Alert, alert. Shounen-ai, invented statistics, a recycled OC, and general strangeness.
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It was in the bag. A cinch. So easy it was ridiculous. Yohji has female-scented sighs of admiration perfumed all over him on a regular basis.
The contest was simple: whoever gets more gifts before Valentine's Day at oh-nine hundred hours Tokyo Standard Time doesn't have to work the afternoon and night shift on the 14th of February. The consolation prize would be dealing with panicky guys who claim to have undergone a mysterious and equally convenient time warp, or your occasional spontaneous casanova who never plans ahead, save for the critical forethought concerning usage of X or Y brand hair gel. But the flower shop reaches its peak war zone condition during the earlier part of the day - that's when everything gets bloody. And still, that was the time slot which Yohji and Ken were battling each other for.
To the casual observer it might make a bit of sense, if he had no qualms disregarding pesky details. Such a person would say to himself, "Hey, why spend the alleged most romantic day of the year with a breathing block of ice (codename: Aya Fujimiya)? If I had to slave myself for a bunch of sappy customers wreaking havoc, I should at least be able to do it with Omi."
But the truth was, on any given holiday, Omi was - get this - worse than Aya. Christmas, New Year's Eve, Hanukkah - you name it, Omi will be sure to give Aya some competition in the art of brooding.
It was always strange to witness the cheerful boy take a nosedive into the most abysmal cavities of depression. The couple of days everyone perks up and finds meaning in their lives is the time Omi chooses to pout chronically and once in a while appear suicidal. The fact that Omi had a school dance on the night of February 14 aggravated the dilated gloom he felt in the name of Valentine season.
Yet, given this fact, Yohji wasn't undecided in the least as he began Operation Beat the Shit Out Of Ken Until His Unattractive and Dateless Ass is Black and Freaking Blue. Or, when Yohji forgot the complete name, Operation Win Contest. He took a lot of time sizing Ken up. Despite his monologues on how confident he was that he would win, Yohji knew that some girls might be a little intimidated to step up and express their feelings. Sometimes, all this elegance and sex appeal is such a handicap.
Plus, Ken's little fan club couldn't be disregarded. They come in clusters with their Ken keychains in hand, wearing custom-made caps with the ex-J-Leaguer's face embroided on the front, each sold separately. They even had a theme song... They let Yohji and Omi listen to the ringtone.
So, Yohji decided to go on a date or two before the day of tallying gifts arrived. Tonight was Lola, the ex-girlfriend's turn. She was a college student getting a major in Fine Arts... Certainly she could spare a few minutes of her life to splash packets of glitter onto some construction paper, draw a little heart on the corner and give it to him.
Two hours into the date and she asked, "Yohji. Why were you so desperate to go out with me tonight?"
Taken aback at first, the suave blond recovered. "I wouldn't use the word 'desperate', myself, but I was craving your company for quite some time now. I miss you, you know."
Lola nonchalantly sighed, apparently predicting a response just as insincere as the one Yohji had given her. "...Would you like some wine?"
It was hard to miss the twinkle in Yohji's eyes. "Sure."
This is going better than I thought! Yohji thought as the crystal goblet in front of him was filled with liquid colored a bit too strangely to be wine. Not deterred at all, he sipped all the contents of his glass thoughtlessly, and set it down with a satisfied sigh. It hadn't tasted like wine at all, but it made him as warm as any ordinary glass of wine would have. "You haven't even started on yours," Yohji commented, seeing Lola's untouched drink.
"So, why were you so desperate to go out with me tonight?"
Erk. Yohji felt more than a little exasperated. Geez, this girl is persistent. "I already told you, even if I lied about it just a while ago. I'm doing whatever it takes to win this bet I have with Ken."
"Oh," Lola said, nodding, as if someone just explained to her how a pair of scissors work.
Yohji paused. What the hell did I just say?! "I didn't mean to say that. I wanted to deceive you some more- oh my God, what the fuck is happening to me?!"
"Don't get a stroke, Yohji, I just made you drink some truth serum, that's all."
"What?!" Yohji yelped.
Lola grinned proudly. "It's a potion that doesn't allow the consumer to lie. Whipped it up myself. Pretty cool, huh?"
