Better Together

by Headbanger Rockstar

If he died today…like this…please God not like this…would anyone care? MAJOR EPISODE SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 10.1 Extreme Prejudice. Gibbs/Tony Father/Son No Slash. One Shot.

Disclaimer: MAJOR EPISODE SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 10.1—Extreme Prejudice. Spoilers for Episode 3.12 Boxed In, and mild reference to Season 4. Read at your own risk! I do not own NCIS or any of its characters.

Thanks to Gotgoats my wonderful beta who helped me write this convoluted story and kept me going when I got frustrated. Thanks babe! Love you!

Author's Note: Just got finished watching the premiere and this little bunny took over my brain. I hope you enjoy!

WARNING! MAJOR ANGST AHEAD! Also, some OOCness

Better Together
By Headbanger_Rockstar

It seemed like hours since the explosion, but probably was only a few minutes. Tony and Ziva sat in opposite corners of the elevator car, staring at each other. They had swapped sniping words with each other several minutes before and the elevator had been dredged in silence ever since. The ringing of a cell phone drew both of their attention and Ziva fished the phone out of her pocket.

Tony listened, letting the rapid-fire Hebrew wash over him as Ziva talked on the phone—quite obviously to her father. He pulled his own phone out of his pocket and he looked sadly at the main screen. No missed calls for him. He thought of calling his father, but wondered why. The Old Man was probably too busy to talk to him, too wrapped up in a business deal, too caught up in himself and his wonderful life to stop and be concerned about something as trivial as his only son being caught up in a terrorist bombing attack.

He put the phone back in his pocket. Tony was being morose and he knew he was, but something was bugging him. He couldn't name what it was yet, but there was something, just on the tip of his brain, that was bothering him about all of this.

The elevator tipped suddenly, a death moan echoing through the building, and Tony held his breath. He wondered if the cart was going to fall. And suddenly, he knew what was bugging him.

The cart might fall.

He and Ziva might still die.

His friends—his family—might already be dead, and he couldn't get to them. Couldn't save them.

If he died today…like this…please God not like this…would anyone care?

Ziva ended her call and put the phone back in her pocket. "That was my father," she said softly.

"I kinda figured by the Hebrew," Tony said, his voice equally soft.

"It's all over the news in Israel."

"You should call him back and ask him if he can get us out of this elevator."

They shared a quiet chuckle, but neither of their hearts was in it. Finally Ziva took a deep breath. "I am sorry Tony, for the things I said earlier. We are both under a tremendous amount of stress here and I shoul—"

"Don't apologize," Tony said. "Just…don't." He shook his head and dropped his gaze to his lap. Christ it was hot.

"This reminds me of that op you and I went on…we ended up in the storage container. Remember?"

How could I forget, Tony thought to himself, you were insulting me back then too. "I remember," he said softly, without lifting his gaze. At least it had been cold that day.

Ziva misread the emotion she saw on Tony's face. "Surely you are not still angry about that? That was years ago! I did not know you were grazed by a bullet! I thought you were only whi—"

"It doesn't matter," Tony said softly.

There was more creaking in the building and a wave of heat rose through the elevator. "I wonder if the building is on fire," Ziva said softly.

"I wonder if there is anything left of the building," Tony said, leaning his head back against the metal wall.

"Obviously there is building left because otherwise we would be dead," Ziva sniped. "We are not floating in midair held up by litigation!"

"Levitation," Tony muttered. The elevator suddenly shuddered and a thumping sound could be heard from below them. Tony and Ziva looked at each other, eyes wide. They didn't know if someone was getting them out of the elevator, or if the elevator was about to give up and drop to the ground.

During the next few minutes there was more tapping and banging from below the elevator. Suddenly the doors began to pry apart and a wave of cool fresh air rushed into the room, causing both of them to shiver in relief.

"Agent DiNozzo? Agent David? Are you both alright?" the fireman in the doorway asked.

Before either of them could answer, Abby shoved the fireman out of the way. "TONY! ZIVA!"

Tony slid out of the elevator, stumbling slightly, and pushed his way past Abby. He couldn't deal with her right now. He needed to get outside, needed to get some fresh air.

"Tony? Are you ok?" Abby called after him.

"Agent DiNozzo you and Agent David both need to be examined by a medic."

"Fine," Tony called over his shoulder. "I'll get checked. I'm fine."

Abby helped Ziva down from the elevator. "What's with him? Did he hit his head or something? Is he ok?"

Ziva stared after him, lips pursed. "I do not know," she whispered. She looked at Abby. "If he says he is fine, we should listen to him, yes? After all, he is a big boy now—a grown man."

Abby watched as Tony slid down off a small pile of rubble. He slowly climbed to his feet and ran a hand over his hair, looking around, taking in the damage. She didn't like it…but Tony was probably just in shock—like they all were. He was fine…wasn't he?

xxx

Tony looked all around the Yard at the damage. Everywhere there was debris, broken glass, dust, emergency vehicles, people stumbling around in obvious shock, and others pacing with their cell phones tucked up against their ears. Of course. They were calling their families—spouses, siblings, parents…probably calling friends, loved ones of all varieties.

He noticed a couple of people looking at him oddly—he wasn't injured, but he wasn't on the phone. Tony noticed the strange looks, and decided that instead of catching those looks repeatedly—or worse, having to explain why he wasn't calling anyone, he'd just do what he had to do to blend in. Reaching into his pocket, Tony pulled out his cell phone and pressed it to his ear without making a call. He recited a one-sided conversation, relaying to nobody that he was fine, that the explosion had spared him, that he was still alive.

He was still alive.

A medic waved at him to get his attention. Tony stopped and looked at her. He lifted the phone away from his ear.

"We need to examine you," the medic said.

Tony smiled and shook his head. "I already got checked out," he lied, the smile becoming easier with each passing second. He could feel his mask sliding into place. He could be fine. No one needed to know that his heart felt like it was ripping in two. "I'm cleared," he told the medic.

The medic raised an eyebrow at him, but nodded slowly. "Make sure you stop and see a medic again if you need one," she instructed. "You're kind of pale."

