TITLE: Love Is A Losing Game

PAIRING: Susan Lewis/Abby Lockhart

SPOILERS/CONTINUITY: Set somewhere in season 9.

SUMMARY: You know it's wrong, you know you shouldn't. Something just pushed us together. And none of us made the effort to pull away.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This came up while I was watching some season 9 episodes. It is, obviously, an alternate universe, but it follows the major canon events. Hopefully, there are still some Susan/Abby fans out there to entertain.

DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television. No copyright infringement is intended.

The realization hit me when Carter showed me that ring. I joked with him, tried to act as cool as I could, but I felt a knot in my throat.

It was Valentine's Day and right before my shift I had bumped into them in the lounge, Carter's arm around her shoulder. She looked at me, uncomfortable.

He got called and I went to my locker.

I could feel her moving behind me as I was changing into my lab coat "Susan…", she called. "I'm sorry about…", she touched my shoulder, I turned around. "We can be together tomorrow…", she smiled.

I cried in my whisper "Oh, shut up! This is ridiculous, I'm out of this".

I wanted her, though.

She stroked my cheek. I was terrified someone would enter the room, but I didn't stop her. She tilted my chin up and looked deep into my eyes like she was searching for something.

See, it's not like I had planned to fall for her. One night at my place, after too many beers and really bad tacos, I was telling her all about another of my disastrous blind dates and just like that, she kissed me.

I kissed her back and I remember pulling back breathless and dizzy. From this point my memory turns into a blur, but I remember vividly the moment she pulled off her top and how my hands were attracted to her skin like magnets.

I'm not proud of myself for feeling so jealous. I mean, Carter's my friend, I adore him, but I can't help feeling empty when I see them together. I have – obviously – my own share of guilt. There were times when Abby, all cavalier, said she was going to tell him everything and I begged her not to. At the time, I wasn't really sure we would last if they split up.

It was easier, safer, to envision whatever was happening between us as something temporary or just a spur of the moment thing. I can't really explain why we kept doing this, something just pushed us together. And none of us made the effort to pull away.

When we had company, everything was pretty much normal. I think no one suspected what we were up to. But we weren't that careful. I remember an evening the three of us - Abby, Jing-Mei and me - crashed into my apartment after a wild night at the Shadow Room. Abby was the only one who was sober but no one would have guessed by the way she fucked me on my couch when we got home. With Chen passed out in the spare room.

Yes, I know how insane this is. But it's not just the sex, to be fair it's not that important. I mean, I love making love to her (you're such a dork Lewis…), but it's more about being with her.

And I know it's reciprocated. I see how she looks at me, how I wake up in the morning and she's the first thing I see, hovering over me, smiling. And that's exactly why I can't keep this up. I don't want to share her. I don't want to feel guilty every time we're together.

And I certainly don't want to be her little affair on the side while she plays perfect couples with Carter.

I try discreetly to look at her hand, sigh in relief when I don't see the ring. Maybe she said no. Maybe she told him the truth. Poor Carter.

She looks at me, she expects me to say something.

So I venture "Hey… had a nice evening?". I'm not being sarcastic– well, maybe just a little - but I know that's not how I sound.

She looks around, lowers her voice "Why are you doing this? I thought about you all night…".

I smirk while I check the board "Yeah, it's the thoughts that count, after all". I rush into the suture room and she follows me.

She closes the door behind her, looks at me with that pout I love. "I don't know what you want me to do!".

I raise my hand to interrupt her "That's exactly why we have to stop this".

"Come by my place tonight, please…", she whispers, entangling her fingers in my hand.

I stay there for a moment looking at our hands entwined.

I love her hands. I don't think I ever told her that.

I don't know why I keep doing this. I shouldn't and I say so to myself over and over again. But I just choose not to listen to my better judgement.

I mentally repeat the words I've been rehearsing all day but when I knock at her door and she stands there offering me that smile she doesn't flash that often, I go blank and just accept the hand that pulls me inside.

She kicks the door closed behind me and backs me against it, her lips at my neck. I feel my heartbeat speed up when her tongue traces a wet path from my collarbone to my ear, where she stops to breath "What took you so long?".

"I told you about the meeting…", I mumble before tilting her chin up so I can look into her eyes and lean for a kiss.

She kisses me back and her hands encircle my waist, narrowing the distance between us. "You could've told Weaver you had a date...", she whispers before unbuttoning my shirt as fast as she can, her hands mapping my skin.

I feel guilt overtaking me and just blurt out "Do you really think this is a date?". Again, it sounds harsher than I meant.

She looks up at me like I've gone crazy, purses her lips "I thought you wanted this as well…", she says, rolling her eyes in frustration.

"This what?", I purposely question her.

She stares at me "This... What we do", she says, looking away.

"You can't even define our relationship! Let me spell it out for you: we fuck, Abby! That's what we do! And although I keep saying to myself I won't do it again, that's what happens every time you come to me".

I feel out of breath and diaphoretic.

"It's not like that…", she mutters.

"Things got out of control, we have to stop this", I say much more firmly than I feel.

"Why?", she hisses.

"You're dating one of my best friends? I feel terrible for doing this to him! Damn it, Abby, I broke up with him so you two could be together!".

"I never asked you to do that. Me and Carter… Things stalled between us and…".

I cut her off "Don't try to justify this! Maybe this thing is not important to you, but you're still cheating on him with me…", I say quickly as I button up my shirt.

"Who said it's not important to me?", Abby says, stopping me from opening the door.

She whispers "I care about you… I… I want to be with you".

We stay there facing each other and I shake my head "Not like this… I can't. I won't do this to him. And to myself".