Nakuru Unleashed!
Summary: Akizuki Nakuru goes on a job search.
Rating: PG-13 or "T", language. Mainly. smile
Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura, and am not a member of CLAMP. Though I can see how you might get confused. wink
Notes: Yeah, later I realized that Hiiragizawa moves back to England after the series. For our purposes, I guess we'll just pretend he didn't. sweatdrop
For some reason, I love the 'taser' idea... I mention this 'cos if I don't, probably nobody will notice it, and I think it's hilarious, so... sweatdrop
No offense meant to vocational colleges. I'm getting an AA degree myself, and I know there aren't any actual coal mine certificates. Oh yeah, I'm not denigrating them, either. All for the sake of humor. (You actually do have to say this kind of thing...)
(---)
Nakuru sighed.
"WHAT is the matter, Nakuru?" Spinel Sun asked testily.
"What? Why should you think something's the matter?" Nakuru pretended innocence.
"Because. You are sighing-- with a loudness, may I add, that makes any prospect of true sincerity dubious at best-- at an average of seventeen times a minute. I would therefore conclude that you are attempting to get my attention."
"...And it's about damn time you GAVE it to me, too."
It was Spinel's turn to sigh. "What is it, Nakuru?"
"Well, Souppy, I am just so bored right now!"
"Why don't you get a damned job? And who are you caling 'Souppy'?"
Nakuru blinked. "Testy, testy. What's YOUR problem?"
"Simply this, Nakuru-- in order to raise money to support this household, Master Eriol has been taking me to cat shows." Spinel grimaced.
"...You aren't a cat! You're a cat--mouse--thingy or whatever."
"Indeed I am. Perhaps if you got a job, Master Eriol would not have to show me off as a 'genetic anomaly' at those infernal things."
"Hmmm. Well... High school's over... But they accepted me into college!" She held out the letter.
"...That is a vocational college, Nakuru," Spinel explained patiently.
"What's the difference?"
"A regular college would offer a degree. Your intended college, if I remember correctly, would bequeath you with a certificate allowing you to get two dollars more an hour in the coal mines."
"...And?"
"And you'd get dirty, Nakuru."
"Oh yeah!" Nakuru assumed her "cute thoughtfulness" pose. "So what should I do instead?"
"A hairdresser, perhaps?" Spinel suggested.
"Eeew! I wouldn't wanna mess with people's hair! Where'd you get THAT idea!"
"Well, judging by the diverse and thoroughly ridiculous ways you are always styling your hair, I assumed you found some satisfaction in the endeavour." Spinel looked back down at his book.
"Yeah, but that's MY hair! People wanna look good, they can hire me as a designer."
"What's the difference?"
"I do more and I get a totally cool high salary."
"...I should have expected as much. But I doubt you can get into the field without experience--credentials--some impressive piece of work..."
"What about this place?"
Spinel stared at her. "The west wall is forest green. The east wall is cotton-candy pink. The north wall is mauve, and the south wall is burnt ochre."
"I know! Isn't it cool? It's sooooo avant-garde."
He continued to stare at her for a few more seconds, then sighed. "Well, do as you wish. So long as you bring home money, I personally do not care if you become a geisha girl."
"Ooh, there's an idea!"
"NAKURU!"
"Kidding, kidding! Jeeze, Souppy! You're such a square!" She stormed out.
"Who the hell is 'Souppy'!" he yelled after her.
Nakuru, perusing the want ads.
"Never ever ever working at a fast-food joint. Unless I'm like the manager or something. That'd be cool. Especially if I was the manager of the restaraunt, and then Toya was a waiter, and he realized that Yuki just wasn't for him and dumped his sorry ass and took me in his arms and said--"
A saltshaker hit the back of her head. "Oow-yeoww!" she cried, spinning around. "Who the hell threw that!"
Predictably, no one answered. "Sakura's damned posse," she muttered, and was promptly hit by a pepper shaker. "The hell!"
She picked up the pepper shaker from the floor. "What IS this! Throw stuff at the pretty people day!"
A napkin dispenser narrowly missed her shoulder, clattering on the table and falling off. Furious, she glanced around, but saw no familiar faces. "Well, evidently!"
"Maybe it's just the justice of God!" an oddly familiar voice yelled.