"Yeah well I just survived an explosion," Tony snapped. "Being pale is better than being…" He broke off suddenly, shocked by his own words. Being pale is better than being dead. That's what he almost said. But there were some people who were dead because of this, and nearly speaking of death in such a flippant way made Tony feel like an ass. He sighed and looked up at the building. What was left of it, anyway.

The medic nodded sadly and looked at the building, following Tony's gaze. A moment later she looked back to Tony, but he was gone.

xxx

Gibbs was pacing through his house. He'd known when he left the Yard that his whole team had been accounted for. He'd gotten a call from Abby letting him know that Tony and Ziva had both come out of the elevator relatively unscathed. They were both sweaty and hot from being stuck in the elevator car for so long, and Abby reported that Tony had been exceptionally quiet when he got out, but was otherwise ok she thought. Gibbs had gotten McGee situated with the EMTs and sent off to Bethesda. After speaking with Director Vance and Secretary Jarvis, he'd stopped by the hospital to check on his young agent.

The lead agent was glad to hear that his agents were all accounted for. He figured Tony was probably just tired and shaken up by the explosion. Gibbs thought of calling Tony and checking on him…making sure his best agent was as well as he was reporting he was. One thing Gibbs knew for sure was that Tony had a nasty habit of not listing off all of his ailments at any given time.

A knock on his door drew him away from his thoughts. Moving to the door, expecting it to be Tony, Gibbs yanked it open.

"DiNo—Tobias."

"You expecting company?" Fornell shoved his way past Gibbs.

Gibbs shut the door behind his friend and shrugged. "Don't know," he said. "Been a rough day."

xxx

Tony stopped by the liquor store on his way home. He used his credit card and loaded himself up with several bottles of get-me-through-the-night. Heading home, Tony tugged at his tie, pulling the knot loose and steering his way slowly through town towards his brownstone apartment.

Pulling out his cell phone, Tony thought he would call Palmer and see how the wedding went. He listened to the phone ring, some catchy little classical tune that served as his friend's ringtone was just added noise to Tony's already overwhelmed brain. Finally a breathless voice answered the phone.

"Tony! Thank God! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine Jimmy," Tony said softly. "I was calling to see how the wedding went?"

"Well…the wedding went great…was everything we hoped it would be. But then we got the call…and now I'm at the hospital."

Tony nearly swerved off the road. "Hospital? Why are you at the hospital?"

"It's Ducky," Palmer said softly. "He had a heart attack. He said he got a call about the explosion at NCIS, and he just collapsed."

"God," Tony whispered. "What else is going to happen?"

"Are you alright Tony?" Jimmy asked. "You don't seem yourself."

"Just been a long day," Tony said softly. "How's Breena?"

"Oh she's just been great," Palmer said, and Tony could hear the smile in his voice. "She's stayed here at the hospital with me…we were going to leave on our honeymoon, but decided to wait…she's been awesome. A really wonderful sounding board, really supportive…don't know what I would have done without her."

"That's…that's great," Tony said softly. "Hey I got another call coming in…can I call ya back later?"

"Sure Tony! You sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine Palmer. You worry too much. Later!"

"Bye," Jimmy said softly.

Tony ended the call and pitched the phone into the passenger seat.

xxx

Gibbs blinked and looked around. He was on the couch in the living room, covered in a blanket, and he could almost make out the numbers on the microwave. He rolled off the cushions and stumbled to the kitchen. He'd gotten so caught up talking to Fornell, telling him about what had happened, plotting revenge, and drinking bourbon, that he hadn't gotten Tony called earlier. He vaguely wondered when he'd fallen asleep, and made a mental note to tease Tobias about tucking him into bed the next time he saw him.

He squinted at the bright green digital numbers. 3:19am. He couldn't call Tony now—he hoped that the younger man was actually getting some sleep. Gibbs walked back to the couch and sank down on it, images from earlier in the day racing through his mind. At some point he drifted off to sleep again, his last thoughts on Tony, wondering if he was alright, and promising himself that he'd check on his second in command first thing in the morning.

xxx

Tony groaned and looked at the clock. He didn't know what time he was supposed to be at work today, but assumed that he was, in fact, supposed to go in. He hadn't heard from Gibbs, but had heard from lots of different people around the Yard yesterday that Gibbs was alive, fine, and had already been herded into MTAC, so Tony had just headed home. He knew that SECNAV was going to be out for blood—as well as the director and Gibbs.

This attack was personal. It was uncalled for. Innocent people had been killed.

Oh yeah Gibbs was going to be on the warpath.

Tony decided to take the long way through the Yard. He wanted to see the extent of the damage. He was a little bit reluctant to go to work today. He was sure he was probably just wearing his emotions on his sleeve, but he was more than a little bit miffed that his phone hadn't rung the night before. No one—not one person—had called to check on him last night. He had no missed calls. He had no new voicemail messages.

All of that boiled down to one thing. One depressing thought that kept circulating in his head.

Tony had no one. He was completely alone—and no one cared if he was alive or dead.

The young man was shocked by the complete devastation that he saw at every turn. One of the guards at the gate told him that the MCRTs had been relocated to a temporary trailer that had been set up overnight. He was pointed in the right direction and told to have a nice day.

Tony wandered into the area that was playing host to his team and looked around. Ziva was nowhere to be seen, McGee wasn't there either, and Gibbs…who knew where he was?

"Have a seat anywhere you like DiNozzo," the director's voice spoke from behind him. Tony turned. Leon looked like he'd aged ten years overnight. "This area is for your team," Leon indicated the 4-plex of desks for them."

"Thank you sir. Good morning sir."

Leon smiled—actually smiled, a real smile, not a false smirk. "Good morning DiNozzo. Good to see you."

Yeah because the alternative would suck, Tony thought to himself. "You too, sir," he said with a nervous smile. "Um…do you know where Gibbs is?"

"He's in MTAC. Should be out soon."

Tony nodded and Leon walked away.

xxx

Gibbs stormed into the makeshift bullpen, already annoyed by the investigation. He saw Tony at his desk and sat down at his own desk.

"Good morning Boss," Tony said, plastering a grin on his face.

