It was a day that Elizabeth Middleford would forget if she could. If only such a thing was possible. But unfortunately humans did not have the ability of selective memory; no, they're stuck with each and every one that happens and will remember as long as they are alive.
Unfortunately for Elizabeth, that was very much true, each and every day. A day didn't pass by where something didn't remind her of him. Him. Even the simplest of things would remind her of something about him, something that had made him him.
Ciel Phantomhive….
Arranged marriage or not, Elizabeth loved him with everything she had. How could she not after everything they'd been through in the short time they'd known each other? Even if 13 years wasn't that much in the grand scheme of their lives, it was still plenty long enough for her to feel a bond with her fiance. She'd be in disbelief if she didn't feel anything of that magnitude for him.
The ride out to the cemetery was a quiet one, but that was only natural when the only person in the carriage was the blonde herself. But this was by her choice, she wanted this time alone with her thoughts, she wanted Ciel to be with her, and her alone, even if it was only in her mind.
Dressed in black from head to toe, it was probably the only time that someone would see her in nothing but that color. Something random that stuck with Elizabeth as she looked down at her dress was the fact that she'd chastised Ciel for wearing all black the very last day she saw him. Telling him that it didn't suit him and that it wasn't cute at all. She still didn't think the color had, but now she'd wished she'd used up her breath on something other than scolding him for not wearing a brighter color.
She'd never understand the circumstances behind Ciel's death, she knew that for a fact. The last she'd heard, Scotland Yard had left it as an open case for the sole reason that Ciel's body had never been found. And after a year of the former Earl still being at large even after being declared dead, Elizabeth had lost hope that he ever would return home alive. After all, why would it take him an entire year just to return to London? Even if he'd gone so far as leaving the country, whether it be voluntarily or by force, he still had enough influence as an Earl that returning homeshouldn't be that difficult.
As the carriage came to a stop in front of a particular section in the cemetery, it wasn't a few seconds later that the door opened and a hand was extended to the teenager so she could step down and walk forward. Her destination was directly in front of her, already close enough that the markings on the stone were readable from her standing point.
Ciel Phantomhive
Born December 14, 1875
Died August 26, 1889, aged 13 years,
May his memory never be forgotten.
It was a simple tombstone. Elizabeth knew Ciel well and she knew he wouldn't have wanted anything intricate or overly elaborate, that just wasn't who he was. A simple marble tombstone with the engraving done in a scrawl that actually resembled the late Phantomhive's own handwriting. That was an idea of her own devising, a small testament to Ciel's previous unwavering dedication to his work, up until the day he died. Something she'd always admired about him, despite her regular reminders that he shouldn't work himself too hard, to allow himself time to relax and be the young person he was, even if it's been futile efforts on her part.
Her steps forward were slow but deliberate. She knew delaying coming to stand in front of Ciel's unofficial resting place would only cause her more emotional pain, as if she hadn't endured enough already on this day alone. Her hands were clasped together tightly, as if in a desperate attempt to use physical pain to distract her from the emotional pain.
She looked down at the ground in front of the tombstone. Untouched soil, soil that would remain in that state for as long as Ciel's body remained at large. That was one of the things that hurt Elizabeth the most. To her, Ciel couldn't properly rest in peace because the funeral hadn't been completed, because a burial couldn't have happened. It was like a page in that day had been torn out and was still being searched for so it could be reattached.
Elizabeth had had a bench erected a short distance from the grave site, for times like this when she wanted to visit her betrothed. Surprisingly enough those days weren't as often as people would think, because Elizabeth often found it too hard to come here and look at the reminder that she lost everything she'd spent the beginning years of her life for. It was a loss that the girl still wasn't able to fully comprehend.
Her gaze would waver between her lap, the tombstone, the forest in the distance, and the expanse of grass that housed other burial sites for other noblemen, the Middleford plots actually not being far from where she was right now. Time seemed to be nonexistent when she was here, when she was like this. Her voice was a mere murmur when she spoke though she was only talking to air. But when she was speaking aloud, her jade eyes never moved from the marble stone, as if it were Ciel himself looking back at her and listening to what she had to say.
Ciel, I miss you, so much. So much so that I can't even say. It's been a year now since I saw you in person, and I still sometimes feel as if it's the same day I received word of your death. But are you really? You're not here Ciel, not really. Are you still out there, and if you are, why are you still not home? You have a home here Ciel, you always will. As long as I'm alive, you'd always have someone to come home to. I know you always believed that your home was lost the day it all burned, but you still had others that loved you with all their hearts. If you're truly gone, then I hope you're in peace wherever you are. I wish it was here, where you could've had a proper burial. You could've had a proper goodbye….
Elizabeth bit her lip as a fresh wave of tears hit her and blurred her vision, and she had to take a moment to compose herself so she could continue talking. She had to get this off her chest, she needed this peace of mind knowing she'd said what she could, hoping he'd hear it somehow, even if she knew the wish was completely ridiculous and impossible.
I don't know why you're gone, I don't know what happened. On one hand, I'm always going to be curious because I have that question of what exactly went wrong; but on the other hand, I don't want to know so I can always have the final image of you standing before me as we had our last dance together. I never want to ruin that memory. Even if it was our last day together, I'll keep it with me forever Ciel. I still love you, even now, and I'm sorry I never told you that enough. I just hope that when I left that day, you still knew that in your heart.
I promise I'll visit you. On your birthday, and today and whenever I have the courage to return here. I want to visit you more, but having this reminder that you're gone is so painful for me to take. My parents and my brother have been wonderful to me this past year, but there's only one person I want to see in all of this. One person who could dry all these tears I've shed since last year. And…that's you. But I know that can never happen, so I simply have to resign myself to that fact and try to be strong.
At that point the blonde was reaching her breaking point, where she would only be making a spectacle of herself if she continued this talking and silent crying. Even if it was acceptable for the girl to be grieving the loss of her betrothed and her family member, Elizabeth still wanted to be seen as a strong person. Someone who had been worthy to be called the future wife of the Queen's Guard Dog, even if she no longer had that title attached to her. Even if Ciel was no longer here, she still wanted to remain the capable girl he knew her as.
She'd only been there a mere thirty minutes in reality, but it felt like half a day had passed for her. As soon as she returned home, she would change out of her mourning dress, get into one more consistent with her day to day wear, and she would sit in the drawing room and have the afternoon tea with her parents and brother. Although they all knew what today was, the Middleford's wanted to make it as normal as possible for the girl, anything to help ease the pain of what the one year anniversary held for her emotionally. And for that she was grateful, she always would be.
She wordlessly stepped back up into the carriage and sat down where she'd been on the journey out. The return ride home was just as silent as the outgoing trip. As would the girl for the remainder of the day. The only time where she wouldn't be silent was at night.
At night, when the sobs would wrack her thin frame again as she clutched the Bitter Rabbit she'd kept at her bedside for years. The Bitter Rabbit she'd had fashioned in Ciel's likeness, an eyepatch identical to his, and an outfit identical to the one she saw him in the most. A tiny, if not somewhat insignificant reminder of him. As if her feelings could be called something so negative, or downplayed as such.
Quite the opposite.