I do not own DW. This is just for fun.
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"Oh, dammit, not again," said Ling Tong, dumping the contents of his money pouch on the ground, a bunch of gold coins scattering everywhere, "darn it!" Sarcasm was evident in his voice.
Lu Xun looked up from his book to sigh. Not again.
"Way to go, silly," chastised Sun Shang Xiang, watching nearby from where she'd been talking to her elder brother, Sun Quan, "that's like the third time today!"
"I know. Silly me~" said Ling Tong, "mind helping me pick all of it up, Shang Xiang? My back's still hurting from Yi Ling…"
"Sure!" Sun Shang Xiang chirped excitedly, skipping over and looking around. She lowered her volume. "I forgot to put on undies today, so no peeking!" She looked at him menacingly.
"You've got my word~" Ling Tong promised solemnly. Sun Shang Xiang beamed and bent over, beginning to pick the coins up, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear.
"Darn it," she whined, "Oh, where'd it go, where'd it go!?"
"I don't know~" said Ling Tong, sitting down and enjoying the show, hoping she'd turn around so he'd get a front view too, "I think one rolled this way~"
"Really?" Sun Shang Xiang asked cheerfully, jumping up and turning around, dropping on her knees, "where'd you gooooooooo, money!?"
Sun Quan glanced over for a minute, winced and looked away, mentally apologizing to his father and his brother up in the Heavens for allowing Sun Shang Xiang to turn into what she was; but also envying them at the same time. Lucky bastards didn't have to put up with this crap!
Zhou Tai even made a face.
"I think I see something over there," said Ling Tong, and Sun Shang Xiang turned, crawling towards him a bit.
"I don't see anything!" she complained, Ling Tong too busy looking down her top—thing, whatever it was she was wearing—to pay any attention. She looked up at him and frowned. "Hey, what're you staring at!?"
"Nothing~" Ling Tong said innocently.
"Oh. Okay~" Sun Shang Xiang grinned and went back to searching.
"Dammit, I can't watch this anymore—Princess, have some shame and stand up straight, will you!? Ling Tong's back is fine, he's just looking for an excuse to ogle you!" Lu Xun said, slamming his book shut, glaring over at Ling Tong.
Sun Shang Xiang gasped and turned around, her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide. "T-Tong!" she wailed, "You big jerk!"
"Oh, can anyone actually blame me!?" Ling Tong squawked, indignant, "I'll ogle whatever female I have to if it means I can prove to everyone that I'm not—not—"
"Wimpy?" Lu Xun offered.
"Useless?" Sun Quan added.
"A jerk!?" Sun Shang Xiang whined.
"GAY!" Ling Tong bellowed, "as in, I'M NOT!"
"Just because you have ridiculous amounts of unresolved sexual tension with Gan Ning doesn't mean you get to use me as a piece of meat!" Sun Shang Xiang pouted, "I'm a woman, not a—"
"WE KNOW YOU'RE A WOMAN," Sun Quan bellowed, losing all patience, "Dammit Shang Xiang, we can quite obviously see you are a woman! And furthermore, nobody said that women were weak! Nobody thought it either, until you had to bring it up every time you defeated an officer!"
Sun Shang Xiang pouted, kicking the ground furiously. "I hate all of you! You big bunch of meanies!" She stuck her tongue out at them all and stormed into the food tent.
"…someone needs to buy her some underwear," Zhou Tai commented.
-
Gan Ning stormed inside the tent, pissed off as all hell, the trademark jingle of his bells droned out by the clunking of his metal boots. He sat down at the table, slammed his fists down on the table, and reached for a chicken leg.
"Hi Gan Ning!" said Sun Shang Xiang, apparently unable to tell when a man is very, very, very, very, very angry at the world, "what's up?"
Gan Ning said something incoherent through a mouthful of food. Judging by the hideous scowl on his face while he chewed (almost like he was imagining he was chewing the brains of whoever had pissed him off), one would think to leave him the hell alone.
Sun Shang Xiang, however, kept all her brains where she kept her modest apparel—as in, not anywhere near where they rightfully belonged—just tilted her head. "What's got your balls in a knot? Need me to help fix them for you?" she asked, grinning. "I meant that in the figurative way! Not the literal, ewwwww!"
Gan Ning glared at her savagely for about a minute before his forehead started to hurt; he swallowed his food and glared at her again for about a second. "I don't want to talk about it," he grunted, before reaching for more food.
"My big brother always used to say you have to share your problems with your friends if you ever want to get anywhere," Sun Shang Xiang said sagely.
"And where'd that get him?" Gan Ning asked, through a mouthful of food.
"…dead, because someone he trusted betrayed him, but—that's not the point! The point is you're all mad, and I'm all mad, and—we might as well be mad together!" Sun Shang Xiang said, banging her fist on the table (and shaking her hand a bit, ow!).
"What're you mad for?" Gan Ning asked, "the fairy that threw up all over you asked for its clothes back?"
Sun Shang Xiang giggled. "No, silly, this is my favorite outfit!" She frowned a little. "That big jerk Tong had me on my hands and knees—"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE END OF THAT SENTENCE," Gan Ning interrupted, looking pointedly at the plate of food he was sitting in front of.
Sun Shang Xiang looked confused. "…huh!? Eww, don't be gross! I meant he was all nice and asking me to help him look for his money which he dropped all over the place, and—he was just trying to look down my shirt!"
Gan Ning had stopped listening to the inane squeaky chattering minutes ago, and was now watching as the Princess's chest bounced while she spoke. "Huh?" he asked.
