Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, neither do I know anything about them.
Metal Gear Plasma: A Trip to the Past from the Future into the Present
Solid Snake moved through the underbrush like some sort of serpentine-type creature – this is to say it was both smooth and sneaky. Because he was a smooth and sneaky sort of guy.
He remembered like it was just yesterday, even though it was the day before yesterday at least since he got the orders. He thought back to those few, happy moments he had had before he had to depart on his current, and also badass, mission.
Herein begins the First Part of the Flash Back of Solid Snake.
"Oh, Snake," said Eva, "Though I am now old I was once young and beautiful. Ravish me, and swear while you do it, so as to seem as gritty as you are. It shall remind me of my youth, when I routinely had sex with spies."
"Shit" said Snake as he ravished Eva. "Damn."
"Oh, Snake," she cooed. "I shall think of this later, while I read my current issue of the AARP magazine."
"Hell," said Snake, as he finished his ravishing.
Suddenly his codec went off! He answered it, "Hello this is Solid Snake, whom may I ask is calling?"
"It is I, Otacon!" answered Otacon. "You may recall that this is the name that we use between ourselves as I am a fan of both anime and manga, and on occation I have been known to go to anime conventions."
"Yes," answered Snake. "Yes I do recall this. What is it that you need, Mr. Otacon?"
"It's the Metal Gears!" said Otacon. "They're back!"
"Oh no," cried Eva, "not the Metal Gears! Quickly, Snake, do me now as surely we shall not live to see another day!"
"Snake," said Otacon via his codec, "have I called at an inopportune time?"
"That," answered Snake, "Is just Eva."
"Oh, Eva," said Otacon. "She get that thing cleared up?"
Eva tried to look nonchalant.
"Thing?" asked Snake to both Eva and also Otacon.
"Anyway you were saying something about Metal Gears?" said Eva.
"Oh yes! Snake, they're back! From the past!"
"Time traveling!"
"Yes, the French have perfected time traveling and the Metal Gears are sneaking into our reality using Le Portail de Dix Mille Âmes Orphelin. Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to assassinate the French President, steal the secret codes off of his person, which he is rumored to keep hidden in his very fine toupee and deactivate the portal, thus saving our world."
"I have always hated the French," said Solid Snake, a man who had always hated the French. "I will relish and also enjoy this current task."
Herein ends the First Part of the Flash Back of Solid Snake.
And so there he lay, in wait, waiting for the exclamation points to go away from the guards heads so he could sneak into the Prime Minister's house and kill him and also steal the secret codes from his very fine toupee.
Suddenly, without Snake realizing it, the plot flashed forward.
Herein begins the First Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
"Ocelot!" cried Snake. "It was you all along! You were the French Prime Minister! And also the man at the hotdog stand, and the elderly woman I helped cross the street, as well as the Austrian President's bodyguard who looked at me funny! The entire time!"
"Yes!" said Ocelot, "That was I."
"All of the gun twirling that old lady did should have given it away!"
"I was very surprised you didn't notice that, it was rather obvious."
"But why?" asked Snake dramatically.
"Metal Gears from the future were brought to the past so that in the present we could use them to totally control the entire world!" He hugged the Metal Gear he was standing next to. "I love Metal Gears!"
"Oh, cruel fate, to have been treated so poorly as this! Ruin! It is our undoing! Woe betide us all! Woe! Also: damn and shit, I am gritty!"
Herein ends the First Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
Herein begins the Second Part of the Flash Back of Solid Snake.
Snake took a long drag off of his cigarette. There was something odd about that nice little old lady whom he had helped across the street, but what it was seemed to elude him. No matter, for he was here, in Paris.
Suddenly a Russian dropped down from the building in front of him! Oh no! Russians in France? What was this? "Snake!" said the Russian, "I am your father!"
"No!" cried Snake, "My father is dead! He died in that terrible combine accident when I was 5!"
"No, Snake," said the Russian father-figure, "I am your father. The combine accident was all a ruse! I have been a spy for the Russians since that fateful day!"
"No! No! That's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings! You know it to be true!"
"No! No!" cried Snake, and then he shot him many times in a boss fight. It was very epic. Snake smoked several cigarettes afterward, because he's badass like that.
Herein ends the Second Part of the Flash Back of Solid Snake
Herein beings the Second Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake
"Big Boss!" cried Snake, "It was really you all along!"
"Yes," said Big Boss. "I was the one who was pretending to be Ocelot this entire time!"
"This is unbelievable!" cried Snake. "I cannot believe it, this is beyond belief!"