"Mornin' DiNozzo," Gibbs said back. He was digging through a stack of files.

"I just came from over by the armory," Tony commented. "They had a lot of damage down there." He hated trying to make small talk—especially when Gibbs was in a mood like this. However, he didn't want to just sit in silence all day either.

"There's a lot of damage all over the Yard," Gibbs snapped, still digging through the files.

"Yeah," Tony said softly. "Did um…" he trailed off.

Gibbs slapped the files onto the table. "Did what?" he grumped. He finally looked up at Tony.

"Did you call Dr. Ryan?" Tony asked softly. He hated himself for being nosey, but Tony felt like he could make himself feel better that Gibbs didn't call if he was with the pretty doctor last night.

"Why would I do that?" Gibbs snapped, picking up a different pile of files and starting to dig though them.

"I just thought…I mean…it must be nice…to have someone to talk to…after something like this," Tony said softly, staring at his lap.

"I think we have work to do," Gibbs muttered. He could kick himself in the ass for not calling Tony the night before. He stole a glance at his Senior Field Agent and stood up, walking away. He grimaced when he was sure Tony couldn't see him. Gibbs didn't miss the red rimmed eyes, or the way Tony seemed to be shying away from the light as much as possible. He wondered if the younger man had spent the previous evening drinking, or if he had injured himself despite what Abby had told him.

The day continued on, progressing and annoying Gibbs. They were spinning their wheels, Gibbs was sure of it. The lead agent kept an eye on his second in command though, watching as he maneuvered through the wreckage, maneuvered through the evidence, maneuvered through the internet seeking out information on Harper Dearing. He needed to get a minute to speak with him—a minute when he wasn't so distracted by the case—but the minutes flew by and none of them gave Gibbs the opportunity to check in on how Tony was doing.

Soon enough it was late in the day, time to head home, and in between blinks, Tony had gathered his things and was gone. Gibbs had watched the young man struggle to keep his mask firmly in place—because Gibbs knew the happy-go-lucky side of Tony was mostly an act. He watched as Tony teased Ziva, watched him gently poke fun at Tim when he showed up around lunch time. He heard the sharp remarks that Ziva made back to Tony though, saw the minute flinches whenever she struck a nerve. He watched his agent deflate when Tim ignored him after Tony cracked a joke. Even Abby was distant, withdrawn and preoccupied…nothing was the same.

Something was bothering his agent. Gibbs was sure of it. And the night before he hadn't listened to his gut—hadn't even bothered to call and check on Tony. He'd gotten so wrapped up in talking to Fornell…The explosion had given them all a new perspective. Had given them all a reality check, and they were all harshly reminded of their mortality. But Gibbs couldn't shake the feeling that there was something more bothering Tony.

He made it his top priority—he would find out what was going on with Tony—and he would do it before the sun set that day.

xxx

Gibbs gave Tony a one hour head start. That would give his agent time to get home from work, get showered, changed, whatever it was he needed to do to come down off of his day. And then Gibbs would swing by and check on him. And if he brought a pizza and six pack of beer with him…well they both needed to eat dinner!

He stopped at the pizza parlor that Tony raved on and on about, and ordered a Tony Special—pepperoni, sausage and extra cheese. He swung by the gas station and picked up a six pack for them. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding when he saw Tony's car in the lot. A glance up at Tony's window showed lights on inside—Tony was indeed home. Gibbs decided to use his key to get into the building. He could knock once he reached Tony's apartment, but he wasn't interested in talking to a speaker for now.

It didn't take Gibbs long to make it up the four flights of stairs to Tony's fourth floor apartment. He raised his hand at Tony's door and knocked. There was no answer. Gibbs frowned and listened carefully. He couldn't hear any noise coming from inside the apartment. So he knocked again. After a couple of minutes he heard the sound of light footsteps padding through the apartment.

"Who is it?" Tony called softly from the inside.

"It's me, Tony," Gibbs said softly.

"Oh," Tony spat softly. "I'm busy." The footsteps receded.

Gibbs knocked again, louder. "DiNozzo open the damn door!"

"No thanks Boss," Tony called from deeper inside the apartment. "I'm not on the clock right now and I'd rather not."

Gibbs blinked. Tony didn't want to see him? What the hell? "DiNozzo…Tony…come on. Just for a minute. I just wanna talk to you."

"Think there's been enough talking. Or maybe not. Either way, I'm not in the mood. Goodnight." The light under the door clicked off and Gibbs heard Tony walking away.

Oh yes something was absolutely wrong. Gibbs needed to fix this, and he needed to fix it quickly. He knocked again, but was ignored. He could use his key to get inside the apartment, but felt like that would really be stepping far beyond the boundary that Tony had put between them. So he walked slowly over to the stairs and sat down on the top one. He'd wait for a bit, then try again.

xxx

Tony wandered aimlessly around his apartment. He thought he was doing pretty well—and now Gibbs was questioning everything he was doing. Wasn't he allowed to take a break? Take a breather—get off the crazy train for an evening? His cell phone was still turned on—if work needed him they could get him.

What did Gibbs want? He hadn't cared enough to call the night before—hadn't cared enough to make sure hadn't gotten blown up. What the hell did he want now? The more Tony thought about it the angrier he became. He'd checked on everyone—made sure everyone was alive, found out where everyone was before he'd done anything else. He wasn't the team leader! Why had he bothered? And he'd done it after Ziva spent the afternoon insulting him—reminding him of all of those times when he hadn't been quite good enough, strong enough, fast enough.

Tony climbed into bed before the sun went down. He wasn't sleepy, but felt incredibly tired and weary. His side was hurting too—he seemed to vaguely recall, at some point, Ziva landing hard on him, elbows pressing into the wrong places…he wondered if he'd cracked a rib or something. He'd already found the monstrous bruise on his hip where he'd landed on it funny. Maybe tomorrow he could go down and see Du—Tony sighed when he thought of Ducky. The spry, ageless, Medical Examiner…oh Tony would be devastated if something ever happened to him. No, he wouldn't be going to see Ducky tomorrow.

Tony laid in bed for a long time, staring out the window, wondering why it was that his life had been spared when so many others—people who were loved and would be missed—had died.