"Is this the stuff they teach you in college nowadays? ...Hey, do you actually think I'm going to believe that?" Yohji scoffed. "Don't think I'm stupid, just because my brothers convinced me that the toilet water they got from a public bathroom was actually mineral water that one time!"
"...Ew."
"Oh. My. God." Yohji quickly got up and grabbed at the door knob, and made a hasty retreat. After a few seconds, he came back to briefly announce that, "It was an initiation to the fraternity!" The very second he shut the door, it was thrown open yet again and a distressed blond head popped in squeaking, "No, it wasn't some initiation for the fraternity. Agh!" With that said, Yohji left for good.
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Valentine's day.
It's all your fault! All your stupid holiday does is inspire stacks of cringe-worthy scripts for mind-rotting romantic comedies and spread some disease that makes candy-carrying zombies of the entire human race!
Indeed, it was the fault of one 14th day of the month.
As was griped about, it brought with it an influx of romantic movies and people that are even worse. And that scared Yohji. (Referring to the latter of course, although the former provides its own horror factor.) He wondered why someone bothered to invent Halloween at all, given the frightening effect that this love business had on the endocrine system.
And all of that had been bad on their own... Now he couldn't lie? Valentine's Day was just one day away! With his brand new prevarication impediment, he damn well better win that stupid contest against Ken - or else he'd have to spend all that time alone with Aya, completely defenseless and truthful!
That morning, Ken had teased him for looking as I-got-ran-over-by-a-train as he did. Aya and the Ayafied Omi had no immediate reactions.
"Shut up, Ken," Yohji growled. "Even looking like this, my pile of gifts will weigh ten pounds more than yours."
"Oh? Is some lady going to give you a boulder and tell you to live under it?" Ken laughed at his own quip, since in particular was rising to the occasion. "Ahh, but really, Yohji, you look... Oh, how to put in words? Ah, for starters, how does 'hideous' sound? Really, what happened to you? Just how badly were you dumped last night?"
"Nothing happened, except that I was bewitched into telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God."
Ken, and a now reasonably intrigued Aya, gaped at Yohji. Omi was still too out of it to participate appropriately.
"Uh... What are you talking about?" Ken wondered aloud.
"I can't lie! I can't tell a freaking lie thanks to that girl's potion! It's driving me crazy!" Yohji banged his head on the counter Omi was leaning on, and the shorter blond didn't even flinch.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, you've always been crazy." Ken shook his head, pitying the poor lunatic.
"Yohji. Do you or do you not own leopard-skin underwear?"
Aya... just... asked if... Ken was rendered speechless. (Bravo, Aya.)
"Four pairs, and one's velvet," Yohji replied casually, right before attempting to rip out all his hair with one mighty tug. "Aw, Jesus, someone clamp my jaw shut!"
Daze finally lifted off Ken's head, the brunet ventured to test this beautiful opportunity himself. "So, Yohji. You're about as straight as Pamela Anderson's silhouette, aren't you?"
"I personally don't understand why you guys aren't dead-sure, with the things I wear. Ken, I swear to everything holy that I will murder you. Slowly and surely."
Ken guffawed, clapping the shoulder of the boy still flooded with holiday blues. "Omi, come on, now's your chance to pry some info from Yohji!"
"Leave me alone," Omi muttered, shaking Ken's hand off.
"Come on, Omi, take it easy. This holiday isn't so bad. Look, you've even got something to celebrate!" When that made the boy's scowl deepen even further, Ken sighed and positioned himself behind the boy. Snatching Omi's limp wrists, he flailed Omi's hands about and said in a falsetto voice, "Look at me, I'm Omi. Everyone loves me because I'm so cute and sweet. Woe is me."
"Knock it off!" Omi said sharply, freeing himself from Ken's grasp right before sending a sharp elbow into his friend's gut.
"Omi's just miserable because-" Yohji began in a true, bewitched fashion.
"I suggest, Ken, that you and Yohji prepare," Aya said in an uncharacteristically resounding voice, obviously meant to drown out any revelations that Yohji was about to spew out. "You're opening in ten minutes."
"Sir, yes, sir," Ken muttered.
"Make sure he doesn't say anything that we'll make him regret."