"Okay, who said that!" she screeched, jumping up. She stood there, glaring around, for a good two minutes. Finally, she sat back down, muttering curses to herself. She shook out her newspaper and continued to read.
"Oooh, jeweler... Oh damn, you've gotta have credentials for that. I don't have the time!"
"Really? Oh darn, I forgot my watch, and I was hoping... Hi, Akizuki."
Nakuru blinked and swirled around. "Yukito? Hi! What are you doing here?"
"I come here sometimes to do my homework," Yukito explained, smiling serenely. "What about you?"
"Well, it looked like a nice enough café, and I was gonna read this newspaper, and why not do it in style?"
"Ah." Yuki's perpetual serene smile continued. "Nice day to do it. You're looking for a job?"
"Yes. Unlike you, I simply don't have the time to work in idle pursuits like college. I've got people to support."
"Ah yes, Hiiragizawa Eriol and Spinel Sun, right? I can see how you might need money. That house of yours is very old, but I doubt Hiiragizawa-san would be able to claim it in the name of Clow Reed. The government doesn't seem to acknowledge reincarnation yet. I imagine you'd be laughed out of court if you tried to explain half-reincarnation... I really don't understand it myself..."
"Well, it gets harder to learn with age."
"I'm sure it does." Yukito blinked. "Oh dear. You seem to have spilled some salt."
Nakuru shot him a sharp glance. "Yeaaaaah..."
"They say that when you spill salt, you should throw some of it over your shoulder for good luck. You're looking for a job-- with today's economy, I think you'll need luck. And also, there isn't so much job stability as you'd think in being a construct of Clow Reed. One day you're in favor... The next... Well."
He shrugged, still smiling. "The next day, I suppose you're just an 'older model' with elaborate lies for memories and a 'newer model' sassing you and trying to ruin your life. But I don't think you'll have to worry about that. It's not like anybody's ever thought that history runs in cycles. Poetic justice? Passé. And Hiiragizawa Eriol-san? He'd never manipulate you for his own purposes-- never keep you out of the loop-- you're the newer model, and the day will never come where you could be an older model too..."
He kept smiling at her. "Utterly impossible, right? I guess I'm just unlucky that way."
She was silent, but her glare spoke for her.
"Good luck with your job hunt," he said, waving as he started to walk out. "Oh, and that ad in the third column you've circled? Forget it. You know the manager. I think he'd rather hire a drag queen as a waitress. Then again, for all I know, you might fit that part... But anyway, he has the perogative to go out of his way to hire someone else. And trust me, Akizuki-san--he would. Despite that little fantasy of yours."
She jumped, comprehension slowly dawning on her face.
"Ja ne, Akizuki-san!" He kept smiling, all serenity, as he walked out.
Nakuru just sat there for several seconds, amazed that he'd had the nerve to do that--and especially to say all that.
"...That bitch!" she said, and turned back to her paper angrily.
"Hmm... Truck driver... Nah, might get hit on by drunken truck drivers. Although..." She paused, thoughtfully. "Nah, they aren't my type. I want a guy with power-- if not magic, then power over something. Come to think of it, I want a job with power too. What could I do to get that?..."
She glanced down the column. "Police academy! 'The city of Tomoeda, due to recent strange events, is becoming a district of the neighboring city. This will allow us to have a police force for the first time. The police academy is therefore asking for new recruits to facilitate this change.'" She pursed her lips. "Hmm. I wondered why I never got busted for harassment."
She sipped at her tea, then made a face and added a fifteenth packet of sugar to it. "Police... Arresting people... Pulling over drunks... People desperate to get out of a speeding ticket... Senior officers... Chief of police...Possible roundabout entryway into politics..."
She beamed. "Police academy, here I come!"
"What do you mean, 'full'!" she cried.
"Ma'am, the classes are full. We really aren't accepting any more people."
"But-- is there any way I can convince you to let me in?" She sturck her 'sultry pout' pose.
"Please, ma'am... I really think we're booked..."
"...I can tell the future," she offered.
"Reaaaally."
"Mm-hmm! Your future tonight is, you're gonna walk home from work. You're gonna pass by a couple of beggars looking for change. Then you're gonna fall into a giant pit filled with stuffed pigs. Grab onto the green one to get out. Give it to one of the beggars. Then you'll run home as fast as you can."