There was something grossly unjust about that.

xxx

Gibbs sat on the landing for an hour before his phone began to ring. Gibbs blinked and looked at the caller ID on the phone. FORNELL. Gibbs flipped the phone open and listened to Fornell telling him all about the team he'd sent out…the one that had just been eliminated by another explosion. Once he got off the phone, knowing he needed to head back to the office, Gibbs decided to try one last time to get Tony to open the door. By now the pizza was cold and the beer was not, and he raised his hand to knock. Before he could go any farther he had to know Tony was alright.

He listened for sounds coming from the inside of Tony's apartment. There was no sound. He knew Tony was still inside because he would have noticed him leaving—Tony would have had to step over him to leave. He didn't know if the younger man was asleep, but it was still early—barely 8pm—and he didn't think his agent would be asleep at this hour. He began to worry that maybe Tony wasn't feeling well, that he was more injured than he'd let on. Perhaps he needed help?

With a sigh, Gibbs pulled out his key to Tony's apartment. He remembered the day that Tony had given it to him.

Flashback

"Boss can I give you a key to my house?"

Gibbs looked at his probie curiously. Tony had been on the job for exactly three days. Things were working out well, they were a good fit, but the Senior Agent wondered at this odd request.

"What for?"

Tony shrugged uncomfortably. "Dunno…I have an extra key. I just moved here so I don't really have any friends yet…just…feel better knowing someone can get to me in the house if something were to happen."

"Yeah Tony. Yeah I'll take your key." Tony breathed a sigh of relief and passed the key to his boss.

"You probably think I'm weird," Tony said.

"Not at all," Gibbs said. "One of the reasons I keep my house unlocked. Never know what might happen."

"Boss I've never met anyone who keeps their house unlocked. Why do you do that? Why not give someone a key like I am? We live in DC! It isn't exactly crime free—hence the reason we all have jobs."

Gibbs smirked. He liked Tony, liked his sense of humor, liked his charm. "I lost 'em," Gibbs said softly. "So I just leave the door unlocked."

Tony stared at him incredulously. Gibbs just smiled and shrugged.

End Flashback

Using the reason Tony had for giving him the key in the first place seemed like as good an excuse as any for using the key to open Tony's apartment now. He'd been a regular visitor there for years, but Tony always let him inside. Gibbs' gut tightened as he slid the key in the lock. He turned the key, unlocked the door, and pushed it open.

Well. Almost.

Tony had hooked the slide lock and the chain on the door. He couldn't get the door to budge. He considered—briefly—merely breaking the locks and busting his way in. But before he would do that, he thought perhaps he would try calling Tony and seeing if he could talk the young man into opening the door instead.

Tony sighed in his ear as soon as he answered. "Boss what do you want?" He sounded despondent, like he had the weight of his world on his shoulders. He sounded tired.

"Tony…come open the door. I want to talk to you. I won't stay long if you don't want me to."

"Thought I already told you I don't want to talk."

"I need to know you're ok Tony. Didn't get a chance to check on you yet."

"Yeah, about that. Don't bother. I'm fine."

"Will you at least open the door so we can have this conversation face to face?"

Tony was quiet for a moment. "I'm tired," he said finally. "I just want to go to sleep. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. There was something wrong here. Something very, very wrong. Tony craved attention and interaction like a junkie.

"Let me come in Tony. Five minutes. That's all I'm asking for."

"You aren't going to let this go, are you?"

Gibbs was silent. Tony knew he wasn't going to just let it go. He wondered if the younger man would cave.

"I'm tired Gibbs. It's been a long day. I'll see you at work in the morning."

Gibbs had to give him credit. The kid was tough. "Tony I—"

"I'm going to go to bed. Good night Gibbs." The phone clicked in Gibbs' ear. Gibbs let out a sigh, and then took a step back from the door. He knew he'd been dismissed—twice now—and to push the envelope would only make Tony angry and cause him to shut down more than he already had. He picked up the pizza and the beer off the floor and walked down the stairs.

He had to get back to work.

xxx

Gibbs spent most of the night and on into the next morning in MTAC. It was nearing lunchtime by the time he reached their makeshift office and he looked around. Ziva and McGee were hard at work, each of them bent over their desks, each of them up to their elbows in information. A further glance around the room showed no sign of Tony. A quick glance at his desk led Gibbs to believe that it had been unoccupied since the day before—Tony's backpack was not even there.

"Where's DiNozzo?" he asked.

McGee and Ziva both looked up as though surprised that Tony was not there—as though they'd only just noticed. "We uh…well I don't know Boss," McGee said. "I guess I figured he was out on some assignment you'd given him or running an errand or something."

Ziva stared at Tony's desk. "Yes, but then again this is Tony, McGee," she said. "He probably had a dentist appointment." The dry comment was not lost on any of the agents. Every one of them remembered the frequent trips to the "dentist" that Tony had made while he was working undercover to investigate The Frog when Jenny was Director.

"Not funny David," Gibbs said. "I didn't send him anywhere, and Vance and Jarvis would have told me if they'd sent him somewhere. Every agent is to be accounted for right now—there's too much going on for anyone to be left unaccounted for."

He picked up the phone and dialed. He frowned when he got a different recording on the voicemail than normal. Instead of his usual, cheerful "You have reached Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo's phone. Leave your name, number and a detailed message and I'll call you back!" there was a canned, female, pre-recorded voice on the line instead. "Anthony. DiNozzo. Is not available. At the tone. Please leave your message."

Gibbs frowned. "Call me DiNozzo," he snapped into the phone before slamming it down.

"Boss?" McGee asked.

"I'm going to DiNozzo's. If he shows up here you call me," Gibbs snapped, picking up his keys and heading for the door.

xxx

Gibbs drove across town like a mad man. If he wasn't worried enough last night, this morning Tony had to not show up for work. He squealed his tires as he pulled into Tony's parking lot and frowned when he saw Tony's car still in the lot. He used his key and raced into the building. He hauled himself up the four flights of stairs, his aching knees protesting every step of the way, and he stopped at Tony's door.

