but Kaworu adds, "We'll both pay." And Shinji reluctantly agrees. "It's your celebratory breakfast after all," he adds.
Mari shrugs. "Fair enough, I'm not going to say no."
After they've left they part at the front doors to Kaworu's building. Mari hugs them both in turn but Kaworu feels her ruffle his hair and take a deep breath. She then does the same to Shinji.
"That's strange," she tells them as she moves back.
"What is?" Shinji is straightening his hair out with one hand.
"You've clearly both showered this morning but you smell different, totally different. You smell like watermelon," she tells Shinji. "and you smell like peaches, which I didn't expect but I'm not used to what everyone smells like outside of work." She wrinkles her nose then continues, "but I thought you'd both smell the same or at least smell a little like each other."
"Um, Mari?" Shinji's bright red again but he's at least found his voice.
"Yes?"
"We, ah, we didn't shower together."
"Oh."
"I, um, I showered in the spare room's en suite."
"Huh," she says, though her lips are quirking into an amused grin. "That's actually adorable and I don't use that word lightly."
"I don't think I've ever heard you use it before," Kaworu agrees, still a little shell shocked. "At least not when talking about people."
Mari shrugs. "You've been in hot springs together - more times than I can count - yet you insist on using separate bathrooms. Though your bathroom is kind of small, probably not enough room for more than one person in your shower or your bath at the same time." She lifts her bag back onto her shoulder when it slips down. "I'll speak to Misato, make sure she gives you a room with a really big bathroom for our next job, kay? If not I'll book you in at the local hot spring or baths."
"You really don't have to," Shinji stutters out and Kaworu takes his hand, he feels bad for having him do all the talking.
"Nonsense, it'll mean she has to give us a nice room too - to make it even, it's about time." She hugs Shinji again and he lifts one arm around her in return.
She does the same to Kaworu and he swears she smells him again.
"Are you still okay to help us bring Shinji's cello over in the next week or so?" he asks.
"Sure, just let me know when. I'm going to head over to Rei's then Asuka's, see if they want to join me for a celebratory lunch." She waves then heads off down the street. Halfway down she turns around and waves at them, gesturing inside the building then carrying on with her walk.
Kaworu nods and leads them both back inside.
"I haven't seen her that excited in months," Shinji says as they put their bags on the pegs and settled onto the sofa in the lounge.
"Yeah, she was unusually cheerful, though I'm not surprised by the racing. She's wanted to do that for ages."
Shinji flops down next to Kaworu and leans into him so Kaworu raises his arm and curls it around Shinji's shoulders.
Kaworu puts something on the TV, they're not really watching it but it's nice to have on while they relax together. After a while Shinji slides an arm around Kaworu's waist and snuggles closer.
"Anything you want to do today?" Kaworu asks him.
"No, not really. Maybe play piano later? And take you out for dinner this evening, if you want?" Shinji shifts to look at him and Kaworu smiles.
"On a date?" He's teasing but only a little.
Shinji huffs and flushes. "Yes, on a date."
"Okay then, sounds good."
Fin (again)
This has been therapeutic for me to write, more so than I was expecting and some of the things Kaworu has been through are similar enough to my own experiences for me to have an okay understanding when writing them. I don't mean any of the circumstances or anyone I know specifically but I wasn't just making up it all up as I went along.
If you need help, most of the time the absolute hardest thing can be to ask for help but it is worth it.
If you liked this or have any comments then I would love to hear them :)
(Kaworu's ringtone is from the song Pocket Full of Sunshine and it's a very sneaky reference to the movie Easy A, for no other reason than I love the movie and that song as a ringtone.)