He snorted. "That sounds more like a video game walkthrough than a fortune."
"So if it comes true, am I in?"
He shrugged. "Sure! What the hell. If all that crap you said happens, then you're in."
She clasped his hands. "Thank you, sir!" She then ran out of the building, cheering.
The man shook his head. A few hours later, he checked out and went to his car.
"The hell!" He bent down. Someone had slashed all his tires.
Immediately the officer was suspicious of that dumb girl who'd come in to ask for enrollment in the Academy. He shook his head; what some people would do. He'd put out a message in the morning. 'Til then, his home wasn't too far, and he'd just have to walk.
The streets of this city were unnerving in their lack of blatant crime. The officer, who had worked in the bad part of the city for years, was used to the streets being full of bums and dumb criminals. So an innocent-looking street always scared him-- in his precinct, when the streets were empty, that meant something REALLY bad had gone down.
But he shook it off and kept walking, past the two old beggars on some steps. And very suddenly he fell--
--into a rather soft dark pit.
He looked around frantically. All he could see were pink stuffed pigs.
He was again suspisious of the girl, but how could that ditz have dug a huge hole in the middle of the street and filled it with stuffed pigs without anybody noticing? He turned himself over and saw a cute blue stuffed pig. He grabbed it, and nothing happened. Floundering the other way, he saw one that was green, and grabbed it.
Instantly he was back on the street, holding the two stuffed pigs. Shakily, he walked over to the beggars, and gave the green pig to one. The other he kept for his daughter.
Very suddenly the utter weirdness of this crept in, and he ran like the hounds of hell were chasing him back to his house.
Interestingly, he and Nakuru both arrived home at about the same time.
"Why, may I ask, did you want that tome?" Spinel asked calmly.
"Tome?"
"The book, Nakuru."
"Oh yeah, here's it back. I just remembered that master Eriol used it in that thing at the playground. That's all."
"Indeed. Oh, by the way, you hurried back out before I could ask-- how went the job hunt?"
"Pretty good, actually! I met Yukito, and he acted like a bitch, though."
"Indeed. What about you could possibly induce him to do that." It was most absolutely sarcasm.
"I don't know! He's just being a bitch 'cos I still want his boyfriend."
"How incomprehensible."
"I know! But I found a job anyway."
Hiiragizawa walked in. "Oh, how wonderful! What is it, and when do you start?"
"Well, it's not actually a job yet, it's training." She dropped onto the couch.
"For what?" Spinel asked calmly.
"I'm in the police academy!"
Hiirgizawa quietly and politely choked and fell behind the sofa.
"You're what!" Spinel asked incredulously.
"I'm gonna be a cop!"
"YOU?"
"Yeah! It'll be fun!"
"What on earth possessed you to want to become a-- a COP?"
"Simple! Drunks, desperate speeders, and a sexy uniform!"
Hiiragizawa, who had been struggling up, fell down again. Even Spinel lost his footing for a moment.
"...For God's sake, Nakuru, you cannot join up with the police force just because you like the uniform!"
"It's better than the army! And yes you can!"
"But why on earth WOULD you!"
"So I can sleep with the Chief of Police or the Mayor or somethin'! Or maybe become the mayor! Hell, either way, I'm happy."
"Nakuru, you are acting like a-- a whore!"
"...So?"
Hiiragizawa fell down again and decided for the moment to just stay there.
"So being a whore is bad, Nakuru!"
"That's according to your value system, and mine's better than yours."
"According to your value system, which I am slowly beginning to believe should never be trusted."
"...So's your old man!"
"Nakuru! According to the only possible sensible interpretation of that statement, you are saying that Master Eriol's judgment should never be trusted either!"
"...Oh. Sorry, then. What were we talking about?"
Spinel sighed. "Dinner. It is ready."
"Hot dog! Last one to the table is a rotten egg, Souppy!" She darted off.
"Who the hell is 'Souppy'!" he yelled after her.
"...Is this... my fault?" Hiiragizawa asked weakly, sitting up.
"...I do believe so, Master Eriol."
"...Was I doing anything illegal when I created her?"
"I was not there, Master Eriol."
"...God, I hope not."