He knocked, but it was a technicality. There was no sound coming from inside the apartment. Gibbs shoved his key into the lock and pushed on the door. The door, unlike last night, gave way this time, the locks had been slid out of their place sometime during the night, giving the ability for someone with a key to get inside.

Gibbs' gut tightened even more as he realized this. He remembered Tony's soft words the day he'd given Gibbs the key to his place…

"I… just…feel better knowing someone can get to me in the house if something were to happen."

"Tony?" he called. "DiNozzo are you here? Tony?"

The kitchen was dark. The living room had no lights on. Everything was cleaned up and in its place—the apartment looked like it could be set for a viewing. Gibbs narrowed his eyes and headed for the hallway. The bathroom was dark and quiet, the spare bedroom had no one in it, and that only left…

Gibbs knocked lightly on Tony's bedroom door. "Tony?" he called softly. "It's Gibbs…are you here?" There was no answer, so Gibbs turned the knob and pushed the door open slightly.

Tony was sitting in the middle of his bed, knees drawn up to his chest, head resting on crossed arms. He was naked, but Gibbs knew from overnight missions that Tony often slept without any clothes on. The young man was shivering, and was quite obviously very upset.

"Oh Tony," Gibbs breathed softly. He rushed to the young man's side, concern washing over him likes waves on the beach. He realized that he loved this man like a son—they were as close to family as two unrelated people could get—and in this time of fear, in this time of trial, he'd pushed Tony away, rather than drawing him close. And now…this…this was the result of it…this was his fault. He picked up a blanket and draped it over Tony's shoulders. He rubbed his back to warm him a bit, and only then did Tony look up at him.

He looked horrible. It was immediately obvious to Gibbs that Tony hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, and probably not the night after the explosion either. Tears tracked down his face, leaving trenches of sadness in his features, and his nose was running and his eyes were puffy. Tony did not "cry pretty" as he described it.

Gibbs reached out a hand, cupping the young man's face gently, unable to keep from touching him. "Talk to me Tony," he pleaded. "Please son…tell me what's wrong…talk to me."

A new batch of tears started fresh then, a fresh round of sobs shook Tony's frame and he lowered his head back onto his arms. Gibbs hugged him as well as he could given the awkward angle. He ran a soothing hand repeatedly over Tony's back and shoulders, silently willing him to talk.

It took a few minutes, but finally Tony managed to pull himself together enough to begin speaking softly.

"My…my father called," Tony whispered, his voice hoarse from crying so much. He sounded to resigned, so…so tired. Gibbs felt his concern double.

"That was nice of him," Gibbs said, trying to offer a measure of comfort to the younger man.

It didn't work.

Tony snorted and pulled away, dropping his head back onto his arms with a thump. "He didn't call to check on me Gibbs," Tony said with a sad chuckle. "He called to ask if he could borrow money."

Gibbs blinked. "You mean…he didn't even ask if you were alright?" Anger washed over him.

"No," Tony whispered sadly. "But then," he shrugged and the resigned, blank expression returned to his features. "But then I guess I shouldn't be surprised," he mumbled. "No one else did either."

The words stung Gibbs to his very soul. Guilt replaced the anger, though it was still simmering in the background, because dammit he wasn't the only person Tony worked with.

"Oh Tony," Gibbs said softly. "I don't…I mean…I screwed up. The other night. I should have called. Intended to call. I know it's empty words now, but…" oh he was making a tremendous mess of this.

Tony shrugged. "Heard you got McGee all situated with the EMTs," he said softly. "He needed you Boss. You were there for him. That's good. It's where you shoulda been. The rest of us…we were ok."

"But I should have made sure of that. And I wasn't…" he sighed. "I wasn't at the hospital all night. I headed home as soon as Tim was out of surgery. Abby had called to tell me she'd spoken with both of you—I was at the Yard until I heard you two had gotten out of the elevator safely—and Abby told me that you were both fine. Then Fornell showed up and we started making plans about…well it doesn't matter. I screwed up Tony. I should have been over here first thing, making sure you were ok."

"It doesn't matter Gibbs," Tony whispered. He looked at the clock. "Oh shit…I didn't realize it was so late! It's…" he stopped, turned, and looked at Gibbs. "That's why you're here," he said softly. "Because I'm not at work."

"Tony…"

"Go on back to the Yard Gibbs. I'm sure they need you there, now that you've woken up your worthless agent. I'm just going to grab a quick shower, and then I'll head that way."

"Tony we need to talk."

Tony looked at him sharply. "NOW you want to talk? NOW? Really?"

"I wanted to talk last night but you wouldn't let me into your apartment. I've been…concerned…ever since the explosion. You haven't seemed yourself. Others have noticed it too. We're worried about you."

"Why? I've been doing my job. Pulling my weight. I haven't even missed a beat—hell the only time I've missed was when I was stuck in the damn elevator to start with! No need to worry about Tony! I'm fine!"

And that told Gibbs exactly what he wanted to know.

Tony was not fine.

"Just go," Tony whispered. "I'll be there as soon as I get ready. Sorry you drove all the way over here. You coulda just called."

"I did call Tony. We all called. Several times. We're worried about you. Did you get hurt when the building exploded? What's going on?"

"It's…I'm…I'm fine," Tony said again, helplessness creeping into his tone.

Gibbs shook his head. "Not buying it," he said. "Something happened to you between the time you got on that elevator to go downstairs—which we will be discussing—and the time you got the phone call from your dad. Now. What. Happened?"

"I just…" Tony looked at him bleakly. "I just…had some time…to think. Is all."

Gibbs narrowed his eyes slightly, knowing full well that it wasn't good for Tony to have time like that on his hands. "What'd you think about?"

"Nothin important," Tony shrugged. "You ever wonder…you ever wonder what your funeral will be like, Boss?"

Gibbs' gut tightened and he raised his eyebrows slightly. "Can't say that I give it too much thought, no," he said. "Why, have you thought about yours?"

"Yeah," Tony said with a nod. "It's pretty pitiful."

"Pitiful is not the word I would think of to describe your funeral," Gibbs said gently.

"I'd be the only one there," Tony whispered. "Nobody would come."