"Do I have to go to school today?" Omi whined in a devastated voice. "All the professors will probably just make us do worthless, uneducational activities that incorporate the Valentine atmosphere. Like, write an essay about your one true love, or make up a research paper on Cleopatra and Mark Anthony. Then all these girls would probably ask me to go that annoying dance with them and I'll have to say no to each and every one."
"You are going to the dance. That's an order," Yohji reminded him. "It should cheer you up. Supposedly."
"I can't believe you got Persia to have a say in this," Omi bemoaned his fate.
"Actually, he didn't really-"
"Omi," Ken cut in smartly, "if you don't want to bring any of those girls, I told you, I can go with you. Your classmates have already seen me, they know we're best friends."
"It's not a 'friend' thing," Omi grated, irate.
"And that's assuming you win the bet and don't have to work during the night time," Yohji pointed out. "Which is not happening, not if I can help it."
"Now that's a lie," Ken countered smugly.
"We'll see about that..."
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"Are you sure I can't help? I mean, today's the day before... ooh, I can't say it without shuddering," Omi stated, wincing. "Anyway, I should probably just skip classes today. I wouldn't be able to concentrate and you guys need all the help you can-"
"Nuh uh, no playing hooky, Omi," Yohji said, shoving the boy along to the exit. "Besides, we're the only flower shop that isn't giving out discounts."
"You didn't put the sign up?" Aya questioned dangerously.
Uh-oh, this goddamn truth thing is getting me into so much trouble! "This goddamn truth thing is getting me into so much trouble!" A nice, healthy pause. "Shit, guys, I'm literally speaking my mind over here. Please, Omittchi, do me a favor and call Lola. Ask her how to cure this! She likes you, she'll tell you."
"Let me help you in the store today, and it's a deal," Omi bargained.
Yohji, being Yohji, considered this.
"Beat it, kid," Ken answered for him. Aya dragged Omi by the arm and left the flower shop. Ken grinned, waving widely as they disappeared gradually into the horizon, with Omi's dark cloud hovering relentlessly above the usually jovial boy. "Man, it sucks seeing Omi like this."
"Don't you just hate it? I've got an idea! Why don't you work with Aya tomorrow so you don't have to see mopey Omi the whole day? You know his angst is only going to get worse by tomorrow."
"You idiot, I don't mean I don't want to see him at all. I want to see him happy..."
"Ken, why do you want to win the contest so badly, anyway?" Yohji asked, critically close to pleading.
Instead of answering the question posed before him, a slow grin formed on his face, a grin that the devil himself would've envied. "Why do you?" Ken threw back, a touch coy.
Yohji snorted. "I'm not telling you about how much I don't want to be alone with Aya on Valentine's day, let alone with this cursed inability to lie about anything, which would probably include my feelings for him." Without even blinking, Yohji's vainglorious expression shattered into a grimace of despair. "Nonononono-!"
"Good morning, boys." Sunlight bounced merrily off bright red hair.
"Please tell me there's a mission! We're going to mangle Lola for using illegal substances that make me blurt out utterly honest statements!"
Manx shook her head. "Sorry, Yohji. I just came here to confirm Bombay's report on your... predicament."
"Why that little prick! He won't call Lola but he found the time to tell you?!"
"Hey, don't call him that!" Ken exclaimed, purely out of habit, in defense of his younger teammate.
"I've always wanted to know." Manx leaned in, as if to interrogate Yohji. "You're a bigger homosexual than Asia's entire drag queen population, right?"
"You guys. Bare midriffs. Bare midriffs! Do you want me to underline that and flash it on a neon billboard?!"
Manx nodded thoughtfully. "True."
"Say, Manx, you're looking-"
"Save it. What do you want?"
"I need to one-up Ken on presents so I can avoid Aya tomorrow."
"Is that so? Well, while I do pity you, Yohji... This is for Ken." Manx picked a single flower from the vase, leaving it on the table in front of Ken. "Good luck."
Ken thanked her profusely, raising the flower to the heavens in triumph. "Oh yeah! Ken- one, Yohji- zero!"
"Hey, that doesn't count! She didn't even pay for it!"
"Does too, she gave it to me," Ken replied, sticking his tongue out childishly.
"Well, it doesn't matter. I got ten yesterday."
"...Wow. Really?"
"No. Just two."
