Shane.
His name repeats in my mind constantly, and I never know what to do about it. I see his face in my mind, hear his voice, breathe his smell. Do I sound obsessed? In a way, I believe I may just be obsessed. I mean…I just want to be around him constantly, is that such a crime? I suppose there are some people who might believe so. It's not right, but I don't care. I never have given much care to right and wrong in the past few years.
"Jason? Are you in there?"
His voice boomed through the door and his fist pounded on it. He sounded aggravated, not angry but definitely not peaceful. My best bet was that Nate woke him up, and since we only have twenty minutes to go until we have to be onstage, he's not too pleased. After all, Shane must shower and flatiron his hair. I stayed silent, not wanting to give away that I was in there. The knob turned, but I had locked the door.
"Jason! I know you're in there! Open the door!"
The knob rattled like mad, but I ignored it. He was groaning on the other side of the door, and I felt partially guilty for not letting him in, but I was too busy. Although I knew he had things to do, I had things of my own to do. Just thoughts of him, and my feelings for him, rushed through my head as I picked up the razorblade. One swipe…one hard swipe and I could be free of all these secrets, all this misery. Just one swipe…
"Come on, Jase! Please!" he began to whine. "I'm desperate!"
Desperate? He doesn't understand what it's like to be desperate. Maybe what he feels at this moment is desperation, but it's nothing compared to my desperation for him. Sometimes I wish he wasn't my brother, but instead, a lover, someone close to me in an affectionate way rather than just blood. His gorgeous face and sexy moves onstage…it all drove me crazy, and I had for months been breathing out his name from my touch.
"Jason! Did you die in there? Seriously, I need in!"
Shane.
Shane Adam Gray.
You don't know how right you are.
*-**-**-**-**-*
"Jason! Did you die in there? Seriously, I need in!"
Sometimes that boy would be the death of me, I swear. He's older than me but sometimes it feels like he's just a shy child, avoiding trouble the longer he could. I was receiving no answer, and I couldn't hear anything inside the bathroom. Perhaps he wasn't in the bathroom after all? Maybe Nate had accidentally locked the door and shut it before anyone else had the chance to squeeze in.
"Are you in there, Jase? Please open the door, it's your loving brother!"
Loving brother, indeed. Much more than brotherly love, that was for sure. It bothered me an entire lot, and I didn't know how to handle it. My older brother was always on my mind, and I urged to touch him in ways I knew he had never been touched. I was nineteen and wild, but he was quiet and shy at twenty-one, and I had done much more than he had in his life. I yearned to show him how much I knew.
"Please, Jason! I'm begging you!"
I was seriously begging. To get onstage in time, I wouldn't even be able to shower. All I would have time to do is flatiron my hair, and not even very well. I would probably go onstage with waves rather than straight hair. I continued to bang on the door and turn the locked knob, but I received no answer. Groaning, I knew I was being immature, but then again, so was he, refusing to acknowledge me.
"If you don't open this door right now, Jase, then I'm getting mom and dad."
It was nearly an empty threat, as I really didn't feel like fetching my parents. Needless to say, I didn't want my brother to be so angry with me. I was sure he would be angry if dad had to bang down the door. I turned and pushed against the door with my back, sliding down to the floor, quietly begging to get in. Still no reply. I was about to get up and yell, as much I didn't want to, until I heard a huge thud inside the locked bathroom.
Jason?
*-**-**-**-**-*
"He hasn't lost too much blood, yet. He'll live."
I opened my eyes to a darkened room, but as my eyes got used to the low light, I could make out some figures. There was mom, and she was talking to what looked like a doctor. Sitting in two chairs at the end of the bed, as I realized I was in a bed, were Shane and Nate, both looking as if they had been crying. Why wasn't I dead? I closed my eyes again, but remained awake, and attempted to find my voice.
"Where am I?"
All heads snapped toward me, and mom rushed to my side, "Jason! Oh, honey, are you okay? Do you feel any pain?"
I shook my head, "No, but I have a headache."
"You hit the floor pretty hard, sweetheart. Shane found you and came to tell us."
Of course Shane found me. Shane was by the door before it even happened. I noticed there were a couple IVs inserted in my arm, and my left wrist was wrapped in a dry bloody bandage. Shane and Nate stood, each of them coming closer, looks of genuine concern on their faces. It seemed as if both of them were at a loss for words, so mom knelt beside my bed. She ran a hand through my straightened hair.
"Why did you do it, honey?"
"I…" no idea what to say, I was quiet a moment. "I don't know, mom."
"Are you depressed? Have you felt emotionally unstable lately?"
Lately? I've always been emotionally unstable. Nobody was ever able to tell, though, considering I always hid my feelings inside. There had been times where I let out a cry in public, but it was easy to say that I was remembering past regrets. To be in love with my younger brother, I would have to be unstable. It's not proper, and certainly against our religion. Still…I had assumed I'd be dead by now.
"Mom, can I just be alone right now?"
"Of course, sweetheart. You need time to think, it's perfectly okay." Mom stood and motioned to my brothers, "Come on, boys. Let's go call your father."
Nate nodded, and followed mom. Shane had begun to, but I noticed he stopped as soon as everyone, including the doctor, were out of the room. Turning around slowly, he re-approached the bed, where I was just watching him silently. He stood a the end of the bed for a moment, staring back at me, before coming forward and sitting on the bed beside me. He looked scared, upset, angry, and many more emotions mixed.
"So Jase…why did you do it? I know that you know."
You, Shane.
Because I can't handle loving you.
*-**-**-**-**-*
"I really don't know, Shane."
I didn't believe him for a bit. In all the admiring of the boy I had done, I knew his looks. His eyes betrayed him when he lied, even when his facial expression said otherwise. I raised my hand and ran my hand through his hair the way mom had, but it was different. Brothers don't do that to each other, but I didn't care. I was so worried about him, why on Earth would he try to kill himself?
"Jase, I love you, and I want to know why you did it."
I wished I could tell him the extent of my love. While worried about each other, we always said, "I love you," but I meant it differently. I adore him. I cannot think badly about him often, and all I wanted to do was cuddle him and hold him while he slept. I knew it was bad to think about my brother that way, but I didn't care anymore. The only thing stopping me were his feelings, and how mine may never be returned.
"Why, Shane?" he sighed as he asked that.
"I'm worried about you. I want to know why you would do such a thing."
"It's…Shane, I love you."
"I love you, too, Jase."
"No, Shane. I don't love you like a brother loves on another. I love you as a man loves a woman, and in this case a man loves a man. I was afraid…"
He didn't even have to finish the sentence. I knew exactly what he meant, he was afraid his feelings wouldn't be returned. I was somewhat shocked to hear his confession. My older brother tried to kill himself because he loved me? It was ridiculous. I couldn't handle the thought, but I moved closer to him, and took his bandaged hand in mine. Looking into his eyes, I smiled very briefly to him.
"I love you, too, and in the same way. You don't have to be afraid. For a long time, Jason Kevin Gray, you have been the light of my life."
I couldn't help myself then. I leaned in, and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. There was no reaction at first, so I moved to pull away, but as I did so, he moved his face closer. His tongue begged for entrance, which I granted, and time passed as we sat in his hospital bed with our lips locked. It was what I had been waiting so long for, the feeling was amazing. When we finally pulled away, he was smiling to me for the first time in ages.
"I'm so glad I'm not dead, Shane."
Same here.