Gibbs' eyes widened. How could Tony even think such a thing? "Tony…why…how…I don't understand," he finally managed.

"It was made pretty obvious the other day," Tony mumbled softly.

"How…Tony what are you talking about?"

"Are you kidding me?" Tony turned an incredulous stare towards Gibbs. "You…you of all people…you have to ask me that?"

"Yes…Yes Tony I don't know what happened. Tell me. We'll make it right. But I gotta know what it is."

"You can't make it right," Tony whispered desperately, shaking his head. "You can't because it's done and it's over with and there's no way to change it. I should have expected it…but…well I guess I'd hoped things would be different."

"Tony," Gibbs knelt right in front of his boy, so he could look him in the eye. "Tony what happened?"

"If I died, no one would care. No one would even be slightly put off by it—the only problem it would cause is there'd be a vacant desk at NCIS with no one sitting at it getting the work done." Tony moved away from Gibbs and stood up. He walked over to the dresser and found a pair of pants and quickly pulled them on.

"My father wouldn't even notice that I was dead unless he got some money out of it—which he won't—or if he needed to call me for money and suddenly couldn't. My own fucking friends…if you can call them that…" he snorted softly. "They're so caught up in their own worlds…so caught up in trying to be the best and impress you the most…they would be happy to be free of the extra competition. They'd be happy to not have to listen to me make movie references anymore. They'd be happy to not hear my voice anymore."

Tony's head bowed sadly, and his shoulders were slumped. His back was turned towards Gibbs. The older man sat stunned at his agent's words. Before he could ask any questions, Tony answered the big unspoken question. "The other day? After the explosion? No one called me Boss. Ziva's dad called her from Israel. McGee's grandmother called him from a plane over Paris. Abby was in touch with her mother. I'm sure you called your dad, didn't you?" He glanced at Gibbs who nodded.

Palmer's with Ducky and they've got Breena with them. Everyone has someone, Boss. Everyone's covered. We were in a building that exploded. It exploded. It made international news. And not one soul called me. I'm not saying I wanted my phone to be ringing off the hook—you know I hate talking on the phone, Gibbs," he looked at Gibbs who nodded in agreement. "But…just…having someone call…anybody. No one called me. I could die in an international terrorist attack, and no one would care."

Tears filled his eyes again and he took a deep breath. "And I don't know…I don't know why…" his voice cracked. He raised his hands then dropped them helplessly. "I just don't know…" he put his head in his hands.

Gibbs took a chance and stepped towards Tony. He put his hands lightly on the younger man's shoulders, pleased when he didn't flinch away. "What don't you know Tony? Talk to me son, please…tell me…"

Tony looked up at Gibbs for a moment and then dropped his gaze again. "I don't know why all those people…the nice people…the ones who had families…the ones who had kids…I don't know why those people all died…" his voice dropped even more, "and I got to live. I should have died Gibbs. Those people shoulda been spared. They all…they all have people who are miserable without them. I don't know why I was spared. If I died, it'd be just another day. I don't think anybody would notice. I don't understand."

Tony's voice sounded oddly childlike, and Gibbs gasped in horror at the words his agent was speaking. He pulled Tony close, wrapping his arms around him, running a hand over the back of his head while the young man sniffled against his shoulder.

"Sometimes we don't have answers for questions like that," Gibbs said softly. "I know when…when my girls…died…I begged for days for answers to that question. Why them? Why not me? Why did I survive the explosion and they didn't survive a drive to the grocery store?" Tony was still against him now and Gibbs was sure Tony was listening.

"But you know what? I learned something. Somewhere along the way I met someone who was able to show me how to get up and start living again. Made me pull my head out of my ass and forced me to start caring for someone again, even though I had closed myself off…I wasn't going to love anyone again because I didn't want to hurt that bad. Do you know who that person is Tony?"

Tony lifted his head and looked at Gibbs for a long moment. He finally shook his head. He didn't know.

Gibbs put his hands back on Tony's shoulders. "It's you Tony. You're the one who taught me those things. And you're right, I can't go back and change what happened the other night. But I can tell you that I am sorry I didn't call you. Fornell showed up just as I was about to call you…it's no excuse though. The point is Tony, if something ever happened to you, a piece of me would die. You are important to me, and I would be devastated if something ever happened to you. You hear me?"

Tony shook his head and dropped his gaze. "I don't know," he said softly. "I want to believe you…"

"I know it's hard," Gibbs said gently. "And I've certainly not made it easier. But if you could…just try…try to trust me…Tony I'll earn your trust back. I promise. I'm sorry I let you down the other day."

Tony shoulders dropped a bit and he nodded, unsure of what else to do. "You shouldn't…you shouldn't worry about it," he whispered.

Gibbs pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open. He punched a couple of buttons and a moment later spoke into the phone. "Leon? Gibbs. I won't be back to the office today. Got someone who needs looking after."

There was a pause and Tony lifted his gaze again, eyeing Gibbs curiously. What was the older man up to?

"It's DiNozzo. He's alright…just needs to work through some stuff. We'll both be back to the office tomorrow." Gibbs glanced at Tony who nodded in agreement. He listened for a minute more, grunted out an agreement, then snapped the phone shut. He looked at Tony. "Now. We're off for the rest of today and tomorrow we go back in. There isn't much to do right now anyway until someone comes up with a lead on Dearings whereabouts."

"But you should be there…you could help find a lead," Tony protested.

"I could," Gibbs said gently, "but right now there are more important things to do."

Tony shook his head. "Gibbs what is more important than making sure we catch the sonofabitch who did this? He needs to fry for what he did! He…we should b—"

"He should. And he will. And we will be there for it. But for now, we need to get you showered and cleaned up, and then we're going to pack you a bag. You're coming to my house."

"If it's all the same to you, Boss, I'd rather stay here," Tony said uncomfortably.

Gibbs narrowed his eyes. "Not a choice DiNozzo. Bastard hurt my family. My first priority is making sure my family is ok. Then I will work on catching the bastard. There are agents working the case as we speak. If they get something, we'll go in. But you need to rest, and I need to know that you're going to be alright. Survivor's guilt is not something to mess with."

"I don't have survivor's guilt," Tony protested weakly.