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The hours slipped away from Yohji's grasp, and suddenly the dreaded holiday had descended upon them. The day before had been disastrous. Yohji found out that, for one reason or another, women tend to retract their gifts after thanking them elatedly for helping him win a contest.
"I'm counting these in the back room," Aya announced, holding two piles of gifts in separate plastic bags.
"Hey, wait! Why do you get to count? I'm the one who can't lie about the results here!"
"Contestants are never allowed to be a part of the final decision. It's basic contest protocol." Aya shut the door behind him, without another word.
"Don't worry. He doesn't care as much as you wish he does," Ken assured Yohji under his breath.
Yohji glared in response.
After damn near an eternity, Aya stepped out, clearing his throat slightly. "Ken is the winner."
"What?!"
"Alright! Who's the man?" Ken looked just about to ready to break into a victory dance.
"You're working the afternoon and night shift with me, Yohji." Aya was out the door before Yohji could display more violent reactions.
Ken turned to his wouldbe partner for the day. "Well, Omi, it looks like-"
Whoever Ken had intended to talk to transformed into a fascinating blur, one that somehow forceably pushed Yohji into the back room before Ken could get another syllable out. Omi slammed the door behind him, wide sapphire eyes burning holes into Yohji's startled and pretty much cowering frame. "How could you let him win like that?!"
"It's not my fault!" Yohji whimpered.
"I am not going to do the shift with him," Omi hissed.
It occurred to Yohji to be stunned. "...Hold on, why not?"
Omi sighed, frustrated. "Don't you remember what you told me about those statistics? That more than seventy-two percent of the couples who spend Valentine's day together won't make it in the long run? Which is why you wanted the shift with me instead of Aya in the first place?" he whispered, careful not to let Ken hear anything.
"That is exactly why I wanted to the shift with you!" Yohji replied, with every intention of answering the exact opposite.
"I've never been a suspicious person before, but I'm so damn desperate! Every holiday I get so lonely, and it's getting worse every year. I mean, here I am, trying to make sure that Ken and I will have a perfect relationship, and I failed. And we haven't even hooked up yet!" Omi stamped his foot on the ground, looking petulant. "I'm doomed! And you just sealed my fate, thank you very much! Now I'll have to settle for some fangirl, thanks to you - some incredibly overbearing, incredibly attention-seeking, incredibly... incredibly female-"
"Most girls are," Yohji informed him.
"-incredibly un-Kenlike someone who is not, nor could ever come close to- Aaahh!" Omi yelped when a mostly unexpected brunet burst into the room without warning.
Fortunately, Ken had his normal expression on... Oblivious. "Omi? What's wrong?"
Omi's surprise was overthrown by his seasonal stress. "Nothing! Just go away!"
Ken looked visibly injured by Omi's outburst. "'Nothing?' It's something you can tell Yohji and not me?"
Yohji almost smacked his hand on his forehead. "Obviously, you knucklehead. If you must know, I happen to be un-Kenlike, and Omi happens to have the biggest crush on you, but he's not just going to go up to you and point it out like I just did, you know."
"Yohji!" Omi shrieked, blue eyes widening to an almost impossible extent.
"Whoops." Yohji shrugged numbly.
Pushing past Ken, Omi ducked out of the room and hauled tail... possibly towards the next province. Or country. Or continent. Or galaxy, if he manages to find a way.
Ken, meanwhile, was stuck with paralysis.
"Ken...?" Yohji waved his hand in front of glazed brown eyes and a gaping mouth.
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The sun was about to set on the day of hearts, and still Omi couldn't stop thinking of Yohji professing the younger blond's once secret feelings for Ken.
He had been pacing just outside of his school, and his knees eventually backfired on him. He sighed, crumpling down to sit on the pavement, deflated. "I hate holidays. Especially Valentine's day!"
"It's not so bad... Especially if you're not alone," Ken offered, sitting beside him.
Omi jumped, alarmed. "Where did you come from? ...And could you please go back there?! You almost gave me a heart attack!"
"Well, now I'm giving you someone to spend holidays with."
"Yeah? Thanks for the offer, but go find your own sidewalk!" Omi said snippily, trying to push Ken off. "I don't want to celebrate anything with you!"
Ken ignored the nudging, chuckling a little as if it were tickling him. "Really? That's not what I was told today."