"So do we all, Master Eriol."
"Stop that."
"Yes, Master Eriol."
He groaned, got up, and walked to the table.
"I got here first!" Nakuru cried happily.
Hiiragizawa sighed deeply, and, telling himself that he was, in theory, a good few hundred years above the legal limit, got himself a can of Nakuru's sake out of the fridge to go with his okonomi-yaki. Sometimes life wasn't easy.
Spinel gingerly walked into the kitchen. "Ah, hello, Nakuru."
"Hiya Souppy!"
Spinel ignored her comment and leapt to the table by way of the chair. "What on earth is that dirt-colored slop you're eating?"
"Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs!" she exclaimed happily. "To prepare me for the looong day ahead."
Spinel rather thought that it would be those around her today that would need the energy. "Indeed," was all he said.
"Hey, it says that you get a free cereal mascot in every box! 'Be the first in your neighborhood to collect 'em all'. Hmm!" She popped another spoonful in her mouth as Hiiragizawa walked in. "Master Eriol--"
"I'm not buying ANY MORE CEREAL until that box is gone, Nakuru," Hiiragizawa said sleepily, walking to the refridgerator.
"...Well. That shouldn't take too long! C'mon Souppy, have a bowl."
"No, Nakuru, and my name is not Souppy."
"Oh come on! It's really good."
"NO, NAKURU."
"Pleeeaaaaaseeeeeeeee?"
"NO!"
"Oh, you're no fun," Nakuru pouted, and went back to her cereal.
Spinel sighed and thought of his-- cousin? Brother? Mirror? Oh, it was hopeless. He thought of Kerberos. Dealing with Yué could not possibly be this difficult. He rather liked Yué, come to think of it. Certainly Kerberos might find Yué's lack of irresponsible behavior a bit annoying, but even he couldn't possibly wish Nakuru instead... Although, thinking about it...
"Hmm," he said, under his breath. "I wonder if the Guardian Kerberos might possibly accept a trade?..."
"Hmm?" Nakuru asked, with a purple milk-mustache.
"Nothing, Nakuru."
"Ah, okay." She slurped up the rest of the milk. "Gotta go! Bye-yie!"
Spinel watched as she ran out the door. "You don't suppose Kerberos would--"
"No, Spinel, and stop talking about it," Hiiragizawa said, tired.
"Yes, Master Eriol..."
The officer jumped as he saw that girl come in again. He was literally trembling by the time she got to the desk.
"Did my prediction come true?" she asked brightly.
He just stood there, breahting deeply for a few moments. "You," he said finally, "Are the devil himself."
"Thanks! So am I in?"
"Provided I never ever ever see you again in my entire life and afterlife, I suppose you are. But you heard me! Never let me see you again!"
"Thank you, sir! I'm just so happy that--
"Be at this address Tuesday at six AM sharp!" He threw her a paper.
"Yes sir, and I'd just like to thank you again for--"
"Aren't you leaving yet?"
"But sir--"
"I never want to see you for the rest of my existence, and I'd really like the rest of my existence to start as soon as possible! You get it? PLEASE leave!"
"...Okay." She left, shaking her head. "What a spaz... How the hell'd he get to be a policeman... Disgrace to the force..."
"Sakura, is something on your mind?" Tomoyo inquired.
"Um, yeah." She let out a breath. "Remember Akizuki Nakuru? Ruby Moon?"
"Yes, that girl who was all over your brother." She nodded.
"Well, Toya says he heard from Yuki that she's looking for a job. What if she comes looking at the Turtle?"
"...What would be so awful about that? Are you afraid that he'd hire her? I thought Toya hated her."
"I know. I'm just afraid he might kill her or something. Or the other way around. Did I ever tell you about the time she jumped on him from a second-story winDOOOOOOOOOW!"
The last part of Sakura's sentence turned into a scream as someone jumped down in front of them. "HIYA! I am Sexy Policewoman-to-Be Akizuki Nakuru! Fighting for truth, justice, and Kinomoto Tou-ya! And YOU... are JAYWALKING!"
"No we aren't!" Sakura yelled, scandalized at the very thought.
"You are so, shuddup! I've gotta haul you two off! You guys just better hope your hottie brother pays the bail!" She beamed and started to drag them off.
