Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters related to 24. (If I did season 5 would've started a hell of a lot differently...)
A/N: Alright so I've been sitting on this story for a while and decided I might as well post it...finally...Especially since Monday's episode looks like it's gonna be a doozy...Anyway, feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated and I hope you enjoy this :).
T/M...post season 4...one shot...
Just Breathe
The day had been overwhelming to say the least. A lot can happen in a few hours and both Tony and Michelle knew this. The effects were finally beginning to take their toll and they wanted only one thing; the only thing that could help them mend after days of that sort. They did not want to be stuck at CTU for who knows how many more hours trying to pick up the pieces of this disaster. They wanted each other; they needed each other...More than they had ever needed anything in their entire lives.
The glances they shared confessed this. They confessed, without words, how much they wanted to seek each other out in a dark corner like they had so many years before...
But they couldn't, not right away. First Michelle had to prepare the stand down orders for the rest of the staff, and help Buchanan brief Division, and then she could fall to pieces in the arms of the only person who had ever made her feel completely safe.
When the day finally ended, the sun was starting to sink over the horizon. Neither had slept in almost 35 hours and Michelle did not have the energy left to drive home.
Tony interrupted her thoughts, and she was reminded in the simplest way possible of how unbelievably glad she was to have him back.
"I can drive if you want..." he informed her, noticing her eyelids were already beginning to droop.
"Do you mind?" Michelle hesitated, concerned about his fresh injuries.
He shook his head. Of course he didn't mind; not for Michelle. "I have to go talk to Jen though."
Her stomach dropped. "Tonight? Can't it wait...?"
"It's not fair to her..."
He was right, Michelle had caused this woman enough grief already, and she could at least give her the courtesy of Tony for now. An opportunity to do whatever they needed to do...to end things on whatever terms they needed to.
Michelle had never gotten over Tony. In fact the only thing she did for the remainder of those six months was curse herself for not being stronger and wishing him back to her; old Tony or not, he was still her Tony...
And then, she got her wish.
When Michelle Dessler, Deputy Director of Division, heard Tony Almeida had returned to CTU, the same CTU she was being sent to, her heart had virtually stopped. And despite that it was what she knew she wanted she hardened herself at this revelation; deciding right away to prevent him from getting under her skin again now that she was finally finding herself able to stop thinking about him every living minute of every goddamn day... That meant limiting the kinds of work he was cleared for to prevent any sort of glimpse of their old life. It meant insulting him and ordering him around like he had no idea what the hell he was doing...It did not mean falling for him again...That part happened all on it's own. In all honesty she hadn't stopped falling for him from the moment they met; divorce or not. Everyday since they'd been together she'd loved him just a little bit more, and everyday after she left she ached for him a little bit harder...
So when she went to CTU she was being defensive; protecting herself from further heartbreak...if that were even possible...In those first few hours she had vaguely wondered when things between them had become so screwed up she felt the need to protect herself from him; the person who had already proven himself willing to protect her from absolutely anything.
And now, here they were, driving down the highway to Michelle's new apartment so she could try to rest while Tony went to see Jen.
"Take my car." she told him, although she was pretty sure it was unnecessary to do so. It was simply an attempt to linger beside him longer, if only for a few seconds.
Tony nodded and squeezed her hand. "Thanks."
"And um...just come back when you're ready, okay? I'll probably be up for a while anyway...so even later tonight if you want..."
Tony caught the hint. Michelle would be up until he came back.
"I will sweetheart..." he told her gently, making her melt. Sweetheart, God did she love when he said that. It was the way he said it too; the way the tone of his voice softened to a level few people, if any, would ever get to hear; and the way he paused for half a beat after he said it; as if trying to let it sink in before they continued any further.
She smiled slightly as his thumb reached up and traced her cheek.
"I'll see you in a few hours."
Michelle was sitting rigidly on the couch, back arched almost painfully, when she heard the buzzer to her apartment go. She flew to her feet, determined for the waiting to finally stop.
