Ian woke in the middle of the night to the familiar sound of the whirring, whistling landing of the TARDIS. For a moment, he allowed himself to fall into the delusion that whatever dream had conjured the sound in his subconscious was real. It'd been years since he'd heard the sound for real but it visited him often in his dreams.
But he couldn't hold onto it forever. Eventually, wakefulness reminded of the here and now. And the here and now was him in his bed, cold and with a pounding head. Barbara lay in the bed next to him, rolled up completely in all of the blankets, her back to him. She had not been happy when he'd half walked, half stumbled into the doorway that night. He'd really not had that much to drink but Barbara seemed to think that he was beginning to develop a problem. Ian thought she was exaggerating and worrying too much; thus, a terrible row had ensued and she had gone to bed mad. When he'd come to bed and tried to hold her, she had thrown off his advances for one of the first times ever; he'd fallen asleep feeling sick and miserable. He was beginning to think that a terrible hangover would be the least of his worries come morning.
Thinking he'd heard the TARDIS brought to the forefront of his mind the restlessness that had started his drinking earlier. He loved his life, really he did. He loved teaching, he loved living in England again and he loved Barbara more than she could possibly know. It should have been enough…But that didn't stop Ian from having that terrible, nagging feeling of loss. Somedays were bad days, days where everything felt pointless and futile. Existing in one time could be so frustrating after having fought Daleks, meeting Marco Polo, and being part of Aztec culture. He just couldn't help but feel that he needed more. But what that 'more' entailed, he had no idea. He felt a bit like he was losing it sometimes; he'd been unhappy at times traveling with the Doctor and now he was unhappy at times without it. He'd tried to talk to Barbara about it. As far as he knew, they were the only two people who could possibly understand how each other felt; they were the only ones who felt the hole the Doctor's life left behind. But he had quickly found out that Barbara didn't feel that lasting loss. She was completely happy on Earth now; she'd adjusted well. If given the chance to go back and travel on the TARDIS again, she wouldn't choose it. Ian wasn't so sure. His feelings on the matter were so mixed up that at times alcohol was the only answer to the swirling feelings inside him.
Ian was awake now and feeling restless. Giving Barbra one last glance that made him feel a pit in his stomach, Ian got out of bed and walked downstairs in search of something to help deaden the aching in his head. When Ian walked into the kitchen and saw the outline of a blue police box in the faint moonlight pouring through the window, he truly began to doubt his sanity.
Ian jumped back, muttering a rare curse at the sight of the familiar grey haired alien as he stepped out of the TARDIS. Ian let himself fall backward into one of the kitchen chairs, his head spinning. Dear lord, he really must have pushed his limits tonight! He thought now, with the aching head of a hangover, that he was sobering up, but his eyes were making him think otherwise. Either he'd had far too much or he was completely hallucinating. It was bad enough how often the Doctor cropped up in his dreams, grand memories of times long past, but if was going to start seeing things now, he really had lost it completely.
"Chesterton! Is that you?" the image of the Doctor asked. Ian felt his legs balk and was glad that he hadn't tried to pick himself up out of the chair yet. Not only was he hallucinating but his hallucination was talking to him!
"This isn't happening…..you aren't real" Ian muttered under his breath, not looking at the Doctor for the hope that he'd go away if he didn't look at him.
"Of course I'm real" the Doctor said with a chuckle. "I'm used to people thinking I'm not real but not you, Chesterton. Come now, after all we've been through?"
Ian still refused to look at the Doctor; when he felt a hand on his shoulder, he was forced to look up and accept that this image that could only be fiction was actually real.
"You look a bit pale; are you well, my boy?" the Doctor asked, looking at Ian with some concern. Maybe that concern was warranted….
"What are you doing here, Doctor?" Ian asked, disbelief coming over him. As many times as he had thought that he wished he could see the Doctor again and it was actually happening?
"Well, I must confess I don't know" the Doctor said with a slight smile, hands on his lapels as he paced around the kitchen, taking in Ian's home. "Maybe the TARDIS missed you. Out of all of the places that I could have landed, I must confess I'm stunned that it happened to be in your flat!"
The Doctor seemed highly amused about the whole thing but Ian was still trying to wrap his mind around it all. "I can't believe you're here…..really here" Ian said in disbelief.
"How long has it been for you? Since we last parted ways?" the Doctor asked, turning toward Ian at his disbelieved tone. He had a hard time seeing why Ian was so flustered and amazed. Ian didn't know how he did; out of all of time and space and they were suddenly thrown back together again….It was a sign, it had to be. Maybe the universe was giving Ian a second chance.
"Five years" Ian said. They'd been good years but they were tough too; he'd had a long learning curve after his time traveling days.
"Well, as you humans say…time flies" the Doctor said with a laugh. "Five years back on earth…so, what have you been doing all of this time?"