Omi bit back a scream, burying his head in wiry arms. "Why are you doing this to me?" he wailed.
Genuinely confused, Ken scratched the back of his neck. "I thought... I thought you liked me?"
"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the gods," Omi deadpanned.
"Look, Omi, I want to spend the day with you. Okay, 'day' would just about qualify for Understatement of the New Millenium," Ken admitted sheepishly. "But, I mean... especially today. I hate everyone and everything that depresses you... but I can't hate holidays. Christmas is such a festive time, and so many adults acquire all these brand new insights even if they only last for about 24 hours tops. And then, everyone's so hopeful on New Year's day, because it's like some symbolism for redemption of self and all that. And Valentine's... Well, how could anyone pass up a chance to revel in love? You can be bitter all you want, but when it comes down to it, love was probably the very first ingredient in the primordial soup of our planet."
Omi made it a point to tell Ken later on that he should never, under any circumstances, go to Hallmark looking for a job. "So... To summarize, you don't like whatever makes me sad, yet you can't help but fawn over holidays."
Ken's face fell. "In a nutshell, yeah. It's just that you refrained entirely from what I was really trying to say to you."
"Did you know that seventy-two percent of the couples who honor Saint Valentine's holiday end up with their relationships lying in the gutter?"
"Seventy-two percent of the relationships fail?" Ken's eyebrows knit together, perplexed. "I thought it was the other way around."
"Seventy-two percent break up in the grand finale, Ken."
Ken began laughing hysterically, and Omi wouldn't count out the word 'maniacally'. "I was working so hard, too."
With his perception on the fritz thanks to the time of the year, Omi misinterpreted what Ken said. "I'm sorry for ditching you to handle the flower shop all by yourself..." he murmured guiltily.
"Huh? Oh, no, forget it. I didn't have to work much. There was an unexpected customer drought, all things considered. What I was really working for was to make sure I was with you every minute of the day. That's why I was willing to fight for that shift with you. And, well, I was planning to surprise you at your dance - which, I notice, you aren't at."
"The terms were that I go to the dance. My presence in the actual ballroom was in no way cited," the dutiful teenager replied automatically. "Wait, Ken, so what are you saying?
"I'm saying that you're really rather dense for a genius." Ken bowed his head, abruptly becoming shy and unable to meet Omi's searching eyes. "The Bible, society, and now, statistics say we shouldn't be together. That's quite a shitload. But, Omi... I'm asking you to ignore all of them. I'm asking you to listen to something more important. Your heart."
...It's only become of greater importance to tell Ken never to write for Hallmark.
Instead of giving Ken's head a good whacking for that line, which he should've done, Omi gave that piece of advice a chance. After a moment of silence, Omi declared, "It's not saying anything."
"Sure it is." Ken placed a hand over Omi's chest and felt an irregular pounding beneath the layers of clothing and imagined soft skin, and Ken was sure it echoed his own frenzied heartbeat. "Listen." In a voice that would lead others to believe that he swallowed helium, Ken chanted through the side of his mouth, "I love Ken. I love Ken. I love Ken."
Omi rolled his eyes, giggling despite himself. "And when did you get so talented in interpretation?"
"Just came to me, I think. There are a few things I can't translate into words, though," Ken whispered as he slowly leaned in towards Omi.
They met him in a slow, unbearably sweet kiss, relaying a message that couldn't have been said any better.
Ken pulled back, smiling at the sight of Omi with his softly shut eyes and ever-tempting lips still being offered. "Well, I don't think you're stepping into that building any time soon, and in any case I wouldn't let you. So we better blow this joint," Ken suggested, yanking Omi up and securing that pliant body against his as they stood up.
"Eighty-nine percent of the people who sleep together on the first date usually never make it as a couple."
"We don't have to... Go on a date, I mean."
Omi threw him a cross look.
"Just kidding, just kidding. We'll have to beat the odds then."
"Ken," Omi repeated, more emphatic this time. "Eighty. Nine. Percent."
"Remember what I told you about statistics? And remember what I said you're supposed to listen to? Well, that, plus another part of the human anatomy that's worth hearing out." Ken took Omi's hands in his, intense brown eyes drinking in the infinite pools of blue. "So, what's it telling you?" a husky voice inquired Omi.