Those hours while he was gone had been spent in front of the TV; she'd flipped on some old movie but had failed to process a single part of it. She was nervous. Tony had come so close to death such a short time before and she was wary of anything that had them separated for too long...
"Hey," Tony called up when she answered. "It's me."
"It's open..." she told him as she pressed the button.
The time it took for him to make his way up the elevator was far too lengthy. Michelle was convinced any self-restraint she'd been exercising since earlier that morning would be gone the second he walked through the door. Her muscles contracted when he knocked, as if preparing to lunge at him of their own accord; ignorant to her brain's protests.
Instead she smiled casually and pulled it open.
Tony looked anxious and ran his fingers through messy hair. It was as though he was invading her sanctuary, a sanctuary from well...him. He noticed Michelle was still wearing her business suit, with the jacket slung over the back of a chair and the first few buttons of the blouse undone now. The little patch of skin revealed by this gesture sent Tony into a frenzy rivaling the one he'd experienced the first time he'd seen her like that…Which had, ironically, led to them making passionate love on the couch in her living room after work one night...
It had been far too long.
"I left my stuff in the car..." he told her, not wanting to show up on her doorstep with bags and burden her with decisions she might not be ready to make yet.
"That's fine..." she told him quietly. "I'll help you bring it up later..."
Tony cocked his head to one side and studied her face, a wry smirk forming on his lips that Michelle desperately wanted to cover with her mouth...like she always did. Tony knew that too.
"How'd it go?" she asked, stepping back and allowing him to enter.
He shrugged, following her.
"What you'd expect I guess...but I don't want to get into it right now..."
It had been hell, to say the least. Jen had been almost...accepting when informed her that they'd decided today to give "them" another chance. He'd left out the part about having never entirely been able to bring himself to give up on "them" in the first place.
Michelle nodded, understanding his desire to avoid any more conversation about it, and continued to walk further into the kitchen.
"Hungry?" she asked, heading over to the fridge. A hand rested lightly on her shoulder, freezing her on the spot and causing her eyes to close while she relished in the sensation.
"No." he whispered as he moved his body against hers. Michelle's pulse quickened and she kept her eyes tightly shut, choosing instead to feel for the hand and wrap it around her waist. Her neck tilted back against his shoulder and her knees gave way; reminding her yet again of just how easy it was for this man to turn her into a pile of useless goop.
Tony's other arm wrapped itself protectively across her chest and Michelle linked her fingers through his. His chin came to rest against her shoulder as he vigorously rubbed the subtle shakes from her tired form. Satisfied he pulled away, kissing her temple quickly. Maybe it was presumptuous; acting as though the last year hadn't happened and he was merely a husband comforting his wife when she needed it...but he leaned in anyway, almost unnoticeably, and pressed his mouth into her skin again; this time, the crook of her neck. Michelle shuddered and her breathing grew a little more laboured.
"I'm sorry sweetheart..." he assured her smooth cheek, taking in the scent of her light perfume. After everything they'd been through in the last day and in the last however many years...he wanted her. He wanted to feel the connection that he could only feel with her. The emotions only she could draw from the depths of his very being; making him feel complete. The ones he'd repressed when she went away because of the pain they caused without her present.
"For y'know...everything...It wasn't your fault."
Tears filled her eyes. It was that very notion that had practically driven her to insanity the entire time he was in jail, and then, the entire time he was miserable at home. Again and again she'd battled with her conscious, trying to overcome the fact that if he could've just let her go, his life would not be in ruins.
In the end, she'd blamed herself. Every night after he'd come home from prison, and every night after she'd left; she'd blamed herself for the state he was in and for not knowing how to fix it.
"You tried..." he continued. "I know you did, but I just didn't want anyone's help..."
She brought a hand to her mouth, swallowing hard to fight back the sobs. He brushed his fingers back and forth across her stomach, wondering how in the world he'd ever managed to survive without her for as long as he did.
Finally, Michelle opened her eyes, her skin tingling where his mouth had heated it.
She composed herself and turned around in his arms, moving her hand to the base of his neck and pulling their lips together. For a few minutes they kissed feverishly; his arm tightening around her waist and her fingers burrowing deeply in his hair. It was he who pulled back, unable to go without air any longer.