There was something warm and happy spreading its way through Ian's chest. It almost seemed as if it hadn't been years since they'd been together; it was like they were just having a normal chat. Ian didn't want to express how happy it made him feel.
"Teaching" Ian said with a nod. "Obviously, my position at Coal Hill was long filled after my…..absence…..but I got a job teaching biology at another high school nearby."
"Ah, well…..I'm sure that you enjoy it, despite the fact that it wasn't your first choice of schools. Am I right?" the Doctor asked.
"Yes, I enjoy it very much" Ian said, surprised by how fond he suddenly did feel about his teenage students. They could really give him trouble every day but seeing them learn was an experience like no other.
The Doctor nodded and then hesitated for a moment. "And Barbara?" he asked. He sounded upbeat but Ian could tell that he thought after five years they might have split up. Or, heaven forbid, something might have happened to her.
"Oh, she's doing great" Ian said quickly, "She's teaching history, just a couple doors down the hallway from me. We're been married almost four years now"
The Doctor smiled, his eyes twinkling with delight. "I knew you two would come together, no matter how you tried to deny it when you were on my TARDIS." He said good- naturedly.
Ian could help but laugh. He and Barbara had only been friends when they were trapped on the TARDIS but over their travels something greater had grown; after they'd been left on Earth again, it was undeniable the chemistry they had. After they stopped long enough, after they weren't being chased by killer aliens, they could admit how much they cared for each other.
"Yes…..I'm glad we finally gave in to it" Ian said, coloring at the thought of it but feeling a sick kick to the stomach at the thought of how upset Barbara was at him.
"And are there…dare I ask? Little Ians or Barbaras?" the Doctor asked with a happy, grandfather-like twinkle in his eye.
Ian felt a kick to his stomach. It was an ever growing familiar question these days; people were naturally curious. When are you going to have kids? You kids going to start a family soon? Think a visit from the stork will be happening any time now? Ian was still hopeful but there was beginning to be planted a seed of doubt in Ian's mind that it was going to happen. He and Barbara hadn't been doing anything to prevent pregnancy for almost two years now. Ian didn't want to panic but he knew Barbara was getting discouraged.
Ian forced a smile like he always did when people asked that question. "Not yet. But we want kids so, you know…..one day" he said as upbeat as he could.
The Doctor nodded with a smile but there was a fraction of doubt in his eyes. "So, you're doing alright, Chesterton?" he asked.
Ian felt an unjustified wave of emotion at the question. Was he doing alright? No, he wasn't. Did he tell anyone that? No. How could he tell anyone about the sadness and forlornness that he felt without sounding ungrateful for the good things he had? He couldn't even tell Barbara anymore, the one person he should be able to share with. The Doctor asked like he genuinely wanted to know, like he was giving Ian the chance to talk if he needed it but also the chance to stay quiet. After all of the complaining he'd done aboard the TARDIS about wanting to come home, how could he tell the Doctor he still wanted to travel with him sometimes?
So Ian did what he was used to doing most of his life. He put a smile on his face and said, "What have you been up to, Doctor?"
The Doctor smiled. "Same thing as always" he said with a small laugh. "Landed aboard a space ark and met a crazed Toymaker. Had a bit of trouble having a tooth pulled and it turned out the surgeon was Doc Holiday!"
The Doctor laughed gently to himself and Ian couldn't help but smile at the wild sentence that was not out of the ordinary for the Doctor. "You know, just the usual" the Doctor laughed.
"Sounds like the usual for you" Ian said, wishing he might have been on some of those adventures. "You still with Vicki?"
Ian knew it was a dangerous question; people could come and go for various reasons on the TARDIS. He saw a small hint of sadness passing over the Doctor's face before he recovered.
"I have new companions" he said, in way of dodging the question, "a young man named Steven and a lovely lady named Dodo"
"That's good" Ian said, smiling and nodding, not knowing if it was really good or not.
The Doctor smiled, seeming more genuine this time. "Yes, it is. We have just as many adventures as I shared you and Barbara." He said.
At the mention of his and Barbara's travels, Ian felt a wave of remorse and regret. He thought of all the great places they had been, the things they had seen…..he thought about how alive he felt then and before he knew what he was saying, he'd blurted out, "Take me with you again"
Ian was looking at the floor but when he looked up at the Doctor, he felt a rush of embarrassment at the sudden outburst. At first, the Doctor laughed gently, as if he thought it was a joke; Ian could see the moment that he realized it wasn't because his eyes took a note of pity.
"Ah, you don't mean that surely" the Doctor said, in a calming tone as if Ian was a child that was asking something he couldn't possibly understand. It didn't make Ian feel condescended but simply misunderstood.
"But I do" Ian said, quickly standing up and ignoring the accompanied head rush. "Don't you see? It's like you were meant to end up back here again. Please, let me come with you again."