"Sure ya do," Gibbs said. "You told me yourself, you don't know why you survived when those other people died. Survivor's guilt," he said matter-of-factly.

"It just doesn't make—" Tony broke off in a sudden yawn, "—make sense to me why they all died. They have families Gibbs—husbands and wives and kids and nieces and nephews and—"

"And do you not have brothers and sisters and fathers and a grandfather who would miss you if you died?" Gibbs cut him off. "Do you not think that this team—this family—would miss you if you died? Do you really think we don't give a shit about you?"

Tony was quiet for a long moment and Gibbs' gut tightened. Did Tony believe those things? Finally Tony let out a long breath. "Jesus," he breathed. "Oh God Gibbs…I didn't…I didn't think of it…I mean…we're…I..."

Gibbs took a step into Tony's space and eyed him with a glare. He reached out and headslapped Tony on the back of the head and the younger man flinched. Gibbs leaned in even closer—Tony could almost smell the coffee on Gibbs' breath. "Do you think I'd spend so much time worrying about you, chasing you around, and trying to convince you that we cared if we didn't? Have you ever known me to say something that I don't mean?" Gibbs' voice was quiet and dangerous.

Tony was quiet for a moment then it seemed to finally click and make sense for him. "Gibbs…Boss I'm sorry," he said softly—so softly that Gibbs nearly missed it.

Gibbs put his hand lightly on Tony's cheek. "I told you years ago that you were irreplaceable. I meant it then, and that was what, nine years ago?" When Tony nodded, Gibbs continued. "Then you know you've had years—hell, almost a decade—to make yourself even more irreplaceable than you were then. You're priceless to me Tony. You are like my own son—I couldn't…" he took a deep breath and looked Tony right in his eyes. "I couldn't love you more if you were related to me by blood."

Tony took a shuddery breath. His eyes glassed over with unshed tears, but he managed to blink them back. Gibbs raised his other hand to Tony's other cheek, cupping the man's face in his hands. "You are mine and I will always look after you and make sure you are ok. I'm sorry that this time it took me so long to get it done, but it wasn't because I didn't want to do it."

That seemed to be all it took. The dam burst then and quiet tears slid down Tony's face. He'd never really considered that he had somehow along the way been adopted into this twisted mess of a surrogate family. He'd always thought of the others as his family, but he had never given consideration to the concept that he was thought of as part of their families as well. He'd never realized that Gibbs…that Gibbs really meant it when he said that he cared, when he said he was irreplaceable.

Gibbs watched Tony's quiet tears and knew that he'd gotten through to him. He pulled Tony close, running his hand lightly over the back of his boy's head, and eventually guided him over to the bed. Tony cried and cried, clinging to Gibbs, letting go of years of hurt, years of rejection and neglect, and releasing the guilt he felt over surviving the blast that had taken so many lives. He was starting to understand that he was important, and more—that he was an equal, a valuable member of the family, who was loved and cared for by everyone in it.

Eventually Tony was spent and his sobs subsided, breaking off into ragged breaths that eventually calmed into light breaths. He didn't speak for a long time, and Gibbs eventually craned his neck to see Tony's face.

Tony was sound asleep, head on Gibbs' shoulder. His fingers were still twisted into the older man's shirt. His breaths were deep and even now. It seemed he was finally getting some rest. Gibbs knew that Tony would be more comfortable if he laid down, so he very carefully eased Tony down onto the bed, taking extra care not to wake him. Gibbs knew from years of experience that Tony was a very light sleeper. He pulled a sheet up over Tony's shoulder and headed for the coffee pot, determined not to leave the young man.

xxx

It took some time for Tony to truly, completely overcome the guilt he felt for surviving in the face of so much tragedy. But recover, he did, and soon was back to work, aiding in the investigation to find Harper Dearing and bringing him to justice—making him pay for all the hurt he caused NCIS, the FBI, and the families of all of the victims—including his own family. There were so many people that wanted, needed justice to be done.

One Thursday morning, Gibbs entered the bullpen quietly. Tony's gut immediately tightened when he saw the way his boss was dressed. Jeans and a jacket replaced his usual khakis and polo, and he carried a backpack in place of his usual pack.

"Boss?" Tony asked softly. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit… When Gibbs looked up at him, he spoke softly. "What are ya doin'?"

Gibbs looked at him patiently and gave him a sad smile. Tony knew right then and there what he was planning to do. He reached into his desk to grab his sidearm, but Gibbs put a hand up to stop him.

"Boss…" Tony tried again. "Don't do this Boss. Let one of us—all of us—go with you. You need someone to watch your six." He'd resort to begging if he had to. He stood up and walked over to the place where Gibbs was carefully placing items in his backpack. GPS tracker, map, cell phone charger…

"I've already cleared this with Director Vance," Gibbs said softly. "You all will stay here."

"Boss," Tony tried again.

"Are you questioning me, DiNozzo?" Gibbs leveled a stare in Tony's direction.

Tony watched him for a long moment, wanting to stomp his feet like a toddler, throw a tantrum like a child would. No Gibbs…I finally got a father-figure…please don't do this, don't go without us, don't leave without anyone to watch your six. "I just um…" he cleared his throat, "who's going to watch your six, Boss?"

Gibbs gave him that sad little smile again. "This time I am," he said softly. He picked up his now-loaded backpack and slung it over a shoulder. He looked at Tony, easily reading all of the things the young man was not vocalizing on his face. All of the things Gibbs wanted to say but would never be able to were racing through his head. It's going to be alright Tony. And if I don't make it back I know you are strong enough to take care of them.

"Boss don't do this," Tony pleaded.

Gibbs stepped into Tony's personal space and stared right into his eyes, willing the younger man to know what he was thinking. He put a gentle hand to Tony's cheek and half smiled at him. "Remember what I told you," he said softly.

Tony bit his lower lip and his eyes became slightly glassy. He swallowed hard once, twice, three times, then nodded. "I will," he croaked.

Gibbs nodded and gave the cheek a light pat. "Attaboy," he said.