He leaned his forehead against hers.
"You sure?" he asked, wondering if his heart was pounding fast enough that Michelle could feel it. Difficult as it was for him to process, reality was beginning to sink in as the adrenaline from the day wore off. He was standing in Michelle's apartment and she was kissing him; the pent up emotions backing these kisses the only indication that time had passed since the last time they stood at her counter doing so.
The question, in its simplistic form, asked so many things. It asked if she was certain about engaging in what they were only moments away from doing; if she was sure about helping him bring up his bags later; if she really was glad he was in her apartment now and the words said earlier in the day had been ones she really meant.
But...she gave him a slightly punch-drunk grin while running one hand through his hair and the thumb of the other across the gash in his lower lip...before answering all the questions in a gloriously simplistic answer:
"Yeah."
Tony eyed her carefully, searching for any uncertainty, and smirked back when he found none; wasting no time in capturing her lips again hungrily with his own. A hand found the back of her head; pulling her in, refusing to let go.
After a few passionate seconds of scratching her palm with a stubbly cheek as she pulled his mouth more deeply into hers, he broke the contact while they panted for air. He looked as if he was about to speak, but Michelle responded before he had to.
"Last door..." she breathed heavily as she attached them at the lips yet again. "On the right..."
Tony nodded slid both arms underneath her, and they began moving to bedroom with nothing but soft moans and heavy gasping to fill the silence.
They fell on the bed together, Tony's teeth tugging at her bottom lip, prying her mouth open to make room for his tongue. Michelle gasped when she felt the tip touch her own and sucked harder. Her hands fumbled to remove his shirt, desperately trying to rediscover the sensation of running across his bare chest. Tony leaned away after a minute, completing the task for her; not wanting to waste any more time on things they could waste time on later. The butterflies in Michelle's stomach increased rapidly as his weight settled and his mouth found her neck. Hands roamed the now unfamiliar territory; hating the idea that there had been a time when it hadn't, even for a second, belonged to her...and feeling around for any new scars left behind from the months they were apart; knowing the most damaging ones probably weren't in any place she could see.
Those scars, the emotional ones, were being physically manifested through his every movement. His kisses explained how her leaving had almost killed him...and his long, slow caresses confirmed that he could never let go of her again...
A hand slid underneath her skirt, tracing the outline of her leg, and Michelle gasped. It was happening, this was really happening and the emotions coursing through her veins were just too much... Tony saw the silent pain in her gaze when she brought his palm to her lips briefly, and felt a sharp pang in his chest. Her eyes had become glassy and she quivered with his every touch, reminding him that he'd scarred her just as badly...
When he leaned back over her, torturously slowly undoing the rest of her buttons, Michelle grabbed his hands and squeezed her eyes shut, stopping them for a minute without really wanting to.
"I'm shaking..." she apologized when his knuckles grazed the bare skin of her collarbone and she shuddered against the sheets. She held them firmly against her, unwilling to let go yet. She needed to know he was there right now.
Tony pried his left hand free, leaving Michelle clinging reflexively to his right. He pulled her fingers to his lips and kissed each one reassuringly, while brushing the hair off her face.
"You okay?" he asked, while he ran a finger over her cheek. Skin sizzled and a tear leaked out of Michelle's still-closed eye.
"Yeah." she choked out, as their fingers wrapped around each other. "Just after everything I can't believe..."
With his unoccupied hand, while offering a gentle squeeze to her own with the one he was holding, Tony undid the rest of the buttons on her blouse and pushed it off her shoulder, giving his lips a fresh place to smoother kisses.
"Hey..." he softly coaxed Michelle into opening her eyes again as he cupped her face. He grinned a little lopsidedly at her when she did, before meeting mouth with mouth again.
Michelle fought to keep her shakes under control when a hand slid under the strap of her bra, but instead they only became more violent. Tony felt this and they shuddered in sync with each other as the clasp was undone and the articles of clothing removed thus far were tossed off the bed. Her goosebumps were more than apparent as his hands moved up and down every inch of exposed skin. He seemed to touch all of her at once and made Michelle whimper with anticipation as he fought to keep her pinned to the bed.