Ian realized that it sounded silly but he didn't care. The first time he had traveled with the Doctor it had been against his will; this time he knew what it meant and he wanted it.
The Doctor gave him a sympathetic, sorry look. "No, my boy, you cannot travel with me" he said, sorrow and regret dripping with his words.
Ian tried to staunch the rush of guilt and rejection but it didn't work well. Putting yourself out there in any manner and being rejected could be humiliating. "Oh, well, that's alright. Bit silly of me to ask…" Ian said, trying and failing to smile and act nonchalant.
The Doctor looked equally embarrassed. "Let me explain, Chesterton" he said hurriedly. "I think you've gotten the wrong impression."
I got the right impression; you don't want me, Ian thought but it was so pathetic a thought that he didn't say it. He just waited for the Doctor to speak.
"This grand ship of mine, well, she has a mind of her own and she still won't listen to where I want her to do. I still can't control her. If you went with me there is no guarantee that you'd come back again" the Doctor explained.
"So?" Ian said humorlessly. Already the dream of traveling to unknown worlds and time periods he'd only read about was fading from his mind.
The Doctor gave Ian such a knowingly look he felt pierced. "Ian, Barbara doesn't want to come" he said, his voice controlled but with an edge that told Ian all that lay behind the words.
Ian felt sufficiently chastised even though the Doctor didn't voice it all. The Doctor never called Ian by his name, choosing instead to call him Chesterton, my boy, or most annoyingly, Chatterton so he knew it was serious. The words 'Barbara doesn't want to come' translated secretly to, "If you come, you will be leaving Barbara. You can't do that."
"You're…..you're right" Ian said, feeling a wave of shame that he had even for a moment considered leaving Barbara. To even think that proved he didn't deserve her.
Ian was looking down at the floor but when the Doctor put his hands on Ian's arms he was forced to look at him. The Doctor was looking at him with fatherly affection Ian felt he didn't deserve.
"I know that allure of time and space can get in the eyes; no one knows that more than me" the Doctor explained to him. "But when it does it makes you see things other ways than they really are. I'm not saying no to you because I don't want you there; I'd be delighted to have you back. I'm saying no because you already have the most important adventure ahead of you"
Ian frowned. "I do?" he asked.
The Doctor smiled with his characteristic twinkle in his eyes. "Yes" he said, "You have the love and affection of a wonderful woman. You have Barbara; don't underestimate that. I know that the restlessness gets to you; that's okay. But don't let it take away from what you have. The traveling is special but the people matter more; always the people. Stay here and see what you and Barbara can discover together. Stay here and make babies; adopt some babies. There are plenty of lost little souls that would be lucky to have you as a father. Be the kind of teacher that your students need; one to make them believe in learning and in themselves. Travel; discover what your own world has to offer. There is so much out there for you, Ian. You just have to find it."
Ian couldn't help but smile; this time a genuine. "You're right. Of course you're right Doctor" he said sincerely.
"I'm always right, my boy" the Doctor joked before seeming serious again. "And another thing, Ian; it's okay to be sad. You don't always have to be happy; let people help you. Don't let it drown you."
Ian felt a lump in his throat but he smiled nonetheless. The Doctor simply knew too much for his own good and Ian was grateful for it. "Thank you, Doctor. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Sure you can't stay for a while?" he joked.
The Doctor laughed. "Ah, you know me too well for that"
…..
The sun was beginning to rise as Ian walked back into the bedroom and he could see Barbara's outline on the bed in the faint pink light. She was lying on her back and he could see her face, drawn and worried and felt a twinge of regret. Bolstered by the Doctor's words and his worries that things would get worse rather than better, Ian slid into bed next to Barbara. Carefully, Ian pulled Barbara towards him, kissing her deeply. It felt good; it felt renewing and made him feel alive. After a minuet, he could feel Barbara stir underneath him; for a second she jumped, surprised. A moment later, her arms were wrapped around him, kissing him back.
Ian let himself get lost in the sensation of warmth and affection, letting it all spill out into his actions toward Barbara. She matched his fever, kissing him back with heat and quickness even as Ian felt silent tears falling down her face. Reluctantly, Ian broke the kiss, leaning over her so he could look at her.
"I'm sorry, Barbara" Ian whispered in his most calm voice, brushing away her tears with his thumb. "I'm so sorry; I love you so much. I've been acting horribly to you and I don't have any excuse."
Barbara sniffled, putting her hand on Ian's face. "I don't want to lose you" she whispered, fear making her voice quiet.
"I'm not going anywhere" Ian said sincerely. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he knew he had to say but didn't want to.
"But you were right, Barbara. I do think I need some help. Can you help me?" Ian managed to spill out, quickly before he lost his nerve.
Ian held his breath, worrying, until Barbara leaned over and kissed him again. When she pulled back she was smiling at him and he relaxed.
"Of course. I'm not going anywhere."