Turning and walking towards the elevator, Gibbs stopped and glanced back. The three young agents were standing where he'd left them, staring after him, watching his every move. Wishing he could promise each of them that this would end well, Gibbs took a deep breath. He offered up a confident smile, and he nodded once. "Take care of each other," he said. When they nodded, Gibbs turned and headed for the elevator.

He didn't look back.

xxx

Hours later, Tony sat at his desk. He wasn't working on anything, wasn't looking at anything, wasn't doing anything. He was sitting at his desk, head propped up on one hand, staring at the elevator doors. It was well after dark now, and most everyone was gone. Ziva and McGee had left a couple of hours earlier. There was nothing to do while they waited for Gibbs to report in, so they'd opted to go to the gym and then grab a bite to eat. Tony promised to call if he heard anything.

Now though, he wished he was not alone. Abby had gone to Ducky's house, so the older man wouldn't have to wait by himself, and Jimmy was at home with Breena. Everyone had invited him along, but something felt…wrong…about leaving while they didn't know about Gibbs' status. Tony wanted to be there in case Gibbs needed him. This was as "on his six" as he could be, and he was very content to maintain his position until he heard something. But if the news they did finally hear was bad…well Tony didn't know what he'd do.

The hours ticked by, afternoon bleeding into evening, into nightfall. Director Vance had finally divulged the location of the house where they believed Harper Dearing was hiding. It was a few hours to the north, almost to the Pennsylvania state line. Director Vance said the location of the house was pretty remote, so cell phone signal would be iffy.

It all came down to quite a bit of bad information that, when combined, did nothing to ease Tony's nerves. He tapped his pen on the desk, tapped his fingers on his head, chewed on the pen cap and lightly drummed his fingers on the desk. He drank coffee like an addict, refused food, refused entertainment, refused anything that might potentially distract him from the moment news about Gibbs came in. He didn't notice when, between one moment and the next, he drifted into a light doze.

A hand lightly shaking his shoulder jarred him into wakefulness. "…with me Tony?"

Tony blinked and looked at Gibbs, standing there beside his desk. "BOSS!" he leapt to his feet. "Boss are you ok? Are you hurt? Did he—"

"I'm ok DiNozzo," he said softly. "What are ya still doin' here? Should be at home in bed. Nearly 3am."

"Hadda wait for you…for news on you," Tony said softly. "I…I couldn't leave."

Gibbs smiled and ruffled Tony's hair gently. "Let's go DiNozzo."

"Boss what happened with Dearing?" He yawned deeply.

Gibbs took a sip of coffee. He was still wide awake, running on adrenaline. Tony on the other hand, was looking tired and pretty sleepy. It wouldn't take much to direct him towards his pickup truck. He clapped a hand on Tony's shoulder. "C'mon DiNozzo. I'll tell ya all about it on the way home."

Tony stopped and blinked owlishly at him. "Home Boss?"

Gibbs smiled and nodded. "Been a long day Tony. Feel like I need my family close tonight. Need my son with me."

Tony smiled and picked up his backpack. "Everybody left," he said softly. "They were all waiting to hear about you…but they didn't want to wait here. I…I couldn't leave. I had to wait here."

Gibbs smiled. "It's alright Tony. You were on my six. Just like I knew you would be."

Tony smiled. They rode the elevator down to the parking deck and got in the truck. Gibbs inserted the key and switched it on and turned on his headlights. The clock on the dash said that it was just past 3am. As he backed out of the parking space, a rumbling sound caught his attention and he looked at Tony's stomach.

Tony slapped a hand over his stomach and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry Boss. Didn't uh…couldn't eat. Was um…" he looked down.

"I know," Gibbs said with an understanding nod. "C'mon. I have some steaks in the fridge. We'll make a fire and have dinner."

"Closer to breakfast now," Tony said with a tired smile.

Gibbs chuckled. "I'll make you an egg with your steak if you want it," he said.

"Steak's good Boss."

Tony listened with rapt attention during the ride as Gibbs told him about what had gone down at Harper Dearing's house. He forced down a shudder when Gibbs told him how close it had come to him dying…too close.

While Gibbs flipped the steaks and doused them with beer over the fire Tony settled back on the couch. It was comfortable here, familiar…Tony smiled in the lamp lit room. He was home.

"Got a question Boss," Tony said, yawning again. Gibbs was beginning to wonder if Tony would be awake by the time the steaks were done.

"What's that Tony?"

"Why didn't you let us go with you today, Boss? I mean I know you could relate to Dearing and you knew you could get him to talk. But…you were all alone. There was no one watching your back. You said yourself that it was a close call for you to even get out alive. Why take that risk?"

Gibbs sat back on his heels, the steaks momentarily forgotten. "That's easy," he said softly.

Tony leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "Why?" he asked again. "Didn't you trust us to let you handle it?"

"Oh Tony it was never about me not trusting you. Of course I trust you. I didn't trust Dearing. And I couldn't…" he trailed off, shaking his head.

"You couldn't what, Boss?"

"You've all been through so much. You all worked so hard to come back after the explosion, to get your feet under you again. Dearing had already hurt you all so much. Especially…" Gibbs swallowed hard. "Especially you. He'd taken so much and done so much damage. I couldn't stand the thought that he might…" Gibbs ran shaking hands over the legs of his jeans. "That he might hurt you too," he finally whispered.

Tony slid off the couch and walked on his knees over to where Gibbs was sitting. He sat facing him for a moment, then reached out quick as a flash and whacked Gibbs right over the back of the head. Gibbs grunted in surprise and raised a hand to the back of his head.

"Family goes two ways Boss. We're all in this together. The waiting? The not knowing how things were going…the not knowing if you were…if you were alive or dead…Gibbs it was awful. I can't do that again. Next time…because there's always a next time…next time we're together. We go together. We have to."

Gibbs was silent for a long moment, but could understand what Tony was saying. They were family, and no one would leave the others behind. They needed each other. They had to watch each other's sixes and keep each other alive.

Finally he picked up his beer bottle and held it up. Tony watched him for a moment, smiled, then grabbed his own beer bottle. "Family," Gibbs said softly. "We're in this together." Tony nodded.

The sound of glass clinking sealed their promise. They really were better together.

The End