"I'm...I'm sorry Tony...I'm so sorry..." she whispered into his mouth when her whole body began to quiver unmanageably as an arm slid round the small of her back for support. She wasn't usually such a mess, but was now finding it far too difficult to even manage the buttons on his jeans.
"I don't know what's wrong with me..." she spoke as if pleading with him to help her figure it out.
Tony had a feeling he knew exactly what was wrong with her, as it was the same thing that was wrong with him. He'd been straining with himself since the kitchen to keep it together for her. With Michelle, it had always been about the other person. Together they weren't selfish, and now Tony felt like he owed her as much. There were months of neglect, alcohol-fueled rants, and shouting matches to make up for. He owed it to both of them to give Michelle everything he had...and if that meant him fighting for control while she came undone in his arms, so be it. Never, in as long as he lived, would Tony grow tired of moments like that.
He silenced her apologetic whimpers with a few well-placed kisses, feeling her moan into his mouth and wondering how much more energy he had left in him.
"Shh...Michelle..." he cooed as each of her spasms caused his stomach muscles to tighten and his self-restraint to slip a little bit further from his grasp. He placed gentle nibbles across her neck and chest, removing the last barriers and easing himself between her legs. Re-lacing both sets of fingers with her own, their lips sealed round each other once more, as he eased into position and she drew him in as far as she could.
They found a rhythm quickly, their rhythm; as safe and familiar as it was intense and overwhelming. With each new thrust they pushed closer and closer to the brink, moving mercilessly in the other's arms. The moans and soft cries reverberated around the room, enveloping them both in a world that was entirely theirs. And then, lacking the strength to resist her body's responses any longer, Michelle climaxed in the arms surrounding her in the way she loved so much. It was this that sent Tony over the edge as well, and soon they were fighting for breath in the heated air; all the while wanting to suffocate themselves with the other person.
It was then, that Michelle started to cry.
The tears came in a relentless stream and she tried to silently muffle her sobs. Tony felt her body tense against him and lifted his head, locking her eyes in his.
"I'm sorry..." she restated, feeling his weight adjust against her. He leaned down to kiss her sodden cheeks, wiping away fresh droplets with his thumbs.
"It's okay..." he kissed her eyelids, moving one hand up to stroke her hair, amazed at his muscles own ability to function after what they'd just endured.
"I...I missed you so much...and I've been so horrible to you...and when the bomb and everything I just…"
Tony's own vision blurred at this.
"I missed you too." He said easily and nuzzled into her chest before rolling them over and easing her head into the crook of his neck. She stopped crying, absorbing the sensation of herself engulfed in his warm embrace.
He pulled the covers over them and alternated between running his fingers down her side and through her hair. She sighed, her breaths sending shivers that penetrated his very core.
"I love you..." he croaked, catching a waft of her aromatic hair as he kissed her forehead.
A few new tears fell against his shoulder.
"I love you too." she declared, burying herself more tightly in his warmth.
They both relaxed as limbs entwined and sleep finally consumed them.
When the sun rose the next morning, Michelle was happy. It didn't take her long to realize that Tony's soft, therapeutic breaths against her naked skin felt like new life being breathed into her. She was a different person than she had been the day before. For one thing, she was smiling...For another she didn't mind lying in bed for a few minutes, allowing herself to wake up, and her mind to wander through the day to come. She wasn't jumping up to the sound of a blaring alarm clock, and hurrying into the shower before thoughts of isolation and emptiness could overtake her. It was okay to lie still, in peace, for a few minutes; because life was good again...Life was great really.
"What are you thinking about?" his grip tightened around her before his eyes even opened, as if to ensure she would still be there when they did.
She turned around and smiled softly, shaking her head.
"Nothing." she told him casually, knowing he knew she would be lying.
He didn't press it though; instead he smiled and played with her hair, as if committing every strand to memory.