"WHAT! Hey! I am NOT coming with you!" Sakura yelled. "What is your PROBLEM?"
"I'm joinin' the Police Academy tommorow! I'm gonna marry the mayor and RULE this one-horse town!"
"God forbid!" Tomoyo cried.
"Heyyyyy! I want an editorial, I'll ASK for it, kid!"
"If you aren't even in the Academy yet, you can't drag us away like this!" Sakura reasoned.
"Nope, I probably can't!" She continued to drag them.
"AIYEEEEEE! she suddenly screamed, and fell.
Sakura turned to stare at Tomoyo, who was holding a pink, winged taser, new from her mother's company.
"I didn't think Akizuki Nakuru-san was going to listen to reason," she said, by way of explanation. "Quick, let's go!"
Slightly stunned, Sakura obeyed.
"HEY! WAIT! You stupid kids!" Nakuru yelled. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, FRIEND OF SAKURA! I WILL GET YOU!"
Ignoring the stares of innocent passersby, she struggled up, dusted herself off, and stormed away.
"She did WHAT!" Toya yelled into the phone.
"She jumped out of a third-story window right in front of us! Then she said she was--um--"
"I think it was 'Sexy Policewoman-to-Be Akizuki Nakuru'," Tomoyo said in the background.
"'Policewoman-to-Be'" Toya echoed incredulously.
Sakura nodded vigorously. "Yes! And I tried to reason with her, but she just said she was gonna become the Mayor or something!"
"God forbid!" Toya muttered.
"That's what I said," Tomoyo interjected. "She told me that if she'd wanted an editorial, she would have asked for it."
"Yeah. And then Tomoyo used a taser on her, it was so cool! And then we ran away."
"It's just our company's new line of schoolgirl defense weapons," Tomoyo said, blushing. "We also have pepper spray and a cell phone that looks like a bottle of nail polish, and we'll release more designs soon."
"Really? You should think about getting some of those, Sakura..." He coughed. "But anyway."
"Yeah, all she did was yell at us as we ran away. But I thought you'd want to know, and it really kinda freaked me out."
"Yeah, I can see how it could. You okay, though? Should I come over?"
"No! No, I'm fine, Toya!" Sakura cried. "Really. Don't worry about it."
"Okay..." There was a loud sound in the background. "Um, I've gotta go. Bye, Sakura!"
"Bye!" she echoed, and hung up the phone.
"OH NO! DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME, KID! This is the seventh time this WEEK!" Toya yelled.
"I didn't mean to!" the hapless busboy cried, trying to shrink away from the broken dishes.
"And you didn't mean to LAST time, or the time BEFORE last! If I keep you on, we're gonna go BANKRUPT!"
"But please, sir!"
"Is there a problem here?" Nakuru calmly walked in.
"Wha--you--" Toya froze.
"I'll take carea this runt for ya, Tou-ya-chan!" She beamed and put the struggling busboy in handcuffs. "You have the right to remain silent! If ya give up that right, I'll bust ya in the mouth to KEEP ya silent!"
The busboy screamed, terrified.
"AKIZUKI!" Toya yelled. "This is MY kitchen! Get the hell out of it!"
"It is not!"
"For this shift, it is! Let the kid go!"
"What! C'mon, Tou-ya--"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT! Uncuff him and GO!"
"...Ah well, I don't know any more of the rights, anyway." Surly, she let the busboy go. "But I'll see ya soon, Tou-ya-chaaaan!" She beamed and flounced out the door, waving.
"KINOMOTO-SAN TO YOU, AKIZUKI!" he yelled after her. Furious over her repeated attempts to keep herself the most surreal part of his life, he turned back around to see the kitchen, utterly still, except for the trembling busboy.
"...That's Akizuki, my stalker," he explained.
Having heard the tales, the cooks 'ah'ed in comprehension and went on with their work.
"C'mon, kid! Help me get up these dishes."
The terrorized busboy obeyed. "That--that chick--"
"What I want to know is where the damn woman got handcuffs," Toya said, putting broken dishes back in the bin. "Then again, that's probably what I don't want to know. She break anything?"
"What? Me? Bones? No, sir!"
"Count yourself lucky, then. Get the rest of these up. And I'm warning you, the next time you break those dishes, it's back to the grocery store."