Sun Shang Xiang frowned. "He's a big jerk!" She looked at him. "But enough about me, what's got you down?"
"Some stupid cannon fodder troop called me somethin'," Gan Ning grumbled, "something bad!"
"Whore?" Sun Shang Xiang guessed.
"No."
"Slut?"
"No."
"Fairy princess harlot?"
"NO!" Gan Ning exploded, "where the hell are you hearing all this!? Aren't you supposed to be a lady!?"
"They call me names too!" said Sun Shang Xiang, "I dunno why, though~"
Gan Ning decided to jump over that elephant in the room. "Anyway, he had a big mouth and I stabbed his damn stupid ass!"
"Can you do that to Tong!?" Sun Shang Xiang asked excitedly.
"Do what?"
"Stab him in the ass? Or better, get a big spear and just jam it right in there!" she grinned excitedly.
Gan Ning decided to ignore that elephant too (any more elephants in this room and Meng Huo and Zhu Rong would have to become characters again to get them all out of here and back to Nan Zhong). "I think we're having a communication error, here…"
"So what'd he call you!?" Sun Shang Xiang asked.
Gan Ning made a face. "I don't wanna say!"
"Oh come onnnnn," Sun Shang Xiang whined, "you can trust me, I told you all those mean nasty words they call me!"
Gan Ning shook his head. "Hell no!"
"Pleeeeeeease?" Sun Shang Xiang whined.
"No!"
"Pleeeeeeeaaaaaase!?"
"He called me ugly. Alright!? He called me ugly! ME! Can you imagine that!?" Gan Ning shouted, his badly highlighted bleach-blonde hair doing nothing but adding to the list of possible insults.
"Ugly?" Sun Shang Xiang gaped, "really!?"
"Yeah! Really! I mean, I can see them calling Ling Tong, or Lu Xun, or hell, maybe even Sun Quan, or you, but—ME!?" Gan Ning was indignant.
"D-d-did y-you j-just…c-call me ugly!?" Sun Shang Xiang wailed, beginning to cry.
Gan Ning groaned—as hard as it was to believe, he was terrible with crying girls—and patted her shoulder awkwardly. "Uhh—don't cry?" he offered lamely.
"You just called me ugly!"
"There's nothing wrong with being ugly!" Gan Ning told her, (already forgetting the reason he'd been pissed off in the first place).
"R-really?" Sun Shang Xiang asked.
"No! There's a pride thing involved," he told her, "ugly people are the majority, they outnumber the pretty people!"
"That's truuuue!" said Sun Shang Xiang, brightening. "So we'll just be ugly together, then!"
Gan Ning paused. He must have missed something here. "What?"
"We'll be ugly together!" Sun Shang Xiang repeated, smiling at him.
"Fine. We'll be ugly together, then." Gan Ning folded his arms.
Sun Shang Xiang nodded, sniffling. "Is this the part where we have sex?"
"…"
"Is it!?"
"Yup." And he tackled her.
-
About twenty minutes later, Sun Quan and Zhou Tai had finished their post-battle battle plans—and nothing else, thank you, there's no more room for elephants in the dining tent!—and heard what was unmistakably the sound of…
Zhou Tai jumped in front of Sun Quan, worried whatever was in here might attack (and also, when he was in front of Sun Quan he had a better position to push the young Lord down and run for his life in case whatever was in here was more than he could handle) and took a cautious step forward.
Sun Quan tilted his head, curiously. "What is it, Zhou Tai?"
Zhou Tai looked, fearfully, and what he saw was so absolutely horrifying he began screaming. Shrieking, perhaps. The noise was so unfamiliar that Sun Quan jumped.
"WHAT!? WHAT IS IT, ZHOU TAI!?" Sun Quan demanded, dammit he was wishing he had his sword right now!
Zhou Tai couldn't say, still too busy screaming, and he charged out of the tent, his screams still audible.
Sun Quan shook his head—if you want something done right, wait until the bodyguard runs away shrieking and do it yourself—and—"SHANG XIANG! GAN NING! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING!?" he squawked, seeing the pirate and his little baby innocent sister all wrapped up on the ground doing terrible, terrible things! And it was so disgusting too!
"WE'RE UGLY AND WE'RE PROUD!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, from underneath Gan Ning.
"Yeah! Ugly people for the win!" Gan Ning added.
Sun Quan (very grateful he was hot now) would've responded, but the unity of the two ugliest creatures in all of China was a bit too much for his poor eyes. He pulled a Zhou Tai and ran out of that tent screaming for his life, awakening the eternal slumber of all ancestors in Wu, Shu, Wei, and, well, any continent the narration has left out.
-
Look at everyone in DW6, and tell me anyone got off worse than Gan Ning and Sun Shang Xiang did. I mean, really. They are hideous. Someone at Koei/Omega Force must HATE those two.
Koei/Omega Force, did you get mugged by a guy who looked like DW4/5 Gan Ning, or did your girlfriend who looks just like DW4/5 Sun Shang Xiang dump you? Myself and greatfountain theorized that making the two of them hideous to look at is an attempt to stop the Gan Ning/Sun Shang Xiang shippers; who wants to write about an ugly couple? Not many, right?
Wrong. Eat this, Koei/Omega Force, and let is serve to you as a lesson for what happens when you make my favorite character (Gan Ning) ugly!
…also, for the record, if DW6 Sun Shang Xiang is what Koei/Omega Force considers 'fanservice', then I question the type of women the character designers find to be attractive. Yikes.