"And yet here it is! You must believe it, for verily, I do stand before you in all of my Big Bossiness and," suddenly the man doubled over. "O! TH' PAIN! TH' PAIN!"
Snake watched in horror as Metal Gear Puce moved over to Big Boss, seemingly of its own accord.
Big Boss fell to the ground, "While I still have some semblance of my self left to me I must confess a thing to you! Several years ago I had stomach cancer!"
"Oh no, that's often fatal!" said Snake, sounding concerned. "Damn!" he said, gritily.
"I had a new stomach installed! The donor was!..."
Herein ends the Second Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
The exclamation points from the guards heads were all gone. He felt it was safe to sneak out now. Quickly fashioning a cardboard box out of leaves and a frog he had eaten most of earlier, he shuffled out into the terrace. Nobody seemed to notice at all the box as it slowly made its way towards the house.
Snake's codec went off. Fortunately, cardboard is also a perfect sound insulator. "Snake it is I, Otacon!"
"What is it, Otacon? Some important piece of information, pertinent to my current mission? A sale on non-filtered Pall Malls?"
"Even better!" said Otacon. "I just got Beautiful Valkyrie Meter Maid Penepene-chan volumes one through five on DVD! For only forty-five dollars!"
"Wow," said Snake, that's a deal!"
Herein begins the Third Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
"Plasma Snake!" cried Solid Snake. "I was unaware that there was even such a person!"
"Let this be a lesson to you, Solid Snake," said Plasma Snake, " There are more things in heaven and earth, Solid, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
"You were secretly the President of the United States this entire time!"
"Yes!" laughed Plasma, "the only thing keeping me from my ultimate goals were the Supreme Court Justices – only they held the passkeys that would allow me to infiltrate Big Boss's super computer and feed the French my plans for a time portal that would summon Metal Gears from the future into the past so that we could use them now, in the present!"
"Were you aware at the time of Big Boss's condition?"
"Of course!" he laughed manically, "for I have an IQ of 472! Almost double that of our other brother, whose stomach was placed inside of Big Boss so as to facilitate all of my plans! Yes, I plotted out even that, from the future, by traveling to the past, using Le Portail de Dix Mille Âmes Orphelin! The French thought they were inventing a new sort of baguette machine! Haha!"
Solid took a long drag on his cigarette. "Damn," he said. "It looks like it's going to take all of my skills and also these Beautiful Valkyrie Meter Maid Penepene-chan DVDs that Otacon sent me – they contain the secret codes to deactivate Metal Gear Puce and Metal Gear Vermillion."
"No!" cried Plasma Snake who was also the President of the United States. "Not anime! My one weakness!"
Herein ends the Third Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
Snake kept sneakily sneaking up to the French President's house in his box of non-detection. He entered the house when suddenly he saw Eva! But youthful and young! She must have traveled from the past via Le Portail de Dix Mille Âmes Orphelin!
Herein begins the Fourth Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
"Ocelot!" cried Solid Snake, as his health meter flashed dangerously low. "Where did you come from?"
"I've been here all along," he said, twirling his guns. "Big Boss pretending to be me forgot about the real Ocelot! I was the bush you hid behind after you killed the French President! And I appear here, at the end of the boss fight, to help you fight the boss, since you are so low on health that the screen is making warning sounds at you."
"You would put aside our differences to help me defeat the end boss?" Solid said, tears in his manly eyes.
"Yes. It has always been a fond dream of mine to kill the President of the United States while he was using a Metal Gear. And now I can finally fulfill this great desire. Also since your other brother is currently busy in Big Boss's stomach, I don't have to worry about flipping out at the end and turning out to be the real, actual end boss. Probably!"
"That sounds reasonable to me!" said Snake.
Herein ends the Fourth Part of the Flash Forward of Solid Snake.
"Oh, you're so manly, with your headband and your mullet and your manly stubble," said young Eva. "Ravish me. I bet you have great abs."
And so Solid Snake took his shirt off and he totally did have great abs. Had you taken a potato to them the end result would have been hash browns, so ripped were they. Also his pecs were totally hot. He ravished Eva, who since she was young and not old, did not remind Snake at all of his grandmother. Also her boobs were pretty hot, too. It was totally hot. Snake swore some, like, "Damn, and shit," while they were doing it. Because he's manly and gritty like that.
"I hope," said Snake, after they finished, "I'm not the reason why you have that thing in the present."
"What?" asked young Eva.
Snake tried to look nonchalant. "Hey, wasn't I here to do something about Metal Gears?"
THE END.