"Yessir." The busboy got to work as the shock slowly started to wear off.
"You know..." he mused. "Thinking about it... That was a pretty hot chick..."
Nakuru threw herself in the armchair huffily.
"What is it, Nakuru." Spinel didn't sound particularly interested, but he knew he'd hear it sooner or later.
"I had the lousiest day! Friend-of-Sakura used a taser on me!"
Spinel blinked. "..By 'friend of Sakura', you would mean who exactly?"
"I dunno, the dumb kid with the camera and the long hair and the obvious crush on you."
"What!"
"Oh wait, she's got a crush on Sakura, doesn't she? Sorry, mixed you two up. I'll never understand those people. What does anyone see in girls?... Unless of course it was me."
Spinel took a few seconds to recover. "I believe her name is 'Daidouji Tomoyo', but I'm not sure."
"Whatever. Anyway, she used a taser on me."
"What were you doing?"
"What!" she shrieked, indignant. "Why I never! I don't believe it! You have the nerve to just sit there and assume I did something to the child! Why, I thought you were my friend! How dare you believe me capable of that?"
"Are you done?"
Nakuru threw herself down in the chair.
"Good. What, may I ask, were you doing to her?"
"...I was gonna drag her and Sakura here and try to get Tou-ya-chan to bail them out."
Spinel sighed. "Must you insist on calling him 'Tou-ya-chan' like that? Come to think of it, must you insist on calling me 'Souppy'? Even you must have divined by now that I absolutely detest the name."
"Yes," she said, "I must. But don't you think she was WAY over the line, Souppy?"
"No. As a matter of fact, I think you may just have been the one to cross the line. Shocking."
"What! What did I do!"
"If you realy don't know, then I suggest you stop caring about the line, because it's simply too gray for you to see."
She paused. "You know, maybe you're right! I always thought the idea of a line was stupid anyway. I never saw the thing. How do I know it's there!"
"Indeed," Spinel said, reading.
"You know, you're really smart, Souppy! Must be all that reading you do." She hugged him, much to Spinel's dismay.
"--When does your academy start?" he asked.
"Oh." She dropped him. "Lessee. Next Tuesday. I get to stay over, so I guess I'd better pack. Says here we'll haveta buy our uniforms, too... Damn..."
"Small price to pay," he noted.
"Yeah, I guess so. I hope I get to wear a really short leather skirt!"
"...I think that's only the strippers, Nakuru."
"Oh? You mean the police have a stripper division!"
Unnerved by the enthusiasm in her voice, Spinel quickly explained. "No, no, no, only the strippers who pretend to be policewomen wear those skirts."
"...So no stripper division?" she asked, sounding disappointed.
"No. But think of it this way," he found himself saying. "You'll probably have to do undercover work pretending to be a harlot."
"Really? You aren't just saying that?"
"...No, don't you remember that 'cop show' we used to watch in London when we were locked in that closet all day? The marathon?"
"NYPD Blue? Oh yeah! Did they mention that?"
"Some cop show did, at one time or another."
"Oh good! Then it has to be true!"
"...Indeed."
"I'm gonna go out and buy us a cake to celebrate!"
"To celebrate what?"
"Who the hell cares?" she said, skipping out.
Spinel paused. "That," he said to himself, "may have been the only wise thing I will ever hear her say."
He was silent again. "Hmm. That DOES deserve a cake."
Satisfied, he went on with his reading.
Spinel heard the door slam. He heard something slam on the kitchen table. He glanced up to see Nakuru storm in, covered in flour.
"What happened?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about it."
Spinel pasued, loked down at his book. "It didn't have anything to do with all those sirens about ten minutes ago, did it?"
"I SAID I don't want to talk about it."
"...Ah."
"Visiting someone's house shouldn't be illegal!" she yelled.
"Trouble with the restraining order again?"
"Those things should be illegal!"
"Indeed." Spinel calmly turned a page in a book. "Did you get the cake?"
There was a silence.
"Oh. Crap," she said, and rushed back out the door.
Spinel, slowly learning to take Nakuru in his stride, turned a page and reminded himself that in a few days, Nakuru would be off to training.
But if she kept her promise of calling every day, then there could be trouble...