Soon arms were pulling her back to him and her cheek rested against his shoulder.
Tony would never admit how choked up he felt by that simple gesture; her lips pressing almost unnoticeably into his neck while she sighed softly and snuggled into his comforting embrace.
It was moments like this he'd dreamed about since she'd left. Moments they'd spent together that he hated himself for remembering because of the pain they seemed to cause. It was too good to be true, really; and if it hadn't been for the numbed pain in his left foot, and the tightness of the lump forming in his chest, Tony would've been convinced he was dreaming.
Out of habit, he pulled the blankets over her bare shoulder, and Michelle lifted her head, instantly making Tony wonder if maybe things had changed a lot more than he'd realized and she didn't need him for the same things she had before.
She frowned slightly at his gesture and he bit his lip awkwardly, feeling stupid now.
"You always used to get cold..." he finally admitted his reasoning.
To his relief, she smiled again. And he had never been so unbelievably glad to see her do so...nor, had he ever been so grateful that he could still make her smile.
She inclined her head slightly in assurance that one thing certainly hadn't changed...
With a sigh, she tilted her chin upwards, sighing again as their lips met. A hand buried itself in her hair, holding their mouths together while he sucked gently on her lower lip, rotating her beneath him.
A few minutes he later he pulled back, needing to look at her a little more and realize it was really Michelle, and not just him imagining it.
He brushed a newly curled tendril off her forehead before pressing his lips against the spot. Words weren't right...they weren't enough, but he had to say something.
"Michelle..." he fell back on his side so that they were facing each other once again. Her heart melted when he said her name like that, in that soft whisper that sent wonderful shivers from her head to her toes. It was in that way she'd heard her name spoken every time she happened to walk through the halls at CTU, or when her phone rang and she expected him to be on the other end. Even at Division, she'd still dreamt he would speak to her like that again, someday; hopeless romantic or not.
"I know these last couple of months aren't just gonna go away because of what happened yesterday..."
"Tony..."
"And I still have a lot of stuff to fix but I want you to know..." he cupped her face sweetly to emphasize his point, finding himself getting caught up in her wide-eyed, fathomless expression. His lips twitched ever so slightly as reality hit him yet again, knocking him off-kilter with the same ferocity it had the first time she walked across the CTU bullpen two evenings before.
"I want you to know," he repeated, his throat coated with sufficient emotion to make him wonder if he'd even be able to speak without completely falling apart. She'd cried enough for the both of them though, and he knew the things that he would attempt to say had to be said sooner or later.
"That whatever you need me to do so that this will work... I can do it, whatever it is..." she listened carefully and he continued to wish he'd been gifted with the ability to eloquently express exactly what he wanted to say in exactly the right way.
She'd never ask that of him though, for she could always see the unspoken words in the soft gaze he fixated upon her when he spoke; and she feltthe affection to the point of almost being bogged down by it. In so many ways it was such a burden, loving someone like that was the cause of so much pain. It's twice as hard to make a decision because you're not only affecting yourself when you do, and it's twice as hard to live your life because you're living theirs as well...
And yet, people still do that; people still love. It was a concept so ingrained into behaviour that even animals abided by it. The cost to oneself, that of caring for another person, was, in every way imaginable, outweighed by the desire for that other individual to be okay and...happy.
She started to cry again, feeling silly for doing so; but he was looking at her like that... In the way that made her heart ache and her chest constrict and her throat run dry and her stomach churn uncontrollably, making her wonder if she'd be sick at any moment... She never was though, and it was this feeling that told her to wave away his apologies and his insistence to make things right and kiss him silly until someone had to pry her away with the Jaws of Life.
"When I saw you..." she began in a throaty whisper. "I mean...I saw you...and you haven't..." she hesitated, angry with her own inability to articulate things. "I mean I know a lot's changed and so have we both but it's as if..."
It's as if everything between us was put on hold the second you got taken away, and it's just starting up again now...
"This past year wasn't us." he finished, understanding what she meant.
Michelle smiled and nodded, burying her face against his chest as his arms wrapped around her in a protective embrace.
This was them.