"Which one, my heart or... 'the other part'?"
"...Both?"
"Hold on, I'll ask." After landing a searing kiss on Ken's lips and responding eagerly to a furious ravishing of wayward hands and a skillful mouth, Omi's heart, mind, and other key role-players of his body arrived at a unanimous decision. "They say, and I quote, 'your room or mine?'"
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Yohji had an idea. He would swear on oath that it was the cleverest, most ingenious concept that mankind had ever conceived in the history of all brilliant ideas. He was going to exhaust himself until he had no choice but to collapse, hence shutting that damnable mouth of his once and for all for the rest of Valentine's day.
Unfortunately, living through a nightmare for six hours straight did not get him unconscious. All it did was give him a few broken bones and reassurance that he'll wake up with bruise-adorned skin the next morning.
"Aya, have mercy on me, I just went through Valentine hell."
"No one asked you to take over Omi's shift." Aya threw Yohji's apron at him, that which fell on the floor forgotten in the midst of a hectic lesson in botany.
"Ken would've dropped dead in five minutes if he had to wheel and deal in that chaos."
"Seems a little too peaceful for Armageddon to me," Aya said, raising his eyebrow at their virtually empty store. "And Ken was waltzing out the door as if nothing happened."
"The guy had been waiting for hours on end to go and see Omi," Yohji explained. "You were not here from ten to four. If you were, I'd have asked you to kill me just to get it all over with."
"Well, weren't you and Ken fighting over that very time slot?"
"Not because I wanted to augment my insanity any further! I just didn't want to be alone with you in this godforsaken flower shop on Valentine's day! Fuck honesty and the best fucking policy! Argh!"
"I closed the shop. No need to be alone with me in here."
He closed the shop?! This from the same guy who chewed on me and spat me back out last night for not putting up that discount sign? "Why did you close up already?"
"You said you didn't want to be alone with me in this godforsaken flower shop. Though none of us knew why."
Trapped! That son of a bitch, he won't get away with this! "I didn't want the shift with you because this stupid day makes people do stupid things and I might just let it slip that I'm more fond of you than you can ever imagine," Yohji said through gritted teeth. And there were his words, hanging high above him, so far from ambiguous and so painfully far from the reach of an ability to repair them. "I can't believe you just took advantage of me like that!"
"Get used to it," Aya advised him simply. "Besides, it's already clear that you have some idiotic theory about a date on the calendar. And might I just remind you, your stupidity is a result of a thick skull encasing the brain of a moron, and is in no way related to the 14th of February."
Yohji crossed his arms over his chest, having never left the previous topic. "You took advantage of the my condition, you despicable little bastard."
Aya smirked with a routine air of arrogance. "I would've found out you were in love with me with or without the potion."
"I am not in love with you!" Yohji gasped, struck with a sudden epiphany. "Oh my God, I lied. I- I lied! I can lie again!"
"Yes, I forgot to tell you. I called your ex-girlfriend in the hospital when I visited Aya-chan, and Lola said the effects of the her little concoction wear off in twenty four hours."
Yohji was torn between strangling Aya and screwing him silly.
"I didn't mean- When I said that I lied, I actually was lying, because I can't lie! ...Er."
"Yohji, I'm asking you to think. Try, in any case. How much of a chance at happiness do people like you and I have?"
And Yohji thought. And he calculated. And he wondered how he could get Aya on the bottom. "Twenty-eight percent," he replied, grabbing at Aya and deciding that strangling him could wait.
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Parting words. Title was derived from the childhood chant "liar, liar, pants on fire", as this was - in its own little way - inspired by a movie with a similar name. Plus it makes the story seem scandalous.
I realize I've used the whole Yohji-and-Ken-making-a-bet-involving-flower-shop-shifts bit (see "The Shortest Distance..." ^_^'), but do forgive me as I found it appropriate for this plot. Lola from "Minus Eight Lives" also somehow found her way here. I've also managed to make Ken a hideous character, so to make up for it, I'm to never make anyone read any of my WK fics ever again. ^_^
http:// midst . sweet-chaos . net / ok / is a random permutation of letters and punctuation marks. Looks familiar, though, as if it were something you could visit on the internet... (Sorry about that. ^_^ I had to...)